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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28342032">Prayer in G</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValandraEvans/pseuds/ValandraEvans'>ValandraEvans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human, Bearded Dean Winchester, Castiel Has a Religious Family (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Complete, Conversion Therapy Trauma, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eventual Happy Ending, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Openly Bisexual Dean Winchester, Religious Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:42:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>102,870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28342032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValandraEvans/pseuds/ValandraEvans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak just finished his third year of Seminary School and is about to undertake his fieldwork assignment in Sioux Falls, SD.  He's been assigned to assist Reverent Michael at the evangelical Church of Divine Light in the community outreach program.</p><p>Dean Winchester lives on the outskirts of Sioux Falls in a log cabin he built himself.  He hunts and fishes and other than the occasional trip into town for supplies or visit from his best friend Charlie or brother Sam is happy with his reclusive life.  </p><p>When Castiel shows up at Dean's door, bags in tow, this wasn't exactly the favor he thought he was doing for Sherif Jody Mills when she asked if he was up for taking in a border for a few months.  Now he was stuck with the nerdy wanna-be minister with eyes so blue, Dean swears he can see heaven in them.</p><p>THIS STORY IS COMPLETE</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>343</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Beyond Your Peripheral Vision</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title of this story is taken from Prayer in C by Lilly Wood &amp; The Prick and Robin Schulz<br/>https://youtu.be/HF45J4PFWy0</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Castiel trudged along the dirt road, his hair wet from the misting rain and his body ached from carrying all his earthly possessions with him.  He’d stupidly assumed that Sioux Falls would have a taxi service, or uber, or a bus system.  Instead, he was stuck trudging along the road following the directions Reverend Michael had given him to the cabin where he would be renting a room for the summer.</p>
<p>Classes had ended at seminary just over a week ago and unlike his peers, he wasn’t taking the summer to work or travel or go home to family.  He was doing his outreach internship early.  His family was difficult, to say the very least, but at seminary, studying religious texts and manifestations of faith in different cultures and surrounding himself with the holy word, he felt complete in a way he never had before.</p>
<p>So why waste the summer?</p>
<p>Instead, Evangelical minister Reverend Michael Saber had an opening for a youth minister and junior pastor.  Bringing Castiel out to the middle of nowhere to serve god’s purpose.  At mile eight, with a backpack, suitcase, and computer bag, God’s purpose was requiring a whole lot of faith, though.  He was exhausted.  The flight and train had been long enough. He was ready to sleep.  But first, he had to find his way to some cabin in the woods, willing to rent a room to him at a price he could afford on his pittance of a salary.</p>
<p>He turned left at the fork in the road, passing by a no trespassing sign and mailbox with a sign hanging from it.  The top line said, “Dean Winchester.”  The second line said, “Winchester Designs.”</p>
<p>Huh.</p>
<p>He hadn’t even spoken to this Winchester guy.  All Michael had said was that he was a little gruff and not with the church, so don’t get too comfortable.  But a warm bed is a warm bed, and apparently, this guy had a spare car he could drive while he was here, so Castiel trudged on.  He was probably some harmless old recluse anyway. </p>
<p>The path became less road and more gravel.  Not much had been cleared back this way, mostly just mud and trees. He turned a corner and saw it.  A simple wood cabin, beautifully made.  The reds and browns of the wood shone out in the now dimming light and Castiel let out an audible sigh when he saw the picturesque porch swing.  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.  </p>
<p>He picked up his pace, eager to put his things away in his new home and stretch out on his bed, when a large, no giant, no massive dog came running toward him, barking as if he’d seen the juiciest steak bone that ever existed.</p>
<p>“Um, hi!” He said, watching as the beast’s tongue loled out of his mouth and leaped toward him.  The dog tackled him into the mud, making him drop his bags, and held him in place with gargantuan paws on his chest before leaning down and giving him a lick from chin to forehead with his long tongue.</p>
<p>Castiel sputtered, certain there was dog saliva in his mouth and tried to pick up and move one of the animal’s paws, but he was trapped.</p>
<p>A loud whistle rang out from the house, and the dog bounded away from Castiel, leaving him soaked in an imprint of his body in mud.  When he stood up, the creature sat happily next to a man with narrowed eyes.</p>
<p>“You must be Castiel,” he said in a low baritone.  “I’m Dean Winchester.  I’m afraid you’ll have to forgive Garth. He’s a hugger.”</p>
<p>Castiel sat in the mud and ran a hand through his hair before realizing what he was doing.  Now he had mud in his hair and dog spit in his face and his ass was soaking wet and freezing.  At his frown, Dean burst out laughing, an honest to god belly laugh that threw his whole body back.</p>
<p>Castiel gathered up his things and slogged the rest of the way to the porch. “Hello, Dean.  I’d shake your hand but…” He shrugged and held out his brown and red mud-stained hand for inspection.  </p>
<p>He was finally close enough to get a look at his new landlord/roommate.  The man stood a few inches taller than him and dressed like a lumberjack.  Stained and ripped jeans, a T-shirt with a flannel thrown over it with the sleeves rolled up.  He had a full beard and hair a little too long, but not unattractively so.  They appeared to be about the same age, despite the fact that Dean apparently owned all this land and the house while Castiel didn’t own anything he hadn’t carried here with him.  He was strong; you could see it in the strength of his jaw and the taut muscles of his forearms, but not vanity strong, not gym strong.  Dean was strong like a boxer, like a fighter, like someone who was good with his hands.  Castiel had to look away.</p>
<p>Garth looked up at him, his whole body quivering with the desire to tackle Castiel again, or get his ears scritched, or perhaps murder a wandering drifter.</p>
<p>“Yeah, looks like he got you good,” Dean ran a hand lovingly over the dog’s head.  “He’s an Irish Wolf Hound, great for hunting and good company out here all alone, but he has no idea how big he is, and it would just break my heart to tell ‘im.”</p>
<p>And Dean smiled.  A broad toothy grin that made his green eyes sparkle and lit his whole face up.  A few crinkled lines appeared in the corners of his eyes, exuding happiness.  Freckles spotted his sun-kissed skin and it was as if Castiel could see his soul.  So open and earnest.  What could Michael have possibly meant about him being gruff?  This man, he was… he was beautiful.</p>
<p>Castiel shook his head.  These were precisely the kind of thoughts that had gotten him kicked out of his house at seventeen until he’d proven he’d repented. Exactly what threw him headlong into the evangelical church, where purity of thought and body were equally important.</p>
<p>“Okay, well, take off your clothes out here.  I’ll get you a towel and you can use the outside shower.” Dean said, disappearing inside the small cabin. He turned around at the last minute and pointed at Garth, “Stay.”</p>
<p>Castiel stood utterly still.  Take off his clothes?  Like all his clothes?  Here?  Dean must have meant something else. So he waited, staring at Garth, who remained sitting and staring at him, tail wagging.  The porch was only two steps up from the mud, but it was immaculate.  The wood floor shining and warm Christmas lights blinked on along the awning as the sun worked its way down behind the horizon.</p>
<p>He walked closer and ran his hand down the logs of the house. They fit together so closely, he couldn’t tell if they were all individual pieces or somehow came together preformed.  He knew a little about woodworking; had helped rebuild a barn as a teen and even made a bench once, but nothing like this.</p>
<p>“Why are you still dressed?” Dean asked when he stepped back out, shocking Castiel out of his thoughts and almost making him fall over. “Whoa there, buddy, try to stay upright for a while, okay?”</p>
<p>“I, um, I wasn’t sure if you were serious.” Castiel stammered out.</p>
<p>“You’ll learn, when it comes to this house or baby, I’m pretty much always serious.”</p>
<p>Castiel blanched, no one had mentioned a child living here. “You have a baby?”</p>
<p>Dean laughed again. From someone else it would feel like they were laughing at him but from Dean, it was so warm and kind, Castiel found himself smiling even though he still wasn’t in on the joke.</p>
<p>“No, man.  That’s what I call my car.  I have a ‘67 Impala, she’s mint and I think I love her more than Garth, but don’t tell him.”</p>
<p>“Your secret is safe with me.  So you want me to just take off all my clothes, right here?”</p>
<p>“It’s up to you, but you aren’t coming inside until you take all that off and shower.  The outdoor bath is around the corner. Just follow the stone path. Com’on Garth.” Dean held the door open for the dog and went inside.  The outdoor light flicked on above Castiel’s head, leaving him alone in the cooling May evening.</p>
<p>“Fine.”  he stripped down to his boxers, including shoes and socks, and left all the dirty clothes in a pile.  He grabbed the towel Dean had left for him and wandered around the house.  He expected to find something akin to a beach shower, a spigot sticking out from the wall, and maybe a bucket and some rocks for the flooring.  Instead, he found another complete room.  It was built open and airy, Mediterranean style, with gaps between the wood wide enough to let in light but not enough to see through.  When he stepped in, the room was much larger than he’d expected, the floor wood slats that allowed the water to drain but was smooth against Castiel’s feet.  Near the door were hooks and a bench and even a lightswitch that turned on gentle overhead lighting.</p>
<p>Behind a half-wall was a double-headed shower that heated up quickly.  </p>
<p>Castiel stepped in and let the water simultaneously beat on his chest and back, heat relaxing the muscles that had cramped from his long ridiculous walk.  The stress of moving across the country to a place he’d never been to live with a person he’d never even spoken to drifted away into nothingness.  All that existed at this moment was the steam of the shower.  </p>
<p>He picked through Dean’s toiletries, using only what he needed, but he loved the rich smell of the soap he used to wash himself.  The gruff man even had facewash he could use to try and get the mud out of his pores before he started looking like the 15-year-old version of himself.</p>
<p>After what felt like an extravagantly long shower, Castiel stepped out and dried off with this cream-colored towel, soft and plush.  He was starting to feel like he’d walked into a dream until he remembered that he didn’t have any clothes with him.</p>
<p>Fudge.</p>
<p>Castiel wrapped the towel around his waist, trying to pull it as tight as possible around his already thin frame and fruitlessly looked around to see if maybe there was another towel in here he could wrap around his shoulders.  The walk back to the house drove his heart rate up.  What would Dean think about him just walking in his house half-naked?  What would he think about the burn scars scattered across his body or the small tattoo on his left ribs?  Would he ask?  Would he even notice?</p>
<p>Castiel was torn, he wanted to be invisible and just get dressed as quickly as possible, but at the same time, part of him longed for those green eyes to notice him.  He paused at the front door.  All of his bags were gone.  There’s no way someone stole them all the way out here unless someone had been following him.</p>
<p>He pushed the door open and opened his mouth to ask but was greeted by the sight of Dean once again taking his breath away by doing something completely unpredictable.  He had taken off his flannel and was now wearing an apron and dancing with Garth. Elvis played in the background. Garth had one enormous paw on Dean’s shoulder and the strange green-eyed man held the other. Dean sang along, his voice low and rough, but still lyrical and deeply, intensely sexy.</p>
<p>Not that Castiel noticed things like that.</p>
<p>He forgot about his state of undress and stared, a laugh bubbling up in his gut.  Dean looked over at him and winked before dropping the massive dog’s paws. “I was thinking I’d make burger’s tonight so you can take your time settling in.  We can go into town tomorrow to pick up anything you need.  Oh, and I put your stuff in your room.  Down the hall, the door’s on the left.  My room is across the hall and the bathroom’s in the middle.  Pretty simple design.” </p>
<p>Dean shrugged and looked around the cozy kitchen, eating area, living room that took over the front of the cabin.</p>
<p>“Did you build this place?” Castiel asked.</p>
<p>“Every piece of it.  Even the furniture.  Except, you know... I did order the refrigerator and toilet.  But I installed ‘em.” Dean ran his hand over his mouth, his eyes darting away from Castiel’s as if embarrassed to have confirmed that he was in fact as impressive as Castiel suspected.  After a minute, Dean looked back and caught Castiel’s eyes with a smile.  “Go on, man.  Get some clothes on and I’ll get the grill going.  We can talk while we eat.”</p>
<p>Castiel felt the red flush spread across his chest and up his face, blooming like poppies on his cheeks.  The blush would only make his scars stand out, but Dean didn’t seem to notice. He just held Castiel’s eyes for a beat longer than necessary before looking away and busying himself pulling ingredients out of the fridge.</p>
<p>“Scoot!  I’m gonna wanna eat as soon as it’s ready, so I don’t wanna be waitin’ on you.” Dean smirked over his shoulder and tilted his head toward the hall.</p>
<p>Castiel scuttled to his room, where his suitcase, computer bag, and backpack all sat.  The mud had been mostly wiped off of them and lined up along the wall of the little room.  He had a twin-sized bed, a small dresser, a desk, and a closet.  The desk sat under a window looking out into what had to have once been a garden, or maybe it was just intended to be one and no one ever got to it.  The area was cordoned off and had once been tilled, but now looked more like a weed farm than a garden.  </p>
<p>The furniture was all sturdy and firm.  Castiel ran his hands along the desk, imagining Dean making all of this with his own hands.  Hands that would be rough and calloused but knew how to make beautiful things come to life.</p>
<p>He opened his suitcase and dressed quickly in the little casual clothing he had, a pair of jeans and a longsleeved Christian Rock band t-shirt tucked in.  He slipped on a pair of sandals and looked around his room one last time.  His room. This could be good.</p>
<p>He stepped out into the hall and the door to Dean’s room was ajar.  He was tempted, so damn tempted to peek in, to learn more about this man and what kind of things he surrounded himself by.  But that would be a violation of trust, and he’d learned a long time ago how essential it was to keep temptation in its place.  </p>
<p>If he knew how to do one thing, he kept himself in line and avoided temptation.</p>
<p>So he stepped out of the cabin and followed the sound of music to where Dean stood with his back to him, dancing quietly, moving his hips as he flipped the burgers.  Overhead were more of the same twinkling lights from out front, giving the area a homey feeling.</p>
<p>Castiel cleared his throat. “Hi.  Thanks for taking my bags in. I could have done that.”</p>
<p>“No big,” Dean said, turning to him. “Beer?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure.” Castiel caught the bottle Dean threw at him.  Thank goodness.  </p>
<p>Garth stood up and stretched from his spot next to Dean and came to nuzzle Castiel gently. “Hey puppy, this is much better,” he said, scritching the dog’s ears and leaning down to look into his big brown eyes.  The dog was so full of personality, lifting his eyebrows and tilting his head when Castiel spoke.  It almost felt like talking to a person.</p>
<p>“He’s pretty great now that he’s not trying to drown me in the mud.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dean said, gathering the burgers onto a plate. “He’s been out here with me since I moved here, good company.”</p>
<p>“How long have you lived out here?”</p>
<p>“Oh, I bought the property once I found out how much scholarship money Sammy was gonna get. He got most of the tuition on scholarship but there was still a bit to cover, books and housing and stuff. So five years ago and then it took about 18 months to build. Although I’m not done with everything yet, still got some plans I’m bouncing around.  ”</p>
<p>“Is that your son?  You don’t seem old enough to have a son out of college.” Castiel tilted his head in confusion.</p>
<p>Dean laughed again and gestured for Castiel to take a seat at the wooden picnic table.  He placed the plate of cheeseburgers next to a bowl of mixed greens and started piling food on his plate. </p>
<p>“No, no, Sam is my little brother.  Our parents passed away, so I’ve been pretty much raised him.  He works at the little law firm in town as a paralegal.  I keep telling him he could be a big fish if he'd just go to law school, but he and his wife like it here and I’m happy to have them.”</p>
<p>Dean took two cheeseburgers and half a plate of salad.  Castiel filled his plate and dove in.  They ate in silence as the stars came out, the lights strung above them just enough for them to see what they were doing and just enough for Castiel to notice Dean kept throwing looks at him.</p>
<p>“So, you’re working for Michael?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I mean, not directly. It’s a part of my seminary program.”</p>
<p>Dean coughed, sputtering on his beer. “You’re gonna be a priest?”</p>
<p>“No! I’m not Catholic.” Castiel laughed at the sheer look of horror on Dean’s face. “Seminary can be for all different kinds of Christians, depends on where you go and the classes you take.  I’m from a non-denominational church.”</p>
<p>“Like Michael’s,” Dean said, his voice turned dark.</p>
<p>Castiel just nodded. “How do you know Michael?”</p>
<p>“I don’t really, but he’d asked Jody Mills, our Sheriff, about boarding options for you and she and I go way back.  A few years ago, Michael spent a lot of time trying to, let’s call it, recruit me.  But it’s just not my scene.”</p>
<p>Castiel nodded but he could feel Dean’s eyes on him.</p>
<p>“That going to be a problem for you, Cas?  I don’t go to church or say my rosary?” Dean stuffed half a burger in his mouth, his eyes suddenly hard.</p>
<p>“Again, not Catholic.  And no, that’s not a problem for me.  Everyone finds their path to God in their own way at their own time.  For some people, it’s seminary; for others, it’s the beauty of nature. God’s love is there whether you’re looking for it or not.”</p>
<p>Dean set down his burger and stared at Castiel.  For a moment, he worried that the other man was going to give him some anti-religious spiel or kick him out, but eventually, Dean just smiled. “Yeah,” he nodded, “I like that.”</p>
<p>They ate in comfortable silence for a while, until Dean got up to grab a second beer.  He opened two and placed one in front of Castiel, who hadn’t had more than one beer in a sitting in years.  He thought better of it, but out here under the stars, comfortable with a snoring Garth at his feet, he gave himself permission.</p>
<p>“So Cas, I don’t know how into cars you are but I’ve got a 1988 Ford F-250 sitting back in the barn you can use.  I mostly only use it when I’m hauling something. Otherwise, I’m driving baby anyway.  Just keep her clean and full of gas and we’ll call it part of your rent.”</p>
<p>Castiel takes his first sip of his second beer and looks at his hands wrapped around the bottle. “Why are you being so nice to me?  You don’t even know me.  I could be anyone.  I could rob you in your sleep or something.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dean shrugged, taking another drink, “I guess you could.  But Me and Sammy, we had it pretty rough growing up.  I was four when our mom died, Sam was a baby, and our Dad didn’t like to stay in one place for too long.  I pretty much raised Sam and the closest thing we had to family was Bobby Singer, here in Sioux Falls.  He took us in when our Dad ditched us.  I’d just turned 18 and could legally look after Sam, who was 14, so Dad set us up in a motel and took off.  I heard a few years later he’d died of congestive heart failure or something.”</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” Castiel leaned forward, his hands itching to take Dean’s, but instead, he took another sip of his beer.</p>
<p>“No big loss, really. We’d been on our own long before he died.  But my point is that Bobby had no cause taking me in with a criminal record full of petty crimes I did to prove my Dad right about what a shit I was and keep food on the table for Sam.  But he saw past that and when he looked at us, he saw two kids, clinging to each other, just trying to get by.  So when Jody asked me if I could take in some kid who needed a place to stay for a few months, of course I said yes.”</p>
<p>Dean stopped talking, his eyes dropping from Castiel’s down to his lips. “You’re not what I expected tho, gotta admit.  And you ain’t no kid.”</p>
<p>Castiel licked his lips without thinking about it, the beer making his brain fuzzy and his reactions slow. “I’m the wrong side of 30, actually.  But most people assume I’m younger.”</p>
<p>“Well, you look younger.” Dean grabbed himself a third beer and raised an eyebrow at Castiel, who finished his in one long swig and nodded his head.</p>
<p>This time Dean was definitely watching his lips.</p>
<p>What had he gotten himself into?</p>
<p>“I guess I’m lucky then. Most of the other students in my program are a good ten years younger than me.”</p>
<p>“What made you decide to go to Seminary?” Dean asked.  He crossed his leg and set his ankle on his knee before leaning forward.  His tshirt sleeves strained to hold in the strength of his arms and his long neck craned forward as if eager to hear Castiel’s every word.</p>
<p>“It’s a bit of a saga, honestly,” Castiel pulled a drink from his beer, enjoying the numbing sensation and not wanting to fall into the pit of his past.  </p>
<p>“You don’t have to tell me nothin’ you don’t want to, Cas.  I was just chatting.” Dean’s voice dropped lower, almost too soft to hear if you weren’t listening for it.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind you asking.  It’s just… complicated.  I spent some time after college trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted.  I got into some trouble, nothing big except for that man I shot in Reno.”</p>
<p>Dean coughed and snorted beer out of his nose. “Oh, fuck!  I was <em>not </em>expecting that.  Shit man.  That covert funny thing you do is a health hazard.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, I’ll try to contain myself then,” Castiel deadpanned, tilting his head and staring into Dean’s eyes.  They really were unreal, so green, with flecks of gold that sparkled under the lights. </p>
<p>They continued to banter as they cleaned up and carried everything inside.  Castiel managed to avoid talking about his past while insisting he do the dishes.  It’s only fair since Dean did all the cooking.</p>
<p>After finishing his third beer, Castiel found himself in the hall staring into the verdant eyes of the strange man who had taken in a stray, his breath caught in his chest.  He dropped his eyes to Dean’s soft lips.  How can a man who was crafted out of such hard and unbreakable material have lips that looked so sweet?  He wanted to run his thumb over them, press his fingers into that mouth just to see Dean suck on them.</p>
<p>“I should go to bed,” Castiel said, his eyes not leaving Dean’s lips.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we probably both should.” </p>
<p>Castiel looked up and saw Dean’s dilated eyes and the way his breath came out in a shallow pant.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Dean.”</p>
<p>“Night, Cas.”</p>
<p>They stood there for one more moment, Castiel wishing he were anyone else, anywhere else, just to avoid the torment he knew would come when he turned away and went to bed alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Humans and their Big Hot Mess</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel Novak is a seminary student who has moved to Sioux Falls and rented a room from the far too attractive Dean Winchester.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel kneeled next to his bed, hands clasped together, and his head bowed, pressing into his knuckles hard enough to leave an indent in his forehead. That touch of pain helped him keep focus, helped him remember who he was and what he’d learned. Outside, the birds greeted the sun with enthusiasm, filling the sky with heavenly song.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was what he was here to focus on. On the purity of nature’s song. On the sweetness of God’s creation without so much toxicity. He took a deep breath and cleared his mind, picturing a bright white-blue light washing away his fears and sins. Freeing him from his thoughts, confused and tempted in ways he had thought he’d left behind him long ago.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He recited the Lord’s Prayer and listed out the names of angels. There was no way to know if he remembered them all, no way to know if anyone knew them all, but the repetition soothed Castiel’s mind and helped him find that trance-like state where he could feel his connection with the world, a transcendental kind of awareness that fed his faith.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until something pulled him out of his reverie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bacon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He changed quickly into jeans and another long sleeve shirt. When he padded barefoot out into the living room, he found Dean, with a massive smile on his face, a tight black T-shirt and pajama pants with, of all things, hot dogs on them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel sputtered to a stop. “What are you wearing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Dean placed a plate of bacon on the table next to a huge stack of pancakes. “He looked down at himself. Am I not decent?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Those pants are the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.” Castiel shook his head and chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No way, wait till you see me in my tutu,” Dean winked and Castiel’s heart skipped a beat or seven. “He thinks I’m kidding,” Dean said to Garth, who was lying on the floor, taking up half the kitchen, and laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean turned away and grabbed plates and some maple syrup. “I was thinking, later this afternoon, we could head into town. I don’t know what you were able to pack and what you still need, but I gotta swing by Charlie’s shop and return a stack of comics I’m just never going to read. I can’t get into them, you know, I get distracted by all the pictures.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel fumbled around for something to say but found in the end silence was just as acceptable to Dean as chatting. Castiel liked people, he loved to hear people’s stories and listen to their thoughts, but when it came to talking, he found it took him longer than was deemed acceptable to form his thoughts into words, which meant most people were either annoyed or bored in his company.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat down and Dean served himself three pancakes and a healthy pile of bacon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds good. Maybe we can go grocery shopping. With you cooking for me so much already, I should pitch in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Dean said around a mouthful of pancakes. “I like to cook. And it’s a lot more fun to cook for two than for one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you. I can do my share, though, at least help pay for the extra ingredients.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nodded casually. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel put one pancake on his plate and spread butter and syrup on top before meticulously cutting each piece before eating it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re adorable; you know that?” Dean said when he caught Castiel’s eye.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Panic flashed through him, and a sudden blush. This was a bad idea. Coming here. Staying with Dean. Drinking last night. Letting his guard down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked at the table and closed his eyes, silently mouthing the words drilled into him for well more than two decades: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Father, help me be washed, be sanctified, and be justified in the name of the Lord.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he opened his eyes, Dean was staring at him. “Everything okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, just praying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, right. I thought you were supposed to do that before you ate.” Dean chuckled before standing up, “more coffee?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, please, and this time, let me clean up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you insist,” Dean smirked and poured Castiel more coffee before setting the pot down, patting Garth’s head, and scratching his chin. “Good boy,” he said, and it seemed to release the hound from the relaxed position he had been in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The giant mutt bounced around for a while, bringing Castiel a series of rope and squeaking toys, attempting to seduce him into playing. Castiel, on the other hand, was more interested in finally eating some bacon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean clapped his hands and then rubbed them together. “I’ve got some work to do in the barn this morning, so you just settle in and make yourself at home. We can head into town around 4?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds great. Thanks again, Dean. You’ve made moving out here alone so easy. I don’t know how to repay you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean reached up and gripped the back of his neck, a flush spreading over his cheeks, showing off a smattering of freckles and a hint of skin where his shirt pulled up. “Nah, It’s no big deal. Like I said, someone helped me, so when Jody asked, it was a no-brainer to pass that on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I’m not some 20-year old kid who needs a place to crash after Jesus Camp. I’m not a teenager with no parents. I’m more than you bargained for, and you took it all in stride and opened your home to me, and I appreciated it.” Castiel stood and started cleaning up, stacking the dishes and carrying them over to the sink. The counter was made out of polished concrete that shone against the warm wood of the cabinets.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s no bother. It’s been a pleasant surprise,” Dean smiled and Cas turned away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turned on the water and started wiping the plates before scrubbing the bacon pan and skillet. He hummed to himself, mentally planning his day and what he might want to get while they were in town when he was pulled out of his reverie by a warm hand settling on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His knees nearly gave out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m heading out,” Dean said, slapping his shoulder again before sauntering out of the house, Garth in tow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel stood, the warm water flowing over his hands as his eyes stayed trained on the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Father, help me be washed, be sanctified, and be justified in the name of the Lord.” He breathed, finished up the dishes, and retreated to his room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After putting all his things away, it occurred to him he could use some more casual clothes. If he was going to be spending all his time with Dean, he would need some more long sleeve shirts that covered his arms. Usually, it didn’t bother him if people noticed his burns, but something about telling Dean the lies he typically used didn’t feel right. But he also knew he couldn’t tell him the truth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once he had everything in its place, he made his bed and opened up his laptop, not thinking before clicking on the app and being told he needed the wireless password. Of course he did. He’d have to get it from Dean later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he grabbed his book and went outside, settling in on the porch swing to read.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few hours, Castiel stood and stretched and decided it was time for a late lunch. He hadn’t seen Dean come back in the house, so he put together a couple of sandwiches and piled them on a tray he found in the pantry. He grabbed two beers and carried the meal out to the barn. His sandals were caked in mud by the time he got there, but the barn itself was clean and orderly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Right in the front was the truck Dean had offered for him to use. An old pickup, but it had clearly been kept in good shape, no rust or dents. And then Castiel saw it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean, lying on his back underneath a black 1967 Impala: Baby. Only Dean’s legs were visible, his toe-tapping to the music playing in the background as he did whatever it was he was doing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean?” Castiel called, but the man didn’t hear him. He walked closer and tapped one of Dean’s feet with his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That you, Cas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope, it’s a wendigo. I just thought I’d give you a fighting chance.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean scooted out from underneath the car and gave Castiel a look that could set a man’s blood on fire. “You gonna eat me alive, Cas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, ahh, I didn’t… I was just…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S’ok Cas, I’m just fucking with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stood up and wiped his hands on a rag he dropped onto the creeper. “Did you bring me lunch?” The man’s face lit up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, uh, sandwiches. But I thoroughly examined and comforted the pig before I slaughtered it for the ham.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean burst into laughter, letting out a sharp bark before leaning his head back and letting loose. “You are a fucking weird dude, Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They settle down at the picnic table again and Dean pops open their beers against the edge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fancy,” Castiel smiles, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m like a swiss army knife. 32 flavors of awesome.” Dean shook his head and looked at the sandwich like it was the sexiest thing on the planet before licking his lips and taking a bite.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel had to turn away and adjust how he was sitting. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Father, help me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They ate and chatted about Dean changing the oil in Baby and stopping at the thrift store in town. General nothing conversation that at the time seemed so vital, but on reflection added up to nothing. It was just the feeling it left in its wake that caught Castiel by the back of the neck and held on tight, digging its teeth into his resolve.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel cleaned up while Dean took a shower. Bringing visions of the green-eyed man naked and lathered in soap to Castiel’s mind. How was he going to last an entire summer here? He was being tested. Tortured. And the worst part was he didn’t know if Dean was just a giant flirt who joked about everything or if his attention on Castiel indicated interest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Interest he couldn’t reciprocate. He couldn’t. No matter how warm and strong Dean’s arms looked or how biteable his lips were. He couldn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The car ride into town was much better than his walk to the cabin. He rode with his arm hanging out the window of the Impala, looking at the world race by as Dean drove and tapped the rhythm to the song playing on the ancient cassette player. Garth spread out in the backseat, head resting on the window sill licking at the wind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You listen to Zeppelin?” Dean asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I don’t listen to much music that isn’t Classic or Christian Rock.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Dean nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like this, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Dean turned and smiled at him, the full one that reached his eyes. “This is Kansas. You’re welcome to listen to any of my cassettes. I have an old tape deck at the house.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they pulled onto Mainstreet, the little town came alive. It was a Friday afternoon and people were already out in the streets. Dean pulled the Impala into a spot right in front of the thrift store and hopped out. He opened the door for Garth to climb out and stand next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, what are you looking for?” Dean asked, looking at Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had changed for venturing out and meeting Dean’s friend Charlie, wearing dark jeans with boots and a blue and white checkered button-up over a dark T-shirt. “I don’t know, I guess more stuff like this,” he gestured to his clothes. “Stuff that would be okay to wear to the church but also comfortable to hang out in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Dean raked his eyes over Castiel over in a way that made him feel like an ant with a magnifying glass shining on him. “You should get more blue. That shirt looks good on you, ahh, it brings out your eyes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean turned and walked into the store, leaving Castiel alone for a moment, trying to process the other man’s words. Dean pointed at Garth and told him to sit and stay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel walked in, the bells chiming overhead. He looked around the thrift store, larger than expected and spread out in organized rows. Dean was easy to spot. He stood just over 6 foot and his sandy blonde hair stuck up in all directions. Castiel ran a hand through his own dark hair, knowing that at best, he looked like he had a bad case of bed head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas! Look what I found!” Dean held up a cowboy hat and fit it on his head. “What do you think? Do I look like Kilmer or Russel?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m afraid I don’t understand that reference.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No music or movies, huh? We’re going to have to widen your cultural knowledge. How are you supposed to preach to the masses when you don’t even know what they do with their free time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked at Dean and tilted his head. The man had a point. He was so painfully out of touch with the world, having lived so much of his life either isolated or confined within the church. In some ways, he felt so young, but in others, he knew his years were starting to show. The creases around his eyes were permanent, no longer just appearing when he smiled, and the silver hairs had multiplied at his temples in the last year or two.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two split up after that, Dean wandering off to look at the games and housewares and other knick-knacks while Castiel sorted through the clothing. He found a black sweatshirt that zipped up and had holes for his thumbs already sewn in, a pair of black slacks, and a handful of long sleeve shirts. But when it came to the button-ups, he was stymied. His instincts were all to go simple and just get white, but then he’d remember the way Dean’s eyes had trailed over his body, checks flushed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That shirt looks good on you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted to find something else Dean would like the way he looked when wearing it. He ended up with two flannels he could throw on over short sleeves, a black button-up, and a simple white button-up with a goldish weave making subtle stripes. He gathered up his collection and paid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He watched from the front of the store as Dean picked up a coffee mug and inspected it, his eyebrows coming together as he turned it over and tapped it with his nail. Castiel couldn’t help but smile as he watched. What in the world could Reverend Michael have been talking about when he said Dean was gruff--not to get too close? This man had been nothing but kind and welcoming. In another life… Castiel stopped his thoughts. He couldn’t indulge in anything like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then Dean looked up. Castiel watched as pouty lips turned down in a frown and his eyebrows came together as he scanned the store until he found Castiel and that smile--that world ending, soul melting smile--broke out over his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you find some good stuff?” Dean asked loudly before he was really close enough for conversation, like he couldn’t wait to ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled and waited for Dean to come closer, but the man came right up to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. He stood so close. Cas forgot the question. He forgot to breathe. He almost forgot the rules. Dean’s touch was so solid, so confident and comfortable and Cas wanted to just melt under the security of it. He hardly knew the other man and felt probably the safest he ever had standing here with only a hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, yeah,” he stepped back, out from under the touch, away from the thoughts he didn’t dare think. “I think so. And good prices.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s throw it in the car and go to Charlie’s, huh? We can get dinner in town after that if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds nice,” Castiel gave Dean a soft smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Garth whimpered when he saw Dean come out of the store, still sitting where he had put him. He’d been in there the whole time with all the activity and distractions of downtown and stayed put. Other than his hugging habit, Garth was a really well-behaved dog. Dean motioned for Castiel to put his bags in the back and Cas looked up at him with a shy face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mind if we throw this stuff in the trunk? I’d rather my new clothes not smell like dog.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Garth, I think Cas is saying you smell bad.” Dean gasped, making the dog raise his giant eyebrows and look into his owner’s eyes intensely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just mean…” Castiel stammered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ha! Cas, don’t apologize to the fucking dog! He can’t actually speak English.” Dean chuckled as he walked to open the trunk and then looked at Castiel as he approached. “So don’t judge me okay, Sammy did the art in here when he was in an e-boy phase and I can’t bring myself to change it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Inside the trunk, painted on the inside of the hood, was a giant pentagram, surrounded by what one could only describe as satanic symbols. Castiel raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips before putting his purchases in without comment. Dean grabbed a canvas bag and slammed the trunk closed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walked down Main Street side by side, with Garth sticking tightly to Dean’s side. The dog had no leash, but everyone they passed seemed to know him and smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean picked up his pace at the next street, and Garth kept up, hopping slightly and mouthing at the man’s hand.  He was going to be the death of Castiel, he could just feel it.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. You Have Monopolized the Oxygen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: Dean and Castiel spend a domestic day at the cabin and then head into town to run some errands.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“This is ‘Bradberry’s Playhouse,’” Dean announced, holding out an arm with a flourish. In the window was a giant figurine of Wonder Woman dipping Cat Woman as if about to kiss her, along with displays of playing cards, comics, books, and other novelties.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is this place?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is Charlie’s shop. I told you I need to return some stuff. And I can’t wait for you two to meet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean opened the door for Castiel again, and he couldn’t help but bow his head a little and blush in appreciation. He wasn’t used to being made to feel special like someone wanted to do nice things for him. He’d only known Dean a day and already this guy had shown him more kindness than he’d seen from his own family in years.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean!” a petit redheaded beauty squealed and came running out from behind the counter, but before she could reach him, Garth cut her off, jumping up to give her a giant hug. “Garth! My other best guy! How are you?” She pulled him off her and leaned down to hug his big fluffy back before scratching his side, making his back leg twitch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, baby!” Charlie called out to Dean, making Castiel’s heart stutter. Oh. Was this Dean’s girlfriend? She seemed a little young…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughed, shoved the dog out of the way, and scooped her up into a giant hug. “Hey there!” he said into her hair, twirling her a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You never come to movie night anymore. You spend far too much time alone up in that little cabin.” Carlie punched Dean in the arm as soon as she released him and then turned her bubbling energy on Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So who is tall, dark, and handsome?” she asked, making a weird facial expression that Cas suspected was supposed to be sultry but it simply didn’t land, drawing something between a laugh and a cackle from Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Charlie, this is Cas. Cas, Charlie.” Dean introduced with a grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel Novak.” He held out his hand, but Charlie immediately reached up both arms and pulled him down into a hug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, it’s so nice to meet you, Cas. Finally, someone is out there to keep an eye on my guy, so he’s not alone with the wolves and bears.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas’s eyebrows shot up and he looked at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There are no wolves or bears, but I have a riffle just in case. Don’t let Charlie spook you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie shot her best </span>
  <em>
    <span>who me?</span>
  </em>
  <span> face and then grabbed the bag Dean was holding out of his hands. “What’d you bring me? Presents?” She walked behind the counter and opened the bag with a frown. “This is all my stuff. Are you returning my stuff to me, Winchester? Are you???” She placed a hand over her heart. “Are you breaking up with me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughed again and leaned over the counter to chat with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel wandered away, not sure how to contribute to the conversation or sure he wanted to. He checked out the isles of comics and books while Garth followed close behind, apparently deciding Castiel’s swirling thoughts were more interesting than Charlie and Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had called him baby, and her guy, and joked about breaking up. Were they dating? He didn’t pick up on a sexual vibe between them, but Castiel knew that his intuition wasn’t exactly perceptive when it came to this kind of thing. He’d thought Dean had been interested in him, and he knew he should feel relief that the temptation he’d been fighting to avoid had been all in his head. But he wasn’t. He was disappointed. Bordering on devastated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He picked through the collection of Science Fiction books, delighted by the collection of classics and new works. Outside of religion, Science Fiction was his favorite topic of study. He’d gotten in trouble more than a few times for pointing out the similarities between the two. He picked out one he hadn’t read yet, but heard a lot about and wandered back out to where Dean was still chatting with Charlie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, Cas, what do you say? You in?” Charlie asked with a gleeful smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? I just… I found a book.” He held it up as an explanation, causing a round of Dean’s friendly laughter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, don’t ever change,” he put that big warm hand back on Castiel’s shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Three Body Problem? Good choice. The whole series is excellent,” Charlie didn’t move to ring him up and instead just looked to Dean. “So tomorrow night, you’ll be there, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know Char,” Dean ran a hand through his hair and then scratched at his beard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, back me up. Dean is turning into a reclusive curmudgeon and he’s not even 30 yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not?” Castiel looked at him with eyebrows raised.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The beard makes me look older. Maybe it’s time to shave it off again.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think?” Charlie teased.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shrugged and scratched his chin again, “And I’m not a curmudgeon. I’m fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun</span>
  </em>
  <span> fun. Come tomorrow, </span>
  <em>
    <span>pleeeease?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean sighed and looked at Castiel, “So tomorrow is Saturday and it’s weekly movie night at Charlie’s house and a bunch of people will be there--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“--Including Sam and Eileen!” Charlie chimed in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, including my brother and his wife. It’s usually fun. We order dinner and watch a movie or two and hang out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should go,” Cas said with a smile. “I meet with Michael tomorrow afternoon anyway, so I can handle being home alone while you go out. You don’t have to babysit me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Dean scrunched up his nose. “I know that. I meant you should come if you want, meet some more people in town. But if you don’t think you’ll be up for it after work, we don’t have to…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Christ, you two are impossible. Would you both please come to my shitty little house tomorrow night and hang out with a bunch of our friends?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded with a small smile, “that sounds like it would be nice. Yes, thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I guess if blue eyes here is down, I’m in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excellent, no excuses. And Dean, bring whatever you want to drink. No one else drinks that nasty whiskey you like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel raises an eyebrow at Dean, imagining how the man would taste with smokey whiskey on his tongue. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Father, help me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel coughs and looks away. “What do I owe you?” he asked, holding up the book. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You get this old fart to my house tomorrow night and we’ll call it even.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Garth stayed with Charlie lying behind the register taking up the whole space, while they head back out to get some food. The sun had set and the streetlights give the whole town a wholesome feeling. It’s a welcoming place, where people smile, and the shops were open a little later than other small towns, giving it a bustling feeling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is a charming little town,” Castiel commented, thinking how much like a date this felt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love it here. It’s the only home I’ve ever known.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where did you live before here?” Castiel asked only to catch Dean’s frown out of the corner of his eye.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was born in Kansas, a little town called Lebanon. Sammy too. We lived there till my mom died. Then my dad just couldn’t stand it anymore. We mostly lived on the road, staying in motels while my Dad worked odd jobs he could find until he got bored or banned from all the local bars, and we moved on.” Dean shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel could feel more to the story behind the man’s now hard eyes and the way his posture stiffened, but he didn’t ask. It wasn’t his place. If Dean wanted to share more, he would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about you?” Dean asked. “I realized I never asked where you’re from.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I grew up in Massachusetts,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like Boston?” Dean took Castiel’s elbow and led him across a crosswalk and down a side street.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no. Western Massachusetts up near Vermont. It was a pretty isolated area.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What town?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No town, it was just the people who lived there and the church. Nothing incorporated. My family had a PO Box two towns over and my brothers and sister and I were all homeschooled.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, it sounds like you grew up on some kind of fundamentalist compound.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god. Did you?” Dean stopped walking and turned to face him. “I didn’t mean to be, like, an asshole about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s fine. They are who they are. I couldn’t live there forever, though, so college and then seminary school was the best way for me to move on with life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And your family is okay with that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, mostly.” Cas gave a half-hearted shrug, “I’m still working for the church. Even if they wish I was working for theirs, they accept it. But the assumption is that when I finish school, I’ll go back, help establish a more legitimate church, but I…” he shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Dean asked, his voice soft.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I don’t want to get into it. Family’s not an easy topic for me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I get it. Sammy is easy. Bobby and Jody are easy, but the rest of it. Sometimes it hurts too much to think about it for very long.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and then noticed they’d stopped walking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” Dean asked, and when Castiel nodded, he opened the door for him again. Chivalry was apparently not dead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The bar sign said Cioppino's Mediterranean Grill, and from the way Dean waived to the bartender and slid into one of the empty booths, it clear this wasn’t his first time here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the waitress came up, she didn’t even give them menus, just leaned her hip against the table and cocked an eyebrow at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Meg, how ya doin’?” Dean asked with only half the wattage of his usual smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fabulous. Everything’s coming up roses for old Meg. Want your usual?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah, I’ll have the bolognese and a whiskey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fancy. So who's the dreamboat?” the waitress turned her attention to Castiel, and he was taken with her sweet round face with sharp, wicked eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My name is Castiel.” He held out his hand, which Meg shook and then licked the back of.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm, I’m Meg. Let me know if you ever are in the mood for pizza. We don’t usually do it, but for you, I’ll deliver.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cut it out,” Dean barked, his command clear without him raising his voice. The confidence and power of it sent goosebumps across Castiel’s flesh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Party pooper. Okay, hot-wings, what are you having.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel just stared, still in shock from the sound of Dean’s voice and totally unprepared to order without a menu.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’ll have lasagne, and, hey Cas, you want a beer or a whiskey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whiskey,” he muttered, staring at the table. He definitely needed something stronger than a beer tonight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meg cackled before slapping the table and walking off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry about her, she’s… an acquired taste, but mostly harmless,” Dean reassured him, his hand on the table, open and available.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know everyone in town, don’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I guess I do. Bobby took us in and then he went and married the town Sherriff. Plus, with Sam being in high school, I did all the PTA and parent-teacher conferences and football games and stuff.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really? After you moved here, you kept doing all of that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shrugged. “What was I gonna do, just quit on the kid? I was who he was used to relying on, wouldn’t feel right to let someone else just take over.” He looked away and pulled slightly on the reddish blonde hair of his beard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re a good man, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s eyes went wide and red heat licked up from under his shirt collar all the way up to his ears. “I don’t know about all that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, we don’t have to talk about it, but I see what you gave up, what you took on, all because you loved your little brother. Not many men would do that. Fewer would keep doing that when they had an out, especially at that age.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, well, thanks.” Dean shifted in his seat. “Anyway, you’ll meet Sam tomorrow night. He’s a big dork like you with the books and the school. Maybe you can talk him into getting a Master’s or going to law school since you didn’t stop after college. He won’t listen to me since all I have is a GED.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure he doesn’t judge you for that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, of course not, I just mean...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You just meant to deflect attention by putting yourself down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s mouth fell open and he gaped at Castiel. “Well, fuck.” he muttered and began playing with his silver wear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meg returned to their table with glasses of water and their whiskeys. She didn’t say much but made sure to wink at Castiel before leaving.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you and Charlie?” Castiel began, bringing the liquor to his lips. It shouldn’t matter, but he needed to hear it. He needed to know for sure what Dean’s story was so he could get him out of his head and focus on the job he was here to do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel licked his lips. “She’s your girlfriend, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stared at him blankly and then broke out into a riotous laugh that pulled stares from other diners. “Oh God, Cas, you read that so wrong. How can you be so perceptive about some things and just like not even in left field but out in the fucking parking lot with others?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did I miss?” Castiel tilted his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Charlie’s a lesbian. Her girlfriend Dot will be there tomorrow; you can meet her, they’re adorable. Char’s the little sister I never wanted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh!” Castiel drank half his whiskey in one gulp to try and steady his now shaking hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to have to tell her about that one. She’ll die. Like she might actually snort up a lung at the idea of us together. I mean, she and I are living the queer stereotype for sure but not </span>
  <em>
    <span>together.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What stereotype?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean looked at Castiel as if weighing and judging him -- deciding what he should and shouldn’t say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me ask you a question first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re working with Michael. He’s evangelical, and you’re from a fundamentalist family. That usually implies you think about things a certain kind of way. But the stuff you said yesterday about God. It doesn’t sound like either of those. So what kind of minister or reverend or whatever are you studying to become.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you asking me if I have a problem with Charlie being gay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Partially.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no problems with Charlie or anyone else. Everyone has their own path to God, and God has His own plan for each of us. I’m studying to be a non-denominational Christian minister. Someplace I can find other people who think like I do, who believe what I do, who believe faith and love are intrinsically connected and can’t be undone from one another.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, Cas. That’s… like I could go to a church like that, and I’m pretty sure churches just spontaneously combust when I walk past them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel chuckled and downed the rest of his drink, “I’m quite certain that’s not true.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really love what you do, don’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do. Now tell me, what stereotype?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, the one where lesbians always have queer men as their best friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Queer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, Cas. I’m gay. Mostly. I guess the technical label would be bi. I was married for about a year, but that went… poorly in the end, although I definitely loved her. But for the most part, yeah, I’m gay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They held eyes a little too long, the gaze broken only by the sudden appearance of Meg and their food.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Father, help me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel ordered another whiskey.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. We Got This Confession We Just Need For You To Sign</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel met Charlie and Dean came out</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Castiel!  Welcome!” called a tall man with dark skin and a smile that beckoned Castiel to return it just as brightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Reverend Michael,” he reached out a hand to shake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just Michael, please, we don’t stand on a lot of ceremony here in the flock.  One believer is as valued as the next.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled at that, the familiar language sending a shiver down his spine.  But these aren’t his parents.  This isn’t his family or the extended congregation.  These aren’t the people who…  It would just take him some time to find his footing. He’d done it at seminary. He could do it here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Michael was still talking, telling Castiel about Church of Divine Light and how he’d taken over the congregation about five years ago and had built up their numbers since then.  He seemed genuinely proud of the programs he’d brought into the community, like a soup kitchen.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like to get even more programs up and running, which is why you’re here.  A youth ministry is next on my list.  Have you don’t youth ministry before?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel followed Michael through the modest church, taking in the bright light shining through the stained glass until they exited the sanctuary and returned to the more office style space.  Michael’s office was small and all four walls were lined with books.  It was all Castiel could do to not run his fingers over them.  If he were guilty of idol worship, it would be at the altar of knowledge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel closed the door and they sat on opposite sides of the small desk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mr. Novak, I’m not going to lie.  When I heard you were going to be assigned here, I looked into your background.  Not exactly typical.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Sir.  But I’m glad to be here now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It will be a good influence on our congregation to have someone with your upbringing around, especially on the kids.” Something distant behind Michael’s eyes rang familiar. “This town is full of those who pulled them off the righteous path. But you coming here, it’s a sign that we’re on the right track. Think of the million random choices that you make, and yet how each and every one of them brings you closer to your destiny. Do you know why that is? Because it's not random; it's not chance. It's a plan that is playing itself out perfectly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and stayed silent.  He knew better than to interrupt men like this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How are things going at the Winchester place?” Michael asked, staring at him like he was seeking out the secret Castiel kept buried in his soul, wrapped in his own burial shroud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean isn’t being difficult, is he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, he’s been quite accommodating.  What kind of difficulty do you anticipate?” Castiel tilted his head, widening his eyes, and putting on his most earnest face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean is an outlier. He’s happier surrounding himself with those who would pervert him. I’ve tried to reach out to him,” Michael shook his head, “but I simply can’t reach him.  Perhaps you’ll be a good influence on him too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope so,” Castiel smiled, hearing all the little attacks on Dean that Michael coded into his language.  He knew everyone.  He’d been the receiver of every single one. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that, Michael took him to the church office to fill out paperwork and promised to see him tomorrow.  He’d be introducing Castiel to the congregation during the next day’s service and as much as he had reservations about the Reverend, he was looking forward to meeting more people in the community.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he finished, he hopped into the Ford pickup Dean had loaned him and drove straight to Charlie’s.  It was later than he’d hoped.  5:30.  Everyone had been gathering at five, so they could spend time together and order food before starting the movies, but now Castiel was going to be the last one there.  His palms sweat.  God, he hated this, walking into an unknown situation with unknown people.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wished Dean was here with him.  That way, he’d walk in knowing someone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel opened the car door and climbed the stairs up to the front door of an adorable little white house.  It had spindles along the porch and everything.  He could hear the laughter inside and smiled.  He’d longed his whole life to be a part of something like this, to be included.  But it was never an option.  His brothers were cruel, alternating between picking on him and ostracising him for being so different. His only friend had been his sister.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Could this be a place where he could be himself?  He wanted it to be but knew he had to hold part of himself back, always holding part of himself back.  A life where he could work in the church and come to see friends like this would always be out of reach.  But maybe for a night, he could pretend it was his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knocked on the door and loosened his tie, unbuttoning the top two buttons before a beautiful woman, almost his height, with raven black hair and bright red lips, opened the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes?” She said with a low flat voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, hi, uh, is Charlie here?” panic flared in his chest.  Was he at the wrong house?  Had he not actually been invited?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop fucking with him, Dot!” Charlie’s head appeared peeking out from behind the beautiful woman. “Cas, I’m so glad you’re here!  We ordered pizza. I hope that’s okay!  Come in!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shoved Dot out of the way with her hip and reached out to grab Castiel’s hands. “Come in. Relax!”  She pushed him into the living room as a laughing Dot closed the door.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The most haphazard grouping of people was congregated in the living room.  Men and women, all standing close with arms around each other and sitting on laps.  Laughter and harmless bickering surrounded him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This had your name on it,” Dean’s deep voice said close to his side, having appeared seemingly out of nowhere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel turned to find Dean, his hair shorter and beard trimmed close to the side of his face, still full along his jawline, making him look devastatingly handsome.  He held out a tumbler of whiskey with three fingers in it. “It’s better than the stuff we had last night,” Dean winked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shrugged out of his tan trenchcoat and black suit jacket, pulling the tie hanging loose around his neck off, leaving him in a white button-up shirt that showed more chest than he usually allowed, and slim-fitting black pants.  He took his drink, fingers brushing against Dean’s.  He flushed and took a sip. “Yeah, that’s smooth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t tear his eyes from Dean’s lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn,” Meg cooed as she came from another room. “Is this what choir boys look like where you come from?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was never in the choir,” Castiel said, with no intention of making a joke, but she laughed anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on,” Dean wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder and pulled him against his side.  His warmth was like the sun, soothing and bright, but if he allowed himself to touch it or look too long, he’d undoubtedly get burned.  Castiel stepped away far enough for Dean to drop his arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everyone, this is Cas,” Dean announced, pulling all eyes in his direction, making Castiel want to duck and hide away, bury his face against Dean’s chest. “Castiel, this is my brother Sammy--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--“Sam,” a tall man interjected.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Dean rolled his eyes. “His wife, Eileen--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello,” Eileen said with a familiar tone to her voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nice to meet you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Castiel signed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like him,” Eileen said, winking before pushing her way back out of the room to get a drink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Over there are Kevin, Joe, and Benny.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A collection of odd but happy people smiled and waved.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And of course you know Meg, who somehow managed to get invited despite claiming to despise all of us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, not all of you,” Meg sauntered back to Castiel’s side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You missed Claire and Kaya, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah,” Charlie perched on the arm of the couch next to Benny. “Claire works for me on the weekends and stopped by on her way out with Kaya to give me the keys after locking up. “ She clutched her hands to her heart. “I love my little gaybees so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your what?” Castiel asked, earning a chuckle from Dean along with an elbow in his ribs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My baby gays.  It’s incumbent on all elder queers to take on the nourishment and education of young rainbow babies.  You know, the ones without a supportive family or a safe place to be themselves.  Claire’s family is religious, and not the cuddly kind like you Cas, the fire and brimstone kind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m familiar with that brand, yes.  What gives you the impression I’m cuddly?” Castiel tilted his head in question, only to find Charlie lifting her eyebrows and nodding to Dean.  When he turned around, the taller man’s cheeks were flushed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pizza’s here!” Dot announced, opening the door and running out.  Activity broke out all around Castiel as everyone moved to find a seat, grab plates and drinks, and generally get ready for the fun to start.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He found himself nestled on a small couch between Dean and Eileen.  Sam had settled onto the floor between Eileen’s legs, where he had a plate with four pieces of pepperoni pizza.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He eats half our pizza budget,” Dean stage whispered to Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s why I pitch in twice as much money as you tight-wads.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jerk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bitch,” Sam smiled up at his brother, wide and open and full of half-chewed pizza.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, Sam!  What are you, nine?” Dean laughed and leaned over Castiel’s lap to slap his brother on the back of the head.  When he sat pack up, his hand lingered on Castiel’s thigh for just enough longer than he should have to make Castiel lose his ability to breathe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you want?” Dean asked him as Charlie pulled up the Netflix Menu and scrolled through the movies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh... What?” Castiel’s brain had officially stopped working.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pizza.  I’ll get yours too. Just tell me what you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seemed a little rude to blurt out what he really wanted, so he asked for plain cheese—just one piece.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean raised his eyebrows, “Growing boy like you?  You’re never going to fill out if you don’t eat.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m 32, Dean. If I haven’t filled out by now, I don’t think I’m going to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nodded and looked away, but not before running his eyes over Castiel’s body and licking his lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This man is going to be the literal ruin of him.  Fire and Brimstone indeed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie plugged in John Wick and turned off the lights.  The movie was beautifully shot and deliciously irreverent.  Castiel had never seen anything like it before.  So much passion and pain and violence all mixed together in the story of a righteous man.  He couldn’t stop himself from crying when the lead let the puppy up on his bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean did lay his hand on his thigh for a moment then, patting it and giving him a squeeze.  Castiel was thankful for the grounding touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As the movie progressed and moved further into the fantastical, Castiel let his hand drop next to him, so his knuckles glanced across the back of Dean’s hand.  The rough touch sparked in his gut, a guilty pleasure, but a pleasure nonetheless.  He let himself trail his touch along the back of Dean’s hand.  Slow, gentle.  A ghost touch that might not have been there at all, except they both knew it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel let out a stuttering breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean moved his foot so it pressed against the side of Castiel’s boot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel moved his knee so his thigh pressed against Dean’s, their hands now laying in the space between their thighs, fingers intertwined in a backward kind of handhold.  His heart beat hard like he’d run miles, chased by his brothers.  But when Dean shifted his hand, turning it over in Cas’s and holding it properly, that’s when he forgot how to breathe altogether.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the movie ended, he released Dean’s hand and sat up, distancing himself from the other man, who looked at him with a frown.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what did you think?” Charlie asked, practically bouncing in her seat.  Dot was wrapped around her, like a lazy lap snake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve all seen it like a million times,” Meg rolled her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not all of us!” Charlie stared at Castiel, clearly expecting an in-depth analysis of her movie selection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The righteous will rejoice when he sees the vengeance; he will bathe his feet in the blood of the wicked.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Charlie squinted at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Psalm 58:10,” Castiel clarified, confident they would all see what he did.  “It’s funny.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy shit, man, you can just like, pull bible quotes out of your ass?” Benny chimed in, eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Give him a break. He’s in seminary school,” Dean said with a shrug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just called seminary.  You don’t add the school part, Dean.” Sam chided with a smirk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t think you’re too old for me to kick your ass,” Dean leaned forward, closer to his brother’s taunting face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not too old, but definitely too big.” At that, Dean lunged forward, tackling Sam to the ground.  Both Castiel and Eileen pulled their feet up onto the couch as the crowd laughed.  Someone even started throwing popcorn.  Dean threw a leg over his brother’s hip and flipped him onto his back, where he was able to get him in a headlock.  But Sam was right about being bigger.  He used his height and bulk to throw Dean back, landing on him and earning a breathy grunt from his brother.  The two scuffled for a few more minutes before Dean managed to get his knee on Sam’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All right, all right!” Eileen said and signed. “I would like him back in one piece, please!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The laughter died down and Charlie queued up John Wick II.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, but just one more.  Cas has to be up for church in the morning.” Dean sat back down, a little closer to Castiel this time, and draped his arm over the back of the couch.  In his reach, he took full advantage of the opportunity to stick his finger in Eileen’s ear, earning a screech and another smack from Sam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you can’t behave, I’ll make you sit next to Meg,” Charlie scolded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” Meg threw a pillow at her as the movie began.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel couldn’t keep track of the plot of the movie at all.  He was pretty sure it was due to the way Dean’s fingers danced across his shoulder and collar bone.  The rest of him didn’t move and the touches were light enough that if Castiel shifted, it would be over, but he didn’t.  He found he couldn’t pull himself away.  Not the way he knew he should.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, he kept his hands on his lap, using every ounce of self-control not to lay his hand on Dean’s thigh the way the other man had touched him.  He breathed through his mouth, not caring if anyone heard the panting sounds over the thankfully loud movie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s fingers traced the line of his neck, feeling the muscle and running the pads of his fingers across his flesh. Heat flashed across his skin, sending flames out from everywhere Dean touched.  Castiel moved his hands to his lap and pressed against the growing erection that threatened to take away all ability to think with reason.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look good in a suit,” he whispered against the edge of Castiel’s ear, making his whole body break out in shivers.  He closed his eyes.  He didn’t know how long he sat shaking in the dark, having lost all interest in the movie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was over, Castiel was hanging on by a thread, teetering on the edge of a heart attack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Any insightful quotes for this one?” Dot asked as she flipped off the television, Charlie fast asleep against her shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m afraid not.  I think the first one still applies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And will apply to the third!” Meg laughed, jolting Charlie out of her sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where is it? Where’s the bunny?” she slurred, making everyone laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone gathered trash and then tumbled out of the house.  It wasn’t really that late but their brains were numb from so many hours of John Wick in a row.  Dean walked close to Castiel and when they got to the car, he placed his hand on his lower back.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wanna ride with me?  Leave the car here?  I can drive you back into town in the morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I’m fine to drive,” Castiel noted but didn’t let himself think about the brief look of disappointment in Dean’s eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, you know the way?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so, plus I can follow you.  You can stop worrying.” Castiel grinned, and for a brief moment, imagined what it would be like to lean up and place a reassuring kiss on Dean’s cheek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stepped away but was stopped by Benny.  He was almost as tall as Dean but half again as wide.  All muscle and smiles.  The man couldn’t keep his hands off Dean.  An arm around the shoulder, a whisper in the ear, a hand cupping his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel hated it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He climbed into his truck, put on the GPS and took off, not waiting to see if Dean was behind him.  He’d get home when he got home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The little log cabin was warm, and Garth greeted Castiel with a solid lean against the leg.  He leaned down and hugged the warm creature, happy for the comfort.  After letting the dog out and grabbing himself another glass of whiskey, he slipped into his room, intending to change his clothes, but once in there, he couldn’t stop moving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He paced his tiny room until it became claustrophobic and he had to go out into the main room where he paced the length of the entire cabin.  His mind was full of incomplete thoughts paired with the memory of Dean’s hand on his thigh, his fingers against his neck, his breath on his ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel throbbed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At no other time in his life had he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> so desperately.  He was so careful, stayed away from temptation, kept himself busy, devoted himself to doing good, and bringing love.  And after barely 48 hours with Dean, his body felt like he had been doused with a completely new kind of flame.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Dean got home, Castiel was raging.  He had no words for what he felt. It was all new and terrifying and wonderful and absolutely wholly impossible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean opened the door and stopped when he saw Castiel’s face.  He shut the door behind him, ignored a bouncing Garth, and instead of saying anything, poured himself some whiskey and topped off Castiel’s glass.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel downed it like a shot and held his glass up for another.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean raised an eyebrow in question before pouring it, earning himself a withering stare. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time, Castiel sipped it and sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Better?” Dean asked before tipping back his glass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know yet.” Castiel’s voice was low and husky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he looked at Dean, the man’s eyes were wide, his pupils blocking out most of the green usually found there.  He licked his lips and stepped toward Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, you gotta, you gotta be clear with me.” Dean stammered, finishing his drink and setting the glass down on the coffee table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never been anything but honest with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I believe you, but your signals are kind of all over the place.  One second you’re doing everything you can to avoid looking at me after I tell you I’m gay, which I gotta say, still isn’t the easiest thing to do, and the next, you look like you’re about to climb on my lap and have your way with me.  So which is it?  I’m not pressuring you one way or the other. I just… I gotta know what I’m dealing with here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a sip of his drink and held Dean’s eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tonight during the movie…” Dean started and then stopped, his chest rising and falling like he was trying to catch his breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were touching me,” Castiel whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t pull away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to.” The words were out before he could stop them.  The truth was something he had never been good at hiding.  He drained his glass and set it down next to Dean’s</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want me to touch you now?” Dean asked, taking a step forward.  His movements restrained, but the passion in his eyes was wild.  A beast that once unleashed Castiel didn’t know if he would survive. “Cas, can I touch you now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel sucked in a breath and nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stepped in front of him, and instead of grabbing him roughly, the way Castiel had imagined, he placed a flat palm on the center of his chest and wrapped his other hand around the back of Castiel’s neck, pulling him forward so their foreheads were barely touching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was strangely intimate, standing there, bodies millimeters from touching, just breathing together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, Cas, I’ve never met anyone like you before,” Dean said. He stepped closer, planting a foot between Castiel’s and pressing the lengths of their bodies together.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel could feel the thickness of Dean’s erection against his hip and felt his half-hard cock plump up.  Dean wanted him.  That idea alone was enough to throw Castiel over the edge of reason.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grabbed the sides of Dean’s face and pulled him into his lips.  Hard and demanding, Castiel wrapped around the other man, his hands stroking his beard and arms and back, gripping him and holding on tight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, Cas.” Dean kissed him back, no longer tender and unsure.  He nipped at Castiel’s lower lip, pulling on it and pressing for entrance with his tongue until they were engulfed with the taste and scent of each other.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean grabbed Castiel’s ass, pulling him closer, while Castiel slid his hands under the hem of Dean’s shirt, letting his fingers run along his hard stomach and up to his thick pecs.  He felt like everything Castiel ever dreamed of touching.  His skin smooth, the soft smattering of hair rough against his fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel let out a moan when Dean rocked his body forward, rutting against his erection, delivering delicious friction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, God.” Dean moaned, moving his lips down to Castiel’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Castiel had frozen in place.  Reminded of who he was.  Of what he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled back, taking his hands off Dean, and stepping out of reach. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He left Dean standing there alone as he retreated to his tiny room, where he sat on the floor, his back against the door, and cried.  The blackness just beneath the earth reaching up to capture him and steal his soul.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Trust, Our Differences Make Us Stronger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: <br/>Cas meets Michael and learns more about the church<br/>Dean invites Cas to movie night with the crew<br/>and then<br/>They kiss...<br/>and Cas runs away</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Peace be with you,” a beautiful dark-haired woman with modest makeup approached Castiel with her hand stretched out.  The service was almost over, and Michael had assured everyone they would have a chance to meet the new intern during coffee hour, but none-the-less, people had swarmed him when it came time to pass the peace.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And also with you,” he replied automatically, taking her hand and feeling the soft skin against his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s so lovely to meet you, Castiel.  I’m Duma.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma?  Like Doumah?  Patron Saint of Unbelievers?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stared at him, eyes wide, mouth agape. “Yes, Shield of the Lord, exactly like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one ever knows the meaning of my name,” Castiel smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know the feeling.  Most people assume mine is Russian.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel barked out a laugh and looked around, but no one had noticed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, most people here are pretty laid back.  Michael has managed to fill the pews, but he’s still a ways from his vision.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like to hear more about that.” Castiel smiled, enjoying the ease with which he could talk to the woman.  She appeared younger than him by a few years, but they clearly had a lot in common.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Any time.  I work in the office here, part-time, and clean houses to make up the rest of what I need for income,” she shrugged, and Castiel instantly liked how comfortable she was with who she was and what she did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe, we could have lunch after coffee hour,” he offered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Duma laughed.  You’ve never been to a traditional coffee hour, have you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You won’t be hungry afterward, trust me.  But maybe we could go for a walk.  You’re new. Someone should show you around town.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled and nodded, not informing her that Dean had already driven him around town and shown him many of the sights.  Dean was something he couldn’t bear to think about right now.  He’d managed to get up and out of the house without having to face him this morning, but he was equal parts dreading and longing to see him again later today.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That darkness that followed him around licked at his toes, trying to pull his attention down into the black.  Castiel closed his eyes and focused on the bustle of activity around him, connecting himself to the hum of people, letting it soothe him and bring him into the present.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Music for the next hymn began to play and Duma returned to her seat as everyone turned their attention to Michael, who sang out with a full beautiful voice.  Castiel found himself swaying to the music like they did back home and singing out the baritone medley he’d known all his life.  He guessed Meg was right. He was a choir boy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Coffee Hour sped by, with Castiel having plate after plate of food shoved into his hands and so many people wanting to stop and talk to him.  Names and faces flit by, and he tried to lodge them into his brain.  Everyone seemed to be in the small church, the town vet, the local barkeep, and a young dark-haired woman who cleaned houses and never seemed to be far from sight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A friendly black woman named Missouri talked to him for a long time, filling him in on all the church gossip.  He clung to each piece of information like lifeblood, hoping he remembered it all, and a rough voiced woman named Ellen shook his hand but didn’t say much.  Eventually, a family came over and introduced themselves—Jimmy, Amelia, and their daughter Claire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jimmy and Amelia made the usual small talk and said all the things expected of small-town Christians.  It was comfortable.  Castiel may not believe exactly what they did, but the people were familiar.  In the end, weren’t they all the same under Heaven’s Light?  So he slipped back into his role.  It was a suit he knew how to fit into, unlike his own skin, which always felt alien and too tight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claire, though, was dressed all in black, hair in a tangle of braids and knots, heavy black eyeliner, and what appeared to be a permanent eye roll.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Claire, you don’t by chance work with Charlie Bradburry, do you?” Castiel asked as her parents began to walk away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She held back and eyed him suspiciously. “Yeah, why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m staying with Dean Winchester, and he introduced me to her.  You came up in conversation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of conversation?” the look of panic in Claire’s eyes as she simultaneously tried to silence him and look around to make sure she’s safe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The kind that’s no one’s business but ours,” Castiel smiled, holding eye contact for as long as she would allow.  She was scared.  He knew that feeling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you’re Cas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, ha, yeah, yeah, that’s what Dean calls me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you’re like his friend?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so,” Castiel said, his own turmoil threatening to come to the surface. “I’ve only known him a few days, but I like him quite a bit.  And from what I hear, Charlie likes you quite a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, she’s, uh, helped me out sometimes when I needed a place to stay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” Cas didn’t ask any questions.  The meeting room where coffee hour was held was emptying out and he didn’t want to risk anyone overhearing them. “Just, for the record, you can count me as someone you can come to if you need help again.  In case Charlie’s not available.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know… why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” He said before smiling gently. “And you can still count on me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Claire!” Amelia called from the doorway and Claire turned around to rush out, but before she got to her parents, she turned with a small smile and a wave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel breathed out.  This was why he was here.  To see that look.  He took a bite of coffee cake and sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You got Claire to talk to you?” Michael asked, coming up next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Along with many others.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re the right man for the youth program if you can get Claire to talk.  That girl is as tight-lipped as they come, and not very open to redirection.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have a lot of cousins.  Teenagers are fun to work with.  I find them refreshingly straightforward.” Castiel smiled in the direction Claire had gone and took another bite.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, are you hungry, or was I right?” Duma teased as she joined them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel turned and took in her beaming face.  Her smile lit up her eyes, shining through her very being.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were correct,” he grinned, his lips disappearing as he forced himself to give her all of his attention.  Duma was kind.  Duma was objectively beautiful.  Duma was in the church.  He missed his sister.  Perhaps Duma could be the answer and ease the loneliness that colored everything he did because the rest of it just hurt too much to think about.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they walked out, Castiel held out his arm so Duma could take his elbow, and her eyes fluttered up at him from under his lashes.  Yes, he would focus his attention on his work, writing his thesis, and making a friend in Duma.  He felt contentment settle into his bones as they chatted, looking at the birds as they flew by and stopping to admire the spring flowers in the small downtown park.  It was simple.  It was easy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Castiel returned to the small cabin in the woods, Dean was already working in the kitchen. “Welcome home!” he called over his shoulder, his voice slightly strained, but he didn’t turn his head, allowing Castiel to grunt a greeting and disappear into his room to change out of his church clothes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The tension from earlier in the day returned. It gripped him by the shoulder blades, weighing him down.  The blackness swelling beneath his feet lurched up, grasping for purchase.  Castiel had to sit down. It hurt so much it took his strength away.  There had to be another answer to this life he lived.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His mind continuously drifted to the strong, rugged man in the next room.  He could hear him singing along with the music, dancing with himself barefoot as he cooked in the kitchen he built with his own two hands.  The image in his mind made him lick his lips, remembering the hunger of their kiss. His treacherous body woke up in ways it hadn’t in years, in ways he’d trained it not to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stood and changed quickly, heading back out, planning to tell Dean not to worry about his dinner, and disappearing into the evening in the truck that still smelled vaguely of precisely the person he was trying to escape.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But when he stepped out, the table was set and Dean stood in his silly apron and a smile on his face as broad as morning. “Perfect timing!”  He sat down and gestured to what had now become Castiel’s seat. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink, so I just got water, but there’s soda and beer in the fridge if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Water is perfect.” Castiel sat, feeling like he was all elbows and knees like he might tip sideways and fall right out of his chair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, Cas,” Dean said after chewing for a while.  He put down his utensils and looked directly at him, not giving Castiel a single molecule of oxygen to try to breathe. “I feel like I owe you an apology.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked at him, eyes frozen on the other man’s lips as he chewed on the inside of his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about it, and I really wasn’t fair to you last night. I mean, you’re new and you live here and I put you on the spot.  I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable or like you owed me something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shook his head, “It’s not of import.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it kind of is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now it was Castiel’s turn to put down his utensils.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like you, and I’d like us to be friends, regardless of last night. But more than that, Charlie called me today.”  Dean paused and Castiel felt like he was inspecting his very soul.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She, um, she said Claire came into work today from Church in a good mood, which has literally never happened in the history of all things Claire.  She said you and she talked.  That you told her you were there if she needed you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, man, Claire’s a good kid and she’s in desperate need of some adults who give a shit about her.  Charlie does what she can, but to have someone at the church her parents drag her to, I don’t know, try and “pray the gay away” or whatever, say they’re on her side, that’s a big deal.  Don’t fuck with her.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel flinched at the language and noticed how rigid Dean’s posture had become. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s voice turned tender. “I’m not entirely sure </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> know what you think you’re doing, Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel blanched. He could feel the blood leaving his face, dripping down his arms, and pooling on the floor where it dripped from his fingers.  He didn’t think anyone had ever summed him up quite so succinctly or clearly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s not a pray the gay away kind of church from what I can tell so far.  If it were, I wouldn’t have come here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean snorted but waived for Castiel to continue.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And if I’m wrong and it is, I’ll do what I can to change it, or if there’s another influence trying to hurt Claire, I meant what I said.  I don’t care if she’s gay, just like I don’t care if you are.  If she needs someone to talk to or rely on, I’ll do whatever I can to be there for her. I won’t... ” he stammered and then looked Dean in the eye… “I won’t let anyone else get hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t get you, man.” Dean shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nevermind, we don’t have to talk about it,” Dean went to pick his utensils back up but Castiel reached out, letting his long thick fingers touch Dean’s strong slender ones for just an instant.  The contact like electricity flying up his arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You clearly have something to say, and I’m honestly worried that you could think I’d lie to Claire or betray her in some way, so you might as well just say it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, you kissed me last night.” The words were blunt and straightforward, but Dean’s eyes were kind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked away, feeling the rising nausea he was so familiar with.  To talk about this, in the light of day… He broke out in a sweat and his mouth filled with saliva.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, I think you did,” Dean continued.  “I asked if it was okay and, yeah, I’m pretty damn sure you kissed me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we stop talking about this,” Cas said, turning his head fully to the left.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You ran, Cas.  I thought… but if you’re not interested, that’s fine, I’m not gonna be a dick about it, but you just ran.  Did I do something wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel couldn’t resist then, turning to look into the soulful green eyes that were trying so desperately to figure out the indecipherable realities of who he was.  There was hurt in their depths—hurt he had put there.  Castiel was nothing.  He was the worst kind of hypocrite.  He deserved the blackness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You did nothing wrong.” He stood up, backing up toward the hall.  “I didn’t run from you, Dean.  I ran from me.” He took a few shallow breaths trying to stave back the tears.  “I can believe God loves you and Claire while still knowing without a doubt that there’s a place reserved for me in hell I can’t ever escape.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A sob broke from his lips and through watery eyes, he saw Dean stand, but he was already halfway turned away.  He locked himself in the bathroom and threw up, the remnants of coffee hour splashing in the bowl.  He flushed and leaned against the cool porcelain, ignoring the man knocking on the door, calling his name.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. However Invincible You Imagine Yourself To Be--You Are Wrong</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Cas gets to know the church and Dean calls him out on his bullshit.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel laid on the floor, the cool porcelain leaching the warmth from his body until he felt numb enough to face the world.  When he stood up Dean had finally stopped knocking.  He turned the water as cold as it would go, leaving his fingers under the flow until they shriveled and shook.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Father, I fervently pray again to be washed, be sanctified, and be justified.” He took a handful of the freezing water and poured it over his head, and then his face, letting it soak his shirt.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few deep breaths, he toweled off and steadied his hands.  This was just another day, like any other, and he was still only Castiel, no one of import, no one of worth, here to do good to offset the evil in his soul.  He brushed his teeth and left the safety of the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The voice in his head told him he needed to be purified, to purge the evil from his body, to lay in his own vomit and shit until he repented.  That darkness curled around the edges of his vision, trying to control him, trying to steal his soul back to the place he’d escaped.  But a few deep breaths recentered him.  He was out, he wouldn’t allow his mind to trap him back in the hell he’d clawed his way free from.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The house was dim, with only a small lamp in the living room on.  He wanted to retreat to his room, hide away until the next day.  He could pretend it was to maintain his purity, or so he could start work on his thesis, but he couldn’t lie.  He wanted to hide from Dean, and the man deserved better than that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he stepped out onto the porch and found him sitting on the swing with a beer in one hand, the other arm draped over the back.  His foot pushed him back and forth and his eyes were trained on the sky.  There was no way he hadn’t heard Castiel come out, but he waited, giving him time.  The kindness of patience.  More than he deserved.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Garth barked somewhere in the yard bringing a smile to Dean’s lips.  Soft and kind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wishing on a star?” Castiel finally asked, coming to sit next to Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled his arm back, resting it in his lap, creating a distance between them there that hadn’t existed until now.   There wasn’t quite enough room for both of them, but they’d sat closer than this before. It crushed against Castiel’s heart.  He’d put that there, the distrust, the confusion.  It was the price he paid his whole life, being separate from those he cared for, always on the outside.  But why did this time hurt so much more? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s the difference between wishing on a star and a prayer?” Dean mused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess it depends on if you believe someone is listening or not.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Dean still didn’t look at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, I’m sorry I got upset again.  None of this has anything to do with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nodded, took a sip of his beer, and began peeling the label off. “Somebody really fucked you up, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded, feeling a manic kind of laughter start to rise.  These were forbidden things.  Things never to be spoken of.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to,” Dean patted his knee gently, removing it quickly, leaving Castiel with a sense of loss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t know where to start.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if you ever do, I’m here.  I’m a decent listener when I need to be.  And Cas?” he looked up and their eyes connected for the briefest of moments before Castiel had to look away. “For whatever it’s worth, if you’ve been through what it seems like you have, I’m real damn impressed that you didn’t absorb all that hate and can be there for Claire.  Maybe I was wrong to doubt you.  Maybe you’re exactly who she, and kids like her, need.” Dean shrugged and looked back up at the stars.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel stared at the other man’s profile.  The perfect Anglican nose and plump lips.  His lashes long as the twinkling lights lining the porch ceiling brought tears to Castiel's eyes yet again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, you and Charlie were just looking out for your ‘gaybee’. You already know this but she’s lucky to have that.  Adults who care, who protect her.  It’s more than most of us grew up with.” He sniffed, unable to look at the man next to him. “And Dean? Thank you,” he breathed, unsure if the other man heard, before getting up and heading inside to get ready for bed.  He knew sleep would be hard-fought tonight but the emotions churning in his gut and burning his chest would need some time to settle down before he could even try.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew he was fucked up.  His thinking, his faith.  He knew God was love and when he prayed and studied and meditated he truly believed he could feel God working through.  The world around him was out of control, but love could solve it, and that meant loving everyone, the whole planet.  He knew language and logic and love were all on his side and that his beliefs were not so radical.  He stood by them and fought for them every day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So why then couldn’t he believe he was worthy of that same love?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the morning, Castiel woke early and pulled on loose cotton pants and a long-sleeved shirt he’d gotten at the thrift store in town and went out on the small porch.  Garth perked up from his massive dog bed in the living room and followed him out, disappearing into the woods to do whatever it was Giant monster dogs did in the early morning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laid out his yoga mat and started his routine, stretching and waking up each muscle group, greeting the sun and the birds with morning blessings.  By the time Dean came out he had worked up a sweat and was tempted to take off his shirt, but was glad he’d resisted.  He held his position, breathing into the stretch before leaning down to touch his toes and arch his back up with his hand swooping up high and coming back down to prayer position in front of his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re up…and...” Dean coughed, “flexible.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel felt a giggle bubble up in his chest but squashed it as much as he could. “Clean body, clean soul.” He smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That explains all the whiskey,” Dean winked before walking back to the door. “Coffee?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please,” Castiel rolled up his mat, wiped his brow, and came back inside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can lean that by the door if you want.  You don’t have to keep all your stuff locked away in your room.  Feel free to move in.” Dean said, pouring out two large mugs of black coffee and handing one to Castiel.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat on the sofa, more space between them than usual. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean?” Cas began.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I realized I have no idea what you do.  It’s Monday. Do you have a job to get to today?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean smiled, a little laugh escaping his lips. “Oh I always have work to get to, but it’s not exactly a job.  I started working as a mechanic for Bobby when we first moved here and still pull a few shifts there, and when anybody needed something fixed, I could usually figure it out.  Turns out I’m a pretty good engineer and electrician.  I eventually got my GM certification for plumbing and everything else you need to do renovations.  Handyman work mostly pays the bills.  I’ve cobbled together a decent life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then what is Winchester Designs?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re sitting on it.” Dean beamed over to Castiel, running a hand along the couch. “I made all the furniture in here, remember?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, you said that but… I didn’t realize...  So you built this whole house and then built all the furniture in it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even my bed and the beautiful desk in my room,” Castiel remembered running his hands over that desk the first day he was here, appreciating the art and talent that had gone into making it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep.” Dean smiled with a flush. “So every now and then people will commission me to make something for them, or I’ll get an idea I have to try and if it turns out alright the furniture shop in town will put it on display and see if it sells.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is absolutely amazing.  That kind of talent.  How do you know what to make?  How can you figure out what to do next.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shrugged in that nonchalant way of his. “I don’t know, it just makes sense to me.  Like cleaning and putting together a gun, or running electrical wires through a wall, there’s just a right way and a wrong way to do it.  I look at a thing and I can see it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so impressed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nothing, Cas.  I could never deliver a sermon or write a thesis or move halfway across the country to live with strangers like you have.  We’re all just doing our thing.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, a sure-fire sign he’s feeling exposed. “Are you hungry?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh no,” Castiel said, standing up and taking Dean’s empty mug from him. “I’m heading into the Church to work in the office.  I have a few ideas to write up for Michael and Duma’s going to show me around the filing system.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thrilling,” Dean leaned back and pulled his feet up on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, every moment is like a shot of adrenalin right to the heart.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean barked a laugh and slapped his leg while Castiel placed their mugs in the dishwasher.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I may stay in town, go to the library, or work in the meeting room, getting my thoughts for my thesis together.  It's honestly going to take more of my time than the programming is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you writing about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked away and shifted his weight to his other foot. “I have a few ideas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Point made, I won’t pry.” Dean chuckled and stood up, walking past Castiel with a slap on the back, “See you tonight, then.  I’ll be at Bobby’s garage if you need me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Castiel shuffled in place, watching Dean disappear into his room before letting out a deep breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The days took on an easy pattern, working in the church office with Duma for a few hours, either doing his own work or helping with hers, and then researching in the church book collections or the library.  In the evenings, Dean would cook and they would sit and talk about their days.  Friday and Saturday Castiel took off, with the regular gathering of Movie Night at Charlie’s.  He’d come to enjoy everyone’s company, even consider them something akin to friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And on Saturday nights, when the lights went out and he sat tight up against Dean, they would hold hands, a stolen touch, otherwise unspoken of and unreplicated.  It fueled Castiel’s desire, a simple point of contact that held him together through the rest of his week, a thumb dancing delicately across the back of his hand, thighs pressed tight, breath shallow leaving him lightheaded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He managed to avoid eating as much as possible, the ache of hunger pulling his attention so he didn’t have time to do anything other than the task in front of him.  He focused on his programs, on his thesis, and when his mind drifted to Dean, he focused on the pangs and ache in his stomach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Weeks of this went by until one night, while Castiel knelt in his room praying deep into the morning hours, begging for strength.  It wasn’t unusual for him to arrive at the church with bags under his eyes, brain foggy from lack of sleep.  He was searching for something, listening for an answer to his prayers, anything that would give him forward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, he heard the muffled sound of a man screaming.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled on a long sleeve shirt and opened his door slowly, peeking into the living room to see a snoring Garth and locked door.  When the sound came again, he heard mumbled words and the thud of something hitting the wall in Dean’s room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had never ventured into the other man’s room, never even peeked, despite the constant temptation, especially when Dean left the door cracked.  But now worry overrode propriety.  He inched the door open to discover Dean tangled in his sheets.  The moonlight streamed through the window, revealing Dean’s face twisted in a way Castiel had never seen before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” he whispered, not wanting to startle the man awake.  But the little whimpers of fear and occasional thrashing of feet pushed him forward.  He climbed onto the bed, sitting close to Dean and pressing his hands onto the man’s bare chest. “Dean, Dean, wake up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Dean cried out, his arms flailing and hitting the headboard behind him with a thud, barely missing Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Castiel soothed, lying next to him, pulling him into a tight embrace.  The feeling of Dean’s bare chest made Castiel’s breath stutter but he shoved it aside and held him close.  He may be thin but he was strong, he had plenty of experience wrestling with his brothers. As the taller man struggled Castiel pulled him tighter, throwing a leg over his so he couldn’t hurt himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, Dean.  You’re okay.  I’ve got you.  I’ve got you.” He continued to coo comfort and reassurance until the man calmed and finally woke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he whispered, relaxing his hold on Dean but not letting go altogether. Dipping his face down into his hair, the temptation to place a soothing kiss almost irresistible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know if you’d noticed, but you’re in my bed,” Dean smirked in the darkness, but the bags under his eyes and the flatness of his eyes betrayed how much the dream had bothered him. “You might want to work on personal space.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I was worried the bed was trying to eat you, so I came immediately to your rescue.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank God,” Dean said, turning in Castiel’s arms so they lay next to each other face to face. “Was I yelling?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And punishing your sheets for some unknown infraction.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Dean mumbled, wiping sweat off his brow. “What time is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s late, but don’t worry, I was up.  Are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s no big deal.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Must you make everything a crude joke?” Castiel sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have your ways of coping, I have mine.” Dean frowned, his body finally beginning to relax.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can talk about it if you want.  My sister and I used to play a game where anything said under the covers at night was never really said and couldn’t be discussed until the next sheet tent was safely erected.  We shared many secrets that way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s your sister’s name?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hannah, she’s younger than me, but we were the closest of the siblings.  Kindred spirits our mother used to say.  More ammunition against me as far as Ishram was concerned.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ammunition?” Dean yawned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are we telling secrets?  I’ll answer your question if you tell me about your dream.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No dice.  It’s gonna take more than your sister’s name to convince me to open that can of worms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They laid there in silence, Castiel slowly disentangling from Dean but not going far.  The dual pulls, to flee from temptation and to lean into it, ripping him in half.  He thought of King Solomon and his order to have a baby who was claimed by two mothers cut in half.  He knew the true mother by the one who couldn’t bear to see such a thing happen.  What would happen if he were cut in two.  What part of him would prove to be true?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for waking me up,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anytime.  And if you wake up before I hear you, you can always come get me up.  I’ll make you a mug of hot cocoa and we’ll make a pillow fort.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Dean.” Castiel got up and returned to his bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next Saturday, Castiel skipped Movie Night, instead taking Duma out to dinner.  After which he walked her home hand in hand.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Like The First Time You Felt That Shock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel tries to get his shit together<br/>Dean has a nightmare</p><p>CW: PTSD</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Friday night became youth night at the church.  Castiel told Michael it was to keep the kids from being out unsupervised on the weekend, but really it was because he knew Claire didn’t have work.  He did very few religious focused activities, much to Michael’s dismay, but instead took the group bowling and stargazing and viewing movies.  Castiel tried to explain the importance of trust and safety for teens to open up, but Michael just frowned, convinced there should be a more active aspect of directing and influencing their behaviors.</p><p>The kids though seemed to be having fun, and after a while, he was able to get them into having real conversations about their families, their lives, even God.  Castiel’s quiet, easygoing approach worked.  Kids brought friends from school to join them, and when he was out, kids would give him a hug or a slap on the shoulder.  It was a real connection he was forging and every day it filled him with a sense of rightness, of calling.</p><p>God had sent him here, God had called him to walk a true path.  And even though he was weak, even though he was a sinner, his <em> work </em> would be his legacy.</p><p>Soon, he began Sunday afternoon bible study for teens and adults.  A gathering he had worried wouldn’t be well attended but was happy to see many familiar faces from Youth Group and the community.  </p><p>The first meeting included Michael, Duma, Claire, and her family, Ellen--who turned out to be Jo’s mother, Missouri, Arthur, Zach, and a number of other faces Castiel was still working to remember.  They talked about history, about the bible as a living document that changed with the passage of time, about the art of translation vs. transliteration, and the entomology of language.  Castiel was in his version of heaven.</p><p>At the end everyone was excited for next week’s discussion, promising to return and tasked with bringing the oldest version of the bible they could find in their home.  Castiel himself had 5 bibles with him, lugged all the way from Vermont, and he planned to bring them all.  His energy was high, his passion and inspiration stirred to new levels.  This was what he joined the seminary for.</p><p>He didn’t notice the look on Michael’s face until the room had emptied out.</p><p>“Just what do you think you’re doing, Castiel?”</p><p>He turned and raised an eyebrow at the older man. “Excuse me?”</p><p>“Ok, let me be more clear.  Just what the <em> hell </em> do you think you’re doing?”</p><p>“Michael, I don’t understand.  Have I done something wrong?”</p><p>“This is not what we agreed to.”</p><p>Castiel shook his head trying to clear away the confusion. “Your meaning is no clearer.  We agreed I would run a bible study group.  We just spent over an hour studying the bible, and your parishioners enjoyed it.  Isn’t that what you wanted?  For them to engage with the scripture?”</p><p>“With the scripture.  With the word of God as written.  Not with your academic attempts to rip it apart.” Michael’s voice rose, passion driving his words. “This is exactly the problem with progressive Christianity and I won’t have it in my church.”</p><p>“This is nothing at odds with our faith, this is history, facts, and it’s exciting to learn about. It engages people so they interact with the scripture, not just obey it.” Castiel retorted more fire in his words than he usually allowed.</p><p>Michael tightened his jaw and spit out, “<em> Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. </em>   It is not to be interpreted, it is <em> truth </em>.</p><p>Castiel narrowed his eyes, not about to have the bible used against him ever again. “<em> All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. </em>”</p><p>“You’re hanging your own rope with this.  It will turn out badly.  People need direction, the surety of truth, not interpretation or translations.  The flock is weak, it’s your job to be strong.  The sooner you learn that the better you will be at your job.”</p><p>“Perhaps that is true,” Castiel nodded slowly.  “But on the off chance it is not, I’d rather fail while encouraging people to find love and truth in their relationship with God, than be a dictator of His word.”  Castiel gathered his jacket and left the silenced Michael behind.</p><p>He drove too fast, the roads slick from the early morning rain, but he knew the way now.  The way home to reassurance and comfort.  The way to Dean.  His phone rang and when he saw Duma’s name on the screen he ignored it, anger and frustration filling his thoughts.</p><p>When he got home, he discovered Dean standing in the middle of the living room in nothing but a low slung pair of jeans flipping himself upside down in an attempt to do a handstand.  Garth cowered at the end of the couch, barking at his owner in horror.</p><p>“Dean?” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“Can you do a handstand?” Dean asked after falling flat on his back.</p><p>“I can.”</p><p>“Stupid yoga,” Dean muttered. “Think you can teach me?”</p><p>“Why exactly do you need to learn how to do a handstand?”</p><p>“Sam said I couldn’t.” Dean cast his eyes downward, realizing instantly how stupid and juvenile he sounded.</p><p>“So your little brother dared you?”</p><p>“And then Charlie laughed!” Dean sat up and gave Castiel big offended eyes. “You gotta help me Cas, this kind of insult can’t go unanswered.”</p><p>Castiel laughed; his anger from the morning disappearing into the afternoon light. “I’ll try, but you aren’t really built for it.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Dean looks down at his body, eyebrows pulled together in critical concentration.  His gaze drew Castiel’s eyes with it, looking over the broad shoulders, the strong chest, the tight waist that pulled into a strong v between sharp hip bones bringing Castiel’s eyes even lower.</p><p>When he looked back up, a knowing Dean stared him right in the eye, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. “Is there something wrong with how I’m built?” his voice a low growl.</p><p>“I… no… it’s just… Um, you’re a little top-heavy.”</p><p>Dean barked out a laugh. “I have never heard that one before!”</p><p>“I just mean,” And instead of trying to explain he dropped his bag and jacket and flipped over into a steady handstand.  He walked around a little on his hands to find his balance until he could just hold still.  “See, I’m skinnier than you, my center of gravity is in the middle, but yours is in your chest, it makes it harder to find a steady place to be comfortable, but with practice, you can still do it.” </p><p>He stood on his hands in front of Dean, their eyes almost meeting, but instead, Dean looked him over and reached out a tender hand.  His fingers touched the scarred flesh of Castiel’s stomach, his shirt had been untucked and fell down, revealing the burn marks that started over his right shoulder and trailed down over his hip and below the waistline of his pants.</p><p>When his fingertips made contact, Castiel fell.</p><p>“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Dean reached forward but Castiel scrambled back, crab crawling away from his touch. “Okay, I didn’t mean to scare you.  I won’t touch you.” He held up his hands and sat, quiet, patient.</p><p>Castiel shook, memories as hot and deep as the burns on his flesh had been.  He shook his head, eyes wild and dilated as he tried to escape what he knew was coming.  “Fuck…” he whispered.  “Fuck…” the words wrenched out of his throat.  A word his lips barely knew how to speak, it felt alien in his mouth, but it was the only one that even began to encompass what he felt.</p><p>Soon the shaking in Castiel’s hands spread up his arms and his shoulders, he shifted back, practically under the table, and leaned against it, trying to find support.  His lips whispered silent prayers, the ones drilled into him and brought forward by the memory of things he longed to forget.</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his knees up to his chest. “Father, I fervently pray again to be washed, be sanctified, and be justified.”</p><p>Dean’s eyes flew open, his concern turning to fear as Castiel spoke, the words coming from his mouth the stuff of horror movies.</p><p>“I pray for the strength to not suffer the punishment of Sodom and Gomorrah.”</p><p>Tears fell from Castiel’s eyes but he didn’t wipe them away, transported into a time when these words were not yet branded on his soul.</p><p>“Breath of God, breathe purity into me.”</p><p>“Cas?” Dean tried, but even though the other man opened his eyes he could no longer see him.</p><p>“Help me avoid any penalty for my perversion.”</p><p>A sob broke from Castiel’s chest and he curled tighter in on himself, his tears cracking through the dam of self-preservation he had constructed.</p><p>“Bind Satan from deceiving me into thinking I am not really sinning.” </p><p>“Cas, please look at me.” Dean pleaded.</p><p>“Give me hope.”</p><p>Castiel’s voice broke on the last word and he crumbled into the floor, limp except for the shaking of his shoulders as he sobbed.</p><p>Dean didn’t dare reach forward.  His instinct was to console, to touch, and soothe away all this horrible pain.  But the burn marks scared him.  The story untold was one that lingered in the back of his mind like a boogeyman, but that he’d never had to look at, never before seen the result of.  Someone did this to Cas.  Someone hurt him, more than just a burn, enough to reduce him back to this version of himself by a mere touch.</p><p>So he did the only thing he could think of.  He stood slowly, moving quietly and purposefully, the way you would around a frightened animal in the woods.  He hated to leave Cas’s sight so he darted into his room quickly and returned with a King Size sheet.  WIth Cas lying practically under the table, it was easy to drape it over top and pull out the chairs to create a proper sheet tent.</p><p>Once constructed, he slid inside, sitting as far from Cas as he could while still under the sheet.</p><p>“Remember you told me your sister and you would do this?” he whispered to an unresponsive Cas.</p><p>“You’re safe now.  The things we whisper under the sheet can’t hurt you.  If you want.  If not, I’ll just sit here with you until you’re ready to get out.” Dean leaned his elbows on his thighs and stared at the top of Castiel’s head.  </p><p>In the time they sat, Dean noticed a lot of little things he’d overlooked before.  Cas’s hair wasn’t as dark as it appeared, it was actually a dark brown with a lot of other colors blended in, black, red, blonde streaks, and even some silver.  It was because of his shocking blue eyes that his hair took on such a stark contrast.  His shoulders weren’t broad like Dean’s, but they were strong, solid.  There was very little meat on him, he was all hard muscle.  In fact, it occurred to him that Cas had lost some weight. </p><p>When was the last time they’d eaten together?  He was always grabbing something out or having food at the church.  Dean worried.  Was Cas starving himself?  That was one of the most common things he’d heard about people who’d suffered abuse like this.  Not that Cas had told him for sure what happened but the broad strokes felt clear.</p><p>After a while, when Castiel’s breathing started to even out Dean spoke softly, “Do you want to talk?”</p><p>Silence spread between them.  Dean knew that even if Cas wanted to he probably didn’t know how to talk about what had happened.</p><p>“Dean, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for, Cas.  I ain’t mad at you.”</p><p>“This isn’t your problem.  I… I should just go to my room.”  </p><p>Castiel didn’t move.</p><p>“You know, my Dad was not very happy about me being like I am.” Dean started, not really knowing where he was going, but hoping that maybe opening the door would convince Cas to at least consider sticking his head out. “The first time he saw me kissing a guy, whew, I got the shit kicked out of me.  I was black and blue for weeks, broke my nose, and fucked up my knuckles when I tried to fight back. My dad was tough, ex-marine, hard like a rock. The second time, I got kicked out of the house.  He took Sam and drove off to another town, leaving me behind. I had no idea how to find him.  He didn’t come back for me for two months that time.”</p><p>Cas sniffed.</p><p>“Those weren’t the only times my dad was a bastard, but they were the worst.  Mostly I did whatever I had to to make sure he stayed focused on me and left Sammy alone.  I tried to set that part of me aside, just not make a big deal of it.  I dated the prettiest girls in whatever school we were going to and my Dad would slip me a box of condoms before a date like he was so proud.  I had a few guys I liked, but I made sure to never bring it home or really do anything about it.  When my Dad left us here, it was the first time I ever got to even try to be myself without someone beating it out of me.”</p><p>“What about Bobby?”</p><p>Castiel’s voice was soft but Dean was so relieved to hear it he let out a deep sigh.</p><p>“Bobby didn’t care.  You’ll meet him one of the days. He and Jody like to have us out for dinner every month or so, next time you should come.  He’d get a big kick out of you.”</p><p>“Why?  I’m a disaster.”</p><p>“Cas, you’re the single most amazing creature I’ve ever met.  And that includes Garth.”</p><p>Castiel snorted.</p><p>“But Bobby will like you for the same reason I think you’ll like him.  He’s redneck hillbilly all the way.  Drove tractor-trailers for a dozen years or so and then opened up the garage.  But that’s only one side of him.  What you wouldn’t know is he’s fluent in like five languages, including Latin and greek.  He’s got stacks of books all over the house, driving Jody insane, on all kinds of esoteric cultural and anthropological topics.  Books that he’s probably the only person to ever read.  He can also strip down and rebuild a shotgun faster than any person I’ve ever met.”</p><p>Cas slowly unfurled and was soon lying with his head near Dean, his eyes closed.</p><p>“Bobby would love to have someone around who might be as smart as him.  I don’t come anywhere close.”</p><p>“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”</p><p>“Hmm… smart enough to know you’ll only talk about me but not about you.”</p><p>When Castiel let out a little chuckle, Dean took a risk and reached out, sliding his fingers softly through his hair.  His body tensed, and for a moment Dean thought he might actually run, but then he surrendered, even moving slightly closer.</p><p>“It was your family?” Dean whispered.</p><p>“Mmmhmmm.”</p><p>“Did they catch you with someone?” </p><p>Castiel laughed, a caustic, bitter laugh, the idea so absurd it shocked through his trauma. “Dean, I didn’t even kiss anyone until I was in college, and including you, that adds up to a total of three people.”</p><p>“Oh, so you’re admitting that you kissed me now?” Dean chuckled and kept his hands moving languidly through Castiel’s thick hair. “So what was it?”</p><p>“Nothing.  It was nothing.  Sometimes who a person is, is so ingrained in their being it doesn’t require any action at all to be true.  I simply was, and the person I was, the person I am, is an abomination.”</p><p>“So they burned you?”</p><p>“Not at first.  There were... other things.”</p><p>“Will you tell me about them?”</p><p>Castiel shook his head. “Not right now, maybe someday, in another sheet tent.” A faint smile glanced across his face, highlighting just how handsome Dean found him.</p><p>“Cas, have you been eating?” Dean ran his fingers down the other man’s face, feeling the sharpness of his cheekbone and the strong jawline jutting out more than it should.</p><p>“Not enough,” he admitted, closing his eyes.</p><p>“A punishment?”</p><p>Castiel nodded and gathered another sniff.</p><p>“Because of me?”</p><p>“No Dean, no, don’t take this on yourself.  Don’t.  Please.”</p><p>“But I’ve been pushing you, I know I have, and I’m sorry.  I don’t want to see you in any pain.” He pulled back his hand and was shocked when Castiel wrapped a strong grip around his wrist.</p><p>“Please don’t stop.  Please don’t leave me.  Even if it’s just for these few moments.  Please.” Desperate blue eyes sought out Dean’s gaze, the agony of hope so painful to see.</p><p>“Will you eat?  I can’t bear to know you’re hurting yourself.”</p><p>Castiel closed his eyes.</p><p>“Okay, let’s try this another way.  I’ll stay.  I’ll stay until you tell me to go, but you tell me why you aren’t eating.”</p><p>Another stretch of silence before Castiel loosens his hold on Dean’s wrist and nods.</p><p>“I don’t quite know how to explain it.  When I was younger and I preferred sticking with my mother and Hannah, doing chores and playing with the girls. I wouldn’t get dinner because I hadn’t done my share of the men’s chores.  It became a way to rebel, I accepted not having food as the price of being who I wanted to be. Hunger meant freedom.  But eventually, it would get to be too much, too painful and I’d give in.  Eventually I always gave in. And if I’m thinking about wanting to eat, my mind can’t think about wanting…”</p><p>“Me?” Dean sighed.</p><p>“Sheet Tent Secrets?” Castiel leaned up toward Dean.</p><p>Dean nodded.</p><p>“Yeah, Dean.  You.  I don’t know what to do with these feelings so it was easier to feel pain.  I understand pain.”</p><p>Dean’s entire body wanted to take Cas into his arms, to kiss him and hold him and tell him how amazing he is, but he knew to do that could likely start this whole breakdown over, and he never wanted to see Cas like that again.</p><p>“Please stop this, Cas. You have to eat.  You have to take care of yourself or you’ll get sick.  If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.  I never want to see you hurting.  I will cook you every meal.  I’ll pack you lunch or bring it to the church.  I’ll get you a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunch box from Charlie’s store, just please eat.”</p><p>Castiel chuckled gently and nodded.  “I’ll try.  It's not a healthy way to handle things, I know that.  I know better.  But I felt so out of control, it was easy to slide into bad habits.  I can’t promise anything but I’ll try.”</p><p>Dean exhaled, glad to have at least some things explained.  Cas was sitting up now facing Dean, so Dean carefully slipped his finger’s under Cas’s.  He tensed and looked around them.  A smile danced across his lips before he took Dean's hands in his own.</p><p>“I like the tent.  This was a kind thing to do.”</p><p>“I’m surprised to admit it, but it totally works.  I feel like we’re separate from the rest of the world in here.”</p><p>“That was the idea.  You would like Hannah, she’s very intuitive, like you.”</p><p>“I don’t know about that.”</p><p>“Yes, Dean.  You can read people, you can manage groups of people with all kinds of personalities.  You understand things without being told.”</p><p>“There’s one thing I don’t understand.”</p><p>“What’s that?” Cas looked nervous.</p><p>“How has a catch like you only been kissed three times.”</p><p>Castiel blushed fiercely, the heat of it filling the small space.</p><p>“Tell me about them.”</p><p>“No, it’s your turn.  You tell me something first.”</p><p>Dean shrugged. “What do you want to know?”</p><p>Hmmm, Cas tilted his head to the side and Dean noticed how his shoulders had fallen and the pain in his eyes had diminished.  Whatever Cas wanted to know, Dean would tell him.  He’d sing fucking dixie if it kept that terrifying detached look from ever returning.</p><p>“How did your mother die?”</p><p>“Oh!” Dean exhaled. “I wasn’t expecting that one.  Usually, everyone avoids the topic of my mom.”  </p><p>“I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk about it…”</p><p>“No, it’s actually, it’s strangely nice to have it come up.  She usually only gets talked about for sad things, but she was a really happy person.” He took a deep breath and continued.  “She was shot.  Someone broke into our house and was going through Sam’s nursery, it was a small house so it doubled as the office, they probably didn’t even know he was in there, and she heard something and interrupted them.  My Dad was passed out drunk on the couch.  I heard it all and hid under my bed. When they left, I grabbed Sammy and ran to the neighbors.  They called 911.”</p><p>“How old were you?”</p><p>“Four… almost five.  And about 6 months later we hit the road.  Sam was one.  I changed diapers and fed him and taught him how to walk.  His first word was damn, which I convinced Dad was his version of baby talk for Daddy.  That was pretty funny.” Dean chuckled, remembering all the other swear words he taught baby Sam.</p><p>“You’re terrible.”</p><p>“You’re laughing.” Dean beamed at Cas and they sat that way, holding hands for a while.  The sun started to set outside as they told innocent stories of happy times.  Dean did most of the talking, but Castiel chimed in with the occasional story about a prank his brothers played or something Hannah did.</p><p>“How many brothers do you have?” Dean asked, stroking Cas’s hands with his thumbs.</p><p>“Too many,” Castiel rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Ok, from your stories I’ve counted 1 sister, Hannah.”</p><p>“Right”</p><p>“And then there’s Uriel, Inias, Enoch, Benjamin and Akobel”</p><p>“That’s them.  There’s 7 of us total.  When our father left to try and preach and bring people to his faith, I was two.  I don’t even remember what he looked like.  Our uncle Ishram stepped in, taking over parenting us, and took care of my mother.  They never married, but he was the only real father I ever knew.”</p><p>“And you are the baby?”</p><p>Cas laughed, “Of the boys, Hanna is the youngest.  So I was the baby, the disappointment, the disgrace, the betrayer.”</p><p>“So it was Ishram who did this to you?”</p><p>Castiel looked Dean deep in the eyes, searching the depths for danger before speaking.  “Dean, you still don’t understand.  It wasn’t one person, it was all of them, my family, my brothers, my mother, the minister, the whole congregation.  What happened to me wasn’t private.  It was a public shame.”</p><p>“I…” Dean clutched Cas’s hands until he worried he might hurt him.  “Cas…” he let go of the strong hands and leaned forward, pulling his friend into an awkward sitting hug but he didn’t let go, he wanted to never let go.</p><p>“Dean?”</p><p>“Sorry, Cas.” he sniffed, wiping away a tear of his own as he released Castiel.  “How about some dinner?  I have left over spaghetti and meatballs we can heat up easy.  You eat what you can, I won’t nag you, I know it takes time to start again.”</p><p>“Thank you, I still don’t understand why you are so kind to me.”</p><p>“Well, maybe we can explore that the next time we have a sheet tent.” Dean crawled out and held a flap open for Castiel to follow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. I’d Give My Life So This Tree Can Grow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean can't do a handstand and Cas whispers secrets in a sheet tent</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>By the middle of June, Castiel had settled into life in Sioux Falls.  He had what appeared to be two successful programs up and running with new people joining each week.  Michael was not overly impressed with his approach but the results couldn’t be denied.  For a small downtown congregation, they were thriving.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Duma was a huge help, to bounce ideas off and generally spent time with.  He enjoyed his time with her and they often had dinner together after she was done with work.  It was wonderful to have a colleague who was also a friend.  Their beliefs seemed to be in line, although she strayed into more conservative territory than he did when it came to the importance of obedience.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He and Dean had even found a comfortable rhythm to life together.  Castiel kept a schedule that meant working out of the house most of the time, able to keep his balance easier that way, but dinners together, and the lunches Dean now left for Cas in a paper bag next to his computer in the mornings melted his heart.  The simplicity of dinners together and either watching TV or listening to music on the porch was the kind of life Castiel had always hoped to have and never imagined finding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes their fingers would find each other and movie night still flitted the line between simple touch and temptation, but Dean didn’t push, didn’t ask for more.  It was Castiel who leaned into the hand on his shoulder, who pressed his side against the larger man’s body in a hope to feel what it might be like to be held.  It was unfair of him, teasing this way, but he couldn’t help it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The time had finally come for him to prepare his first sermon, a part of his requirements from seminary, and he was at a loss as to what to focus on.  He needed to send in a copy of his sermon to his advisor soon and it was painful to spend so many hours staring at a blank page.  Walking the line between Michael’s growing conservatism and his own beliefs was becoming more difficult, but he was reliant on the man’s recommendation at the end of this term.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sat at the kitchen table, laptop open in front of him, Garth’s head lying in his lap.  Castiel scratched at his ears distractedly, the hound occasionally nudging his hand with his nose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry buddy, I’m just having a little trouble getting going today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you should talk about the State of Israel.  I find that’s always safe territory in religious settings.” Dean set down another mug of coffee next to the laptop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your help is the opposite of actual help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about the homoeroticism in Song of Psalms.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you actually trying to get me to throw my coffee at you?” Castiel glared, but couldn’t keep the smile off his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean opened his mouth to offer another unhelpful suggestion when the sound of tires on gravel drew their attention. “You expecting company?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not that I know of.”  Castiel glanced at the clock, it was 11 AM on a Thursday, not exactly prime visiting hours.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean opened the coat closet and dug out his shotgun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That feels like an over-reaction,” Castiel frowned, going for the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t lived out here as long as I have, Cas.  Not everyone is as nice as you’d like to believe.” Dean reached out to hold him back but Castiel was lithe and quick.  He skirted Dean’s reach and opened the door to find Duma climbing out of her car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel!  I came as soon as I heard!  I’m so excited!”  She ran toward him and wrapped both arms around his neck in a full-body hug.  She pulled herself against him and buried her face in his neck while he patted her on the back, sneaking a look at Dean with a raised eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma, what’s going on?” He pried her off of him under the guise of looking her in the eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you haven’t heard?  I would have expected Michael to call you.” She frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come in, come sit, and tell me.  Do you want coffee?” Castiel took her by the hand easily, noting the hard frown on Dean’s face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop</span>
  </em>
  <span> he mouthed before leading her to the couch.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Castiel got another cup of coffee for Duma and retrieved his own, Dean stashed the gun away and whistled for Garth to come back in from wherever he’d run off to.  Some guard dog.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s the grant.  You got the funding for your housing initiative!” Duma wrapped both delicate hands around her mug but didn’t drink anything, too excited to stop talking. “There are some provisions we have to go over and agree to like curfews and stuff, but you got the money.  A full year’s funding.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my God.” Castiel sat down, his eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up?” Dean asked.  “You didn’t tell me about a grant.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not unusual for roommates to not share every aspect of their lives, Dean.” Duma scowled.  Dean could almost hear her wishing he’d go away and leave her alone with Cas, but he wasn’t about to be run out of his own home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, it… It was a surprise.  I didn’t think it would happen.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel put together the most amazing proposal to send into a number of organizations offering funding for youth aid.  There’s an old rectory that Michael doesn’t live in and the minister before this didn’t live in, which if we fix it up we can turn into boarding rooms with a communal kitchen and living space.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean looked at Cas, eyes wide. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel continued, “It’ll be specifically for kids 18-22 to help them get a start in life once they’ve aged out of other programs.  Someplace they can feel safe and not worry about where they’ll sleep that night.  Right now I think we can house 4-6 people.  It needs a lot of work though.” He looked at Dean sheepishly, “I thought maybe you’d come take a look, see what we needed to do to make it nice?  We’d pay you of course, especially now that we have the funding secured.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas…” Dean breathed, looking deep into the blue eyes that always seemed to elude him these days, but now, the dark-haired man looked back at him with a gentle smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For kids who don’t have a Bobby,” Castiel said.  Heat flushed up his cheeks but he took a long sip of the hot coffee to give him something to do, to avoid looking at the man who he wanted to give the whole world to, but for now, could only offer this small gesture.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is amazing,” Dean exclaimed, his face lit up and his eyes full of energy.  Castiel could practically see him drawing up plans in his mind. “When can we go?  Could we go now or tomorrow?  When do you want to get started?  Do you have a copy of the original plans or engineer drawings?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel laughed and reached out to pat Dean on the knee, completely forgetting about Duma. “I have to secure the funding still, sometimes these things end up going nowhere because of some stupid caveat, so give me a few days to deal with that and get Michael’s final stamp of approval and then we’ll go over as soon as we can.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean covered Castiel’s hand with his own. “Really, man.  I’m so blown away by this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stared at each other for a little too long, before Duma set her mug down and shifted on the couch. “I just wanted to make sure you knew,” she looked down and away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel removed his hand from Dean’s touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma, thank you.  You helped write all of the proposals and helped me organize everything.  This would have never happened without you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, Duma.  This is great.  I didn’t realize you did this kind of thing.” Dean added.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t, until Castiel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He does have that effect on people,” Dean smiled fondly at Cas, unable to hide his affection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So Dean, how have you been?  I haven’t seen you around much,” Duma asked casually, crossing her legs and scooting slightly closer to Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you know, been busy between here and the garage.  Not much else in the works, not that I mind a slower summer.” Dean smiled, still distracted by Cas’s kindness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I ran into Lisa last week,” Duma tossed out in the room casually, like a grenade.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?” Dean slowly turned, narrowing his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s really enjoying living closer to Minneapolis, you know she’s got this really cute place right on one of the lakes west of the city.” Duma kept talking, her mannerisms so casual you’d never think she knew exactly what she was doing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who is Lisa?” Castiel asked, innocently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He doesn’t know about your ex-wife?” Duma raised an eyebrow with a crooked smile. When she turned to Castiel her face smoothed out to show nothing but concern. “Such a shame, barely even lasted a year.”  She shook her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yes, I know about that.  Just didn’t know the name.” Cas offered, throwing a soft look toward Dean, but the other man’s eyes wouldn’t meet his and his hands were in fists in his lap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was so great to see her,” Duma sighed.  “Last time I talked to her she wasn’t even remarried, and now she has a baby!  Amazing how time flies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stood up and gathered the coffee mugs with a grunt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma, I don’t think Dean wishes to discuss this topic right now,” Castiel whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, no, I’m sure it’s fine.  I mean, it was what you wanted, right Dean?  If anything you should be happy for her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am,” Dean leaned against the counter and stared over at Duma and Castiel.  “She deserves a great life.  Thanks for letting me know she had the baby, I owe her a call anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Duma’s face fell for a second before the smile returned. “You two still talk?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes.  But last time we talked she was only like 4 or 5 months along.  I’m sure she’s busy with a new baby.  I’ll send her something.  Thanks for letting me know, Duma.” Dean grit out a smile. “I think maybe it’s a good time for you to go though.  I need to get some things done and Cas was just working on his sermon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” She glanced at Castiel with expectant eyes but he just smiled kindly. “Right, great.  I’ll see you tomorrow then.”  She stood and when Castiel held open the door for her, she leaned up against him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’m so proud of you.” She cooed, flashing a wide smile, and headed out to her car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the door finally pulled away, Dean collapsed on the couch. “I was not prepared for that this morning.” He put his feet up on the coffee table and threw an arm over his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel came and sat close up against him, not sure what to do with his hands. “I’ve never seen her like that before.  She’s always so positive.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Until she’s possessive.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Possessive?” Castiel cocked his head to the left and Dean looked out from under his arm and laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t decide if you’re really as innocent as you seem or if you do that on purpose.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, Duma’s totally into you, like jump your bones and make a gaggle of babies with unpronounceable angel names with you.” Dean laughed but it didn’t sound like he found it all that funny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, that’s not…” Castiel stopped, thinking about all the time they spent together, the innocent hand-holding, the dinners out. “Oh my.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you just figure it out?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I think I might have a girlfriend.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughed so hard he had to pull his legs off the table so he could fold in half.  Tears streamed down his face and the little muscles on the sides of his stomach burned.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop laughing, this is serious.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“More serious than you knew, Cas-anova.” Dean laughed again at his own joke slapping Castiel’s thigh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do I do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The look of abject horror on Castiel’s face stopped Dean’s laughter. “Buddy, just be honest with her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now it was Castiel’s turn to laugh, but there was zero humor in it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a few moments, each lost in thought about women they weren’t planning on having to confront their feelings for that day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So Lisa was your wife?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nodded.  He got up and dug in the trunk under the front window and pulled out a picture of them.  He had his arm draped over her shoulder easily.  A young fresh-faced Dean was smiling at the camera and Lisa looked up at him with unabashed adoration.  They looked happy.  It made Castiel’s chest ache a little, but there was something in Dean’s eyes that made him uncomfortable.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You said you loved her,” Castiel stated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did.  As much as I could, I did.  But it wasn’t enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Were you, I mean, did you have someone else you were seeing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean did I fuck around with men while I was married?” Dean gave Castiel a hard look.  “Despite that being what everyone thinks, no.  I’m not a fucking cheater.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Dean, it’s just a common scenario.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know, but I would never do that to her.  But I drank a lot.  And I did just about everything I could to be anywhere but home.  I wasn’t good to her.  I wish I had been.  No, I… I wish I could have been, but it just wasn’t in me.  We were too young and I wasn’t being honest with myself about what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>needed.  We fought all the time.  She would get so mad, she’d hit me and throw things at me, anything to get me to fight for her or to prove that I really was an asshole so she could leave, but I just stood there and took it.  I thought I was being a good man, but I was really just a coward.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel ran his fingers along Dean’s thigh, soft, comforting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then you’re the perfect person to tell me what to do about Duma so I don’t end up married too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean chuckled and looked into Cas’s blue eyes, marveling at how they changed color depending on the man’s emotions.  How were they so stormy blue, almost grey now, whereas earlier when it was just them joking around, they had been bright like the afternoon sky?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This feels like dangerous ground.  Do we need a sheet tent?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shook his head with a smile, gripping Dean’s leg more firmly. “No, I’m okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then you just tell her you aren’t interested.  That you really care about her but can’t be more than her friend.  That you’re sorry if you sent out mixed signal but it was just that you really do like spending time with her and you should have been more upfront”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because as much as I like Duma, and other than her little display here today, I do, I could never love her enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel leaned in and pressed his lips to a shocked still Dean’s lips.  The curtains were open.  It was the light of day, and Castiel had decided not to be afraid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas?” Dean questioned into Castiel’s lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel ran his tongue along them in response pulling a shaky breath from Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean pulled back and stood up, his face flushed and his breath coming harsh.  Castiel could see the hardness pushing against the denim of his jeans and all he wanted to do was run his fingers along its length.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, we… We’ve been here before.  You can’t keep fucking with me.” Dean ran his hands through his hair and began to pace.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not what I’m doing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I believe you that it’s not what you’re doing on purpose, but the effect on me.  Fuck Cas,” he turned and looked at the other man with eyes so black it was hard to believe he had any control over himself. “I’m doing everything I can to be your friend, to be supportive through whatever you need to go through because you need the time and safety to do that.  I want to be there for you, but when you do shit like that, man.  I can barely hold onto my sanity.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Dean. I… I know I’m a mess and a lot to deal with.” Castiel stood up, unsure if he should retreat to his room or try to continue the conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not what I mean.” Dean walked over to Castiel and gripped his shoulders tight, simultaneously holding him in place and fighting to pull him closer.  The war within Dean’s heart threatened to crash over him.  “What I mean is, I’m not as good as you, and if we start again and then you pull away, I might lose my mind. And I don’t want to see you hurt.  I can’t bear the thought of what you’ve been through and that somehow I might make you relive that.  I care about you more than I should, more than feels safe, but I can’t stop, and I don’t want to stop and I’m afraid that if I hope for more my heart’s going to get broken.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel frowned and pulled one of Dean’s hands from where it rested against his arm. He pulled it up to his lips and pressed a firm kiss into his palm. “You’re afraid I will hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand.” Castiel backed away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not...  It’s not that I think you’d want to or would do anything to purposefully hurt me, but, you gotta admit Cas, you’re 10-pounds of messed up in a 3-pound box, and when that blows up I’m straight-up terrified that it’ll rip us both apart.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and dropped Dean’s hands. “I don’t know that anyone ever completely climbs out of where I’ve been.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nods sadly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel put his hands on the sides of Dean’s face, “But I want to try.  I don’t know how to make this easier, and you’re right, I can’t make you any promises.  But I want to try.”   Castiel looks deeply into Dean's eyes bringing his lips up to the bated breath of the other man.  A simple straightforward kiss, full of unsaid promises and possibilities is over too soon, but lingers between them and can never be taken back.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. A Good Day is One Without An Ache In My Brain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel shows his love and faith in action<br/>Duma's a twat<br/>And Dean is reasonably scared about getting too involved with Cas.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: There is a discussion in this chapter of a gay exorcism.  If you haven't heard of this before DO NOT google it.  It's as awful as it sounds and is a real thing.  I've done the research so you don't have to.  What happened to Cas is not discussed in great detail or with a lot of emotion, nor is it the most extreme case I've read about, but I wanted you to know it was in here.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Friday morning, Castiel woke with the sun, the breeze coming in his window cool and refreshing.  It felt like rebirth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled on his cotton pants and went without the usual long sleeve shirt for his morning yoga.  If he’s going to be brave, he had to make a big gesture.  If he wanted Dean to try and take a risk on him, he had to admit the risk he was taking.  Because a kiss wasn’t just a kiss anymore, he had to face what he knows he has always been, who he has always been.  There was pain intrinsically linked to that for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But what if there could be joy too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were people he’d made promises to before and people he still tried to do the best he could for, but it never felt like enough.  He did what he knew was right, but never what scared him.  He repressed, he sacrificed, but he never changed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stepped out of his room, walking with his shoulders back and grabbing his yoga mat to do his stretching outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He settled in, spreading his mat out, and began a comfortable stretch, rotating his shoulders, twisting his core, rocking his hips.  He stood, placed the flats of his palms on the ground, and rolled his back up, pulling his arms above him and then lowering them into prayer position before him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Top of the mornin’ to ya!” Dean called with a silly accent, opening the door, letting Garth out to run around the yard.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel could hear the moment Dean realized what he saw.  It was like he could feel the other man’s eyes roving over the scarred lines on his back, the burn marks that dripped from his shoulder, down his arm, back, and along the right side of his chest and stomach.  But Dean didn’t gasp or swear.  He didn’t yell or demand to know the story of what happened.  Instead, he stepped forward and placed a kiss on Cas’s unmarked shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make the coffee,” he said against his skin, breath sweet and light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be there in a minute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take your time.”  Dean stood and watched as Cas resumed his practice, sliding into downward dog and lifting himself through a sturdy plank and up into upward dog.  Cas pulled his leg forward and settled into pigeon pose as the door closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He breathed through his fear, pulling in the morning air and filling his lungs with hope, exhaling the demons that had held him back this long.  He refused to let the blackness creep in and keep him from being the person he wanted to be, from nurturing the relationships and the people he loved.  He would do better.  He promised himself that today he would text Hannah on the burner he’d gotten her, so she knew it was okay to call and start to make arrangements.  It was time for things to change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside, Castiel found Dean sitting on the couch; coffee held between two hands as he let the steam rise into his face.  He nodded at Castiel’s mug and smiled up at the now sweating man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped himself down with his towel before taking his own mug and sitting on the other end of the couch, earning an eyebrow raise from Dean.  Castiel chuckled and scooted closer, pulling his legs up to sit cross-legged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I thought tattoos were forbidden,” Dean said into his coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel looked at him, eyes wide, and then burst into laughter.  It was probably the freest laugh he’d ever let escape his lips. One of pure surprise and delight.  He’d spent all morning confronting his worst fears, imagining the way Dean would recoil from the horror of how his body had been disfigured, the way he would crumble underneath the shame of who he was.  But no.  Dean, as usual, managed to do the one thing that was both completely unexpected and desperately needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are. I got it after I left for Seminary.  No one in my family has ever seen it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re dirty little secret, then,” Dean winked and Cas laughed again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it say?”</span>
</p><p><span>Cas stood and let Dean look at the delicate script that ran in three lines over his left lower ribs: </span><em><span>Beloved, let us love one another, </span></em><em><span><br/></span></em><em><span>because love is from God; </span></em><em><span><br/></span></em><em><span>everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. </span></em><em><span><br/></span></em> <em></em><span>1 John 4:7-8</span></p><p>
  <span>Dean reached out but looked at Castiel for permission before touching.  When Cas nodded, he ran his finger over the words, a delicate, reverent touch.  He read them aloud and smiled. “You escaped a religious cult to study religion and then have a bible verse tattooed on your body?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel shrugged. “They took everything else from me.  I wouldn’t let them take God.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, and then his eyes traced over the burn running down his right side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you tell me?” His voice was gentle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Without a sheet tent?” Cas smiled and sat down, pulling himself up on the couch so he could look at Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will cover the whole room in sheets if that’s what you need.” Dean’s smile was sincere but sad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy Oil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was anointed with holy oil, to drive the demon out of me.  My family, my church, believes that homosexuality isn’t just a sin.  It’s a demon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They performed an exorcism to try and make you straight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and set down his coffee before holding out his forearms. The scars there were different, deeper, and more haphazard. “First, they tried to cleanse me from the outside.  Scrubbing with metal and sandpaper.  Then they tried to cleanse me from the inside.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Starving you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And…” He looked down, his lashes covering the blue of his eyes. “I’d rather skip this one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Dean’s hand fluttered over Castiel’s knee and finally landed in a gentle butterfly touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then they beat me.  Well, they beat me all along, but my back, that was extraordinary.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean how many lashes or how many days?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s hand gripped Cas’s knee tight. “Fuck, man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And when nothing worked, they baptized me in Holy Oil.  It was only Ishram’s vanity that kept them from pouring it over my head.  He didn’t want to look at me with scars on my face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean lifted his hand and placed two fingers on the sharp bone of Castiel’s shoulder.  “They poured oil on you and lit you on fire?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm,” Cas couldn’t look at him, his heart full of too many emotions to process them all at once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean traced his fingers down the other man’s arm, to the hard skin that pooled at the inside of his elbow before disappearing down a strong forearm.  He reached up again, and Castiel’s breath stuttered, his eyes flickering closed.  Dean traced the edge of the burn, the thickened sensitive skin, down Castiel’s chest, across his stomach, stopping only when he reached the waistband of Cas’s pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How far does it go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just down my right leg.  My thigh isn’t pretty, but it’s healed well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They could have killed you.” Dean’s voice was gruff and thick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.  In some ways, they did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you get out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I became who they wanted me to be.” He shrugged, remembering the things he’d done, the lives he’d hurt.  “I finally stopped fighting, so they let me go to college, community and then commuter, never out of sight. I followed all the rules and did everything I was told, no matter how humiliating, until I’d proven I could be trusted.  And as soon as I was away, as soon as I was at seminary, I swore I’d never go back.  But--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Dean cut him off, his hands shaking with rage and fear.  “Castiel, you can never go back there.  No matter what.  You can stay here.  You can stay with me as long as you want to.  There is nothing worth going back to a place like that for.  Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked sad and tilted his head. “You may not always mean that, and it may not be an option. I have obligations. I’ll have to see what happens.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll come after you.  I won’t let you go.” Dean’s eyes filled with meaning well beyond his words, pulling on Castiel’s heart. “Look what you’ve done already.  You’ve only been here two months and you have Michael furious, which I personally find hysterical, you’re preaching love, you’re making a life, you’re starting programs, and opening a half-way house…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mary’s House.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Dean stops moving.  He stops breathing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you and Sam are okay with it.  I’d like to call the new rectory program </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mary’s House</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  Mother Mary would have appreciated the reference, us taking in those who have nowhere else to go, shelter in the storm if you will, and I think your mother would too.  I’m sure she is eternally grateful for what Bobby did for you.  The parallel is so clear to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears gathered in Dean’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if it makes you uncomfortable…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean cuts him off with an awkward, fumbling kiss.  They are all elbows and knees, in no position to really explore each other, but it's not that kind of kiss.  Its sweetness is all the more real for it.  Castiel can taste salt on Dean’s lips.  Dean grips Castiel’s face, pressing firm adoring lips against his, licking at his mouth until they open up and they taste each other again.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's hard to believe it’s been so long since the one passionate kiss he had shared with the beautiful green-eyed man before him.  He tasted so familiar, so right.  His body ached to climb on top of him and push him into the couch below them.  He wanted to lick and taste every part of Dean. He wanted to possess him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he took a breath and pulled back, leaving a panting Dean: lips open, eyes closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, can I ask you a personal question?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As opposed to the impersonal things we’ve discussed so far this morning?” Castiel tilted his head with a fond grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a moment for him to gather his thoughts enough to reply. “Yes, what is it, Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever had sex with a man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel blanched and his body physically curls in on itself. “You aren’t one for euphemisms, are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not about this.  We’ve had enough misunderstandings.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… No.  I was attracted to someone in Seminary but it never progressed beyond a few kisses and stolen gropes in the library.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought.” Dean nodded and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I don’t really know what to do with that.  I mean, I feel like I should be respectful, but you’re also a grown-ass man, so who am I to keep pulling back when you look at me like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like you want me to eat you alive.  Like you want to take me over that coffee table until I can’t speak.” Dean’s eyes flash golden in the morning light and Cas lost all ability to think.  His hands curl into fists and every muscle in his body tightened with want.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still want me?  Even with all this?” He gestured to his scars and Dean’s eyes turned tender.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are the strongest, sexiest, most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Cas.  You took all that and then fucking tattooed your rebellion right on top of it.  So yeah, yeah, I still want you.  I might even want you more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel looked down at his hands. The compliment, the idea of someone like Dean, someone beautiful and smart and confident, thinking he was worth their time, overwhelmed him.  The years of berating ran through his mind.  He was worthless, hideous, a perversion.  Words he’d silenced as much as he could came pouring out into his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled at him still, in the streaming sunlight, his hair pulling out streaks of blonde and red.  He had no idea who Castiel really was. If he did, how could he possibly want him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I’m starving.  Let’s have breakfast and then I have a new commission.  Don and Maggie Stark want a new dining room table and they’ve given me free rein on the budget.” Dean got up as he talked, gesturing for Castiel to follow him into the kitchen. “They showed me some pictures of what they like, inlaid mosaic work, it should be a lot of fun, so I need to spend the day researching and drawing, see if I can put something together they’ll like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine, I still need to work on my sermon and make some more headway on my thesis, and I have Youth Group tonight.” Castiel added, falling into the easy rhythm of mornings with Dean.  Without even realizing it, they had begun planning their days together, who would be home when what they’d do for dinner.  The ease of moving through the kitchen with Dean, dancing around each other with a hand on the small of his back or a touch of an arm, was intimate in the most special kind of ways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Dean stopped pulling things from the fridge and turned to Castiel, “So,” he paused, waiting to catch Cas’s eye, and then pulled his hand up to reach back and grab the back of his neck. “I haven’t taken you to The Roadhouse yet.  Jo’s Mom, Ellen--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--Ellen Hargraves?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you know her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s in my bible study group.  She doesn’t say much but I like her a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, she’ll say a lot at The Roadhouse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel quirked an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like a roadside bar, pool, darts, great greasy burgers and fries.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whiskey?” Cas asked, knowing Dean’s penchant for the drink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As much as you can handle.  So, I was wondering if you’d want to go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, it sounds fun.” Castiel smiled but saw something in Dean’s appearance that made him frown. “Is that not what you’d hoped I’d say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is. I just...  Cas, I’m asking you out on a date.  Not just to check out the local pub.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Cas folded the dishcloth in his hand and set it down on the counter. “I’ve never been asked on a date before.  What should I wear?” He leaned forward to whisper, “What if he doesn’t like me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, fine, no flowers and romance for you,” Dean shoved Castiel out of the way. “Go take a shower. Breakfast will be ready when you’re done.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel leaned in and placed a peck on his cheek. “And yes, I’d love to go on a date with you.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. We Should All Just Smile, Come Clean, and Relax</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel reveals some of his past to Dean<br/>Dean asks Cas on a date</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Shuddup,” Dean says, pulling at the bottom of the vest he has on over his button-up shirt.  He has the top two buttons undone, the sleeves rolled up, and as Charlie has lovingly pointed out, product in his hair.  He set down the little stuffed bee he’d decided to take Cas instead of flowers on the counter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s cute!  When’s the last time you put in an effort to woo someone.  Not that fling with Amara or the Friends-with-Benefits thing you and Benny tried.” Charlie leaned against the counter of her shop so she could see Dean’s full look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was a disaster.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s an understatement.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are the boots too much?” Dean asked, holding a foot out and pulling up his boot cut jeans.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“First of all, cowboy boots on a gay man are </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> too much.  Second of all, no one’s going to get to see the boots if their eyes go past that ass first.  Whew, howdy, let me watch you turn around again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pretended to take off a hat and turned around slowly, shaking his hips slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If I were into guys, I’d totally hit that.” Charlie smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, keep it in your pants, Bradberry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Never, I’m freeballing it over here.” They laugh but quickly, Dean starts to shuffle his feet, nervousness playing at the edge of his confidence.  “Don’t worry so much. He already likes you.  It’s just Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie said that about the man </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> knew.  The quiet, earnest, handsome man who always helped with the dishes after movie night and stopped by the store at least once a week for a new book.  She didn’t know the things Dean did.  She didn’t know how nervous he felt, holding something so precious, something so breakable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop thinking!” Charlie threw the stuffed bee with giant beads for eyes at Dean’s head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m taking this without paying,” he announced, walking out the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hate to see you leave, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>dayyamn</span>
  </em>
  <span> do I love watching you walk away!” Charlie yells after him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean is still laughing when he pulls the Impala up to the back door to the church.  The meeting room doors opened onto the side alley and he wanted to be there when the crowd, such as it was, let out.  Cas had said he had 5-6 kids who came regularly and another handful who rotated in and out.  It was impressive considering how few teens he knew of who went to service other than Claire.  But Cas had something about him, commanding but calm, reassuring but also not afraid to challenge you. He certainly responded to it, and since he was basically a 14 year old at heart, it made sense the kids did too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He still couldn’t believe he was picking someone up from a fucking church, let alone dating the someone who was running it.  He wondered if Michael had any idea about Cas.  Probably not.  He was pretty confident Castiel was into dudes and had been his whole life.  He didn’t get the sense the guy was bi. Otherwise, it would have been easier to hide from his family, which would have sucked but might have saved him some scars.  He couldn’t imagine Cas making being gay a talking point and clearly, Duma hadn’t known, so maybe he’s not out at the church, but that would be risky.  It’s the kind of thing that’s either all or nothing in his experience.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew Cas wasn’t in the closet around him and Charlie and the rest of them. He didn’t mince words or put on any kind of show, but he was reserved.  In public, he’d imagine most people saw him as this kind of unattainable asexual demi-god.  Not the kind of man who kissed him and whose lips haven’t left his thoughts for a minute in well over a month.  And Cas, as slight and sensitive as he was, by no means exuded anything you could call effeminate, especially now that he was filling out, thanks to Dean’s cooking.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Probably what Duma liked about him, Castiel was, in all ways, the perfect man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The light over the exit doors flipped on and Dean climbed out of this driver’s seat, Bee toy still in hand.  The kids mostly walked out to the main street, ignoring the old dude shuffling his feet. But when Claire saw him, she walked right up and Dean thought for half a second she was about to hug him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up, loser?” She punched him in the arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a good solid noogie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god, you are the worst!  Stop it, Dean, cut it out!” she screamed, but when he released her, she shoved him against the car and proceeded to tickle him, which was a declaration of war if anyone had ever made one.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Cas and Duma came outside and locked the doors, he had Claire over his shoulder, slapping her ass, while she held the stuffed bee out of his reach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Duma’s usually sweet voice cut through the night. “Dean Winchester, you put that girl down this instant!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stilled, shocked momentarily before he set her down, holding out his hand for the Bee, which she returned with a quiet “sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Claire, get home to your mother before I tell her what you’re doing out here with men twice your age.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--“I’m not doing anything!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>--“I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>old!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Claire was out of hearing range, Castiel raised an eyebrow at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She punched me!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean you have to act like one,” Castiel chastised with his minister’s voice a smile, and if that didn’t make Dean half hard before they’d even said hello, well, he was in a lot of fucking trouble.  Cas was dressed in dark blue jeans and a black button-up shirt, making him look dark and sexy and like exactly what Dean would order off the menu if such a thing existed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you here?” Duma insisted, walking over to where Dean stood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nice to see you too, Duma,” Dean smirked, leaning against the trunk and putting his hand in his pockets, the other, still playing with the bee. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turned to Castiel for an explanation, clearly thinking she was deserving of one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean’s picking me up,” Castiel offered.  Not quite the truth, but Dean understood his discretion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you aren’t walking me home?” Duma pouted slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma, you don’t live far. You don’t need me to walk you home every week.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, but...” she cast a glance at Dean and came closer to Castiel so she could speak directly to him, “...it was nice.  A thing we did.  I thought it meant.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean could see the cringe on Cas’s face and took pity on the man.  The least he could do was wait in the car while he had this conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, doing everything he could not to watch the conversation unfolding behind him.  He was a miserable failure at this attempt.  Honestly, he wasn’t really attempting at all.  Really he was blatantly staring out his rearview mirror as Cas moved his arms in the closest thing he’s ever seen him do to flailing.  He reached a hand out to Duma and she shrugged him off, pushing his arm away as she leaned in, her face covered by hair as she delivered her last verbal blow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas opened the door to the Impala, threw his bag in the back seat, and gave Dean a defeated look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’d it go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just broke up with my first girlfriend.  How do you think it went?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, man.  Better now than later when you’re married with 2.5 kids, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel’s frown deepened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, she’ll get over it, I mean, I’m sure you’re a wet dream for any nice God-fearing girl, but she’ll find somebody else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I just feel bad.  I didn’t mean to deceive her.  I can see how it seemed that way, though.  The only way to keep her from believing it wasn’t her fault was to tell her the truth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looked up into Dean’s surprised eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never done that before.  Never said it out loud like that to someone who didn’t basically already know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’s it feel?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kind of… awesome,” Cas smiled, and Dean leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, let’s continue with an awesome night out then.” He put the car into reverse and pulled out onto the main street before holding out the stuffed bee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, I said no flowers, but,” Dean looked out of the corner of his eye and waited for Cas to look at him, “I got you this.” He tossed the bee at Cas, laughing as he stumbled to try and catch it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A bee?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  It’s cute, and those big blue eyes?  It reminded me of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love it, Dean.” Cas laughed, tucking it into the seat next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean reached out and took Castiel’s hand, and they drove in the quiet, each with embarrassing grins they wouldn’t ever admit they were capable of.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean parked in the roadhouse parking lot, on the edge where no one else would be parking unless things got crazy busy.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas tilted his head and looked back to the distant front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, you have legs, you can walk, Baby shouldn’t have to get dirty just because you’re lazy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He held Cas’s hand as they approached the door.  Someone stumbled out, and loud music, singing, and yelling boomed into the night air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this okay here?” Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ve been coming here for years.  They all know me.  Plus, Ellen runs the joint.  She doesn’t take shit from anyone.  If someone gives you trouble, she’ll have them out on their ass before you have a chance to blink.  Don’t worry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, am I safe?” the fear in Cas’s eyes tries to break Dean’s heart, but he’s too full of pride.  Proud of the man before him for being so brave.  Proud to have him on his arm.  Proud to be worthy of his time and trust.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are, try to relax, and trust me.  If it’s too much, we’ll leave, I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll try.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean turned and looked at him before smiling.  “Here, loosen up.” He untucked Cas’s shirt and then unbuttoned three buttons on his shirt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, someone might see the…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“First of all, fuck them.  Second of all, you’re sexy as fuck like this.” Dean slid a few fingers over the exposed skin of Cas’s chest.  “Third of all, it’s dark in there. No one will be able to see anything other than skin anyway.  And fourth of all, fuck them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiled slowly, not stopping until it spread across his whole face and lit up his eyes. He takes a slow step forward. “You think I’m sexy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t figured that out yet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean took Castiel’s hand and dragged him toward the door. “You’re gonna be okay.  Come on, stick with me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Inside the Roadhouse was deafening, the Country Rock music blaring, pool balls crashing together, and what felt like a thousand different voices all calling out at the same time.  Dean released Cas’s hand and settled his palm on the small of his back, guiding him smoothly through the crowd.  They slid into a booth across from one another and Dean reached out his hand over the table.  An offer, not a demand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked around, his posture tense.  He took a deep breath, saw that no one was looking at them, or pulling guns or pitchforks out, and forced himself to look into Dean’s calm, patient eyes.  Then he took the proffered hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, how was the Youth Group tonight?” Dean asked, rubbing his thumb along Castiel’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was fun.  They’re a good group of kids.  We started a list of doubts they have but are afraid to ask their parents or Michael.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, you’re diving into the deep end.” Dean laughed and nodded to Benny, who was walking by with a tray full of drinks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yea, it’ll probably make Michael furious.  He wants me to be drilling the ten commandments and wrath of God into them every Friday night, but kids don’t respond to that.  They want to be listened to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe that’s what your thesis should be about,” Dean offered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re all really excited to help work on Mary’s House too.  Apparently, the high schools have some volunteer hours requirements to graduate, so if I can get this to count, they could help out and get credit.  I’d love to see them get involved, you know, built for teens to help teens, really get them to take ownership of doing good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stared, only barely aware of the fact that his mouth was hanging open. “How are you even real?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  No, I just, you know, the more you invest in something, the better you take care of it.” Cas blushed and looked away. “I need them invested, so they take care of it when I leave.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cold air blew through the roadhouse and Dean squeezed Cas’s hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny approached the table and took in the hand holding before offering a wide smile. “Ahh, I see I’ve been replaced then, eh cher? You got your hair all done and wearing your first date digs.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean rolled his eyes and laughed. “Settle down, brother.  Two whiskeys.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want the swill you usually drink or somethin’ suitable for more than removing paint?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s pull out the big guns, something that actually tastes like whiskey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds good.  You got an envie something to mange on, or you just drinkin’ tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, bring us whatever Ellen’s having fun making.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chili cheese fries it is, then.  Just make sure you both eat it, tho, brother. It’s got a touch of the piquant on it. Don’t want no one burnin’ they tongue later.” Benny laughed and knocked on the table before wandering off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel watched Benny’s broad shoulders and confident walk. He replayed his words in his down-home accent.  He was perfect for someone like Dean. The banter simple and easy, the exchange so familiar.  And apparently, they’d dated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can stop worrying,” Dean leaned forward to catch Cas’s eye.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does he speak English?” Castiel avoided Dean’s eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mostly.  He’s cajun, so there’s always something extra thrown in.  You get used to it.  But I don’t think that’s what you were worried about. Unless I’m just flattering myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel released Dean’s hand as Benny returned with their drinks and food. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You boys pass a good time, ya hear?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Benny, do me a favor and sit down with us for a minute.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny shrugged, looking around at the busy bar and deciding that anyone who needed a drink could wait.  He settled in next to Castiel with his arm slung over the back of the bench like they were old friends, forcing him to scoot into the corner. “Ça va?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, here, has had his panties in a twist since you suggested I replaced you.  Could you reassure him that you and I aren’t a thing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny laughed, a belly laugh with his head thrown back. “Aww, no man,” he slapped Cas on the shoulder a little too hard. “We tried, what two, three years ago?  Wasn’t a good fit.  Now we’re better off, brothers, yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Brothers,” Dean smirked, raising a self-satisfied eye at Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t say anything.  This is entirely unnecessary.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, right.  Because I’ve never seen the look of a jealous date before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure you have,” Cas grumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny laughed again and stood up. “Okay, you let me know when you want more to drink. I’m gonna leave before the churchman puts a gris-gris on me or somethin’.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Benny!” Dean called out with a wave as the other man walked away, a little more sway in his step than before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a pause, Dean looked at a well shamed Castiel, “Why didn’t you just ask?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not really my business. I don’t have a right to your whole history.” Cas shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve told you enough that at this point, you should just go ahead and ask instead of pouting like a teenage girl.  It doesn’t suit you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Castiel took a sip of his drink. “So why didn’t the two of you work out?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Most of it was just personality.  We weren’t compatible as more than friends.  Benny… he takes up a lot of personal space and there just wasn’t enough room for both of us, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fundamentally? Benny wasn’t gay enough, and I was always a little too gay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel blew out a breath, thankful for the brain-rattling volume of the music. “How do you just say that?  You just come out and say it, wherever you are.  Doesn’t it…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...scare me?  Yeah, every fucking time.  But I refuse to live like that.  I’ve been through my coming out shit and at the end of it, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span> with who I am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like who you are too.” Cas sent him a gentle smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’d you end things with Duma?” Dean blurted out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel’s brain sloshed around in his head from the whiplash. “What?  What does that have to do with.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stared at him hard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Cas looked at the table and Dean finished his drink in one shot. “You don’t think I really told her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not the whole of it,” Dean said, pain clenching down in his chest.  He swore to himself he’d never be with someone who was in the closet, he promised he wouldn’t do that to himself, but Cas had been through so much, it seemed wrong to push him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually, I did.” Cas looked up at Dean, his mouth moving into an “o.” “I told her she was exactly the kind of woman I’d be honored to be with, to build a life with, if being with a woman was an option for me.  She didn’t like that very much.  I imagine Michael will be calling me tomorrow, but I pretended to be something I’m not once, and… people got hurt.  I’ll never do it again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh,” Dean picked at the chili cheese fries and waved his fingers at Benny to order more whiskey.  “I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t peg you as being so ‘out and proud’.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas chuckled. “You did notice that I didn’t pull away when you held my hand?  I don’t know that I’ll ever be overt about it, but I think maybe that’s me more than the sexual orientation.  I’m not really comfortable with public displays of intimacy.  What I’m not used to is being safe enough to be ‘out.’”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean smiled at the air quotes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas finished his drink and stuffed a mouthful of fries into his mouth before continuing. “You keep underestimating me: with Claire, with the church, with telling Duma the truth.  Why do you keep looking for ways for me to fail?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, Fuck.” Dean took the whiskey Benny was delivering, downed it in one shot and told his friend to just bring the bottle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel waited for Benny to walk away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That wasn’t an answer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I just…” Dean ran a hand over his mouth and then scratched at his bearded cheek. “This is a pretty shitty date so far, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas tilted his head with a soft smile. “It’s pretty par for the course.  Anything else would be strange.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean that every interaction with me is full of uncomfortable topics and accusations?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel just shrugged and stuffed another collection of fries in his mouth.  The spicy chili fire in his mouth but offset the smokey whiskey perfectly.  Cas took a generous sip and topped himself off with the bottle Benny brought them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas?” Dean narrowed his eyes, looking miserable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this like foreplay to you or something?  Being infuriating gets you all hot and bothered?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiled, slow and smooth. “No, but it does seem to be having that effect on you. And it’s a good look. Something I’ll have to remember.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For Christ’s sake, Cas! What?  I can’t tell if we’re flirting or fighting!  Are you mad at me?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel laughed and reached for Dean’s hand. “No, I’m not mad.  I wish you thought better of me, but you don’t know me well enough, and I haven’t given you much reason to do so.  It will just take time.  And we have some time, so I’m enjoying these fries and excellent whiskey.  Maybe if you get me drunk enough, I’ll even play a game of pool.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know how to play pool?” Dean’s lips curled into a smile, relaxing into Cas’s more laissez-faire approach to dating.  He’d never met someone like this before.  Usually, everyone was rushing, rushing into bed, rushing to get married, rushing to buy the house, have the kids, build a retirement portfolio.  Cas just existed, and Dean fell into his blue eyes and let himself float in the now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s the devil’s game, didn’t you know?” Cas winked at him, and Dean laughed, downing the last of the whiskey in his glass and standing up.  “Come on. I’m gonna kick your ass.” He wrapped his arm around him and planted a firm kiss against his cheek, making Cas turn all shades of pink and red Dean had never seen before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re a blusher?  Good to know.” Dean winked and made sure to give Cas a good eyeful of his ass in these jeans as he walked away.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Jump Into The Center and Launch Your Attack</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: Date Night at the Roadhouse</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Once Dean was sober enough to feel safe driving, he and Cas made their way out to Baby, who didn’t have a speck of dirt on her, despite the muddy parking lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a cheater,” Cas insisted, poking Dean in the chest. “You cheat at the pool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do not cheat at pool.” Dean laughed, arm wrapped around Castiel’s waist, hand firm on his sharp hip bone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You kept doing that little dance and sitting on the edge of the table looking at me all big-eyed and licking your lips.  That’s cheating.” Castiel was perhaps still a little drunk.  He leaned against Dean’s chest and slipped his fingers into the armholes of Dean’s vest pulling him closer.  “I like this.  You should wear this more often.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t try to distract me with flattery. I did not cheat.” Dean places a sweet kiss on the corner of Cas’s mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hustled me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fact that I’m extremely good at pool couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me beating you five times in a row, could it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about the fact that you’ve never played before?” Dean opened Cas’s door and shut it behind him just as the other man was coming up with his next protest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dean got in the car, Castiel greeted him with an unexpected kiss.  His wide lips pressed against his own with a soft murmur. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for tonight,” Cas whispered before nuzzling against the soft hair on Dean’s cheek.  It was well past time for him to shave it off for summer, but Cas seemed to like it so much, he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had fun?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did,” Cas kissed him again, this time lingering as he sucked on Dean’s lower lip. Cas brought a hand to Dean’s cheek, raking his nails through his beard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then let’s go home.” Dean started up the Impala and Cas maneuvered himself back into his seat, picking up the stuffed bee to play with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird that we live together.” Castiel blurted out, almost making Dean steer off the road when he turned to look at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just… how does this work?  Do you drop me off and kiss me at the door, drive around the block, and then come home?  Do I invite you in?  You already live there.” He stared down at the toy, playing with its wings and squeezing it nervously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re overthinking this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, my name is Castiel Novak and I overthink things. It’s nice to meet you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laughed and settled into his seat more before reaching over and putting his hand on Cas’s thigh.  He listened to the music playing softly on the stereo and ran his hand up and down the muscular leg beneath his touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I didn’t ruin our date by being a dumbass at the beginning?” he finally asked, still worried about the way he’d acted and not giving Cas the benefit of the doubt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Castiel pulled one leg up under him, letting Dean’s hand drift down to the back of his upper thigh. “What’s your definition of “ruining” a date?” He leaned forward slightly as if that would help him hear better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Umm, when you get out of the car and slam the door and say you never want to see me again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t, we live together.” Cas shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then when you refuse to have dinner with me the next time I ask?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t, you cook all my meals.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeeze, uhh when you tell me you just want to be friends?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, Cas takes Dean’s roaming hand into both of his own.  He can feel the blue eyes boring into the side of his head but he doesn’t look.  Not because he’s driving, but because he’s afraid of what he’ll find. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, I don’t want to just be your friend.” Cas, as usual, he said the thing so simply, so easy.  Just laid it out there bare, taking Dean’s breath away with the raw sincerity of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, would you please focus on driving so I can take you home, invite you in, kiss you at the door, and finally find out what’s supposed to happen at the end of a good date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Fuck,” Dean sped up with a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they got home, Dean hurried to unlock the door and turn on the twinkling lights on the porch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Romantic,” Cas remarked, smiling at the sparkling night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean comes up behind him and wraps his arms around Castiel’s middle, resting his chin on the other man’s shoulder. “Thanks for tonight.  I had a lot of fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even if I’m incredibly difficult.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Strangely, I think because you’re incredibly difficult.” Dean placed a kiss at the bottom of Cas’s neck, moving the shirt collar aside with his nose so he could kiss over toward his shoulder. “I’ve never met anyone like you.  You’re fearless.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel snorts. “That wasn’t a sexy noise, but you’re talking nonsense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not.  You broke up with your girlfriend…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.  Poor Duma.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told her you were gay, you went out with me someplace you’ve never been and held my hand in public, something I know was really hard for you. You stand up to Michael and me and everyone else who gives you shit.  You got away from your family.  You have so many reasons to be angry and bitter, and you aren’t either of those things.  I’m in awe of that, Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kisses a line up Cas’s neck, following the cord of muscle there to the spot right behind his ear.  He places a gentle peck before pulling his earlobe into his mouth.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moan escapes from Cas and he pushes himself back against the strong man holding him gently like something special.  He turns and looks in Dean’s eyes for a moment, taking in the way the other man stares at him and wishes it could always be this way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they kiss, it starts slow, easy, almost innocent.  Sweet licks and pecks, the gentle exploration of tongues as hands stroke each other’s backs and sides.  It lasts forever.  The starlight above them dies out because a millennium has passed in just that kiss alone.  Dean’s hand strokes Castiel’s face and he nibbles his way back down his neck, hands gripping his hips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should go inside,” Cas whispers, reaching into Dean’s hair and pulling back until Dean is looking at him. “Or we could stay out here,” the twinkle in Cas’s eye is wicked and before Dean processes what Cas is doing, he’s backed up against the wall, Cas pressed hard against him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Fuck, sailor.  I wasn’t expecting that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not, nor have I ever been, in the Navy.” Castiel runs his teeth down Dean’s neck before biting gently on the muscle leading over to his shoulder.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grunts as pleasure sparks from the bite straight to his cock.  He’d expected whatever happened tonight to be on Cas’s terms, sure, but he hadn’t expected him to take charge quite so completely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas places his hands on Dean’s shoulders, pushing him back and holding him in place as Cas kisses and sucks every part of him he can get his mouth on while rocking against Dean’s denim-clad erection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s brain is mush as Cas devours him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So much for the innocent choir boy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dean thinks, letting his eyes roll back as Castiel’s hands release him only to reach inside his shirt, desperate to touch his skin.  His fingers are hot and firm against his flesh, and Cas digs his short nails into Dean’s sides with a moan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wear a lot of clothes for the middle of summer,” Cas complains, bringing his lips back to Dean’s for a deep kiss.  He opens his mouth and tastes the beauty before him, pulling and sucking and nibbling on the other man’s tongue and lips.  Cas can’t get enough. Dean tastes like spiced whiskey and sunsets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean runs his hands under Cas’s shirt, not pausing even though he can feel the muscles tense under his touch.  He dives in, Cas’s body may be marred by the abuse he’s suffered but to Dean, he’s nothing but beautiful, the scars only showing how strong and amazing he is.  He pushes the shirt up, encouraging Cas to raise his hands so he can pull it over his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He maneuvers them so Cas is pressed against the wall, the cool night air against Dean’s back.  “You’re gorgeous,” he whispers, kissing the scar at the top of Castiel’s right shoulder.    His fingers dance delicately across his chest and shoulders, coming up to hold his face as Dean kisses him again with reverence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas tenses, but his breathing is steady.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean licks his way down Cas’s neck and arm, trailing the flow of the burn to the inside of his elbow, where he kisses and sucks and nibbles against the thickened skin until Cas is moaning and threading soft fingers through his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes Cas’s hand and brings it to his mouth, staring Cas in the eye as he kisses the tip of each one before sucking it into his mouth, slow and languid and dirty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So fucking hot,” Dean breathes before he spreads his hands out across Castiel’s chest, his touch glancing over nipples and skin and scar, all of it a part of the man before him. He grips the hard muscle beneath, pressing in close so their lips are almost touching. He feels so much more for Cas than he’d thought possible, only a few months together and Dean is falling hard. “Would you like to come inside, Castiel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm, I’m not sure. I have an early morning tomorrow,” Cas teases against Dean’s lips before pressing three sweet kisses against them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean slips his fingers into Cas’s and pulls him inside, leaving the forgotten shirt on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t stop in the living room or make a show of having one more drink. Instead, Dean keeps Cas’s hand loosely in his and walks them back to his room.  He turns to smile at Cas and kicks the door open, stepping backward inside.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This okay?” Dean asks, pulling Cas’s hand up to kiss his knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When are you going to stop asking me that?” Cas answers softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably never.  I can try if you want, but I like knowing that you’re happy that you feel good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s eyes gleam in the dim moonlight coming in from the window. He shakes his head with a smile. “What happened to me being a grown-ass adult.  I may not have been with anyone, but that doesn't mean I didn’t want to, or imagine it, or fantasize while laying in the room just across the hall from you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean gasped and a shiver ran through his whole body, causing him to lean against Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stepped back and unbuttoned his vest, pushing it off his shoulders before pulling Dean’s shirt off, taking his breath away by the strength and surety of Cas’s movement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Dean pants and Cas walks him back, barely touching him but pushing him forward with his fingertips, lips an inch apart until the bed is against the back of his knees.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel leans in and kisses him slowly, taking his time to feel the scruff of his beard against his chin and lick the other man’s lips.  He sucks on his tongue and moves closer until Dean falls back on the bed with Cas on all fours above him.  When Dean tries to kiss him, Cas holds him in place, one hand on his shoulder, the other on his bicep, his head tilted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This okay?” His smile is toothy and wicked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas releases his hold on Dean and proceeds to use his hands and lips to explore every part of the taller man’s neck and chest, the skin of his bare torso rubbing against Dean’s to create a combustible level of need.  When he wraps his lips around Dean’s nipple and extracts a moan from his chest, Cas chuckles darkly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Move up,” he said, lifting off Dean and kicking off his shoes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean lays for a moment, trying to catch his breath, looking at the strong back of the man who was making him lose his mind with barely more than a teenage makeout session.  “Cas, is this…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you ask me if I’m okay, I might punch you,” Castiel said over his shoulder, kneeling on Dean’s bed in just a dark pair of jeans and a hungry, wild look on his face.  His hair was everywhere and the taut strength of his body sends waves of desire through Dean like he’s never felt before.  It’s like his entire body was attuned to Cas; every part of him dying to know what it felt like to belong to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean leaned down and pulled off the cowboy boots and socks before sitting next to Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their lips met and Cas guided him back down, draping himself over half of Dean’s body so their legs are lined up together.  He gasps at the contact, warm flesh against skin, denim against cock.  He’s unable to keep from moving for more friction. He rocks up into Cas’s thigh with need, and they both moan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s eyes flutter closed as he arched up, letting his hips move with abandon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean runs his palms down Cas’s back, feeling the crisscross of scars as he goes.  He slides his hands into the back of Castiel’s jeans, gripping his ass as he bucks up against him, moving together.  He bends his knee, giving Cas even more to press himself against.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moans and whimpers escaped from Castiel’s lips without permission.  He opened his eyes, even though the sensation was overwhelming and his body wanted to close them, lost in just feeling.  But he didn’t want to miss a thing.  He’d waited so long to have this  to be this.  All he wanted to do was wrap himself in Dean, his scent, his touch, his taste.  The look on his face as he rolled his head back, offering his neck to Cas to kiss and chew while they moved together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This okay?” Castiel whispered in Dean’s ear with a low chuckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve made your point,” Dean laughed, bringing his hands up to Cas’s face and pulling him close.  “Will you indulge me in one more thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas cocked his head to the side and rolled off Dean, propping himself on his elbows and gazing down at the worried looking man.  He stroked his chest, light blonde hair curling across his pecs trimmed neatly, giving Cas a thrill to touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One.” Cas smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You promise me; you’ll say so if we do more than you want or something you don’t like.  I don’t want you to just go along with anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still underestimating me.” Cas shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I just don’t want to take advantage.  I know this is new.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas placed his hand over Dean’s mouth and waited for him to nod.  Then, lips teasing Dean’s lower lip, he ran his hand down Dean’s body and slipped inside the front of Dean’s pants, gripping his cock with thick, firm fingers.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean saw sparks and almost arched off the bed, but Cas’s tender kisses kept him in place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas leaned in and whispered in Dean’s ear, “Just because I’ve never done something doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. About how you’d taste. How you’d feel underneath me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s whole body shook and his hips bucked up into Cas’s strong hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I might not be ready to jump all in tonight, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. You’ll wait until I say so, won’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, his body visibly shaking as Cas began to stroke him firm and slow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.  That’s good,” he cooed and slowed his stokes, watching the emotions flickering across Dean’s face, the way his hips bucked when he flicked a finger over the tip of his cock, gathering moisture to slicken his strokes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, I’ve watched you a lot since moving here. You put off a lot of big talk and flirty smiles.  But you take care of everyone else first.  Not just me, I know you load Bobby and Jody’s house up with fresh veggies from the farmer’s market because she can’t go during work hours.  I know you call Sam or Eileen every day. Everyone you care about you take care of, Charlie, Jo, Ellen, you even include Meg in your plans to make sure she's not alone too much. I think what you really want is to have me take care of you for a little while, to make you feel good and safe.  Am I right, Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s lips brushed against Dean’s ear and his hand is giving slow even tugs that have Dean closer to coming than he thought was possible from just a handjob and dirty talk. Well sweet talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, Cas.  You just went from virginal alter boy to fucking dom sex god in 3.2 seconds.”  Dean reached his arms around Cas’s shoulders, squirming for Cas to tighten his grip, or speed up, or fucking something. “And, yeah, you’re absolutely right.  Wherever you’re at, that’s what I want.  I’ll wait.  I just, God, I didn’t think…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you think?” Castiel asked.  When Dean blushed and looked away, he stilled his hand, waiting for the bearded man to turn back to him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hungry eyes looked up and Dean’s hips rocked with a whimper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stroked him with just his fingers, light and tortuous. “What did you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean cried out, gripping Cas’s shoulders and biting his own lip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I stop?” Cas asked, his face serious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, God, no, don’t stop. I… I thought.   I guess I assumed you’d want to be the team catcher, you know.  Being new to this and all, I thought you’d--aggh--I thought you’d want me to take charge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas growled into Dean’s ear, rearranging their position so he could press against Dean’s ass as his arm wrapped around him and stroked his cock. Cas laid kisses against Dean’s shoulder and neck as he replied.  “No, I don’t think I’m a bottom if that’s what you’re alluding to, a catcher.  That’s not how I’ve ever seen myself.  But I’ve never tried.  I’d be open to exploring it someday if that’s what you want, though.” Cas murmured in his ear, Dean’s breath coming faster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here…” Dean flicked open the button of his pants and pushed them and his boxer briefs down to his thighs, exposing his gorgeous ass and cock for Cas to see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Cas fumbled behind him, doing the same thing before pressing his length against the crack of Dean’s ass.  He thrust forward between the cheeks sending his body into sensation overload.  The heat of Dean’s skin enveloped him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hot when you swear,” Dean grabbed Cas’s arms, pulling them around his chest so they were in a tight embrace.  Check to back, cock against ass.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laid there a moment, reveling in the heat of flesh against flesh.  When Cas moved again, he reached down and took hold of Dean’s erection, moving against his ass and stroking him at the same time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I want to try everything,” Dean said through a moan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure something can be arranged,” Cas chuckled before latching onto Dean’s neck and thrusting against the other man, holding him tight against his body, legs trapped in their jeans but struggling to intertwine however they can.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel made a frustrated, strangled sound when Dean pulled away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me.” He leaned forward and opened his bedside drawer, pulling out a small bottle of lube.  After rolling to face Castiel, he poured some on his hand and then gestured for Cas to hold out his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they each had a slicked up hand, Dean reached out and took Cas in his grasp, spreading the lube up and down his length and over the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shuddered, rolling back slighting and closing his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With his other hand, Dean pulled Cas’s wrist, guiding him to his own waiting, hungry cock.  When his fingers wrapped around him, Dean’s hold on Cas faltered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both opened their eyes and Dean wrapped his free arm around Cas’s waist, pulling them together, chest to chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, oh, Dean, I…” mumbled, his hips thrusting up into Dean’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, shhh, this gets better,” Dean mumbled, taking Cas’s lips in his own and kissing him deeply.  While he distracted the other man with one pleasure, he repositioned himself and his hand so he had a hold on both their cocks.  He gripped the base, letting the sensitive flesh slide together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling of Dean’s cock against his sent Cas’s body into overdrive.  He thrust and moaned at the sweet softness of gliding together. “Dean, oh, that’s...” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wrap your hand around us with me, so we’re holding on together,” Dean said against Cas’s damp neck.  He licked him, tasting the salty sweat, before placing open-mouthed kisses against his collar bone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, like that,” Dean groaned, licking and sucking on Cas’s skin.  He moved his hand and Cas followed his lead, stroking them together, hands adding pressure to the mounting ecstasy of their cocks moving together, sliding and pulling and aching for more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take long for Cas to lose himself completely, his legs still tangled in his pants. He kicked them off and threw a leg over Dean’s thigh, using it to pull the man closer.  His movements stuttered, his moans no longer in his control, and he mouthed every part of Dean he could reach.  He rolled forward, pushing Dean down beneath him, thrusting down and against Dean, their hands captured under his weight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He arched back, a full-throated moan bursting from his lips before he looked down at Dean, eyes blown with passion.  When Dean’s hips started to stutter, Cas tightened his grip around them.  He thrust forward, stilling while their hands worked in unison for two, three more strokes, until Cas came with a strangled cry, Dean falling over the cliff right behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas dropped his weight onto Dean for a moment, catching his breath. As soon as his lungs stopped burning, he shifted off of the man below him, releasing their hands.  He wanted to touch him, tell him how amazing this had been, but when he went to reach for Dean’s face, he caught sight of the mess on his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right back,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss Dean on the temple, then the lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmmhmmm,” Dean sighed, his eyes drooping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stepped out into the hall, completely naked, and rummaged through the linen closet for a towel and two washcloths.  In the bathroom, he ran the water in the sink until it was warm and wiped himself clean with one, throwing it in the hamper, and then wet the other, carrying it with the towel back to Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You came back,” Dean smiled, leaning against the headboard, having finally taken off his pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel smiled and settled next to Dean on the bed.  He reached out and gently wiped Dean’s chest and stomach before cleaning off the lube and cum on and around his cock.  He gently wiped the man’s thighs and then each of his hands before using the towel to dry him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked up, wonder and something warm and soft taking root in his chest. “Mmm, that’s nice.  Will you stay in here tonight?” He asked, pulling back the rumpled covers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas crawled in, curling up on Dean’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean breathed in the scent of Cas’s hair and sweat before placing a sweet kiss on Cas’s head.  He laid back on his pillow, running his fingers through Cas’s dark hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This okay?” Cas teased as he wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and snuggled closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up,” Dean let out an affectionate laugh. Before closing his eyes and running his nose through Cas’s hair one more time.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Do You Feel Like I Feel? How Fierce It Could Be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Datenight Sexytimes</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean woke up groggy.  Whiskey and mind-blowing sex had knocked him out the night before.  Well, maybe not quite sex, but that was okay, he was more than satisfied. Besides, it was Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His heart thudded in his chest and his body warmed to think about how Cas had looked at him, eyes glazed over in pleasure, mouth slightly open as he panted.  Dean had expected something altogether different, shyness due to Cas’s inexperience, or more hesitation thanks to his past.  But no, fuck when Cas let the gates open, he threw them wide and came barreling out, taking what he wanted.  And what he’d wanted had been Dean.  He couldn’t think of another time when someone had surprised him and overwhelmed him and fucking consumed him with just a kiss before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His cock stirred at the thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rolled to his side, opening his eyes, and expecting to find a sleeping and disheveled Cas, but all he found was an empty bed and a pillow with a depression. He closed his eyes and rolled onto the other side of the bed, the other man’s scent still lingering on the pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d bailed.  Of course, he’d bailed.  Dean should have known.  Stupid to think someone could change so completely so fast.  How could he have believed Castiel had gone from Seminary student who didn’t want to hold his hand during movie night to an out and proud gay man in just a few weeks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean was good, but even he wasn’t that good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dejected, he rolled around in bed for a few minutes before deciding he wasn’t going to spend his day pouting.  He had work to do and people who cared about him, even if Cas hadn’t turned out to be one of them. Which sucked.  He really thought… There was something about Cas that broke down his walls, made him want to believe in something.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hopped out of bed, feeling cold despite the summer heat, and pulled on last night’s underwear and jeans before pulling out a clean t-shirt.  He stretched and stepped out of his room to find a bouncing and happy Garth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Really need to talk this fuzzball out for a good long hike soon.  Maybe today, since apparently, he wasn’t going to be spending it with anyone else.  Dean was letting himself indulge in some self-pity, he knew it, but he’d really hoped to wake up to that mop of black hair and confused smile. Imagining it made his chest ache.  Fuck, it was just a date, just one date and a jerk off.  Dean had had plenty of those, sometimes they led to a few more dates, sometimes not.  Never anything serious.  No reason this should be any difference.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean sighed, and ran his hand through his hair determined to occupy his time instead of wallowing in what-ifs.  If Cas wasn’t interested, there was nothing he could do about that.  He wasn’t about to start chasing after someone who didn’t want to be caught. He had half a mind to call Charlie and see if she had any plans before he worked himself into a proper funk.  He grabbed his phone and quickly flicked through his emails and texts as he stepped outside, letting Garth run off to do his business.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning Sunshine!” Cas said from the strangest position he’d ever seen.  He was on his yoga mat, legs thrown over his head so his knees were all the way to the ground.  Hell, if he were so inclined Cas could probably suck himself off right there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Dean stammered, looking behind him and then back at Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel flung his legs back over his head and smoothly pulled himself to standing. “Did you sleep well?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas was all smiles, stepping toward him with a bare and sweaty chest and low slung yoga pants that made Dean’s mouth water against his will. His strong build and cut muscles clear behind and between the scars.  The v at the bottom of his stomach speckled with dark brown hair and promises from the night before.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He reached out for Dean’s hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shrunk back and Cas’s face fell. “What’s the matter?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought… I mean, you weren’t… And I know it was probably a lot for you to process… so…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You thought I ran.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean ran a hand through his hair, shuffling his feet and refusing to look at Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel stepped closer and put his hand on the other man’s arm, stroking the skin just under the sleeve cuff with his thumb. “I wake up earlier than you do every morning.  How do you think the coffee gets made?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, I know but…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did I do something wrong?” Cas tilted his head, genuine concern in his eyes. “Was I supposed to wait for you to get up, or wake you up?  After last night, is it different?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean chuckled at the worry and sincerity Cas gazed at him with.  When Cas winced, he pulled him into a tight hug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not laughing at you.  I’m laughing at me.  Of course, you should get up whenever you want and do the same things you do every morning.  It’s your house too and it would be silly for you to just lay there waiting for me to wake up.  I just… I let my fears get the better of me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fears that I ran away,” Cas smiled and gave Dean a quick kiss on the corner of his lips. “Worried that I’d changed my mind and decided to join the priesthood after all?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Something like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I keep telling you, I’m not Catholic,” he teased, trying to bring the smile back to Dean’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, but Cas, you wouldn’t be the first dude to freak out after he’s with another guy.  And after we kissed that first night, you didn’t really manage to keep your cool, so it was a real worry.” Dean ran his hands up and down Cas’s bare arms.  He loved that he was doing his morning workout without a shirt on now, that he felt safe and comfortable here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Someday, you have to stop underestimating me,” Cas grinned and leaned into Dean’s touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stood there just basking in the moment until Dean’s self-consciousness got the better of him.  “Coffee?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Inside, Cas pulled on a t-shirt, leaving his arms exposed, while Dean poured two mugs of black coffee.  They sat outside on the porch swing, Dean throwing a ball for Garth, talking about nothing and everything for most of the morning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You in for movie night tonight?” Dean asked. “I mean if you don’t have a date with your girlfriend.” he laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re gonna need to stop that,” Cas growled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not quite yet,” Dean leaned in and pecked Cas on the lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmhmmm.” Cas rolled his eyes. “My sermon is next Sunday, I really need to commit to a topic and start writing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, well you should work.  I was thinking of taking Garth out for a good hike, let him run off some energy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And as if summoned, Garth appeared, put muddy paws on Cas’s lap, and leaned in for a slurpy french kiss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my God, keep your tongue to yourself,” Cas stood, knocking the giant dog off him. “I’m going to shower, I’ll see you later.” Cas leaned down and cupped Dean’s cheek before giving him a deep kiss and heading inside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean sat for a minute, wiggling a little due to the pressure in his pants.  He looked at Garth whose tail was wagging. “You can’t tell time, how about I give you a chew and we go hiking in a little while?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Garth hopped to all four feet when he recognized the word chew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once he had the dog settled, Dean inched open the bathroom door, steam filled the room and the low monotonous hum that passed for Cas singing in the shower made him smile.  He slipped inside and was about to start brushing his teeth when Cas stuck his head out from behind the curtain with shampoo in his hair, “Aloha Cowboy!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean tumbled over, his back knocking into the wall. He laughed, “How the fuck do you know that??”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pop-culture savvy,” Cas shrugged, staring at Dean before he disappeared behind the curtain to rinse the suds from his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re taking some of the fun out of it.” Dean called, turning on the water to brush his teeth and making Cas squeal at the change in temperature.  “Aloha Cowboy,” Dean chuckled under his breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have the phrase right, don’t I?” Cas called. “By saying that I’m implying--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“--Yeah, yeah, that you’re the top.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ahh yes.” Cas turned the water off and reached out for his towel.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean finished brushing his teeth and splashed some water over his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas opened the curtain and came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist, low and precarious.  He stepped out and stood behind Dean, making eye contact in the mirror.  He ran his hands over Dean’s shoulders and down the strong muscles of his back. Feeling the athletic man tremble slightly at his touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean could practically hear the smug smirk on Cas’s face. “We already established that last night, didn’t we?” Dean said, leaning back as Cas wrapped his arms around him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we alluded to it, but lots of people would make the assumption of things being the other way.  You know, what with your height and the manly beard.  And then there’s me being a, let’s call it, a late bloomer.” Cas nibbled on Dean’s neck. “You yourself made such an assumption.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure you could grow in a very nice beard if you wanted to, but I think you just like to hear me say it.” Dean stretched his neck, giving Cas more access.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s true.  And?” Cas reached around Dean, palming his plumping cock and giving it a strong press of his hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… Fuck… I like this side of you Cas. All bossy and sure.  I didn’t expect it but… yeah...” He leaned his body back against Cas, letting his coiled strength hold him up. “...when we’re ready, I want you inside me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a sharp breath and curled his fingers around the length stretching beneath Dean’s jeans.  Cas slowly rocked his own hips against Dean’s warmth.  He could imagine what it would feel like to change his angle, bend his knees a little, and slide up into the beautiful man, the thought of it threatening his hold on his sanity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas guided their bodies sideways, never stopping his relentlessly restrained movements, and placed Dean’s hand on the wall next to them, turning them until Cas was pressing Dean’s front against the wall.  He pressed harder against him. Never stopping the steady, torturous pace of his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Put your other hand on the wall,” he whispered between soft nips through Dean’s shirt at shoulders and back.  He slipped his free arm under Dean’s shirt and around his chest, pulling him as close as he could get.  He popped open the button on Dean’s jeans and slipped inside, grabbing him through just his boxer briefs.  He squeezed tighter and sped up, rocking his hips against the soft cotton of the towel precariously holding on to his ability to think.  In a matter of seconds, Dean was pressed flush against the wall, face turned sideways, hands clawing for purchase as Cas fucked against him.  There was something desperate about it this morning, something more Cas was trying to say, it came out in pants and kisses and scratch marks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I…  You feel so good.” Cas cried out, not stopping.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fucking perfect but, can we, can we go to the bedroom?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas groaned a thick low graveling sound on Dean’s plea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please Cas.” Dean threw his head back against Castiel’s shoulder. “Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas turned him around, grabbed Dean by the hips and pulled his full body against him before kissing Dean with all the frantic desire he’d built up.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, don’t stop, I need you. Bedroom, please. Fuck.” Dean babbled and begged as Cas gripped his hip with his fingers, digging in and fucking up against him until the friction overcame him and all that existed was Dean and their bodies sliding into ecstasy together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Less clothes,” he said, pulling back and shoving Dean out of the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shrugged out of his shirt and pushed his jeans down over his hips, stumbling as he walked out of them, Cas close behind.  Dean settled on the bed, rolling toward Cas just in time to see him let the towel around his waist finally fall to the ground.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean took in the handsome man before him and Cas shuffled shyly, his hands covering the worst of his burnmarks. “Ya know, most people cover their junk when they’re self-conscious.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He slid to the edge of the bed to sit in front of Cas and reached forward. “Come here, let me see you,” he whispered.  His hands hung in the air while he waited, patient and understanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a stuttered breath, his lungs overfilled with fear until he exhaled and shut his eyes.  Nervous hands dropped to his sides as he took a breath and stepped into Dean’s waiting embrace.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re beautiful,” Dean said, placing a kiss on his hip and resting his cheek against his burnt flesh.  He wrapped his hands around Cas’s waist and they stood together in silence, breathing into the morning sunlight for a few moments.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When his heart calmed, Castiel ran his fingers through Dean’s short hair, massaging his scalp, pulling lighty on the hair, before running soft fingers over his brow and cheekbones.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean leaned into the touch, kissing Cas’s hip and then sucking gently on his finger when it came close enough to reach.  He ran his hands up and down Castiel’s thighs, fingers dancing across the scarred flesh, sensitive and bunched up with muscle and tissue.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel let out a whine as Dean kissed the inside of his hip bone and into the soft curly hair protecting his cock. He kissed and suckled the soft skin below Cas’s belly as his hands roamed the man’s ass and the back of his thighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Castiel breathed, needing more, desperate for something outside of his understanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean leaned back and looked up into Cas’s navy eyes and winked, before placing a sweet kiss against the tip of Castiel’s cock.  He moaned, the sweat/saltiness of Cas’s precum delicious.  With a lick to the underside of Cas’s head, he opened his mouth, and gave the tip a loving open mouth kiss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel moaned, eyes locked on Dean’s lips moving around the head of his cock, wrapping him up in irresistible warmth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean…” he moaned again, gripping the man’s shoulder, trying to hold still, to stay standing, to maintain any semblance of sanity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean continued his decadent kiss, wrapping his tongue around Cas before pulling his cock deeper into his mouth, slowly, inch by inch, wetting him and laving at his tender flesh before sucking his way back to where he could give languished attention to his head.  Dean’s hands gripped Cas’s ass, pulled him closer, encouraged Cas to let go, to enjoy, to relax into the movements his body longed to make.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Cas,” Dean said, between sweet open mouthed kisses. “You aint gonna hurt me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas clenched his eyes shut and shook his head, stuttering nonsense until Dean reached out to take his hand and tugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want me to stop?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Glowing green eyes full of concern and lust looked up at Castiel.  Lips plump and wet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to stop.  I want… I want so much… It feels selfish to be so greedy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean smiled softly. “It’s not greedy if I’m giving it to you, if I want you to have it.” He placed another sweet kiss on Cas’s hip and pulled his length deep into his mouth with a moan.  With the hand still holding Castiel’s he brought it to his head, letting Cas weave his fingers through his short sandy hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean dropped his hand to wrap around his own pulsing cock, stroking to the rhythm Cas set with the movement of his hips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel let out a baritone, guttural moan, pulling on Dean’s hair slightly as the man began to bob his head.  Cas’s cock slid along Dean’s tongue, pulsing and throbbing with a need that built higher and higher until Castiel felt a new kind of flame break out along his flesh, one with no pain, no punishment, only the glory that could be described as heavenly fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Cas came, he let out a bellow, a full-body stutter of release.  The sound so free and unhinged Dean came right along with him, his hand tightly pumping his own cock.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel kneeled and pressed his forehead against Dean and took a deep steadying breath.  He closed his eyes and forced himself to maintain control.  He loved how Dean lost control, that being with him like that sent the man into a mess of desire. He wanted to take Dean apart, leave him a puddle of spent desire, and put him back together again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Heavy breathing filled the room as they stroked each other’s faces and gave sloppy slow kisses.  It was slow and tender, giving and receiving, full of all the passion and vulnerability they’d just shared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aloha Cowboy,” Cas chuckled against Dean’s lips, sending him into a fit of laughter.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel grabbed his towel and wiped the sweat from his body and then took his time to clean Dean. He guided Dean to lay down before toweling him off, making sure to touch every inch, every nook.  All the while placing sweet kisses along Dean’s body.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like taking care of you,” he breathed against Dean’s hip, placing a sweet kiss there before drying his thighs, moving his knee to open his legs so Cas could run the towel up his inner thighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean sighed.  The sweetness of it.  Cas on his knees on the bed next to him.  It was strangely non-sexual, it wasn’t wild and frenzied driving toward an ecstatic end.  It was something he’d never experienced before.  Something that felt like reverence and he wasn’t sure how he deserved it but fuck if it didn’t make him feel like being a better man, like being a man who deserved to be touched this way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pulled Cas down to him by the arms and kissed him sweetly.  Tongues touching for just a moment, to relish the taste of the other man, but the rest a simple sweet caress of lips that went on forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah Cas,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I really do have to work.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Dean smiled into the kiss, pressing his lips firmer for just a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the background Garth barked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I guess I should take the mutt for a hike,” Dean chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They went to their respective rooms to dress, which suddenly felt ridiculous, Cas on one side of the hall and Dean on the other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel spent the day on his laptop, writing and researching.  His mind returned over and over to Dean and the question of if this is what life could really be like.  Even if he was wrong about everything, even if he was going to spend eternity in a pit of hellfire, it might be worth it to have a life with Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He worked hard, pulling quotes from his well loved King James Bible.  It wasn’t Michael’s preferred translation, he liked the Good News edition, but Castiel was partial to the more lyrical language of the older version.  He found the reading he wanted to focus on and once he had his topic clear the words came easily and passionately.  It would need editing and expanding, but yes, this would work well for his first sermon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lamented that he wouldn’t be able to ask Duma’s opinion, that his actions had caused him to lose a friend.  He hoped someday, with enough time, he might be able to heal the hurt he’d caused her.  He hoped maybe he’d be able to earn back her trust, but for now, he’d have to do this alone.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He missed his sister.  Hannah would see through all his misworded phrases, and winding language.  She would find the simple beauty underneath and help him uncover it, her gentle nature leading him to higher truths.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he was done, Dean was clomping back into the house, calling for Cas to grab him some towels to wipe the mud off Garth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just put him in the outside shower?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would but we have to get going, and while you look great, I look like some kind of wild mountain man.” Dean patiently toweled off each of Garth’s feet while the hound looked at him as if he were committing a great offense. “And I think it’s time to shave, this is really itchy now that it’s hot out and if Garth and I are going to do any hunting we probably shouldn’t have the same facial hair.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smirked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Dean released Garth’s feet and shooed him into the house before starting to take off his mud soaked boots.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you trying to see if I’ll be upset if you shave?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Dean’s ears pinked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you worried I won’t like you anymore?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Cas, stop that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop what.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That ‘seeing inside what people are thinking’ thing you do, cut it out.  I was just, I don’t know, warning you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I don’t run screaming from the sight of your baby face?” Castiel chuckled and took Dean’s blushing cheek into his hand. “Dean, I like you, not just the way you look.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turned away to clean up his day’s work and didn’t see the shock on Dean’s face.  No one had ever felt that way. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a good thing you’re pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span> was practically a mantra in his personal life.  His relationships almost never lasted because of assumptions people made about him based on how he looked.  It was one of the reasons he grew the beard in the first place, and didn’t date anymore.  But something about Cas made him think he meant what he said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Expose Your Tender Center</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previous of Prayer in G: Domestic Fluff</p><p>CW: Cas has a bit of a freakout and reveals more about his past</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They drove to movie night together, holding hands in the Impala.  Castiel couldn’t stop looking at Dean’s freshly shaved face and hair styled up and out of his face. He smelled fresh and clean, with an undercurrent of spicy cologne.  The man was entirely out of his league, like drop dead movie star porn actor gorgeous, and every time he looked over with the glint of gold in his green eyes, Castiel’s heart flipped.  It was the goodness he saw within that pulled at his heart and made this risk something he had decided to take.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The potential pain at the end was too terrible to look directly at, for when he’d have to leave for school and then home.  He had no idea when or if he’d ever get back to Dean, if he’d ever be able to make the kind of promises he suddenly wanted to whisper to Dean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It nipped at his heels with Ishram’s voice reminding him he had no right to expect God’s gifts in this life or the next.  It made his heart miss a beat, but then Dean’s eyes would soften and he’d squeeze Cas’s hand, and somehow, everything was better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who could Cas be without the blackness that covered him like sludge most of his life?  Who could he be if he believed in the way Dean looked at him.  Could God forgive the things he’d done, the people he’d hurt, the crimes he’d committed?  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking?  You have that far away look again.” Dean tugged on his hand as they pulled up in front of Charlie’s.  “Everyone’s excited you’re coming and I talked to Charlie about the Claire stuff.  Don’t worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not that.” Castiel laid his head back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel smiled and looked at Dean, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean caught his breath. “Is that in the Bible?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded. “It’s how…  It’s how you make me feel.  Tenderhearted, like maybe I can be forgiven.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean undid his seatbelt and moved next to Cas and took his face in his hands.  “You are too much, Cas. I’m amazed by how much love you have in you.”  His kiss was simple, sweet, and filled Cas with a pure clear light that lifted his soul and drove back the blackness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are we watching tonight?” Castiel asked when Dean pulled away, breathing heavily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a surprise.” Dean cracked a smile and climbed out of the car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked up to the front door hand in hand and walked right in.  Dean felt no need to knock or stand on ceremony, and based on the reception they received, the informal intimacy was not only expected, but it was welcome.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, look at you,” Meg said, running a hand down Castiel’s arm. “You’ve, uh, thickened up a bit since we saw you last. Hot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel gripped Dean’s hand only for the other man to reward Meg with a chuckle. “You should see him without the clothes,” he winked, leaving Meg and Cas with their mouths hanging open.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean disappeared into the crowd, off to chat with Benny and Jo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you and Dean, huh?  Any chance you have room for a little meat in that sandwich?” Meg raised an eyebrow and Castiel couldn’t help but laugh.  She was so over the top. It was impossible to take her completely seriously, although he had no doubt she would happily jump at it if he agreed to her offer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, Meg.  I don’t share.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meg cackled and smacked him on the arm before wandering off to chat with Dot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without Dean, Castiel felt unmoored.  Each face smiled at him, but no one really talked to him. What did he even have in common with them?  He didn’t know anything about Charlie’s pop culture interests or Kevin’s high tech nerdisms.  He asked questions, he listened, but he was uncomfortable talking about himself when it came down to it.  He didn’t discuss his personal life or past and he wasn’t sure talking about his work at the church would be welcome.  So, without Dean at his side, they didn’t really know him.  He was the strange tag-a-long who made odd comments at the wrong times and didn’t get their jokes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn’t be here.  Dean should be with someone who fits in with all these people.  Maybe he and Benny should have given it more of a shot.  Or Jo, she was beautiful and clearly adored Dean.  Castiel was just a fish drowning in the open air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel!” A familiar voice called out, and he looked over to see Eileen.  A weight fell from his chest at the sweet smile that reached all the way to her soft brown eyes.  She was a safe haven in this chaos.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How are you?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he signed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, tired.  Work’s been rough,” she said and signed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s up?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hate it, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she signed, looking around quickly for Sam. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I know I’m supposed to be all into it since I’m deaf, but being the ASL social worker at the courthouse is hard.  There are so many sad stories.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas frowned.  He knew that feeling.  Being in proximity to heartache and having no power to change it was a part of his job, too. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you do anything else that you enjoy?</span>
  </em>
  <span> His hands fumbled, the sleeves of his black henley falling a little too long and making his movements clumsy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath.  If he’s going to believe he’s forgiven, then he’s going to have to start with himself. He pushed his sleeves up to his elbows, revealing the severely scarred forearms and badly burned right arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas?” Eileen said out loud with round eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s easier to sign this way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and gave him a soft smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When did you learn how to sign?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They continued to sign quickly, talking through Eileen’s job and what she’d rather spend her time doing.  When Castiel told her she was more than just her ability or inability to hear and to consider what she wanted outside of that, he could see something pass over her as if the idea had never occurred to her.  She had never let being deaf hold her back, but she was allowing it to make decisions for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon they were chatting about how Catiel had a deaf cousin and all the kids learned to sign.  It came in handy growing up so they could talk during church and silent prayer time without the adults knowing.  They discussed Sam and Dean and Cas’s work at the church.  It was easy, comfortable, and soothing for Cas, quiet.  Eileen was funny and quick-witted, and the way she talked about Sam was downright endearing. He found himself wanting to get to know them both better, even outside of his relationship with Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So you and Dean have worked things out? </span>
  </em>
  <span>she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It seems that way.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Castiel couldn’t keep the smile from spreading across his face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s still new.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Be careful with him.  Dean plays it tough, but he feels things deeply.  What happened with Lisa almost killed him.  I didn’t know if he’d ever be serious with anyone again after that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, he told me some of what happened.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Castiel frowned.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Good.  I don’t like to sign other people’s business, but he’s got a lot of walls built up thanks to their Dad, and Lisa kicking him out seemed to brick them up for good.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded, rubbing his forearms absently. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not exactly without issues.  But Dean’s… he’s like no one else.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eileen made an audible squeal. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Look at your cute little smile!  You’re smitten!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I am,” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re about to start,” Dean said, walking over and throwing his arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him tight against him. He lifted the fingers of his other hand and ran them over Cas’s exposed flesh, a  soft smile on his face.  He kissed Cas quickly. “I picked tonight’s movie just for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean, somewhere between skepticism and fear. “What have you done?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean just gave him his “who me?” face and smiled brightly, obviously very proud of himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They settled into their usual seats, but this time, instead of hiding their hands, Dean left his arm around Cas and he settled against the other man, placing a firm hand on his thigh.  He noticed more than one person staring at them but saw nothing but kindness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up, holding the remote control like a scepter.  “My beloved subjects…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, her LARPing group has started up again,” Dean whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Quiet Handmaiden!” Charlie commanded, pointing the remote at Dean. “For all here attending the royal film viewing, it should be announced that tonight’s attraction was selected by Deanifer of Winchester. Enjoy”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bowed, and the group clapped and laughed as lights were turned off and the movie began.  As soon as the first scene started to come up, everyone started to laugh.  Eileen poked him in the side and Sam almost fell over himself to give his brother a high five.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Cas whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just watch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it the third John Wick?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean burst out into laughter, having to wave off the looks of their friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is the same actor, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, different movie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you two shut it?  I’m trying to watch the hotness that is Keanu Reeves,” Jo called over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time he appeared on the screen in a suit and a black trench coat, Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the exorcist leaned over the demon and announced himself, “I’m Constantine, John Constantine.” Everyone in the room burst into laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean could barely catch his breath. “See?  It’s you, with the trenchcoat and the suit and the bible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel tried to find the humor, tried to see the kindness in the reference, but he found it hard to breathe.  He watched horrified as bugs swarmed the man and someone who was supposed to be his friend refused to choose good over evil.  Just the mention of Balthazar made him cringe, physically pulling away from the screen.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean gave him a confused look and pulled him closer in his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Constantine descended into hell, fire surrounding him, demons clamoring for a chance to rip at his soul, Castiel’s fear spread like spiders climbing along his nerves. He pulled away from Dean, wanting nothing to touch him.  The twisting in his stomach like he’d been kicked over and over. He wanted to scream. Blackness covered his mouth, keeping the sound in as it slid down his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas?” Dean looked at him in the dark, but Castiel barely recognized him, seeing only the empty blackness of his past.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go,” he whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dean didn’t respond, panic rose in his throat, he was going to be trapped here with demon fire and angels who were supposed to save sinners like him but who were really just dicks.  “I have to go.  I just…” Castiel stood, eyes unfocused as he looked around for the fastest way out of the room.  He climbed over Dean through the dining room, back into the kitchen where he opened a beer and drank as much as he could as quickly as he could, needing something to numb his panic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas?” Charlie called, but by then, the tears had started to fall and he couldn’t fill his lungs.  He saw black spots everywhere and the whole world was closing in on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the background, the words of the exorcism on the screen, the words he’d heard at the very worst moments of his life, came screaming to his ears from the other room. “Adjure te, spiritus nequissime, per Deum omnipotentem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He recites the phrase along with the main character, and then continues, over and over.  He braced himself over the kitchen sink, the words falling as freely as his tired tears.  Bile rose in his throat and his body wanted to expel everything he’d eaten for weeks, everything he’d said and done.  Everything he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s lost in a place where prayers were sent up with a rapturous song to save his soul at the same time as his body was beaten and shamed.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone touched his shoulder. He jumped away from the contact, in pain as if he’d been struck through his heart. Shocked back to the present, the pain still raw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas?” Dean says gently. “You good, man? Do you want to talk or go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head, unable to look at Dean, Latin still spiraling in his head.  He backed away when Dean reached out a hand, shrinking from the touch as if it might burn him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see your head spinning. You don’t have to talk, but try to calm down, okay?  I’m worried about you. You’re okay. You’re safe here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A cruel smile spread across Cas’s face.  Safe.  He’d never been safe one day in his life.  Not really.  How had he dared to be so brazen, to have such hope?  He should have known better.  Evil like him doesn’t get those things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would make you pick that movie?” Castiel croaks, the word dry and brittle.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind Dean, he can see a blurry crowd, his pain an exhibition, his shame entertainment for the masses.  Again.  Why should he be afforded any privacy now?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  It was just… I thought it was cute, like your trench coat.  It was supposed to be funny, I’m really sorry it upset you.” Dean had his hands out like he was talking to a child, trying to inch closer, which only infuriated Castiel more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I find it funny to be compared to a man damned to eternal hell.  A man God had turned his back on?  Your correlation hits home, but I thought you saw more than that in me.  More than this.” Castiel pushed his sleeves up as far as they would go, exposing the cuts and scars and burns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone in the faceless crowd gasped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t think about exorcisms?  You didn’t think about how they forced me to drink Holy Oil until I vomited over and over again for hours while those same words were recited? My mother watching and crying as she prayed for my soul not to burn? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Adjure te, spiritus nequissime, per Deum omnipotentem.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Castiel spat.  “I know them by heart, just like your movie star.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s tears fell freely now and Dean stood before him, his mouth open, unable to move or do anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you, Dean,” he growled</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas,” Dean’s voice broke. “I’m so sorry. I should have realized. Let’s go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head, refusing to meet Dean’s eyes. “I can’t.  I just, I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Dean stepped forward, horrified to see how Cas pulled back as if expecting to be hit, his shoulders folding in on himself. “Please, you don’t have to talk or even look at me. Let’s just get you home where you’re safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the startled choking sob that did Dean in.  Cas was lost.  He turned back in a desperate plea that someone knew what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Eileen who finally stepped forward. “Castiel,” she said to get his attention.  They signed back and forth a few times so fast Dean had no hope of keeping up, but eventually, Cas nodded and walked out to pull on his boots.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, take Cas back to the cabin.  Make sure to get him to church tomorrow, he’s spiraling about letting this ruin his position.  And… just give him some quiet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eileen shook her head sadly and hugged Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean.  He’s not completely making sense.  I think we need to give him time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, “Thank you, thank you so much.” He smiled at Eileen, and followed Castiel out to the front yard.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. I Have To Act Just As Strong As I Can</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: <br/>Movie Night!<br/>Dean Fucked Up</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean followed Castiel around like a watchdog, and even with Dean there to hold Garth’s attention, the dog sat patiently with his head on Castiel’s lap whenever he sat down and to make sure he ate dinner. Both of them monitored how long he was in the bathroom, and both of them insisted they sleep next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel did not speak to Dean the entire time.  Or meet his eyes.  Or allow himself to cry, as much as he wanted to.  He just wanted to go to bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have my own room, Dean.” Castiel grumbled, standing in Dean’s room, refusing to get into the larger, and admittedly more comfortable bed despite Dean’s nagging.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes you do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to sleep in it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean said, standing up and grabbing the pillow from what was now his side of the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Castiel huffed, running a hand through his bedraggled hair.  It was the most they had spoken since leaving Charlies, and Cas could barely stand to look at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sleeping in your room, like you said.  I’m fine on the floor.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, that’s where I’m sleeping.  You are staying here.” Castiel frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean set the pillow on the end of the bed and stared at Cas for longer than a passing glance.  Longer than even a meaningful stare.  He waited, waited until Cas was really listening to the silence around them. “Cas, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“--Don’t”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was an ass.  I wasn’t thinking.  It was insensitive and more than a little bit cruel and I’m ashamed of myself for not thinking about how you would feel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop it, Dean.  I don’t want to talk about this now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not asking you to talk.  Just let me be here for you.  You’re right to be mad at me.  You’re right to not want to look at my face right now, but I’m not leaving you to sink into the hole we both know is waiting for you once you close your eyes.  I’m not letting you face that alone.  You can hate me the whole time, but I’m staying with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Castiel found himself sleeping in Dean’s bed for the second night in a row, but this time unable to look at the man himself.  Instead, he laid on his back staring at the ceiling while Dean stared at him in the dark and Garth slept on the floor next to him instead of in his dog bed, snoring.  Apparently, even the dog could tell Castiel was decidedly not okay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was thankful for the company and for the fact that Dean didn’t ask him to talk or push to know more about his life.  He was mortified that he had said so much in front of so many.  Secrets he didn’t tell just spewed from his mouth in his pain and anger.  Even at Seminary where he’d made no effort to hide his scars, he never told people the truth.  Just that he’d been in a fire.  But now, everyone in his life who he could even attempt to consider a friend knew.  They all knew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shame burned through him. Ripping apart his insides and setting the shattered remains aflame. Even his pain couldn’t be private.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was very late when he rolled toward Dean to find him staring back at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” Dean said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t sleep?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t anything,” he said, and the tears he’d been holding in since before the car ride home seeped out of him, slow and persistent like his sorrow was just leaking out of him of its own accord.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean smiled sadly and ran his fingertips across Castiel’s brow.  “Okay. I’m here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They laid in silence, simple, easy, quiet.  Dean pet his hair and ran gentle fingertips along his face as Castiel listened to Garth’s snores and Dean’s steady breath until finally, he eased into sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He woke slowly, the smell of coffee and something cinnamon filling his senses.  When he opened his eyes, the bed was empty, but he could hear Dean singing to himself in the kitchen. He couldn’t help the smile that danced on his lips.  Part of him was still mad.  Part of him felt betrayed, as if Dean had taken an announcement out in the paper telling everyone about his messed up past, but the other part of him remembered how Dean had watched over him and gently soothed him, asking for nothing in return, until he slept, a surprisingly nightmare free sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This life: sharing a bed, caring for the dog, making coffee.  Supporting each other through pain, making mistakes and asking forgiveness without condition, it was all the kind of old-fashioned, June Cleaver life that wasn’t made for guys like him. The kind of life that he was taught was an abomination.  The world had changed, and he no longer believed those lies, but inside he still felt their sting so maybe it was time for him to catch up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Castiel stepped out, Dean was pulling cinnamon rolls from the oven, with his beloved apron over a pair of dress pants and a white dress shirt. He turned around and his closely shaved face and styled hair took Castiel’s breath away.  And then he smiled, and the whole room shrunk down to the beauty of the man before him.  Even after all his chaos and drama and freakouts, that smile was still for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You… look nice?” Castiel stuttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that a question?” Dean shot him a half-smile as he took off his apron and took out two plates.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel watched, stunned as he stood in his sleeping pants and long-sleeved shirt, while Dean puttered around, pouring coffee and setting the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You just gonna stand there?” Dean asked, gesturing to the table, before sitting down and biting into his own breakfast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a tentative step forward and then tilted his head, staring at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is there something on my face?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, I just, I’ve never seen you dressed up before,” Castiel admitted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ahh, stunned into silence by how well I clean up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Castiel said, earning himself a beaming smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why thank ‘ya, sir?” Dean said in a terrible cowboy accent before taking a big sip of his coffee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a few tentative steps and sat down, taking a sip of his coffee. “So why all dressed up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, this?  These are my Sunday best.  I’m told you wear them to church.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel sputtered and coughed on his coffee. “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not really a jacket and tie guy, but if you think I should throw them on, I do have them. I thought this was a good middle ground.  I mean, how fancy is Michael’s church?  Do men wear suits?  Ohh do the women wear those big fancy hats?  I always loved seeing people wear those around Easter when I was a kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, wait, I mean, what?  Why are you dressed for going to church?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eileen told me it was important to make sure you got there this morning, that it was important to you. Which I knew, but she really made a point about it, so I figured, the best way to do that was to drive you myself.  You know, ‘Get you to the Church On Time’” Dean smirked, amused by his own stupid joke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel set his coffee down and leaned back in his chair. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, no, I get that. But you’re not exactly in a place to make good decisions, so I figured, I can sit in the back.  I don’t have to play the role of minister’s wife or anything. And I can wait in the car while you do your class and stuff until you’re ready to come home.  I downloaded a few new books onto my kindle to check out, so I’m good to just hang out.  No one has to know I’m even there, but if you need me, I’ll be nearby.” Dean shoved the rest of his cinnamon bun in his mouth and chewed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel groaned and put his elbows on the table, cradling his head in his hands.  “Dean, I am not a child.  I don’t need...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, I know,” he said with a full mouth full of cake. He stood up and pushed Cas’s plate toward him before cleaning up his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you have the best of intentions with this but...,” Castiel started but Dean just started humming as he loaded the dishwasher with everything on the counter.  The more he tried to get Dean’s attention, the louder his singing became.  He fed Garth, shoved Cas’s breakfast closer again, swept the front porch until finally, he was picking up the bun as if to feed it to Cas directly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Castiel placed a hand on his wrist and stood up. “You are being stubbornly cute, and I appreciate it, but I’m okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, totally, why wouldn’t you be?” Dean deadpanned setting the bun down.  “You can fight me all you want, but I’m driving you this morning, and I'm gonna get my soul saved, and then if I’m lucky I’ll get some of that coffee hour potluck food you’re always talking about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why is it whatever I ask of you, you seem to do the exact opposite?” Castiel shook his head and took a bite of his cinnamon bun, and stood up. “Fine, I’ll get changed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I already took your keys in case you're contemplating climbing out a window,” Dean called after him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean parked the Impala in the back lot of the church reserved just for staff.  Castiel put the little card he usually kept in his truck on the dash so they didn’t get towed and looked at Dean one more time.  His hands rubbed together and his leg hadn’t stopped bouncing since they’d gotten in the car, and now it was time to get out. The idea of being around people, specifically people he needed to maintain some professionalism with, seemed impossible and draining.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can do this,” Dean reassured, putting a strong steady hand on his vibrating knee. “I’ll be right there, sitting in the back row, so if you need me, you can just turn around and I’ll be there.  Your nerves aren’t because of here, they’re like an echo, try not to listen and just be here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looked up at Dean from under wet hooded eyes. “Why are you like this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like what?” Dean pulled his head back a little to get a better look at Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So nice to me.  All I’ve done since I got here is send you mixed messages and act like a dramatic child.  And yet you’re still so kind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, are you doing any of this on purpose?  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And when you say you’re sending mixed messages, are you trying to hurt me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I never…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right, exactly.  I understand that, even if you don’t.  And I’m the one who fucked up here, so let me be the one who feels bad and makes things better.  You can do this.” Dean took a leap and leaned forward and pressed a kiss against Cas’s cheek.  “Sometimes we have to fight for what we want,” he whispered before pulling away, shooting Castiel a wink, and climbing out of the car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel sat still for a moment, trying to reign in his breath and his pulse.  Maybe, maybe he hadn’t ruined everything.  Maybe Dean was right and this wasn’t who he was, it was just the echo of something he’d left behind.  He took a steadying breath and opened his door, only to find Dean waiting for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walked in together, through the back.  Castiel wanted to take Dean’s hand, but he held back.  Today was about being here, there would be time for that later.  They stepped into the sanctuary just as the first hymn began.  Dean bumped into him lightly before sitting in the back row while Castiel made his way up to the first row, his usual seat next to Duma.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To her credit, Duma gave him a small smile and didn’t act overly different from usual, if not a little colder.  Cas knew he’d hurt her but he prayed he could make it right and win her back as a friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The service flowed in the familiar and soothing sequence until it was time for Castiel to do his reading.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stepped up to the podium, resting his shaking hands on the warm wood before him, and looked for Dean.  He sat in the back, arms spread out over the back of the pew on either side of him, smiling as if he were watching a kid’s ballet recital.  Castiel sent up a silent thanks and read his piece clearly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Today’s reading comes from 1 Corinthians 2-5: </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power,  so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was the one part of the service Michael had given him ownership of, it was small but so powerful for him to choose the message he shared each week.  He couldn’t have known how important the words he’d chosen would be that day, he couldn’t have predicted that Dean would have even been at service, but this Sunday morning, he felt God speaking through him, and directly to Dean, and it felt like revelation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Coffee hour whisked by as it usually did with greetings and casual conversations with congregants and visitors alike.  He watched as Missouri greeted Dean with one of her magnificent hugs and immediately began scolding him for something.  Castiel relaxed to see him comfortable and with people to talk to.  When Duma didn’t come to take her usual place at his side he wandered over, sure to catch her eye before approaching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning, Duma.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, Castiel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look well,” he said before taking a sip of the acidic coffee the church served.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel, small talk feels, well just so small now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiled at her and nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you brought him?” she turned her attention to where Dean was laughing with Ellen. “Was this to make some kind of point? To make sure I got the message?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Duma, no!  I… Things are not easy for me.  Dean was kind enough to drive me and stick around so I wouldn’t miss service today.  Him being here has nothing to do with… us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With you dating,” she clarified.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Correct.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Duma huffed out a breath and looked away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“None of this was intended to hurt you.  I sincerely didn’t mean to imply something more than… I just hope you can believe I’m sorry for ever hurting you.  You mean a great deal to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded, the hint of a tear in her eye. “I believe you Castiel.  I just wish… maybe if things don’t work out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked up at him and Cas’s heart clenched. “No Duma, I’m sorry.  Even if things don’t work with Dean, that’s not in the cards for me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded again, a few times, and then looked up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for not hating me.  I hope we’ll be friends again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hating you wouldn’t be a very Christian thing to do, Castiel,” she smiled sadly but finally met his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the very end of the hour, as people were beginning to file out, Michael finally approached him with a hard slap on the back and a forced smile. “I see you were able to get our misanthropic Winchester here this morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean is not misanthropic, just cautious,” Castiel replied without thinking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm, yes, well.  Have you had time to work on your sermon for next week?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, thank you again for the opportunity.  I’m looking forward to it.  I’ve been centering it around a reading from Galatians...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, yes, I’m sure it’s all very academic.  Just, a word of advice?  Don’t get lost in your head, remember to reach out to people’s hearts too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel frowned, certain there was an insult in there but unable to pinpoint it. “Yes, thank you.  Also, I was thinking of moving bible study to a weeknight.  Not many people are able to stay on Sundays.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I think that’s wise,” Michael nodded. “It seems no one but Duma was planning on staying today anyway.  Check the church schedule with her on Monday and set it up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and Michael wandered away, leaving Castiel alone for the first time since arriving.  He looked out across the room and saw Dean helping the maintenance volunteers clean up the chairs and fold up the tables.  It was like seeing a vision of the future, one where he had his church and his… Dean, together.  Always though, there was something missing.  And the tug on his heart hurt just a little more.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. It's The Little Things You Do, The Little Things You Say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean goes to church with Castiel</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the car, Dean reached over and placed a hand on Castiel’s thigh, pulling his attention away from watching the small city whisk by.  The touch was light, done with barely a thought, comfortable like they’d been doing this for years.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You up for grabbing something to eat?” Dean didn’t look at him but gave his leg a squeeze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel placed his hand on top of his, thankful for the contact.  So very thankful he hadn’t scared Dean away by making a scene at Charlie’s.  He couldn’t help but chastise himself for being so emotional about it, but Dean didn’t seem to think he’d overreacted or misunderstood.  The man didn’t defend his actions or make it out to be Castiel’s fault, he just apologized.  A simple gesture that meant so much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There was a lot of food at coffee hour.” Castiel looked back out the window, letting the rows of houses swim by.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean hummed his agreement and then looked over at him with a tilted head, “But you didn’t eat any of it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel slumped in his seat.  Fucking up already. “I had some, but no, not much.  But you can’t possibly be hungry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I always got room.  Charlie said she and Sam and Eileen are heading to the diner.  Would you want to meet them?  I know Eileen, especially, is worried about you.” Dean’s voice had an edge to it.  He knew he was pushing Castiel, but Cas didn’t mind.  Maybe he needed to be pushed, a little shove out of the nest so he could see if he had wings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When did you have time to have all these conversations?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean looked a bit sheepish. “I may have been texting in church.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas let out a mock gasp and clutched his heart.  “Why I never!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughed, hearty and strong.  The crinkles by his eyes spanned out, deeper than his age thanks to so much time in the sun.  “What do you say, relax with friends, no pressure, then we can go home and do whatever you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Am I going to have to talk about last night?” Castiel fidgeted with his fingers. He picked at his cuticles like they’d offended him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not if you don’t want to.  If anyone brings it up you can just tell them to fuck off.” Dean rubbed Cas’s thigh absently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t say that, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, you’d say something like,” Dean coughs twice and lowers his voice, “I’m not comfortable speaking about that matter at this time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casiel chuckles, because that does, indeed, sound like him. “Ok, we can go, but only if you promise not to be mad at me for something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean gave him a </span>
  <em>
    <span>what now</span>
  </em>
  <span> look and turned right at the next intersection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was talking to Duma, which went better than I anticipated, but she asked about us and, I know you are comfortable with people knowing about you but I, um, I confirmed that we were dating.  And I know we have technically had all of one date but when she asked I didn’t know what else to call… this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stiffened for a moment and then started laughing.  He laughed and pulled the Impala over to grip the steering wheel and give himself over completely to convulsions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… You… You thought.... You thought I’d be mad?” Dean turned to look at Castiel with wide eyes.  The green in them sparkled with his smile.  If Castiel weren’t so nervous about how Dean would react he’d have been rendered speechless by the sight of him.  Strong jaw and long neck, his perfect bowed lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t know, we haven’t discussed what this is.” Castiel gestured between them weakly with a shrug and a small smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, if this isn’t dating, I honestly don’t know what is.” He leaned forward and pulled Castiel close against him before placing sweet soft kisses against his neck and cheek and then finally his lips. “Man, I fell for you the second Garth knocked you on your ass in the mud.  If we aren’t dating yet, you better hurry the fuck up and get to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ten minutes later, they walked into the diner hand in hand.  A large number of the customers were also Castiel’s parishioners but when he felt Dean start to pull his hand away, he held on tighter.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>If not now, when?</span>
  </em>
  <span> His heart thrummed but nothing happened.  No one stood up and yelled.  No one stalked forward and punched him.  The ground didn’t open up and drop them directly into the bowels of hell.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was almost as if no one noticed.  Or if they did, they didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean bumped his hip and when Cas looked up Dean was beaming down at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas squeezed his hand again and let the warmth of Dean’s touch spread through him, filling the empty spaces with warmth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam, Eileen, and Charlie were all sitting at the corner booth.  When they spotted the men, Eileen stood up and started signing before they even said hello.  Castiel laughed, not meaning to make light of her worry, but the sweetness of it was overwhelming.  When they were in their spots he leaned over Sam to give her a hug, mumbling an apology, but Sam just patted him on the back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m okay.  I’m sorry I made a scene.” Castiel said and signed before loosening his tie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you kidding me?” Charlie said with wide eyes. “If any of us had any idea we wouldn’t have let this fucknugget pick that movie.  I mean really, how dense can a man be.  This is why I exclusively date women.  You really drew the short end of the queer stick.” She pointed at him with her straw before blowing the wrapper directly into Dean’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Dot?” Dean asked, shifting the conversation seamlessly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel put his hand on Dean’s leg and was tempted to bend his head to his shoulder.  He felt safe here.  Out in public, with people he only sort of knew and a man who was becoming one of the most important people in his life.  How had this happened?  How had they accepted the horror show of his life and just moved on as if it was business as usual?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you really okay? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Eileen signed subtly</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, it was just a flash.  Dean was very sweet.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve heard that happens occasionally </span>
  </em>
  <span>she laughed softly and just raised her eyebrows when Sam looked at her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So,” Sam cleared his throat. “We have some news.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie clapped her hands together and then gazed at them attentively.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant,” Eileen said and signed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a pause and then the table erupted.  Dean threatened to ask if the diner had champagne and Charlie started planning the baby’s Halloween costumes for the next ten years.  Sam tried to settle everyone down, but only managed to increase the chaos.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to be an Uncle.  Uncle Dean.  How about that?  Oh Sammy, I’m so happy for you.  You’re gonna be a great Dad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only because you showed me how,” Sam said with half a smile. A moment of brotherly intimacy that Castiel envied.  What he wouldn’t have given for any of his brothers to be like either of the Winchester men.  But he had Hannah.  No matter what, he always had Hannah.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shaddup.” Dean laughed giving his brother a fond smile. “Have you told Bobby yet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shook his head and continued talking over the noise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How far along are you?” Castiel eventually asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“13 weeks,” Sam threw his arm around Eileen’s back, beaming.  Everyone commented with questions about morning sickness and due dates and c-sections.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s so wonderful.  When Kelly was 13 weeks she finally stopped throwing up.” The words were out before he could stop them.  He remembered her beautiful long brown hair and how she’d started to show late, and the feeling of the swell of her stomach.  His breath caught in his throat for a moment but everyone was so excited they hardly noticed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hadn’t let himself think about these things while he’d been here.  He hadn’t let himself remember.  He was happy, happier than he ever thought he would be, but once allowed the thoughts in, he knew he still had to go back.  He still had one thing left at home he needed to take care of.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of letting the memories overtake him, he tried to focus on hope, on what life could look like after, what he might be able to have.  If Dean still wanted him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, what are we thinking for names?” Charlie began as their food arrived.  “I vote Leto, I mean, the first baby in the crew needs to have a legendary name.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel picked up the bacon cheeseburger Dean had ordered him and took a bite.  His mouth filled with heady flavors and the conversation around him kept getting more and more ridiculous and happy as the meal went on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about Ziggy Stardust?” Dean suggested earning himself a head tilt of confusion from Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was like a pseudonym Bowie used in the 70s.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would someone name themselves after exploded suns?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughed and took a sip of water while shaking his head. “We really need to get you some more music for your truck.  It’s embarrassing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about Serafina?” Castiel contributed, earning himself a confused look from Eileen.  He spelled the name out in ASL for her and she smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s beautiful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I always liked it,” he blushed and took another bite of his burger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean looked at him like he was considering something, something bigger than the conversation at the table had passed between them but Castiel wasn’t sure what it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After their meal, the group tumbled out of the diner, full of hugs and laughter.  Dean and Sam let Charlie know movie night would have to be canceled this week because Bobby and Jody wanted to have family dinner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We have a lot to celebrate,” Sam pulled Eileen closer and nodded at Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, am I...?” Cas said without thinking and then quickly clamped his lips shut.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course!” Sam said, eyes wide, “I’ve never seen Dean this happy, Bobby’s gonna want to pretend to try and intimidate you with his gun collection.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel rolled his eyes, “I grew up in a fundamentalist separatist cult. Guns don’t scare me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The group froze and Dean gaped at him for a moment, mouth opening and closing like a fish, until he started laughing. “Fuck man, you always get me.  You just say that shit out of nowhere.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled and shrugged his shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While everyone said their goodbyes, he stood by the car and signed with Eileen for a moment. Their quiet friendship had come to mean so much to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve attended a few births, sisters and cousins and such, if you want to talk, I’d be happy to listen. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He chuckled, </span>
  <em>
    <span>or you know.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you, Castiel.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Eileen threw her arms around him and pulled him in close.  “I’m glad you’re okay,” she mumbled against his cheek before letting him go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked away, suddenly shy and uncomfortable, but before it could churn in his gut, turning the day sour, Dean’s fingers interlaced with his, pulling him toward the Impala.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the ride home, Dean kept giving him sideways looks, soft and small.  A little smile played on his face, making him look younger and sweet.  After about ten minutes, Castiel had had enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  Did I do something wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, of course not,” Dean said, dropping his hand and patting his knee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why are you looking at me like that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shifted in his seat, a cute rose coming to his cheeks making his freckles pop out.  “It’s nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It definitely looks like nothing,” Castiel agreed with a lift of the eyebrow.  He’d discovered that if he just waited long enough and stared Dean down, eventually the man would break and tell him anything he wanted to know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just, Serafina, that’s a pretty name.  Is it an Angel?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel paused, not anticipating this conversation. “Yes, well kind of, it means ‘fiery one’.  It’s a version of the word Seraph which is a class of angels.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize there were classes of angels.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Seraph’s have six wings and generally are represented as on fire.  They are fearsome warriors.  I always liked that for a girl’s name.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve thought about naming kids?” Dean tilts his head quickly, looking at Cas, before pulling into the driveway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure.  And you know, I have a lot of siblings and cousins.  Hanna already has 3 kids and she’s 3 years younger than me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They climbed out of the car, but Dean just crossed his arms on the top and looked over at Castiel. “You think about having kids someday?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas balked, not sure how to answer the question.  “I always assumed I would, one way or another, yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t mean like, your family and what they wanted, I mean you.  Do you want kids?  In the future?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel looked at the cabin and imagined life with little ones running around and Dean building them a treehouse. “Yeah, I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean knocked on the top of the car and nodded his head before stepping away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel followed behind, unsure if he’d said the wrong thing.  He knew he’d been vague, but it was the best he could do, and in all honesty, someday, having kids with Dean would be like a dream.  He got lost in his head thinking about growing up in a place like this, where he could have run free in the woods, playing with Garth.  Where he’d have been taught how to shoot a gun and fix a car, but also how to cook and dance and sing.  How different life could have been.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He changed his clothes still lost in thought and came out to the living room to find Dean and Garth gone.  Likely on a quick walk to get the wiggles out of the giant goof.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He settled down on the couch, not wanting to work on his sermon or thesis or look through emails right now, he was exhausted.  After last night and then so much socializing today, he was surprised he could still string together two sentences.  He pulled up Dean’s recently watched list and scrolled through until he found a Western that likely had nothing to do with exorcisms or demons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean and Garth returned, and Castiel was immediately greeted by the loveable hound with demands for head scritches and belly rubs.  The big guy even tried to stake out space for himself on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No way, that’s my spot,” Dean sat down and wrapped an arm around Castiel, pulling him close. “Hey, sorry if I made you feel, like, interrogated or something earlier.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas turned and looked at him, expectantly, taking in the sweetness of his playful green eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I kind of hope they don’t use Seraphina,” his voice came out in a low whisper.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’s that?” Castiel asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cause maybe, I don’t know, someday, we could.”  He coughed and his eyes darted around the room, refusing to make contact with Cas’s.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could feel the heat rising up his neck and flushing his cheeks to match Dean’s.  It was too early by any standards to think such things.  But Castiel couldn’t help the feeling of rightness at the idea or the intensity of his want.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, Dean took the remote and started Tombstone, mumbling something about this being a good choice.  A classic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Cas didn’t really hear any of the movie, he laid against Dean’s chest, listening to the steady, strong heartbeat beneath him, and closed his eyes, a wistful smile on his lips, daydreaming about someday maybes he’d probably never have, but what if, just this once, good things do happen.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. All The Chance I Need Is One-In-A-Million</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel gets through church and coffee hour with Dean as his support<br/>Eileen is pregnant!<br/>Dean and Cas discuss the future.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas,” Dean’s soft, dark voice broke through the warmth of his sleep.  “Come on, let’s go to bed.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s thick dark hair, massaging his scalp to pull him gently back to waking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, I’m good here,” Castiel wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist and snuggled in tighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean chuckled, running his hand over Castiel’s shoulder and arm, feeling the thick muscle that corded down his body.  Despite his generally easy demeanor, Cas was all hardness and tension.  He carried the weight of the world on in his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t even carry you if you keep me trapped like this.  You’re gonna have to get up like a big kid and get into bed.  And if some part of you wants a goodnight kiss, you’re gonna need to brush those teeth.”  Dean laughed again softly and pushed Castiel forward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a louder than required grumble, Castiel stood up and stretched, raising his arms up and arching his back.  His hips tilted forward as his shirt rose above the line of his belt, showing off a swath of tan skin that made Dean’s mouth water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Cas, that stretch was pure porn,” Dean said, his eyes directly at crotch level.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I…” Castiel backed away, shy and embarrassed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I know how to keep it in my pants,  I’m not gonna jump you, not without an invitation anyway” Dean stood and placed a chaste kiss on Castiel’s lips.  “Dibs on the bathroom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel changed into his sleeping pants, and left the shirt off the way he would if he lived alone, or was back at home.  This bravery game was harder than he expected, but he tried to keep himself focused not just on Dean, but on who he wanted to be: what kind of role model, what kind of man.  When he heard the bathroom door open, he went to wash his face, brush his teeth, and get ready for bed.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he came back he stood for a second in the hall, lingering, trapped between two rooms.  With his arms wrapped across his chest, he leaned against the entrance to Dean’s room.  The man sat in bed, reading glasses on, a thick paperback in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Cas smiled.  Dean was handsome by any standards, but with the glasses on he was downright breathtaking.  A little slice of nerd in the hot lumberjack look was an unexpected surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only for reading, or when I’m working on architectural plans.” Dean smiled and took the thin metal rimmed glasses off, setting them on the bedside table with his book.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel dropped his eyes “This is weird, right?  I should just go to my room like any other night.  Me sleeping in here again would be weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, in fairness, everything about you is a little weird.” Dean smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, goodnight,” Castiel pushed off the doorframe and uncrossed his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” Dean called, sitting up, and crossing his legs. “Why is it weird?  I mean, we’ve been dancing around each other for two months.  You seem to want to sleep in here, and I want you to.  I… I like it when you sleep here.  There doesn’t have to be any sexy-sexy pressure.  We can just sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel shuffled cutely for a moment and kept his eyes on the ground. “Okay, I just… you’re entitled to some personal space.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have what I need.” Dean shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stepped forward hesitantly and sat on the edge of what had quickly become his side of the bed and looked over at the man next to him. “This is frightening for me.” He admitted</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Dean placed a hand on his arm, his thumbs lightly rubbing his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The first night I was in here was after a date, it was… passionate, and last night was sweet--you took such good care of me.  But this feels different.  To be here just because I want to be close to you. I feel exposed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, we could make it passionate,” Dean waggled his eyebrows and earned himself a chuckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As appealing as that idea is.  I feel like we should still take that part of things slow.” Cas admitted looking at the careworn quilt covering Dean’s bed. “And I’m worried you will be unhappy about that as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already told you I don’t mind.” Dean leaned down to catch Castiel’s eyes. “I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, more than plenty.  What I want right now is you, we’ll get there.” He shrugged as if the topic they were discussing wasn’t the most earth-shattering idea in Castiel’s entire life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More than plenty, huh?” Castiel asked, giving Dean a playful side-eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More than enough to know it’s worth taking the time until the other person is ready and can be 100% there with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Cas blushed slightly, his hands picking at a stray thread.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t pick apart Nana Singer’s quilt,” Dean scolded before turning off his bedside light and snuggling under the covers. “Come on, climb in.”  He held the sheets back and waited, quietly, confidently, without any fear, or so it looked to Castiel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A deep breath in and Cas slid under the covers, settling on his side so he could look at Dean. His eyes raked over his face, memorizing everything about him so he could replay these moments in his mind for eternity. “I have enjoyed sleeping in here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s just because my mattress is awesome.  Memory foam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel chuckled, “Yes, that and the humm of Garth snoring.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The giant dog was settled in his bed in the living room but Dean left the door open and the sound carried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night, Cas.” Dean smiled in the moonlight, his hair sparking with blonde.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel rolled over, facing the wall, but Dean wrapped a strong arm around his waist and pulled him close, snuggling close against his back.  He felt as Dean nuzzled the hair at the back of his neck and took a deep inhale. “I could get used to this,” he whispered and placed a kiss on Castiel’s shoulder blade before wrapping his arm up around Cas’s chest and exhaling with a happy murmur.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stayed up for a while, feeling the warmth of Dean against his back and the slow droop of the heavy weight of his arm as he fell asleep.  It hung loosely around his middle and Dean’s feet had worked their way between Cas’s, like holding hands.  He listened to Dean’s deep breath and watched the moonlight dance against the wall thinking about what life in an Alternate Universe might be like.  One where his mere existence hadn’t damned him.  One where he didn’t have to be afraid, and where Dean didn’t have to be so worried he was going to hurt him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated that look in Dean’s eyes, like he’s expecting the next disaster at any moment, like he’s expecting the sky to fall.  He wondered if that was a look Dean ever held before meeting him.  Castiel was sure that his presence in Dean’s life wasn’t the great thing the man snuggled up behind him seemed to think, but that he was bringing chaos and danger.  He’d been away from home for too long.  He’d started to believe he deserved something like this.  But soon, he’d have to go back, and he couldn’t see any way out of it.  For now, at least, he had Hannah, but she couldn’t take care of his life forever.  He’d have to leave Dean and go back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Dean knew that.  He knew he’s scheduled to leave in September.  He knew it and still wanted this time with him.  So why ruin things now?  This would end, and he’d be alone, but at least he’d know this had existed, that he had been warm for that least a short time in his life...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel tried to settle his mind, slow his thoughts, and focus on the scratch of stubble against his shoulder blade.  Maybe wanting this wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.  Maybe someday, when it was safe, he could come back and Dean would understand.  He imagined that future, with warmth and light and a treehouse built by Dean, and fell asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning Castiel woke under the suffocating weight of a Deanopus.  Somehow, the larger man had managed to wedge one arm underneath him and wrap the other across his waist, pulling him into an awkward position on his back.  Dean’s head rested firmly on his shoulder, tilted up so his breath fluttered hot against Cas’s neck.  Their legs were so intertwined Cas wasn’t sure whose were on top or where they twisted together.  And somehow, this uncomfortable, impossible position, woke him in the best mood he thought he’d ever experienced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” he whispered, trying to wiggle the fingers of the arm trapped beneath Dean’s torso. “Dean,” he said again, using his one free hand to paint the contours of the other man’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘M warm,” Dean mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, because it’s July, you refuse to turn on the air conditioning, and you’re using me like a personal heater.” Castiel’s voice was quiet so as not to startle him awake, soft and amused.  He felt the rumble in his chest as he whispered more encouraging words to get Dean to wake up and release him from his strong hold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hey, sorry man,” Dean said, wiping the drool from his chin.  Then looking horrified as he wiped at Castiel’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you slept well,” Cas raised an eyebrow, causing Dean to sit up and curl his legs under him. “No, don’t go.  I didn’t mean to tease.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled at Dean’s arm, earning a defiant little pout before he succumbed to the plea and lay back down next to Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel wound his arms around Dean’s neck and gave him a soft peck on the lips, smiling into those impossible eyes. “It’s just hard to wake you with a kiss when you have all my appendages pinned.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sleeping beauty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The depth of your snoring would disagree.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do not!” Dean protested. “That was Garth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the sound of his name, the sleepy Giant stretched and groaned in the living room before plodding in to make sure Dean remembered to let him out with a boop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay here,” Dean commanded, getting up and stretching in his pajama pants.  He let Garth out the front door, leaving it open to fresh air and so the mutt could make his way back in when he was ready, and poured two mugs of coffee from the coffee maker he’d set on a timer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, you might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Castiel sighed, reaching for his mug with wiggling fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean preened for a moment before Cas raised an eyebrow at him.  “I meant the coffee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, that was brutal!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laughed and settled back in bed, spending a lazy morning just talking and snuggling.  Garth eventually came in and laid on the floor on Castiel’s side of the bed, occasionally peeking his head up over the mattress to beg for ear scratches.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Castiel finally dragged himself away to go to the church office he was met by a scowling Michael.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good Morning,” Castiel greeted him, his standard-issue church smile on his face.  He felt relaxed, ready to start the week, and excited about his sermon this Sunday.  He’d made good headway on it and itched to sit down and start hashing it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have some things to discuss,” Michael frowned and led the way to his office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel could feel the tension rolling off him, gripping him by the nervous system and electrocuting him from the inside.  In his time here so far, Michael had wanted relatively little to do with him.  Letting him run programs Michael took credit for and do his research uninhibited.  Despite his desperate hopes to the contrary, he was sure this had something to do with his sexuality,  Had Duma felt the need to confide in her minister.  It would certainly be within her right, he hadn’t asked her to keep it a secret, but somehow it felt like a betrayal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael did not give Castiel any feelings of safety.  Quite the opposite.  He made him feel the same foreboding about church he did at home, a feeling he was dedicating his life to removing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In his office, Michael sat down and handed over a file labeled “Mary’s House.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel took it, quirked his head, and thumbed through the grand and fund use proposal, taking special note of the flagged items.  As he read, his spirits soared, everything looked perfect, just how he’d wanted it.  A caveat that the home would be single sex to begin with until proper separation could be set up seemed conservative but within reason.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he saw it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mary’s House will not service members of the self-proclaimed LGTBQ community for fear of harboring and supporting their perversions.  The threat of this influence on other house members and the church community at large is too great to allow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel set the file down and looked at Michael, the man’s smug face becoming uglier by the second in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is what the board approved?” Castiel asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The board doesn’t approve church programs, they approved the funding match in the budget, the rest is left to ministerial discretion.” Michael leaned back in his chair and stared hard at Castiel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t be serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those whose choices go against the church’s teachings will not be housed under its roof.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”  Castiel fisted his hands.  A lifetime of repression and self-hatred surging to the forefront of his mind.  He had dedicated himself to not allowing this to happen to anyone else and now the church he had come to love as his own was going to mandate bigotry?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do not quote scripture to me, Castiel.” Michael sneered. “You take what you want to hear and twist it to your will.  God has a plan and our obedience to his plan is faith in action.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Obedience.  The word had been thrown in his face over and over.  That he needed to obey, to submit.  That it was God’s will.  But now he knew better, now he’d studied and searched and prayed and received revelation of his own.  Eve’s sin wasn’t that she didn’t obey.  Eve’s sin wasn’t even a sin, it was a choice.  The very thing that God had given humans to separate them from the angels.  Eve flexed her free will and accepted the consequences.  Castiel had no interest in blindly obeying, he’d rather take on Eve’s mantle and search for truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will quote scripture anytime it seems someone has forgotten the meaning of the Word.  There is no need for this caveat.  It only serves to put the most vulnerable amongst us further into harm's way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s face hardened.  His dark skin reddening and his eyes hard. “There would be no risk were they to repent their sin and conform to God's law.  This project of yours will not become a modern Sodom and Gomorrah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stood and placed the file on the desk calmly, refusing to betray the tempest blowing within his heart. “Interesting you should use that example since Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed for lacking hospitality to angels in the guise of strangers, not for anything to do with sexuality.  I suggest you consider learning more about the bible you claim to uphold. I’ll be taking this to the board.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine,” Michael placed his fingertips together in a triangle over his desk.  “They meet again in October.  You’re welcome to make your position heard then, in person.  That won’t be a problem for your schedule, will it?” Michael sneered smugly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this personal?” Cas asked, placing his hands on the back of his chair to keep them from shaking. “Are you doing this to my project because I’m gay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael raised a slow eyebrow. “Are you, now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest.  Anger and fear mixed together, his words tumbling from his lips without caution.  It was like now that he had tasted freedom there seemed to be no limit to what he could achieve.  “It’s not a secret, and there’s nothing in the arrangement you have with the school stating that you don’t accept homosexual interns, probably because that would border on illegal, but none-the-less my question stands.  Is this some kind of misguided retaliation?  It’s childish.  We are men of God, we should be above this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s face turned dark, his brown eyes stormy. “I am a man of God.  You are an abomination.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel scowled, hardened his jaw, and narrowed his eyes. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get out,” Michael rose from his seat in a fluid motion.  “That’s enough of this nonsense.  You’re fired.  I’ll contact the seminary this afternoon and let them know your position has been revoked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t!  My sermon is this Sunday.” Castiel hated the whine in his voice, but he hadn’t expected this, he’d allowed himself to be blinded by his own pride.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Consider it canceled. Go back to your den of iniquity with Dean Winchester and the other perverts of this town.  You’re done at this church.” Michael picked up the Mary’s House folder and tucked it under his arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel gripped the chair back hard enough for the wood to make a cracking sound before turning and storming out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside he climbed in his truck.  His breath came in fast sharp inhales and he felt like he couldn’t get enough.  Spots flashed in front of his eyes and he wanted to throw-up or lay down in the middle of the road and just wait for someone to flatten his body the same way Michael had crushed his heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, he took a deep breath and with shaking hands punched out a text to Dean: </span>
  <b>What’s Sam’s number?  I need his help.</b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all so much for the comments, they mean so much to me.  This story has sprung from my head, demanding to be told, and I'm beyond grateful that you are enjoying it as well.</p><p>I AM a little surprised no one caught the great big teasers in Chapter 15 though, or at least you didn't say anything.  Anyone have any guesses?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. It Was My Work That Kept Me Upright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Michael showed his true colors by firing Cas and making Mary's House a no LGTBQ program</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>DEAN:</b>
  <span> Sure, hold on, I’ll forward you his contact.  Are you okay?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>CASTIEL: </b>
  <span>I’ll tell you about it later. I need to make some calls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>DEAN: </b>
  <span>Ok, Now you’re worrying me.  Did something happen at the church?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>CASTIEL: </b>
  <span>I don’t have time to explain.  Can I just have Sam’s number?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(o o o)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>DEAN: </b>
  <em>
    <span>Samantha Winchester Contact Card</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel clicked on the link and waited for it to open when another text came in from Dean.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>DEAN: </b>
  <span>Sorry I bothered you. I guess we’ll talk later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Castiel punched his steering wheel and then lowered his head to press against the dry, cracked leather.  He should text Dean, explain at least a little, but it all felt so big.  He couldn’t get the words out yet or believe this is happening. In one sentence Michale had taken everything away from him, his future, his career, his project. The vacant abyss of what next whirled just below him and the idea of trying to talk all that through with Dean was too much.  He wouldn’t be able to keep himself calm.  And right now he needed to do something so the thick black tendrils of hopelessness and depression didn’t get a chance to wrap themselves around his heart.  He needed to do something before he gave up.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So instead, he selected Sam’s cell number.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello?” Sam answered, probably unsure who was on the other end of the unfamiliar number.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, Sam.  It’s Castiel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, hey man, what’s going on?” Sam sounded as friendly and cheerful in the middle of his workday as he did on movie night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have a problem.  The church is… I’ve been fired and my project, Mary’s House, it’s…” Castiel couldn’t finish the words, tears finally coming to his eyes and closing his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, hey, slow down.  How can I help?” Sam soothed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I need a lawyer.  I know you aren’t one, but can you help me?  I… I don’t know if you do pro-bono work at your firm, but I don’t know anyone else.  I can try to find some money if--” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“--don’t even worry about that,” Sam cut him off mid-sentence.  “Come into the office, and we’ll have you sign paperwork to make you an official client. Then you’ll have some protection and rights like privilege.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Castiel asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Attorney-Client Privilege.  If I work on your case, anything we talk about can’t be subpoenaed to testify about, same with anyone else at the firm.  Once you’re set-up, you can tell me everything, and we’ll get it sorted out.  Don’t worry. You’re going to be okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam, I don’t.  If I fail this internship, I have to go back home.” The last words come out in a strangled whisper.  “I knew I’d have to, but now… I.  I don’t know what to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span> home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and nodded before choking out a “yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, buddy.  It’s alright.  I’m going to text you my office address and you come right here.  We’ll sign some paperwork and order lunch, and you can tell me everything.  If we need one of the attorneys to weigh in or give us advice, we can do that too.  Okay?  We’ll make a plan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, okay.  Thank you, Sam.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want Dean here?” Sam asked in his sweet, straightforward way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shook his head, new tears falling. “Not yet.  And” Cas paused, terrified of the next step,” you can’t tell him anything I tell you under the privilege thing, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s frown was almost audible. “No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, then.” Castiel took a deep breath and dove into the freezing water so he could swim out of the frozen place his heart lived and try to come ashore.  “Do you have anyone who might be able to help us with family law?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At Sam’s office, the secretary recognized his name immediately.  She was sweet with deep auburn hair and an easy smile.  Castiel wished he had been nicer to her, but he barely managed to get his own name out before she bustled him back into a small conference room and offered him a drink.  He declined and sat, hands folded on his lap, his computer bag next to him, and his body vacillating between dehydrating via sweat or tears.  Eventually, she returned with what she referred to as the standard paperwork for him to sign.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He filled it all out, giving all his information and pulling out his driver’s license for them to photocopy.  And then he got to the end and froze.  The payment scale and guarantee of collection left him in shock.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was when he really looked at the room he sat in.  The plush leather couch along one wall, the marble counter with cabinets, and a sink along another.  The walls were covered with abstract art and crown molding lined the room One entire wall was made of glass looking out over downtown Sioux Falls.  This was not some rinky-dink little country law firm.  The hourly rate alone proved that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no way he could afford this.  He probably couldn’t even afford the time he’d wasted with the receptionist.  He started to stand and grab his license when Sam walked in.  Tall and broad in a navy suit with a green shirt and lighter blue tie, he was the image of an attractive young professional.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas… you leaving?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This was a mistake.  I’m sorry.  I should just call the school and handle this on my own, and the other situation will just have to work out somehow.  I’ll figure it out, I can’t...” he gestured vaguely to the room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, hey,” Sam put a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Breathe.  Come on, let’s sit you down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam guided him onto the low couch and sat with a firm hand on his shoulder for a few moments.  Once Castiel stopped shaking, Sam went to the counter and grabbed one of the cokes sitting there and opened it.  He poured it into a fancy carved glass and brought it to Cas.  “The sugar will be good for you. Drink a little, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was right. Of course, Castiel did feel better with a little sugar and a few calm minutes with Sam.  But as soon as he wasn’t freaking out about paying a lawyer, everything else in his life came crashing down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Am I going to owe you like $75 for this coke now?” Castiel tried and failed to make a joke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that what this is about?  Are you worried about paying me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, I wouldn’t ask you to work for free.  I just don’t think I can afford the kind of hourly rates on that guarantee form.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, I didn’t even think about you seeing that. I’m sorry, Cas, I should have met you when you got here, but I got pulled into this research thing and had to find a file for--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, Sam, it’s fine.  I.  I can just go and try to handle this on my own. There probably isn’t anything you can do anyway.” Castiel tried to stand again but Sam glared at him. “I’ll just call the school tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, will you please stop talking?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel did a double-take, looking at Sam’s smiling voice. “I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, just listen.  You don’t have to pay any fees.  You’re not going to owe anything.  Whatever you need, I’m here to help. And calling the school yourself probably is a good idea, but we need to have a plan so you know what to say and what to ask.  I can be as involved as you want, just helping you brainstorm or I can call them for you, okay?  But either way it’s not going to cost you a thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s an unreasonably generous offer.” Castiel frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really have no idea, do you?” Sam shook his head and rolled his eyes while muttering his brother’s name. “Dean’s never told you what he does, has he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um yeah, he works as a mechanic at Bobby’s shop two days a week and otherwise makes custom furniture and tries to sell some original designs when he can.  But I mean, that can’t be much.  He wouldn’t take in a boarder in that tiny cabin if he didn’t need the rent.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know what Bobby did for us, right?  And knowing Dean, do you think he really took you in because he needs money?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I, I guess not, but I don’t understand.” Cas settled his hands back in his lap, feeling so alone and out of place.  He couldn’t even navigate this conversation, let alone how to fight back against Michael. How was he ever going to make things right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam took out his phone and quickly pulled up a website. “Okay, so this is Singer Autobody.  It’s a good shop and has a scrap yard and Bobby does pretty well, considering.  But do you see that star rating, 10 out of 10?  Right above that, there’s a modest little button for Singer Restorations.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>This </span>
  </em>
  <span>is what Dean does at the shop.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam taps the icon and hands his phone to Cas.  It loads slowly, but the first thing he sees is Dean’s beautiful smile next to a gleaming Baby.  He scrolls down and finds picture after picture of classic American muscle cars in pristine condition.  They are all sleek and bright and sexy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean did all these?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, he has a client list a mile long.  We have one car in storage that someone actually shipped here from California.  It’s been sitting waiting for Dean to get to it for ten months already and the owner doesn’t seem to care how long he has to wait.  Dean could work seven days a week and never catch up with the demand for custom restorations.  He’s one of the top mechanics in the country.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow.” Cas breathes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam took the phone back and pulled up another website. When Castiel took it in his hand, he saw the name Winchester Designs at the top and then categories for inventory or custom work.  He clicked on tables and saw one that reminded him of Dean’s newest commission. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s doing a mosaic table right now.  I don’t know if it will look like this, but these are amazing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas,” Sam turned to look at him seriously, “Dean doesn’t tell people because he doesn’t want anyone treating him differently, but that table is worth twenty-thousand dollars.  Between the high-end restorations and custom woodwork, my brother’s loaded.  When Jess and I moved here after college, he bought us a house.  And I don’t mean he took out a mortgage or co-signed a loan.  I mean, he wrote a check for an entire house and I have no student loans, none, he paid for all of it.  He’s a low-key guy, but money isn’t something he has to worry about and he’s been generous enough that it’s not something Bobby or I have to worry about either.  So if you need help, it’s yours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t…” Castiel was at a loss for words.  How could these people be real?  How could people exist who were so kind and generous and giving?  What kind of world could this be if more people were like the Winchesters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not telling you all this just to brag about Dean.  He’s awesome, but he’s also pretty big on paying it forward.  This isn’t charity.  This is how I was raised.” Sam stood and scribbled something on the guarantee paperwork and handed it to Castiel. “If it makes you feel better, now it’s in writing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pro-Bono was written across the fees section.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I only need you to sign so it’s official.  Not so I can try to get your last dollar.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas took the pen Sam held out and signed, preparing to tell the younger man more about himself than he’s ever said out loud before to anyone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam grabbed a legal pad and a pen and settled on one end of the couch patiently. “So you were fired.  Do you think it was wrongful termination?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure that applies to a religious organization.  I was fired immediately after confirming I am gay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck Cas,” Sam leaned forward in shock and then started jotting down notes and asking questions about the circumstances.  When they talked through Michael’s changes to the Mary’s House project, Sam was again horrified and began rattling off names of people they could contact to help, even if it’s not through the courts.  Cas gave him the names of all the church board members and Sam planned to make some calls, especially to Bobby, who knows everything about everyone in Sioux Falls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So it’s okay for me to talk to Bobby about all this?” Sam confirmed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, and Eileen, and Dean.  Whoever.  This can all be public knowledge.  In fact, I want it to be public knowledge that I’m fighting Michael on this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree, public perception can go a long way in getting these kinds of decisions reversed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded and sighed. He’s exhausted, but there’s so much more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My internship is a requirement for my seminary program.  If I fail this, I’ll be removed from the program and have to reapply.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t just do another internship?” Sam cocked his head like a puppy and Cas is suddenly reminded how much younger he is.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Officially no.  Because of these circumstances, I’m going to put a call into my advisor and see if I can’t petition for an exception, but there’s no way of knowing where they will send me or when.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So not everyone does their internship over the summer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, no.” Castiel rubbed his palms on his pant legs as the harder topics loomed closer. “Most people write their thesis at the same time as doing their internship.  The internship is six months and other than that, they can do whatever they want and live wherever they want as long as they meet their thesis deadlines.  Because this was a summer internship and I was going to help set up programs, not just help run them, I had a four-month internship approved, and then I was going to go home to write my thesis.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Home?” Sam said hesitantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand your reaction, but I have my reasons.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I’d like to hear about them if you’re willing, but let’s talk through school first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After another hour of talking, Sam has put together a list of people for each of them to contact at the school and the community.  What kind of documents they needed from whom, and what kind of documents Castiel might need to provide, such as his transcript from college and seminary, the script of his sermon even though he couldn’t give it, grant proposals he’d written.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, in addition to all this, it sounds like you were planning on going back to Massachusetts in September anyway, but now you don’t want to.” Sam phrases the question so casually, so kindly. It’s easy to forget that everything that comes next has been under lock and key, buried at the bottom of the frozen lake in his heart for years.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you saw me freak out over just a movie; you can only imagine what living there is like.” Cas picked at his cuticles and stared at the wall across from them. “This is, this is the part that I don’t want shared, okay Sam?  I am from a dangerous place, with dangerous people, and I can’t risk anyone getting hurt.” He looked up imploringly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam nodded and set his lips in a thin line. “Is not going back an option?  You could stay here, we’d all love for you to stay here, but if not, there’s a lot of country out there.  Or you could go back to the school.  I’m sure some people live on campus while writing their thesis.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel nodded, his eyes full of water, “You see, I have responsibilities.  Obligations. I thought I had another year to get everything together, to figure it all out.  And I’d be there to make sure it all went okay. Getting my Masters in Divinity was sold to my family as a way to come back and legitimize their church, but it was really a way for me to get out, find a job, and establish credit.  I didn’t even have a social security number or birth certificate until I went to college and had to petition the courts to get them.  But now I have a college degree and was supposed to have a master’s and options that would make it possible for me to…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But Cas, I don’t understand.  You could leave now without the Masters.  You still have a college degree and credit and all that stuff now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, but I don’t have my son and I have to get him out of there.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. A Feral Little Secret Scratching At You With Its Claws</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Cas meets with Sam about getting fired, Mary's House and... his son.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Cas pulled up in front of the cabin, Garth was out the front door barking before he even turned off the ignition.  Dean stood in the doorway, a wary look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas wanted to freeze the moment.  Stay in the before now a little longer.  Before he has to face losing his purpose, losing Mary’s House, the reality of leaving this new home he’s made behind.  Because once he tells Dean, then it will actually be real.  Until then, he could pretend a little longer.  But as he sat in the car and the seconds ticked by, Dean’s frown deepened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How much does he tell him? Sam knows everything now.  It’s almost August.  He’s running out of time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opened the door, Garth stopped mid lunge, somehow remembering not to put his paws on people outside.  The giant mutt wiggled around Castiel’s legs and nuzzled his hip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pet Garth with one hand while pulling his computer bag over his other shoulder. “All right, big guy.  Let me get inside and change, and I promise to play.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about me?” Dean pushed off the doorframe. “Will you play with me too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel saw the worry in Dean’s strained smile. “Always,” he walked closer and placed a simple kiss on Dean’s stubbled cheek. “And I know I haven’t been fair, texting you like that and then not calling or anything.  It’s been… a trying day.  Can I fill you in over dinner?  Pizza?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grunted and shuffled his feet before nodding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas swept past him and went straight to his room.  He slipped into a pair of cotton yoga pants and one of Dean’s long sleeve shirts that had ended up in his laundry and sat on his bed with his head in his hands for five, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>then four, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>then three, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>then two, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>then one breath.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood and walked out to find Dean on the phone ordering food, so he laid on the living room floor, scratching a wiggling Garth’s chest and belly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You big goof,” he said, grabbing Garth’s snoot and giving him a kiss.  He scratched the side of his chest, making one of his dangerously large back paws twitch.  Garth rolled toward him, booping Cas with his snoot in the arm and mouthing at the fabric of his shirt, so Castiel used both hands and gave him a nice sturdy ear rub.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean came and sat on the coffee table behind him and ruffled his hair in the same way he was doing to Garth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I’m people,” Castiel laughed softly before sitting back between Dean’s legs.  He leaned against him and rested his head on Dean’s thigh.  Garth settled his own noggin on Castiel’s leg to be absently scratched.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s shaggy hair, wild and in need of a cut. “You gonna fill me in on the day, or just leave me to worry myself to death?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s words were meant as a joke, but his voice cracked softly, more forceful than any kind of humor would allow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course, I’m sorry about that.  It wasn’t my intention to make you upset.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, that’s not important.” Dean hedged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is, though,” Cas tilted his head up and looked into Dean’s eyes, crinkled with worry. “The day was so horrible, Dean.  Everything…  It was all I could do to keep breathing and moving forward without falling apart completely, and if I heard your voice, I was afraid I was going to just start to cry and never stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tears welled up then.  Tears Castiel had managed to keep inside, even through the hours of grueling conversation with Sam, even talking to Michael.  Now they rose, unbidden, and threatened to overtake him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sniffed and shook his head, wiping the heels of his hands against his eyes.  If he didn’t say what he needed to now, he might never get the words out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael fired me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kind of guessed that much.  How come?” Dean resumed stroking Cas’s hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mary’s House.  The board approved the proposal, and the funding was secured, but at the last minute, Michael added a no LGTBQ residents permitted clause in the bylaws, and I got angry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That motherfucker! That’s your fucking project and he’s going to turn it into some Salvation Army No Trannys Allowed bullshit?” Dean yelled and stood up, practically knocking Castiel over.  He paced the room, fisting his hands. “So that’s why you needed Sam, there’s got to be some way to sue that asshat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas frowned and pulled his knees up to his chest, missing the closeness of Dean. “We’re going to see.  It’s a religious institution, so there aren’t as many protections for Queer people, but we might be able to apply some pressure and social embarrassment at least.  Sam’s got some good ideas and contacts.  He was a tremendous help.  Without him, I’d be completely hopeless.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad,” Dean ran a hand through his hair.  “I just wish there was something I could do. I would have come and met you in town, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded but let the offer sit between them, ignored. “Well, Sam isn’t charging me for working on this.  Apparently, he sees helping me as some kind of pay it forward for everything you do for him.” Cas raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean ran a hand through his hair. “Oh. yeah, well, you know, he’s my kid brother, so taking care of him was my job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, he showed me the restoration website and the furniture design.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blushed and walked across the small living room to grab a beer for each of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did,” Dean shrugged and passed Castiel his beer. “I work on cars and I make furniture.  I’m lucky. I get to do work I enjoy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of sitting with Cas, he flopped on the couch and waved the other man over to join him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It appears It's a little more involved than that.  You never talk about what you’re working on, I thought it was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>work</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it seems like you’re one of those rare souls who get to do what you love.” Castiel moves to sit next to Dean and nuzzles into the arm offered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never really asked.” Dean shrugged again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sat up and turned his direction, “You know what, you’re right.  I’m sorry.  Now that I’m unemployed, would you show me more about what you do?  Maybe I could come to the garage with you one day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uggh, I can’t believe you’re unemployed.  What are you going to do? Just go back to school?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Castiel’s turn to shrug and move slightly away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sat infuriatingly patient and attentive, waiting for Castiel to speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I fail my internship, I’ll have to leave seminary.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  That’s insane.  This isn’t your fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded. “Yeah, it’s not a common situation, I have a lot of calls to make tomorrow and Sam has some ideas on how to pitch it to the administration to get partial credit or do a different internship, but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I am allowed to start over, they could send me anywhere,” Castiel looks down between them. “And if they don’t, I’ll have to go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean says nothing, but every muscle in his body tenses, and the air around him seems to vibrate, the atoms clashing together and heating up the space. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” He finally says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t let you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t exactly stop me,” Cas shifts back and looks at Dean. “You knew this was coming, eventually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re supposed to have another month and a half for me to convince you to stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have obligations I--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s NOTHING that can be that important.  NOTHING worth going back to that place for.” Dean yells, and his warm eyes turned cold and cruel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel winced and pulled away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garth began barking and Dean stood to get the door for the pizza man.  He paid, not even offering the man a smile or a thank you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel watched as he methodically got out plates.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t go,” Dean looked at Cas when he handed over the plate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk about this later?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean set down his plate and shook his head. “No, you can’t.  I need you.  You just stepped into my life; I’m not letting you go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not fair, Dean.  You knew I was leaving.  I’ve told you before anything started between us that I would have to go after the summer. I have obligations I need to return to.  Just by staying away for the summer, it’s the longest I’ve ever been gone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can do whatever you need to from here.  Zoom works great,” Dean smiled sadly. “You can write, or work, or whatever, we’ll figure it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean…” Castiel said with exasperation, running a hand through his hair. “Can you please, for once, just do as I’ve asked?  I don’t want to talk about this anymore today.  This has been a horrible day and the last thing I want to do is fight with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” Dean slapped two slices of pizza on his plate and settled down on his couch.  He flipped on the television and pulled up Netflix so they could finish watching the last episode of The Repair Shop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sighed and shook his head.  Selfishly, this is not the evening he needed.  This was not the calm respite his heart required.  He’d hoped to find it in Dean, but as hard as this situation was on him, Dean didn’t have the luxury of truly understanding why Cas made the decisions he did.  But to tell him would be to put him in harm's way.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Ishim found out where he was and came after him, if he ever found out his actual plans, it would all be over. And if Ishim found out he’d told anyone the whole story, he wasn’t the only one who would bear the punishment.  He had to live like it was the worst-case scenario.  Because if he had to go back and live on the compound for the rest of his life, it would be easier to survive if he never allowed himself to believe it could be otherwise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he chewed his pizza, and he stole glances at Dean, and he let his feelings bifurcate.  Part of him that would stay here forever and live this life of free will, and part of him that will return home when required and stay for as long as necessary without question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After most of an episode and another helping of pizza, Dean put his plate down and turned to Castiel. “Look, I’m sorry.” He ran his hand down his face before leaning against the back of the couch, the day’s stubble giving him a slight shadow along his jaw. “I’m being unfair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you are.” Castiel set his plate on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we at least talk about this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, I’m so talked out.  I’m exhausted.  All my plans are in the trash. My </span>
  <em>
    <span>life</span>
  </em>
  <span> is in the trash.  I have no idea if by the end of the day tomorrow, I’ll be packing my things to go home or settling into a new internship in God knows where, or staying here.  I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>no idea</span>
  </em>
  <span> but I can’t do anything about it now.” Cas stood up and started pacing. “I can’t do anything.  I’m completely at the mercy of other people and the only person who I know is on my side is Sam.  And I really thought you were too, but all you’ve done since I got home is interrogate me and try to get me to do what you want, just like everyone else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean flinched. “You’re right.”  He stood and placed his hands on Cas’s biceps, “What do you need?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And at that, the dam broke.  All his fears, all his certainty that he would never be allowed to have this, broke through.  He collapsed against Dean’s strong arms as the other man ran a hand up and down his back, holding him tight as he sobbed against his shoulder.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Cas’s tears had run out, they sat together, snuggled tight, watching television and avoiding the difficult topic of their lives altogether.  When Dean got up to use the bathroom, Castiel dared to check his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Sam:</b>
  <span> When you have time to sit and think, check your email.  I have the beginning of a plan and some things I need from you.  All of it can wait until tomorrow. I just wanted you to know we’ve got this.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Castiel:</b>
  <span> Thank you.  I will check and call you in the morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas went to set the phone back, but a reply came quickly from Sam.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Sam: </b>
  <span>No problem.  Try and get some sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dean didn’t return immediately, he checked to see if there were others, quickly responding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Duma:</b>
  <span> I quit the Church Office today when I heard what happened.  Call me when you can and let me know how I can help.  This isn’t okay.  I know we’re not close right now, but you’re still my friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Castiel: </b>
  <span>You didn’t need to do that, Duma, but I am touched by your support.  I’m blessed to call you my friend.  You are and have always been important to me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Eileen:</b>
  <span> I just heard about what happened.  You should know, I have access to C4.  Don’t ask me how.  I’m also pretty skilled with a Machete.  Let me take you to lunch tomorrow and we will begin planning our massacre.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Castiel:</b>
  <span> I’m not sure you should put things like that in writing, but I appreciate the sentiment.  I will text you tomorrow.  I don’t know about lunch, but we’ll play it by ear if that’s okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The list of texts went on, from his circle of Dean’s friends to parishioners at the church to people in town he’d simply come to know while living here.  And then he got to the last one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Bobby:</b>
  <span> Son, we hope you’ll still make it for dinner on Saturday night, but if you have other things you need to take care of, we understand.  We are all in your corner.  Don’t let that boy of mine nag you too much. He gets a little OCD when he’s upset, but it’s only because he cares.  Give a call if we can do anything.  I already talked to Sam and got some feelers out for you.  We love ya.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Castiel:</b>
  <span> Thank you isn’t a big enough word.  I hope to be there on Saturday, but I appreciate your understanding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean came back from the bathroom, his phone in his hands. “Did you check your texts?  I think I have one from every single person I know.”  He looked up and saw the raw emotion in Cas’s eyes and rushed to his side.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?  What happened now?” Dean ran a hand over Cas’s thigh, his touch firm and comforting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never known such kindness.” He looked up at Dean and gestured with his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean took his face between his hands. “You deserve every bit of it.  All of it.  You deserve everything,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean kissed him with confident passion, pulling them closer and making no effort to reign in the emotion that passed between them.  It was too soon, too fast for either of them to feel like this, but as their grips tightened and their lips danced, they both knew it was real.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s lips pressed against Dean’s soft kiss, drinking in the emotion freely offered. When he reached out with his tongue, Cas accepted it gratefully, returning it with everything he could.  The taste of Dean in this beautiful cabin, in their little life, in the darkness, was too good to be true.  It was the stuff of fairytales. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he could let his mind drift to darker thoughts, Dean pressed against him, pushing him gently back on the couch that was too small to hold two grown men.  He settled easily between Castiel’s legs and kissed him with one hand fisted in his hair and the other cradling his face.  It was insistent, needy, and so gentle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel wrapped a leg over the other man, tilting his hips up so their groins came into contact, bringing a beautiful moan from Dean’s lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, Cas,” he whispered against Castiel’s neck, placing gentle kisses along the muscle.  Heat spreading from his lips through his entire body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel slipped his hands under Dean’s shirt and arced his neck to give more access to his sensitive skin.  His fingers roamed Dean’s soft flesh, gripping tightly and then moving gently across ticklish ribs, exploring and experimenting with touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dean thrust down against Cas’s erection, bringing one knee up higher to force Cas to lift his legs around Dean’s waist, he swore and bit down on Cas’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This, off,” Dean commanded, pulling up to his knees and yanking at the hem of Castiel’s shirt. “Hey, that’s mine!” He laughed for a moment, fondness twinkling in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel shrugged and sat up, pulling the shirt over his head only to find himself with two handfuls of Dean sitting in his lap.  Dean straddled him and leaned in.  They kissed, nipping on each other's lips.  Cas sucked on Dean’s tongue, pulling a sound so lewd from the other man he rocked his hips up, seeking friction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Cas,” Dean moaned, pulling away long enough to give Castiel time to dip his tongue into the groove of his collarbone, licking and mouthing with gentle suction to Dean’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their hands didn’t still for a moment, Cas holding Dean in a tight grip, keeping him in place so his hips could rock up against Dean’s ass.  Dean leaned back, trusting Castiel’s strength to hold him up.  He gripped Cas’s shoulder, leaving his other hand still grasping and pulling at his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas leaned forward, licking Dean’s nipple into his mouth, the brownish-pink nub hardening as he suckled and licked.  He teased, giving soft bites with his lips hiding his teeth, drawing out the sensation until Dean was writhing, bucking against Castiel’s stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, I, fuck, Cas,” Dean panted before pulling him in for another kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean?” Castiel looked him deep in the eyes, blue falling into green.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think, less clothes.  Okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel smirked, gripped Dean tightly, and stood up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean absolutely did not squeal at the movement.  And if anyone says he did, he’ll kill them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he did cling to Cas, kissing his neck and cheek as he was carried into the bedroom and thrown down on the mattress like some kind of wanton lady of the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” he breathed, eyes nearly black with need.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmmmm,” Cas replied before pulling off his yoga pants and underwear.  He crawled up over Dean, who was frozen, stunned still by the gorgeous man he still couldn’t believe was his. Those green eyes stealing his breath. Cas undid his belt buckle and zipper before pulling Dean’s remaining clothing down.  He moved slowly, kissing each part of Dean’s body he revealed as he went.  His hipbone, the divet just below the waist, the tip of Dean’s cock, his upper thigh, and then the other upper thigh... At the base of Dean’s cock he wrapped his lips around it, sucking lightly, massaging the pulsing thickness with his tongue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel inhaled.  He smelled so right.  So </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dean</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean gasped when Cas ran his tongue over his balls, sliding between them and then sucking one gently into his mouth, releasing it with a soft nip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, that’s enough,” Dean sat up and practically knocked Cas over as he shoved his jeans the rest of the way off. “Get the fuck up here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel laughed, feeling free and light for the first time all day as Dean manhandled him onto the bed.  They kissed and smiled and laughed and stroked and nibbled and licked for what felt like hours, just touching and enjoying each new sound the other made.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel laid on top of Dean, his knees pushed forward so Dean’s legs wrapped perfectly around his hips, like that’s how they were meant to fit.  He kissed the blissed man beneath him, his cock wedged between the bed and Dean’s ass.  He wiped the sweat from Dean’s brow, placing kisses against his lips sweetly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pushed himself up against Castiels’s stomach, his cock rubbing against Cas’s skin.  Could you feel serene and desperate at the same time?  If it was possible, Castiel was there now.  He was in a trancelike state of heavenly need that drove him insane and stilled his soul.  As they moved, the head of Cas’s cock brushed against Dean’s puckered hole.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean moaned, pulling himself higher, angling his hips so Cas would press right against him with the next thrust.  The slick of Castiel’s precum let his cock rub against Dean, teasingly sweet and gentle against a body combusting with need.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kissed Cas and placed a hand on his cheek. “Make love to me, Cas.  Be with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stopped moving, his eyes wide as he looked down at the adoration in Dean’s face.  “We can’t.  There’s too much we don’t know.  What if I have to leave?  I don’t think I could leave you after…” Panic flashed across Cas’s face and Dean reached out for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean smiled, pushing the hair from Cas’s forehead. “That’s okay. Fuck, I’m sorry, Cas.  I told you I would wait, and I will.  Until you’re sure.  Just know I want to be with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas crumbled against Dean, his body pushing him into the mattress with the weight of his regret. “I want to be with you, too,” he whispered it like a prayer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean kissed his temple and wrapped his arms around the man who had succumbed to his sadness on top of him.  The bittersweet change from passion to loving support came naturally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Cas.  You’re good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Dean,” he lifted his head, blue eyes full of tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t.” Castiel shook his head. “I’m sorry I ruined the night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t,” he kissed Cas’s hair over and over, running his hands over his muscular back, feeling him sink into relaxation.  He held on, stroking the other man’s face and arms, murmuring his affection and desire between kisses, until Cas looked up at him and with a sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are so sweet to me,” he breathed, kissing Dean softly.  He pressed warm lips to Dean’s again and again before nibbling on his bottom lip. “So sweet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel tasted Dean’s neck, sucking on the spicy-sweet taste of sweat and desire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, you don’t have to prove anything,” Dean said, kissing Castiel’s hair, his hands soft and gentle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that.” Castiel pulled back and looked right into the green depths of Dean’s eyes. Without another word, he kissed Dean again, slow and deep, wrapping both arms under and around the man below him.  He rolled them to their sides, face to face.  When Castiel dug his hands into Dean’s hair, pulling slightly and tipping his head back so Cas could suck and bite on his neck, Dean pushed forward, his cock now pressing directly against Castiel’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s dangerous,” Dean moaned against Castiel’s lips, “how much I feel for you, it’s like working without a net.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel silenced them both with a bruising kiss.  Afraid of how close to the truth Dean’s words landed and what would happen if he let his hold over himself go.  How fast and hard would he fall, and without a net, what would he hit?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ran his hand down Dean’s shoulder, across Dean’s collarbone, and let his fingers dive to Dean’s nipple.  He stroked and rubbed against the sensitive nub, giving it a pinch just to test.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean groaned into his mouth, his hips surging forward.  He gripped Cas’s back, digging blunt nails into his shoulder blades.  He wrapped a thigh over Cas and rolled his hips so their cocks slid against each other.  Soft skin over hard need sliding together, trapped between their bodies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel gripped Dean tight as they stroked and rubbed against each other, frantic to feel more.  He kissed and bit whatever skin he could land on, grabbing Dean’s ass to pull him even closer before rolling them over so he could press Dean into the bed, thrusting against his sweat-slicked skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean moaned, arcing up, exposing his neck for Cas to lick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unable to take anymore, Cas leaned back on his heels and took both his and Dean’s cocks in his hand.  He stroked them, hard and fast, barely able to hold them both at once but driven past the point of reason by his need.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean moaned and writhed beneath him, beautiful in his abandon.  His eyes rolled up in his head as he reached forward, clutching Cas’s arms. “God, Cas… Cas… Fuck… Castiel… Cas!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel squeezed them tighter, his hips stuttering as he dove over the edge, forgetting to check if there was a net to catch them.  He watched as he came, coating Dean’s chest in his cum.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The heat of Cas’s release against his skin was enough to ignite Dean’s orgasm immediately after.  He opened his eyes and leaned up as he came.  Mouth open, panting and staring into Cas’s unfathomable blue eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s strength gave out as he dropped his weight on top of Dean. “You are so beautiful when you come.” Cas smiled, pressing kisses against Dean’s hair and temple and face. “So beautiful when you give yourself to me.”  He rested his head down onto Dean’s shoulder and sighed, bliss and tranquility flooding his veins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean ran a hand through Cas’s hair and down his shoulder.  He hummed in contentment, holding back all the words trapped behind his lips.  They laid together until sleep pulled at Dean’s consciousness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pulling away with a sigh, Castiel grabbed a washcloth and cleaned them up, kissing Dean’s lips, his collarbone, his ribs, his hipbone.  They snuggled together in Dean’s bed, wrapped up in his family quilt, whispering nonsense while trading sleepy kisses until they fell asleep.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Just Close Your Eyes Slowly Like You're Waiting For A Kiss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: <br/>Cas comes home to a less than understanding Dean</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Bobby’s house was exactly the way Dean had described.  They drove through what felt like a minefield of old car parts and carcasses, an endless sea of garages and detritus. Then they passed through a border wall of evergreens and a small house, surrounded by flowers and flourishing lawn, appeared like an oasis surrounded by forest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See, it’s like driving into Neverland, one minute, it’s all gray and trash, and the next you’re at the perfect little cottage in the woods!” Dean beamed, squeezing Cas’s hand. They climbed out, Dean opening the back door to let Garth out, who immediately disappeared into the large yard to roll and play with Bobby’s dogs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So this is where you grew up?” Cas looked around him, taking in so much green.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah, this is more where Sammy thinks of as growing up, but this is home.  This is where I learned what kind of person I wanted to be.”  Dean’s smile shone as brightly as the crystal hanging in the kitchen window, throwing rainbows throughout their home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel gave him the best smile he could, but it had been a tough week.  He didn’t have the energy or concentration to play the boyfriend meeting Dean’s family in him, even if that included Sam and Eileen, but it was important to Dean. Castiel felt that was the least he could do.  Especially since every day he was here, he became more and more certain he was going to leave.  The black goo in his gut sloshing around and coating his soul kept growing, threatening to pull him under.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before the car even stopped, Eileen was out of the house, signing as she rushed to Castiel. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re a terrible friend. Why do you never call me back or let me help?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She punched Castiel in the shoulder once she was close enough, earning herself a raised eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Looks like someone’s feeling her feelings,” Dean laughed and strode toward the door where Sam waited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant, and right!” Eileen glared at Castiel again before pulling him into a hug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas ran a hand down her back and sighed.  He could feel the slight bulge of her pregnancy reaching out toward him and he pulled back to look at her. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You got fat, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he signed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck off, Asstiel,” she said out loud, making him laugh and Sam squirm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pregnancy has brought out the best of your delightful personality,” he taunted, not sure why it was so much fun to poke the prickly bear.  She was feisty and her smile was contagious.  He always liked Eileen, but especially like this, so full of life, she reminded him that he was free, even if just for a little while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on inside, Bobby and Jody are waiting.” Sam slung an arm over Eileen’s shoulder and nodded to Castiel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A pit of dread sunk into his stomach, splashing around in his self-hate. An old familiar blackness that reeked of shame.  He wanted to know these people, to be in this life, but he was outside looking in.  The things they didn’t know, that they could never understand about him, kept him permanently removed.  He had felt it every day in every interaction since coming here, except when he was alone with Dean.  But now, even that was stained with his secrets.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know how he was going to get through dinner.  He had to figure out how to talk to everyone about his life these days, which usually meant simple omission, but with Sam sitting right there, knowing every single thing about him, it felt more and more like lies.  Even simple questions like, how was your day, or how’s work, were off-limits for him.  He could barely stand the voice inside his head, let alone the looks and words of anyone else these days.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if he could sense Castiel’s dropping mood, Dean slipped his hand into his and intertwined their fingers. “Now remember, Jody’s the chief of police, so Bobby can’t kill you as long as she’s here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t be the first body I’ve buried in the junkyard!” Bobby called from the kitchen.  An older man with a barrel chest and trucker’s cap on, blew into the living room like a force of nature, taking Dean into his arms tightly. “About time you got here, boy. Jody’s been about ready to send out the National Guard!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t let him lie to you. I wasn’t worried about you two at all.  I think we all know who the fretting old woman in this house is,” Jody called.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bobby grunted and released the man he’d taken as his son.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you’re Castiel,” Bobby reached out a hand and shook Cas’s firmly, giving him an exaggerated once over. “Well, at least you’re more attractive than the usual junkyard dogs this one has following him home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bobby!” Dean groaned as Sam let out a barking laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one,” Bobby winked at Castiel in a friendly tease. “Dinner will be ready soon, but Cas, I got something I thought you might find interesting in my library.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bobby began walking down a hallway, clearly expecting Castiel to follow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good luck, don’t let the books fall and crush you to death,” Dean smirked as he turned to his brother.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel took a deep breath. He was so not in the mood to be interrogated.  That’s all his life was lately, phone calls with his advisor, with the Seminary Ethics committee, with Sam, with the grant administrators. Even with Dean, it was like a never ending litany of things people wanted to know.  He hadn’t spoken so much about himself in his entire life as he had this week.  The idea of having a man-to-man about his intentions or whatever Bobby was going to ask about made his stomach turn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he stepped into the room, Bobby called a library. He was shocked silent.  Shelves lined the room, which had to have been a fairly large bedroom at some point, floor to ceiling, but there were also back to back bookcases in the middle, adding more shelf space and literal stacks of books on the floor climbing almost as high as the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is my happy place,” Bobby winked. “Whenever they get to talking about reality TV or whatever stupid thing one of their numbnut friends have done, I just come in here.  Sometimes just to look at the collection, sometimes to read, but that means sitting on the floor, which I’m getting a little creaky for these days.” Bobby smiled, a warm, genuine kindness radiating out of him in a way that made Castiel’s heartbreak a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perhaps it would be worth investing in a chair,” Castiel suggested.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perhaps,” Bobby laughed, shaking his head with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you’re the reason,” Castiel tilted his head, contemplating Robert Singer as he stood in his prized collection of esoteric publications.  Castiel could see at least four different languages and he was certain there were more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The reason for the season?” Bobby asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, the reason Dean is so… good.  From what he’s told me about his childhood and his Father, it would be so easy for him to have been an angry man.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“John Winchester was no Father to those boys.”  Bobby frowned, his eyes taking on the shadow of memories. “The best thing he ever did was get the hell out of their way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel smiled fondly at the familiar bluntness. “I couldn’t agree more.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stood awkwardly for a moment, Bobby not quite sure where to put his hands until he finally remembered why they were there. “Right! I have something for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel blinked and leaned back to get a better look at him. “Why would you have something for me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No reason, just thought you’d get a kick out of it, and what’s the point of all these books if I’m the only one who reads it.  Give me a second.” Bobby disappeared behind a stack of books and then Castiel caught a glimpse of him climbing one of the shelves. “Just a second, I’ve almost got the damn thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bobby, I don’t think you should be climbing like…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know how to handle myself, boy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.” Castiel smiled at the familiar stubbornness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here.” Bobby returns and shoves a thin hardcopy book into Castiel’s hands.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>T</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>he Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas ran his fingers over the embossed title.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Obviously, it’s not a First Edition, the 1819 editions are all in museums, but it is one of the first mass-produced editions.  It ain’t doing nothin’ but gathering dust here and I thought you might get a kick out of it. Bein’ a choir boy and all.” Bobby shifted his weight. “So there you go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he was gone, disappeared back to the group before Castiel could even say thank you, but he was pretty sure that was the point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth</span>
  </em>
  <span> by Thomas Jefferson.  An original printing of The Jefferson Bible.  Castiel had, of course, read it in seminary, and it could be found online as a PDF easily. Still, the book itself, as a piece of religious history, of American history, was invaluable to someone like him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was too much.  This wasn’t the kind of gift you just gave.  This is something special, something sacred.  How could Bobby know what something like this would mean to him? This is precisely the kind of thing that helped him make peace with his upbringing, with the secular and academic importance of his faith. Tears pricked his eyes, overwhelming him with the thought of such a thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know what to do.  Part of him wanted to refuse the gift, but he knew how Dean would react to someone doing that (not well), which he imagines is the same for Bobby.  He doesn’t want to insult the man, but something like this, what is he supposed to do with it?  He could never take it home.  It would be something of his that had to live outside of the world he had to return to.  Another piece of his heart, of his </span>
  <em>
    <span>self</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he couldn’t let himself have like how he felt about Dean.  Like how he could walk with his head held high for the first time in his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You good?” Dean asked, his head popping around the corner of the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel just nodded, but when he looked at Dean, he crinkled his nose to try to keep the tears from falling, but they spilled over onto his cheeks anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, what happened?  Are you alright?  Bobby didn’t say anything, did he? He’s not as gruff as he likes to pretend.  I’m sure he didn’t mean anything…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel shook his head, his smile breaking out over his face as he clutched the book to his chest. “How do I deserve you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean just smiled, sunny and kind, “That’s what’s making you cry?  Or is it allergies? Bobby’s books can get pretty dusty.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I just...  Dean, you are so kind, and I can see how you got that from Bobby.  The considerate things you do, the way you think about what people really mean, not just what they say.  I bet that’s what makes you a good designer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shuffled his feet and shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not good like you.  I’ve done things.  I try to do the right thing, I try so hard, but people around me get hurt, and I…” He shook his head. “I’m rambling.  I’m just overwhelmed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Already?  We haven’t even started drinking yet.” Dean brushed the tears from Castiel’s face with his thumbs and then placed a kiss on his lips. “You’re okay, Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They breathed together for a while in silence, Dean’s hands on Castiel’s face or shoulders, soothing him as he stroked away the tears and fear. “I remember what it was like when Sam and I first got here.  It was hard to believe anyone could give a shit enough to feed us and fight with us and teach us the way Bobby did.  To this day, I don’t know why he took us in. I mean, I was 18, for Christ’s sake.  He won’t answer the question, just says it was the right thing to do. And I guess I’ve just accepted that sometimes things can be that simple.  Stop making yourself miserable over this.  You’re fighting big fights right now with Michael and everything else, let this… us… let it just be simple.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stepped closer and pressed his lips to Castiel’s firmly, wrapping an arm around his waist so his warm hand could rub his lower back.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Dean, I didn’t mean to fall apart.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanna see “fall apart”?  Come watch Jody and Eileen dance around what the baby is going to call her and Bobby.  Using the word, Grandma has never been so much fun.” Dean kisses him one more time and takes his hand, leading the way back to the living room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The food was delicious and sitting at the small table in the middle of the kitchen, all tucked together, was strangely intimate.  Castiel had expected to feel cramped but instead just felt cozy.  Bobby had made the same lasagne Dean had prepared for him before, and despite enjoying it, he made sure not to point out that Dean’s addition of Italian Sausage was a vast improvement.  It took almost the entire meal, but Castiel finally started to relax.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So Cas,” Jody began, forever in mom mode, “What are your plans after seminary?  I mean, you didn’t do all this schooling just to end up working at the Gas ‘n Sip.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel wiped his mouth with his napkin and glanced at Sam nervously.  He knew Sam was sworn in the most strict sense, not to say anything he hadn’t given him permission to, but the facts about his life that Sam held in confidence hung over his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing specific right now.  I mean, I don’t even have confirmation yet that I’ll be able to return to Seminary after what happened with Michael, but the ethics board is meeting about it this week, so we’ll see.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Prejudiced son of a bitch,” Bobby muttered, standing up to grab the bottle of whiskey to refill everyone, except Eileen’s, glasses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, ok,” Jody said, but her eyes were sharp and focused on Castiel. “But what had your plans been before all this happened? I mean, what’s your hope if things work out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was like a loaded gun pointed directly at his temple.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, ideally, I’d find a congregation of my own.  Maybe one looking for a junior or youth pastor.  I’d like to resolve some things back home and then move out permanently, find a place of my own.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam stared at him, face impassive as he took a sip of his whiskey.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How hard is it to find a job as a minister?  I mean, churches don’t need a whole lot of ya on staff, do they?” Jody downed her glass in one go and held it out for Bobby to fill again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel forced a chuckle, hoping it was light-hearted. “No, not a lot.  But hopefully, I’d find somewhere nice,” he shrugged.  He looked at Dean, whose face had tightened up.  “Um, I’ve also thought about getting my Ph.D. in Ministerial Studies, then I could teach or do one of the traveling ministerial programs.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean coughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Travelling?” Jody asked. “What would a minister travel for?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, for if a congregation has a temporary opening, you go and fill in for a year or two while they search for a permanent replacement.  It gives people time to find the right fit.  It’s a great program. I’m just not sure moving every year or two is what I want long-term.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Sam said, his lips pursed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Castiel’s heart thudded in his chest.  This whole conversation was basically his worst nightmare. He was skirting his future because Dean didn’t want to talk about it, and his family, even though Sam did want him to talk about it, and his personal life because he didn’t want to talk about it.  It was like a minefield of small talk dressed up as a bouncy house full of grenades.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t we clean up and get some pie,” Eileen stood up and started stacking plates, which Castiel eagerly joined in on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds perfect!” Bobby leaned back, lacing his fingers together behind his head and looking at the table. “Look at this, my boys, and a proper family dinner.”  He nodded to himself and sucked on his teeth as he gazed at everyone around the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And your loving and gorgeous wife, of course,” Jody said, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek, which brought the cutest tinge of pink to Bobby’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean was right. This was simple.  This was easy.  He just wished it could be his.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. You Were Never Anything But Beautiful To Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean took Cas to dinner at Bobby's</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Wednesday evening, Dean came back from the barn early, covered in sawdust.  He leaned in the doorway, the bright sun behind him, waiting until he caught Cas’s eye. “How’s it going?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Umm, I can’t even form words looking at you like that.” Castiel laughed as Dean shook his head, wood shavings flying in all directions.  “Hey!  I just swept in here!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laughed and pushed off the door frame. “I think I should probably take my clothes off out here,” he said, pulling his shirt over his head in a lithe movement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the rain of potential splinters, Castiel’s mouth watered.  Dean, outside, in the bright sun, flush from a hard day’s work, wearing nothing but his work boots and a pair of jeans, was a sight to behold.  Without getting too poetical about it, he was a modern day adonis shining in the sun, and he belonged to Cas, at least for now.. “That sounds wise,” he said, shutting the top of his laptop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I wouldn’t want to undo all your work making the house so tidy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I should start wearing the apron,” Castiel teased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No way, that’s for the meatman only, get your own,” Dean dropped his hands to his belt buckle and tilted his chin down, looking up at Cas through lashes so long he could see them from the table.  His strong stomach, flat and hard, enticing Castiel and making him lick his lips.  Dean was muscular but more than that he was solid.  He didn’t have the vanity muscles of someone who only worked out at a gym, he had the strong, solid thickness of someone who used his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you waiting for something?” Castiel asked after a moment, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair as if he were the Queen of England with no need to rush for anything. “Proceed.”  He waved his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean waited with a smirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was all it took for Dean to flush a deeper red and look at the ground before smirking wider and undoing his belt buckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked back to Cas with a grin and ran a hand up his chest and to the back of his neck, making him the single fucking sexiest thing Castiel had ever seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled and nodded.  The swelling in his pants and desire blooming in his chest made it hard to sit still, but he was enjoying the game.  This strange give and take the two of them had stumbled upon that they both enjoyed so much, where Castiel took charge and Dean’s eyes grew heavy with lust.  There had never been much in Cas’s life that he was in control of.  When Dean let him lead, let him take and give on his own terms, it made him feel safe enough to be himself.  It was a mind bending kind of freedom that Castiel never wanted to give up, he only wanted to see how far Dean would let him go, how much of each other they could explore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the nod, Dean flicked open the button of his jeans and undid the zipper.  Then he stared Cas straight in the eye, dipped his hand inside his underwear, and stroked himself with a groan.  The sight was erotic, irresistable.  Dean’s head tilted back, exposing his neck in a strange show of submission and disobedience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s desire roared in his chest. “Dean,” He reprimanded with a hiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s movement paused, his eyes glazing over as his body broke out in goosebumps.  For a moment Castiel thought Dean wasn’t going to listen and he held his breath, poised to stalk over and remove Dean’s hand forcibly. But Dean took a deep breath, and locking in that intense eye contact pulled his hand out of his pants and cocked his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel let out a shaky breath.  Dean was beautiful, the epitome of temptation. “Take off the jeans.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean rushed to comply and pushed the jeans over his hips, letting them fall around his feet in a soft whoosh before stepping out of them.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel could see the darkened spot Dean’s hard cock left against his gray boxer briefs.  He licked his lips, imagining how the other man must taste, dusky and sweet. “Let me see your cock.  But don’t touch it, just pull down the waistband of your underwear and let it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, sucking on his lower lip for a moment before letting it pop out, pink and plump. He slowly pulled down the front of his underwear until the waistband was below his balls.  His erection had grown thick and as Castiel stared he could see it twitch slightly under inspection.  He took a few deep breaths, letting Dean stand there and feel the full weight of his gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Off,” Castiel ordered and stood up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean practically ripped his underwear from his body he moved so fast, chest heaving as he panted. His whole being leaned toward Cas, his need palpable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel enjoyed the control Dean kept over himself, the effort he was putting in to doing as Cas said, the trust it took to let go into Castiel’s care. It was sexy as fuck.  And it was absolutely doing it for him in every way.  His cock was so hard it was almost painful to walk, but the price was worth paying, when his reward was so fucking gorgeous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the front porch of the little wood cabin that Dean built himself, he stood just out of the sun’s rays, stark naked.  He felt free and gloriously seen, the look in Cas’s eyes heady and intoxicating.  He had always been comfortable with his body, but this look, like Cas was going to either rip him to shreds with his teeth or suck the life right out of him, bubbled up new and desperate feelings so strong they scared him, but he couldn't have turned away if he wanted to.  Locking in place by Cas’s simple command.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Castiel reached Dean, he sank to his knees and without a word, or even touching the other man, pressed his lips against Dean’s cock.  He licked his lips, tasting the first glimmer of Dean. He looked up, staring at Dean’s rigid body, muscles hard and tense, waiting for Cas to decide what to do with him.  Castiel raised a hand to the base of Dean’s cock firmly holding it in place as he wrapped his lips around the pink head and pulled it into his mouth.  He stopped at the gentle ridge, sucking lightly and licking at the tip, drowning in the revelation of Dean’s precum against his tongue and moaning.  It tasted better than he had imagined, so rich and distinct, there was nothing else like it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laid a gentle hand on Cas’s head, running his knuckles down his temple and then cheek.  Despite Castiel being the one on his knees, Dean looked at him with an air of supplication.  And Castiel wanted nothing more than to worship at the altar of Dean’s body.  This close, his lips pressed against the focus of all his desires, the reality of how right it felt made Castiel bold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spurred on by the sound of Dean’s labored breathing, Castiel opened his mouth wider and pulled more of Dean’s thickness into his mouth.  He bobbed and licked, moaning when Dean’s hips started to move like he couldn’t help but try to fuck his mouth just a little.  Castiel was tempted to pull off and reprimand Dean, continuing their game, but when he looked up the eyes that met him were so full of desire Cas almost lost his rhythm.  He swallowed hard drawing a moan for Dean and a stronger pull on his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d done that.  He’d made Dean feel that good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pride warred with Castiel’s desire and he made it his mission to show Dean just how good he could make him feel.  He pushed forward, taking Dean further into his mouth, down into the beginning of his throat.  Just when he thought it was too much Dean let out a strangled cry and stumbled slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Cas, that’s so good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s all Castiel needed to push himself further, sucking and swallowing and licking as he rocked himself on Dean’s cock. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing, this was the first time he’d ever taken someone in his mouth, but it was freeing with Dean, to know he didn’t have to do it right, he just had to want to do it.  And fuck did he want to.  He wanted to taste and lick and bite and swallow all of Dean, every part of him.  When he was done with this cock he might start on Dean’s toes and work his way up, tasting every millimeter of skin he could reach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He undid his pants, pulling his own throbbing erection free, taking it in one hand and jerking it to the same rhythm he sucked on Dean.  With one hand pulling his own pleasure to the surface and the other locked on Dean’s hip, Cas lost himself in the feeling of flesh and flavor. He dissipated until he was no longer the things he thought defined him and existed in a place made only of heat and love and want and taste.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, I.  Stop, you should stop, I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel looked up, he knew how blissed out he had to look with saliva and precum dripping from his overstretched lips and raw painful need radiating in his eyes.  He’d been stripped down to his most basic elements, the bare truth of his soul apparent as his longing reached out for Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck,” Dean cried out when their gazes met, heat blazing through his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pulled back at the first spurt of Dean’s cum, swallowing and sucking, pulling as much out of him as he could, lapping and sucking until Dean reached down and stopped him, a giggle breaking the silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It tickles,” Dean admitted with a shy grin, sinking to the ground next to Cas.  They kissed, slow and languid, Dean’s flavor on Cas’s tongue.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stroked at his erection lazily, close to the precipice but not quite ready to be done.  It was only when Dean laid down in his lap and took him in his mouth that he realized just how near to complete surrender he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pressed sweet kisses along his shaft before licking his way back up to the head. “Come for me,” Dean said, voice husky and dripping with sex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take long, only a few bobs of Dean’s head before Cas lost himself in the raw emotion of the naked man lying in his lap.  Words he shouldn’t utter almost broke free as he released into Dean’s needy mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel leaned back on his hands trying to catch his breath as Dean practically purred and wrapped himself up on Cas’s lap. They laid sprawled across the porch, touching each other everywhere they could reach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it always like this?” Cas asked when his vision finally returned and he could kind of form thoughts. Everything outside of the two of them remained hazy, distant like for a few moments Castiel could exist without the weight of the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  Sex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, is it always so… soul rending?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled up at Cas and leaned up for another kiss, gentler, slower this time. “No.  I mean sex is great, it’s always great, but this, whatever happens whenever you and I are together, I’ve never felt anything like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel leaned forward and ran his hand through Dean’s hair.  “You are so beautiful, you make me feel like I can do anything like I’m…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what, Cas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I’m worth saving.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean frowned and pulled himself up so he could wrap both arms around Castiel and pull him close. “You are worth everything.  I…  Cas…” his voice ended with a soft whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel let a silent moment pass between them, afraid of what came next but almost more afraid of what he had to lose.  “Let’s get you in the shower.  You’re still covered in wood chips,” Castiel said, fishing one out of his mouth and holding it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laughed and stood, holding out a hand. “Come with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Castiel replied without a thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, once they'd both come again, this time in the shower, and thoroughly washed each other, they sat eating Nachos watching reruns of </span>
  <em>
    <span>I Dream of Genie</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  Dean stole bites from Cas’s plate despite having accused his addition of olives to his nachos an insult to nacho lovers everywhere.  They eventually snuggled up on the couch, Castiel comfortably slotted against Dean’s side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From the kitchen table, Castiel’s laptop pinged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I meant to shut that down, sorry,” he said, standing and walking over to sit at the table.  He opened his email and quickly scanned an email with the subject line: Internship Decision.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Castiel said, finger on the trackpad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, what’s up?” Dean called, half listening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They made a decision.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  Who?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The school, and the church I guess.  I… They decided.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was up and next to Cas almost instantly, “What did they say?”  He leaned forward searching the computer screen, his body pressed against Cas’s side. “Well open it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.  What if they kicked me out?  What if?” Castiel’s head began to spin, the possibilities, the contradictory hopes and emotions fought to the surface, plotting their escape from the cage he held them in, in his heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit Cas, worrying isn’t helping any when the answer’s right there.” Dean reached forward and tapped on the subject, opening the email.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They scanned the screen in silence.  Cas had to read it twice before the words took on any meaning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God,” Castiel breathed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, that’s, that’s good right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel let out a breath, his shoulders dropped and his hands shook. “Yeah, yeah.  I can’t believe it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you’re not kicked out.” Dean’s face split open as he smiled, sunshine and light and joy all shining on his face at once. “Holy fuck!” He pulled Cas to standing and wrapped his arms around him, picking him up slightly and then pulling him in tight to a kiss.  “I knew it would work out.  You and Sammy, smartest guys I know, team you up and there’s no stopping you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stood stunned, barely able to move.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, this is good news.  You are still in seminary, isn’t that what you wanted?  And you don’t have to waste time doing another internship just because of fucking Michael’s bullshit.  Now you can move forward.” Dean bent down to try and catch Cas’s eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yes.  And, they’re going to give me full credit for the internship.  I can’t believe it.  Sam was right about getting congregants to write letters on my behalf.  I... I don’t have to start over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, now you just have to write your thesis,” Dean’s wide smile faltered when Castiel finally looked up at him, a glimmer of tears in his eyes. “Which you are planning to do from Massachusetts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And there’s no internship keeping you here anymore, so you’re gonna just leave.” Dean dropped his hands and backed away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, yes, but,” Castiel held Dean’s eyes. “My internship stipend is through the middle of September and Sam is still working on some things for me and I’d like to see the Mary’s House issue get resolved before I leave.” He rambled, he made excuses he had no right to make, but he wasn’t ready to let this go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blinked. “Sounds like you’re trying to make a case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go, eventually.  It’s not optional.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, trying not to worry about that yet.  All he wanted was more, but he knew, no matter how much he was given, when it came to Cas he’d always want more. “But maybe, not right now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Cas breathed like he can’t believe what he’s saying. “I have to talk to Sam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pulled him close, gathering him up in his arms like if he just holds on tight enough he can keep Cas with him forever. “Tomorrow.  Call Sam tomorrow.  Let’s just be happy for you tonight, huh?  Can we do that?  We could go out for ice cream and strippers!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel laughed, his eyes crinkling up and pushing out his unshed tears, “No, I don’t think so, strippers aren’t exactly my thing. He smiled again at Dean, his heart full. “Tonight it’s just us, we’ll forget about the rest of it.  For once there’s no emergency, we can just be us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like the sound of that,” Dean dipped down, taking Cas’s lips in his, gripping the man tight, and dipping in to taste him.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>I Dream of Genie </span>
  </em>
  <span>played in the background as Dean led Cas to the bedroom.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Show Me What You Look Like Without Skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Cas gets good news about his internship, but it's bittersweet</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: Conversion Therapy/Gay Exorcism discussed (not explicit)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel rolled over in the cool dark of night, his feet cold.  Dean had stolen the blanket in the night and wrapped himself up like a burrito.  Cas smiled into the darkness and tried to disentangle the other man without waking him.  Eventually, he gave up and grabbed another blanket from Dean’s closet and snuggled as close as he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sharing a bed with Dean was easy.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was untrue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sharing a bed with Dean was frustrating.  Dean tended to wake angry if he wasn’t expecting it, lashing out before even fully awake.  He also stole the blankets or attached himself to Cas as if he had tentacles and suckers.  The temperature was never to his liking, so he was constantly taking off and putting on layers.  But Castiel loved it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loved every little not-snore that snuck out of Dean.  He loved the way he talked in his sleep.  He loved that he could soothe Dean down from a nightmare without him needing to wake.  He loved that his feet were cold.  Because it meant he was with Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel drifted back to sleep, warm and floating in that place between asleep and awake where all that existed was the feel of Dean’s body next to him and the contentment in his heart.  Here he didn’t have to think about what he said or question what he felt.  He didn’t have bigger issues to consider other than the joy radiating around him.  He fell blissfully into a deeper sleep, unconsciously dreaming, rejuvenating himself through rest only to be startled wide awake by the sound of a yell and Garth barking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reverend Cas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sat up and looked at him.  Cas rubbed the confusion from his eyes and wiped his mouth.  Did someone say his name? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone was knocking on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reverend Cas?!  Please!”  The voice was familiar, young and sweet with a throbbing vein of fear twisting through it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Claire?” Cas jumped out of bed, not bothering to throw on a shirt, and ran out to the living room.  Anything that would bring her here in the middle of the night had to be serious.  His mind tried to sift through what could have happened that she would come to him instead of calling Charlie.  He whipped the door open as bright lights pulled into the driveway.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two girls tumbled into the living room at the same time Dean came out of the bedroom.  Claire held the other girl tight; eyes lit up with fear and adrenaline.  They both panted as if they’d been running.  Had they run from Claire’s house all the way here?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck is going on?” Dean asked, flicking on the lights.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s...they tried to…  I didn’t know what else to do… I couldn’t let them....” Claire held on to the second girl like her life depended on it and pointed out the still open door.  They both had long hair hanging down in disarray, still wearing pajamas.  Claire had on sneakers but the other girl’s feet were bare, dirty, and probably bloody.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Claire, stop.  Breath. Tell me who is out there?” Castiel shut and locked the door, Garth continuing to growl at it.  The big goof was a loveable giant, but Cas knew you wouldn’t want to be caught on the wrong side of those gleaming white teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claire looked up at him through disheveled blonde hair, her blue eyes pleading. “I don’t know, but they tried to take Max.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl with Claire shook, tears streaking her heavy eyeliner. She looked up at Cas but it didn’t feel like she saw him.  She was staring through to a memory, a horror she couldn’t escape. Her white-blonde hair had a leaf stuck in it that Castiel wanted to remove but was too afraid he’d scare her even more.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My parents, they said they’d fix me, they said they were going to send me away so I could be normal.  I didn’t think they’d do it.  But then these men broke into my bedroom after I’d gone to bed and… they dragged me out of the house.  I just took off running.  I didn’t know what to do, so I went to Claire’s.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s easy to sneak in and out of my window,” Claire shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, don’t let them take me.” Max looked between Castiel and Dean, terrified.  “Claire said you’d help.  Please, help me. I don’t want to go with them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s face hardened the more Max talked.  He stood so ramrod stiff you’d think he had an actual pole up his ass holding him that way. But his posture wasn’t that he was uptight. It was that he recognized the look in the young girl’s eye.  He recognized the story she told.  And he bore the scars that people like her parents and whoever these men are could inflict.  “Max, did your parents want to send you away because you’re gay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sucked in a breath through his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside, the sounds of men’s voices could be heard getting louder, the lights from their vehicle shining through the front windows—the room filled with the glare of their invasion, blazing white-hot and blinding everyone momentarily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Max nodded, her tears picking up steam until she was choking on sobs.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean wrapped his arm around both of them and ushered them to sit on the couch, whispering something Castiel couldn’t hear.  He guided them to sit, his posture gentle and unassuming.  Castiel couldn’t imagine how he could radiate such positive support when all he wanted to do was rip someone apart for putting this girl through something so horrible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was too in his own thoughts, in his own memories, in the cruelty of a world gone insane with hatred and judgment.  Images of Uriel kicking him in the ribs until they cracked and Enoch just standing by, watching a self-satisfied sneer on his face, flash through his mind.  He remembers the heat of Isham’s fist across his face.  He strode over to Dean’s chest and pulled out the double-barrel shotgun he’d seen in there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay here,” he said, checking to make sure there were bullets loaded and not looking back before he stalked out the front door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stood in the bright headlights, shirtless.  His burns and scars on full display as he pulled upon all of Heaven’s righteous fury.  The fire that had once burned his skin came to life in his heart, burning him down to the bone, through muscle and soul, until he felt nothing but the rage of what he had suffered.  When the minister had given him a holy water enema and then waited and watched as he was humiliated by emptying his bowels on the floor.  When his mother had helped hold him down as Ishim scrubbed him clean with a wire brush until his skin was red and oozing blood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His only thought was for such things to never happen again.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pumped the shotgun with one hand and aimed it at the van parked in front of his home. “This is private property,” he growled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel, how good to see you,” a familiar voice called and the headlights turned off.  He blinked white spots out of his vision until he saw Michael standing before him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s stomach flipped.  This Man of God was behind Max’s fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave, now,” Castiel demanded, raising the gun in Michael’s direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The charming minister raised his hands and smiled.  “We have a signed custody agreement from Max’s parents.  We have a legal right to take her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no right to torture her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, Castiel, I wouldn’t send her someplace like that.  This is Gordon. He runs the center where Max will be staying. He can tell you all about it if that would make you feel better. But really, this really is none of your business.  You aren’t even a member of the community here and will be leaving soon, from what I hear. What difference does one sinner make?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel looked over to see another smiling man with all the warmth of a vampire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m done talking.  We can discuss this tomorrow with my lawyer present and the girls’ parents, but right now, you are trespassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel, can I call you Cas?” Gordon began and Castiel released a steady breath and shot the front windshield of the black van out, shattering the glass everywhere.  The other men jumped but he stood steady, unwavering.  He pumped the shotgun again, immediately ready to shoot a second time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael raised his hands while Gordon’s scowl deepened, transforming his face into something evil. Castiel knew that look, the disdain, the superiority.  He looked like his brothers, like the elders, like every person who had beaten or spat on him, like his mother as she watched Ishim light the match that peeled away his flesh and turned his heart to ash.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean joined Cas, standing just behind him, another shotgun in his hand, Garth baring gleaming white teeth by his side. “You heard the man.  You’d do best to leave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael and Gordon traded looks and retreated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be seeing you tomorrow, then.” Michael sneared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have my number,” Cas deadpanned, keeping his gun trained on the van as they pulled out and drove away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel took a few beats before lowering the gun and letting his vision blur with unshed tears.  In all the years he’d been alive, he’d never had someone to stand with him, to stand beside him as he fought just to be himself.  He was thirty-two years old and he’d been alone every single day of it.  Even the few friends he’d had didn’t truly understand or accept him until Dean.  When he turned, the vision of Dean in a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants, gun still raised as if unable to believe the threat was over.  This man.  This good man had been there for him without question.  He had jumped into the fight to protect those who couldn’t defend themselves because it was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lump of emotion clogged Castiel’s throat and he fought back tears.  He only wished he could be as good to Dean as he deserved.  He wished things could be easier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside, the girls sat on the couch, a shaking crying mess.  They wouldn’t talk to Dean or move away from each other. Although Claire was in a better condition than Max, she shook with her arms around her friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel handed Dean his gun to put away and focused his attention on their guests.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I hear a gun?  Did they shoot at us?” Max whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that was me.  I shot their van.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Badass,” Claire looked up at him, eyes wide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pursed his lips.  “Claire, you should call your parents.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Reverend Cas, they’ll be so mad.” she looked up at him and pleaded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Call and tell them you’re here and that I’m helping you and a friend.  If they want to talk to me, I’ll be right here, but they’ll feel better hearing directly from you that you’re okay.  You’re both welcome to stay the night,” he glanced at Dean, who nodded, “we can sort everything out in the morning.  Right now, though, we don’t need your parents to be upset and think you’re missing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claire nodded and sniffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel softened, sitting on the coffee table in front of the girls and looking at them closely for the first time. “You’re safe here,” he soothed, his low voice taking on his ministerial authority and the girls visibly relaxed. “Dean and I won’t let anyone hurt you.  Being gay is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong or sinful.  It’s going to be okay.  There are more good people in this world than there are like those men, I promise, we’ll do everything we can for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reverend Cas?” Claire stared at his chest with wide eyes and he remembered he was shirtless, burns and scars on full display.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled softly. “We all have stories, Claire. Not all of them are happy, but we survive them by leaning on the people who love us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sniffed and nodded, whispering to Max before getting up to call her parents.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was gone, Castiel noticed Dean had put the guns away and left Garth outside to sleep on the porch.  He had the kettle on and was heating water for tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at Max, who returned his gaze and then snapped her eyes away like a caged animal, afraid of where the next hit might come from. “I’m sorry this happened to you.” he placed a hand on her knee, patting it twice and pulling away, not wanting to frighten her further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.  Claire said we could come here, but I wasn’t sure.  I mean, who would help </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>?  I’m just a fuckup.  I mean… uh… screw up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel reigned his chuckle in.  Max swearing was the last thing he was worried about right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m glad you trusted her.  Claire is a good person, and I’m sure you are too if you’re friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean joined them, setting down mugs of tea.  He kissed Castiel on the temple and Cas smiled bashfully.  Once Castiel had put on a shirt and confirmed with Claire’s parents that she was, in fact, where she said she was and there really was an emergency, they all sat down in the living room sipping their tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do we do now?” Claire finally asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean, who had been unusually quiet, spoke up. “I’ve already texted my brother.  He works at a law firm downtown.  He’ll do whatever we have to so you’re safe.  And I called Jody Mills; she’s the chief of police. She’s put a patrol car on our house tonight to make sure they don’t come back and she’s going to come here in the morning to talk to you both to get the full story.”  He clutched his mug, his jaw ticking, “We won’t let this go, or let you get hurt.  I promise.  You can stay here as long as you need to until we figure this out.  Those fuckers are going to pay for this one way or another.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you this was the right place to come,” Claire said and smiled at Max softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After their tea, when everyone’s nerves had settled down, they ushered the girls into Cas’s room to sleep, either together in the twin bed or on the floor.  Dean just threw a pile of blankets at them and wished them goodnight with a demand that the door stays open.  It didn’t seem sleeping would be a problem once the adrenaline wore off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean and Castiel stayed up a little longer, snuggled in bed, their door open as well so they could hear anything that happened.  Castiel collapsed into the mattress, exhausted.  This night had been the stuff of Cas’s literal nightmares.  It was so comforting for him to believe that the evil he’d known didn’t exist outside of his home, but to confront it here where he felt safe and accepted shook him to his core.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back under the blankets with Dean beside him, his chest constricted as the fear of what happened finally hit him, the adrenaline wore off, and now he was just a scared unwanted boy again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Garth okay outside?” Cas whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he knows he’s on guard duty.  He won’t sleep.”  Dean laid close, their noses almost touching, but he didn’t reach out.  If he did, Cas was afraid he’d break and he needed to keep his shit together a little longer.  He was determined to be for those girls what he never had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.  I feel safer with him watching out for us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about you?  Are you okay?  I’ve never seen you like that before.” Dean pinched Cas’s chin and tilted his head to look into his eyes.  It was gentle but firm and relief spread through Cas’s body.  Dean was really there, solid and sure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I’ve ever been like that before,” Castiel admitted, snuggling closer and wiggling his leg in between Dean’s. He laid a hand on Dean’s chest, trapping it between them, but he needed to feel the other man’s heartbeat.  Maybe his steady strength would calm his own erratic heart. “There was no way I was going to let them take that girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to admit, it was pretty hot—all that righteous indignation and then shooting out their windshield.  Holy shit.  I can’t believe you did that.” Dean was smiling in the dark, his eyes sparkling.  A warm laugh spread his breath across Castiel’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel chuckled softly, “Me either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t you fight back at home?” Dean asked, the words falling out and then his face showing instant regret.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At first, but I was a child. And every time I did, it was promptly beaten out of me.  Any fight I had in me died a long time ago.” He shrugged. “It’s different there.  Here, no one has any real power over me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They don’t there either.  You could just stay here.” a thread of pleading worked its way into Dean’s voice.  The silent </span>
  <em>
    <span>with me</span>
  </em>
  <span> in his words understood by them both.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sighed and shook his head.  That heavy feeling of hopelessness settled over him.  He had no choices in his life.  He had no options.  He just did the best he could and tonight, it was about those girls. Tomorrow he had to, as always, return to those he left behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t understand.  Where I come from, they don’t just punish you for your sins. They punish those who help you, those who love you.  When… One time, Ishim locked me in the crawl space under the house.  He’d found me pretending to kiss one of the men in a magazine my mother had.  They left me there for three days with no food, just a little water.  Hannah would sneak me bread or whatever she could fit in her pockets.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And they punished her,” Dean finished for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it’s an effective tool for forcing compliance.” Castiel rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. “Please don’t think I want to leave you, Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean rolled to his back as well and they laid side by side in silence until Dean’s fingers worked their way under Cas’s hand and squeezed.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. I Feel Right At Home In This Stunning Monochrome</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer In G:<br/>Michael and Gordon tried to take a gay teen to conversion therapy<br/>Cas was a badass and shot out their windshield</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know you guys have been getting nervous about when the angst was going to show up.  Well, here you go.  Strap in kiddos.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was the middle of August when Dean woke up like he did every morning and stretched.  His back popped as he twisted from side to side, smiling at the empty space in his bed where Cas slept.  He was probably out doing yoga and starting up his computer.  He’d been working on his thesis like it was a full-time job lately.  Dean didn’t completely understand it, but he was proud of his nerdy little choir boy.  For so many reasons.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath in the August heat.  The air hung around his shoulders heavy and hot, but something chilled him.  Something was deeply, fundamentally wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no smell of coffee brewing from the kitchen.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of two things happened every morning since Cas moved in with him.  Either Cas was in his bed when he awoke, or there was coffee waiting for him.  This morning he had neither.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knot of </span>
  <em>
    <span>knowing</span>
  </em>
  <span> tightened in his gut as he ran out to the main room in just his boxers.  Garth lifted his head from the dog bed.  Big, sad eyes looked at him from under shaggy eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the table was the book Bobby had given him and on top of it sat the keys to Cas’s truck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean swayed. The air rushed out of the room and he grabbed hold of the closest kitchen chair to keep from dropping to his knees with the weight of what this probably meant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” he ran to Cas’s room.  If he had left in the night, Dean would have heard him.  His suitcase alone would have woken Dean up as it bounced over the wood floor when dragged outside.  But no.  Cas’s room was just as he’d left it.  All of his things, at least those that hadn’t worked their way into Dean’s room, were still in their place.  The only things missing were Cas’s laptop and bag, his phone, and the man himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Motherfucker.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sat on the twin bed and dragged a hand over his face, his scruff a little long.  It was time for a shave.  The mundaneness of that thought struck him as funny.  Like he should give a shit about shaving when the only thing that had ever felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span> in his entire life was gone.  He’d lived his entire existence for other people.  Taking care of Sam had turned him into mother and father before he was even in the double digits, and then, working for Bobby, they both knew his restoration work was Bobby’s only hope at retirement.  And he never regretted it, never asked for anything in return.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All he wanted was Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After sitting in stoic silence for longer than he knew, his limbs heavy with numb realization, he went to his room and grabbed his phone, pulling on pants so he could let Garth out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pressed the speed dial number for Cas--2.  Sam was still 1.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Straight to Voicemail.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve reached my voicemail. Leave a message with your voice.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled at Cas’s weird-ass sense of humor and the tears spilled at the monotone bass of Cas’s greeting. “Where the fuck are you?  What the fuck?  You just leave?  Get up in the middle of the night and fucking leave your keys?  What’s wrong with you.  Get your ass back here so I can kiss you and yell at you some more!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean left five more voicemails, each more desperate than the last, before giving up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat on the porch swing for hours.  No coffee, no food, just Garth bouncing around in the yard and the sun traveling across the sky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the afternoon, Sam’s car pulled into the driveway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean couldn’t stand to look at him.  Sam generally didn’t stop by.  Sometimes on their mom’s birthday or after something upsetting happened at work, but even then, he almost always texted first.  Dean liked being alone and Sam, of anyone, understood that he needed it after spending so much of his life at the whim of other people’s needs.  His brother would only show up like this for one reason.  Because he knew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That fucker called you, didn’t he?” Dean said before Sam had even closed his car door.  His voice ragged from unshed tears and desperation.  He wanted to be mad.  He wanted to rage and fill his broken heart with fury, but all he felt was so profoundly alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His brother came and sat next to him and pulled him into a hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t say goodbye, or leave a note, or anything, but he fucking called </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.”  </span>
  </em>
  <span>Dean couldn’t stand how petulant he sounded, but fuck, the wrenching in his chest was agonizing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Dean.” Sam pulled him tighter and held him as he let his sobs break free.  Shaking in his little brother’s arms felt so wrong, but he fell apart against him, unable to hold back his agony.  He’d never let Sammy be the strong one. He’d always kept it together, even through their Dad leaving and Lisa kicking him out and sending Sammy off to college.  Dean had always been the strong one, but this time, he was out of strength.  He was stripped bare, broken down to his fundamentals, and with his heart laid out on display, there was nothing left to hold up his pride.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he could, Dean pulled back and stood up, his hands frantically running through his hair and over his thighs and then flexing into fists as he stared at Sam. “Tell me why he left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam gave him puppy eyes and Dean wanted to punch him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me why he left or get the fuck off my land,” Dean growled, his pain morphing into anger.  That was an emotion he understood.  He’d been angry at his Dad his whole life.  He’d kicked and screamed his way into adulthood and fought Bobby, sometimes physically, so often until he was too exhausted to keep fighting.  He’d learned better ways, but now, with his pain so raw, it was all he knew how to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I can’t, Dean.  I’d get fired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck your job. You can get another.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not in law.  If I break confidentiality, I’ll never go to law school or work at another law firm.  I’m sorry.  But I brought you the newspaper.”  Sam stood up and set the paper down on the porch swing.  He stepped inside without invitation, something he’d never needed before but which pissed Dean off even more now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fucking paper?  The fuck did he need a paper for?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked down and staring back up at him was Castiel’s strong jawline and soulful eyes.  He could almost see the blue despite the black and white image.  It was a candid shot of Cas at the pulpit in his church, a soft smile on his face.  He wore his black button down shirt, offsetting his skin and bright eyes.  Dean took a sudden inhale, surprised at how Cas looked out of the paper as if he could see him.  They’d been together only yesterday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s chest hollowed out, gutted at the sight of how beautiful Cas was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The headline in bold read: GAY MINISTER SAVES LGTBQ YOUTH</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blinked.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one had told him about this.  He guessed no one had asked Cas for permission to write this either.  Now that Max was living at Claire’s house and had a restraining order against her parents, Michael and Gordon, Dean thought they were done with this.  The police had gotten involved and a federal investigation was underway into Gordon and the torture center he called a Christian Reaffirmation Center.  Dean and Cas had both given statements.  Now it was all in someone else’s hands except for the occasional calls Cas got from Max and Claire.  Jody was keeping an eye on Michael and Sam’s office was handling the legal aspect.  But the threat was past and other than the trauma Max was sure to carry, everything was alright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean had even started to let himself believe Cas might not leave.  That the man might care enough to stay with him passed September.  It had been naive.  Everyone leaves.  He knows that deep down, but he’d let himself relax, and that was his fault.  He had been down this path before.  Eventually, everyone leaves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean picked up the paper and didn’t know if he wanted to punch it or kiss the stupid smile off Cas’s face.  He just clutched it to his chest and went inside to find his brother trying (and failing) to make coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just get me a beer.” Dean collapsed onto the couch, still holding the paper with a death grip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam sat next to him and handed him a beer. “That’s a nationally syndicated paper: online distribution, television connections.  Anyone anywhere could see any story written there. Anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nods and drinks half his beer in one gulp.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He went home.  He went back to that horrible place.  He chose them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam hmmed sadly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because he has responsibilities, obligations…” Dean lowered his head to the back of the couch, letting the tears flow freely down his face, into his ears. “What could be so important?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam sighed and settled back into the couch next to his brother, offering up solidarity and support even if he couldn’t say anything.  They sat like that for two more beers, barely speaking, until Sam set an oversized hand on Dean’s knee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go, Dean. I’m sorry.  But, listen, I can tell you I’m still working on this.  I’m still working on Cas’s case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With Mary’s House.” Dean nodded.  Sam was a good man. He wouldn’t let Michael get away with his bullshit, especially not after what happened with Claire and Max.  He was glad that, if nothing else, Cas was leaving behind a safe place for kids like them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We had more than one issue we were working on, not just Mary’s House,” Sam finally said, refusing to meet Dean’s eyes.  “I promise, I’m still working on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean didn’t look up, just listened as Sam closed the door behind him and started his car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slept on the couch that night, beer bottles on the coffee table and Garth curled up on the floor next to him, snoring softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Months passed as summer heat and moisture turned into autumn dryness.  The air had a chill that snuck into Dean’s bones, making him feel old despite not yet being 30.  He stopped attending movie night and other than going to Bobby’s shop to work alone in the garage; he barely left the house.  Sam came over at least once a week, but they barely spoke.  The only thing Dean wanted to hear about was the one thing Sam couldn’t say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only person he regularly talked to was Cas, whose phone was never on but whose voicemail still accepted calls.  That was the number he called in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep.  That was the number he called when he sat for hours in his workshop, unable to see the art in the grain of wood under his hands.  That was the number he called and cried to when there were no words left to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few weeks later, when the church board fired Michael, Dean was sure Cas would call him back after hearing the news.  The man’s involvement with Gordon, in addition to his treatment of Castiel, was a nail in his coffin.  The church sat without a minister. Dean thought that maybe if he wasn’t enough for Cas to stay for, the church might be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas never called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thanksgiving came and went with nothing but an angry voicemail from Bobby.  Dean deleted it without finishing.  He never heard Bobby telling him he was loved and that they were there for him whenever he was ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny stopped by a few times until even he’d had enough. “Come on, Chief, let’s get you outta here.  This cabin’s startin’ ta smell like wet dog and sweaty man, and not in the fun way.” he chuckled, but Dean just shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s no good wallowin’ like this, cher.  If Castiel cared like you say he do, then he wouldn’t be wantin’ this for you.” Benny sat on the couch, ignoring the pile of plates on the coffee table and the empty beer and whiskey bottles on the floor. “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, Benny.  I just can’t.  There’s no light at the end of this tunnel and I’m so tired.  I don’t know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pretend like it’s all okay.  He’s gone and he didn’t say a fucking thing and I’m so mad.  I’m just so angry and I can’t get over it.  I try to bury it like I have with everything else in my fucked up life, but it just hurts too much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Brother, that’s all fine, feel those feelin’s, but this ain’t no way to live.  You got peoples who love yas, but you’ve lost your joie de vivre and man, I ain’t got no advice on how to get through this kinda heartache, but you gotta find somethin’, somethin’ worth fightin’ for.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, sniffing and rolling his shoulders. “Yeah, yeah,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s about you get a shower and I’ll start doin’ some dishes before you get bugs in this here cabin, they probly gnawing on the wood tryin’ ta get in for some of these delicious leftovers.” Benny stood and started straightening like it wasn’t a big deal like it was the most obvious thing anyone could do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laid a hand on his shoulder on his way back to the bathroom. “Thanks, man, I… Thanks for being here.”  He clapped Benny twice and then disappeared down the hall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shaved and took his time in the shower, not letting himself feel guilty about Benny cleaning up after him, even though a part of him definitely was.  But he knew the man well enough to know he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t want to.  And if the roles were reversed, he’d be more than willing to do the same for him, without a second thought.  When he came out into the living room, the ceiling fans were all switched on, bringing a chill to the air that reminded Dean just how long Cas had been gone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled on jeans and a comfortable shirt, returning to his living room just as Benny was rewinding the vacuum cord up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t have to do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just passin’ the vacuum, airin’ the camp out for ya.” Benny shrugged and then pulled on his jacket.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean tried to keep his face from falling at the idea of his friend leaving.  More than anything, he didn’t want to be alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on then, Chief, I’m going to Harvelle’s, me.  You gonna come along, let me buy you a drink then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sighed, resigned to turning him down, but fuck it. If he was going to be miserable, he might as well be miserable and with Benny.  He slipped on his boots and shrugged his fall jacket on, slipping his phone in his pocket.  Just in case it rang.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Autumn turned to winter, and there was still no word.  Sam remained resolute in saying simply that he was working on it.  Dean eventually stopped asking and tried a little harder, returning to the occasional movie night, which, other than Charlie, everyone accepted without comment.  She, however, insisted on sitting on his lap as if he was going to disappear in front of her eyes all night and wouldn’t let him leave until he promised to come have lunch with her the next week., He even stopped by for dinner at Bobby’s once or twice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went through the motions, doing the things living people do, but he felt like a zombie, frozen from the inside out.  He called Cas less, but at night he’d wander into his room and lay on the twin bed, wishing he wasn’t alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In January, Sam called him with a strange request.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t even live here anymore,” Dean protested into the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, trust me.  Can you put the electric bill in his name?  Then, when you get it in the mail, save the envelope and the bill and bring them into the office.  Oh, and I need you to look in his desk and get a copy of one of his paystubs.  Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see what difference whose name is on the electric bill makes if I’m still paying for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t explain,” Dean sighed, so used to hearing it he hardly even reacted anymore, except for the blunted ache in his chest that hurt so bad he had to rub at it to remind himself it wasn’t real.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean…” Sam scolded, and Dean could almost see him shaking his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.  I’ll call today.  I don’t get what the point is since he’s gone, but I trust you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.  I promise…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re working on it.  I know that too.”  Dean hated the dejected sound of his voice.  He sounded as tired as he felt.  The pain he felt, the constant weight he carried had been with him now longer than Cas himself had, but he couldn’t shake it.  Not that he really tried.  Somehow, having that pain was a reminder of Cas, and if he couldn’t have the man himself, he’d take the hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In February, he was properly nesting in his cabin, watching Netflix, a fire in the fireplace, when his phone rang.  He didn’t jump to answer it anymore. His instant belief that it would be Cas died out months ago.  But his heart still fluttered and behind his eyes, pinpricks of tears betrayed his hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is Dean,” he answered, not recognizing the number.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, it’s me, Sam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you? The number was…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--at the courthouse, shut up and listen, I’m heading your way.  I need you to start packing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  We going on a road trip?  A little brotherly bonding while your wife is practically ready to burst with a baby?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not going, but you are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--where?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“--To Massachusetts”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam?” Dean’s breath stuttered out of him and he stumbled back to sit down.  “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got what we needed, Dean.  But Cas’s phone is turned off and I can’t get a message to him.  I don’t know if something’s happened to him but I have to get to him before the courts mail anything out.  We have to move fast.  I need you to drive out there.  He can’t fly.  I need you to bring him home.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. In My Head, There Remains So Much Left To Be Said</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Time Passes and Dean's Alone :(</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all the wonderful comments on the last chapter!  I LOVE hearing your feedback.  It inspired me to work extra hard to bring you this chapter early.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean sped down the highway, knowing, logically, that no matter how fast he went, he wasn’t going to get to Cas today, maybe not even tomorrow.  But he charged on, stopping only to gas up and grab whatever food came in a cellophane wrapper.  The miles ticked by and Sam’s words rang in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bring him home.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, his brother had worked his magic and fixed whatever it was that kept Cas back at that godforsaken compound where he grew up.  Dean gripped the wheel tighter and pressed down on the accelerator. Just thinking about the things those people had done to Cas made his blood boil and his anger spike.  He called them his family but they were supposed to love him, protect him.  But family don’t end in blood and maybe now Cas would understand that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean had spent years wishing his father could be different.  Wishing he loved him and Sammy enough to stop drinking, stop beating on them, stop losing all their money gambling or whoring or drinking.  Dean went without food more often than not just to make sure there was enough for Sam. He did whatever odd jobs the motels they lived in would give him, paying him a little cash under the table, taking pity on the abandoned kids in the room down the hall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he knew what it meant to love family.  He knew because he loved Sammy with everything he had and would do anything for that kid. Family wasn’t the father who gave him a black eye and split lip for talking back. Family was the times Dean stayed behind with Sam alone so his brother didn’t have to move to yet another school just because his Dad had gotten fired again and couldn’t find work now that everyone in town knew to look beyond the handsome, charming facade that was John Winchester.  Family wasn’t the man who left him and his brother.  Family was the man who took them in when he didn’t have to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now Sam had grown up into a good man despite their father.  He liked to think he had a part to play in that.  His whip-smart, smart-mouthed, fun-loving brother never had to know the feeling of a leather belt because he took it instead.  Dean took it every time and he’d do it again without thinking twice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So yeah, Dean understood what Cas meant about responsibility to family, but he also understood that sometimes you had to walk the fuck away and never look back, or that same family would kill you.  In Cas’s case, maybe literally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drove hard, laying down the miles with focused concentration, keeping the music on the heavy side of rock.  The scenery offered no distractions, just miles and miles of tarmac.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The certified letter his brother had asked him to deliver to Cas burned a hole in his shirt pocket. It called out to him, promising answers in a whispered temptation.  It wanted to be opened, but it was for Cas.  So he felt the outline of its corner with his fingers and pressed down on the accelerator, going just a little faster, pushing a little closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is what would bring Cas home.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tell him I sent you. Tell him I have a court date but it’s in two weeks and they have to be there in person.  Tell him this will work but he has to be in South Dakota, here, in person.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam didn’t want to call a courier service, too worried that the compound would never let the letter be delivered.  If it got there at all was a risk and then if Ishim opened it… He didn’t know what would happen but Sam implied it wouldn’t work out so great for Cas.  But Dean would never stop until he got to Castiel himself.  If there was any chance that what was locked away in the sealed letter could fix whatever the fuck had broken, it would take a legion of demons to keep him away.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Impala held steady as he sped over sand-covered highways, snow drifting down like a blanket. He drove into the night, exhausted and bleary-eyed.  When he couldn’t take anymore, he slept.  Normally, he’d get a motel room off the highway or find some little inn and rest up as much as he could, but Dean didn’t want to waste a single second, so he climbed into the backseat, bundled in the blankets he’d thrown in the trunk, and passed out.  Patently unwilling to stop for longer than it would take to restore what energy he needed to keep from driving off the road.  He slept for a few blissful hours, able to fall asleep fast and sleep hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He woke a few hours later and drove in the dead of night, the roads empty.  No one was around so he pushed the accelerator, willing to pay whatever speeding ticket he might get if there were police out this time of night. He drove straight across 90, zipped through Chicago, and skirted the US side of the border along the lakes.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the sun came up, Dean’s eyes began to water and his vision doubled.  The caffeine he’d downed after his last stop had pushed him forward another hour but his body was failing him.  He pulled off the highway and parked along a back road, peeing in the woods and then tucking himself into the back seat again.  His breath was visible around him, but the blankets cocooned him enough to stay warm.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wrapped his arms around himself and snuggled into the backseat, too small for a man his size, but he was warm and safe, which was more than it seemed Cas had by Sam’s urgency.  Dean’s gut ached, there was a hole in his center and nothing filled it, not food, not whiskey, not even the friends and family that he thought had been enough for him before… Before Cas walked into his fucking life and ripped the rug out from under him, leaving him sobbing dry tears by the side of the road, driving into the night on nothing but faith and hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he woke, it was morning and a new day.  He felt more rested than he’d expected and after a good yawn and stretch, he was back out on the highway, singing along with a local radio station that played top 40 songs he’d never admit to liking, but that kept him awake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he saw the “Welcome to Massachusetts” sign, his heart started pounding hard enough to make him worry he was having a panic attack. He had to stop and catch his breath before he could even consider how close he was.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today.  He would see Cas today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled off at the next exit and stretched his legs.  His ass was now permanently indented in the driver’s seat if it hadn’t already been and Dean absently wondered what sciatica felt like and if that’s what the killer pain in his back was.  But he didn’t care.  He had driven too fast, slept too little, and eaten nothing but crap for almost two days, but he was almost there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stepped into the restroom of the gas station and splashed water over his face.  He pulled a toothbrush and razor from his small travel bag and tried to make himself look like a reasonable approximation of a human being.  Not the shadow of himself he’d become.  Not the hollow-eyed fanatic who had just driven like a banshee to get here.  The man in the mirror looked back at him, and he didn’t look half bad.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed coffee, orange juice, and a bacon egg and cheese sandwich from the small deli in the gas station and hopped back in the car.  He slipped Air Supply’s Greatest Hits into the tape player.  No one was here to know and the songs were made to be sung along to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He zoomed up 91 until it was time to exit and follow the directions Sam gave him instead of the GPS.  He wound his way through the back roads of Massachusettes off the highway for almost an hour.  The roads became less and less reliable and he even drove over a crumbling wooden bridge with his heart in his throat and a prayer on his lips.  Eventually, he pulled up a long dirt road that wound its way through the trees until he was stopped a short distance from a large white house by a man with an AK47 in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holy fucking shit, where the fuck was he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean rolled his window down and cracked the charming smile that usually got him whatever he wanted, the letter in his pocket urging him on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A thin man dressed in black fatigues and a tight gray shirt with oily hair and dirty nails leaned down to look in the car. “What’s your business?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here to see Castiel Novak.” Dean’s voice didn’t even shake.  He’d have been proud of himself if he wasn’t worried about getting kidnapped and smuggled in a sex trafficking ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask who you were here to see.  I asked what your business was.” The man scowled, his eyes blue, but dull and cloudy, nothing like Cas’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean scrunched his brows, not quite sure what the difference was. But he wasn’t about to argue semantics with the man holding the assault rifle.  “Um, I’m his thesis partner from Seminary.  His phone isn’t working and I live just up in Vermont, so I drove down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Plates say South Dakota, not Vermont.” The man scowled, not missing a beat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh, yeah, it’s my Dad’s.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man pulled a walkie-talkie out of his belt and stepped back so Dean couldn’t hear him.  He wiped his hands on his thighs and looked around.  The dirt road continued up to the large house with a wrap-around porch.  It snaked further back where Dean saw a barn and another house before disappearing into the woods.  In the other direction, there was a clothesline and another small building. Dean was almost afraid to think about what it could be used for.  A few other men with guns milled around.  He felt like he’d walked into a movie, another world.  He had no sense of how big this place was or how many people lived here. This could be the whole rodeo or the tip of the iceberg.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas had said he grew up in a cult, but it hadn’t been real for Dean until now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thin man walked back and leaned almost inside Dean’s car. “Alright, you can park right there and go into the house. Someone will go fetch Castiel for you.  Don’t go nowhere else, just the house.  Understand?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, yeah, no problem.  Thanks.”  Dean shifted into drive and pulled up where the man had indicated and parked.  He made sure all the windows were up and doors locked before he got out of the car.  Something he’d never worried about before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked up the steps of the wrap around porch, the old wood creaking but in good repair and freshly painted. Someone had put planters with winter cabbage on the sides of the door and the welcome mat was cleaner than the one at Bobby and Jody’s house.  He stuffed his hands in his pockets to try and stop them from shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just focus on seeing Cas, don’t think about the fucking assault riffles or insanity of the situation. Just remember, you’re here for Cas.  That’s all that matters.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>An older man, thin with wiry gray hair, opened the door before Dean had a chance to knock.  “So you’re a friend of Castiel’s?” The man raised an eyebrow and looked Dean over as if he was seeing through to his very soul in judgment.  His clothes matched his skin and hair, shades of grey giving him a stern look.  He scowled and studied Dean. “I see you met Enoch.  I’m Ishim.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. I've Got A Lot Of Love And A Lot Of Nerve.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean drives like a bat out of hell to get to Cas</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ishim held out his hand and looked at Dean with deep-set eyes, so dark they were almost black.  It was all he could do not to haul back and punch the man for everything he’d put Cas through, but he knew that wouldn’t get him anywhere.  He wasn’t here for himself.  He was here to get Cas out.  Out of whatever the fuck was going on in this place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Dean,” he said, reaching out like he would for anyone else and shaking the man’s hand firmly.  The touch made his skin crawl, like scarabs burrowing under his skin to eat him from the inside out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in, so you’re a seminary student as well?  What denomination?” Ishim asked without anything even hinting at kindness in his face.  Most people at least faked a smile, for fucks sake. Realizing the question, Dean started to panic.  Shit.  He hadn’t thought about having to actually talk about his cover story and he knew about as much about church as he did about the fucking Ayatollah. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, Methodist, very uh, pro-Jesus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ishim gave him a half-smile and appraised him again. “What did you say your name was again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, Dean Winchester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny, Castiel hasn’t mentioned you or a thesis partner.  Did you have classes together or were you friends from outside of class?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uncle Ishim, stop interrogating the man,” A dark-haired woman with wavy black hair and blunt bangs hurried down the stairs into where they stood. She flashed them both a bright smile that curved up on the left side of her face, just like Cas’s.  “You haven’t even invited the man in properly and you’re already grilling him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She maneuvered herself between Isham and Dean and gave him a broad welcoming smile.  “Hi Dean, I’m Hannah.” She shifted the baby on her hip and reached out a hand to shake.  She wore a simple gray dress but had familiar, stunning blue eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, yes, right, Castiel’s sister.” Dean managed to choke out before shaking her hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in, let me make some tea.  Castiel has told me all about you and your wife, Lisa.  Thank you for looking out for my big brother while he was away.” Hannah said with a smile and intense direct eye contact that would have made him uncomfortable before he met Cas but that now felt somehow soothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, great. She would have come along, but she’s working today.” The lie was genius because it wasn’t entirely a lie. He and Lisa weren’t currently married but it painted him as a straight man who presented no threat or worry. He wondered what Cas had told her.  If Ishim got it in his head to ask about his home life, he knew what it was like to be married to Lisa, he didn’t want to use her like that, but if it would keep suspicions away from Cas, this was a smart way to do it.  Hannah was kind of a genius.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He followed her down a hallway and through a sitting room with wingback chairs and delicate upholstered couches. He paused as he saw the overflowing bookcases lining the walls and was momentarily reminded of Bobby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“These are the congregational bibles, family histories, and the journals of our leaders over the years, detailing family lines and position.” Ishim offered, running a finger over the leather-bound journals. “Castiel’s father is technically the leader of the community, but he’s been lost for 30 years now, so I’ve taken over the documentation of our home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well, that’s great.” Dean nodded, trying to keep his mouth shut and say as little as physically possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They continued to a large, cozy kitchen where two other women were working cutting vegetables.  One turned and raked her eyes over him with a glare.  He was dressed the same as always, not exactly out here in gogo shorts and a mesh tank top, but he felt like he might as well be naked under her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah gestured to Dean to sit and the large country table.  It was clean but covered in chaos: books, papers, utensils, tools, pieces of fabric, and someone’s knitting.  It reminded him so much of Cas it made his heartache.  The man was clean, constantly sweeping and wiping things down, but in a constant state of chaos, leaving things everywhere in the small cabin.  It made his chest tighten to think about Cas’s stuff on their table at home and how much he missed it.  “I was worried when Castiel’s phone stopped working.  We’re supposed to talk about his thesis.  Um, and mine, he was going to help me.  Honestly, I really need his help.  I’m a little lost.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he is very smart,” Hannah nodded, setting the baby in a makeshift playpen in the corner before grabbing a tea kettle. “Mother, this is one of Castiel’s friends from school.  Dean, this is our mother, Naomi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, ma’am.” Dean started to stand to shake her hand but Naomi just grunted at him with a raised eyebrow and returned to her work.  Her shoulders slumped forward and her auburn hair pulled back into a severe bun.  She was beautiful, striking blue eyes and porcelain skin, but she looked like something out of time, stern and anything but maternal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat in the kitchen watching Hannah as Ishim settled against the nearby wall, leaning against it and staring at Dean with his arms crossed.  How had he ended up here, in this place that might as well have been another country?  He touched his breast pocket to make sure the letter was still there and shuffled his feet in the miserable silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Dean,” Isham’s voice was a mockery of friendly conversation. “Do you and your wife have any kids?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, no sir, not yet.  I run two businesses, so that takes a lot of time right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t wait forever. You don’t wanna be my age with a toddler.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Naomi made a sound that sounded something like a laugh and a grunt smashed together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, of course not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How old are you, son?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s skin prickled. He hated being called son by anyone but Bobby.  Not even his real father had earned that right. “Just turned 29, sir, so there’s still time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hannah here is 29 and has three of her own already.  Little Ephram is the baby around here for now.”  Ishim gave a curt nod, just as the kettle whistled that the water was done for their tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah bustled around, setting out cups and teabags and pouring hot water.  Dean clenched his fists in his lap, trying to keep his focus on her and remembering that she was the reason Cas had survived as long as he did here.  She had covered for Dean.  There was at least one good person here and Dean thanked whatever God there might be that she was there for Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat and sipped tea in silence for a few minutes, Dean’s leg bouncing as he wondered what door Cas would come in from, what he looked like now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It snowing much in Vermont?” Ishim asked.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, a topic Dean could bullshit his way through.  “Not so much yet, sir, but it’s comin’ I’m sure of it.  We’ve had some ice, though, which makes the roads tricky in the mountains.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes of small talk that kept Dean’s tension ratcheted high in case he misspoke or somehow gave away why he was really here, the back door opened and a thinner, sharper Cas walked in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was all Dean could do not to stand up the instant his eyes landed on his sunken face and pull him into his arms.  He had grown in a dark beard, thick and neat, and cut his hair short, the top still sticking out a little wild, as if it refused to be contained no matter the consequences.  Dean saw a cut on his right cheekbone and a yellowed blackeye healing on his left, along with a swollen lip.  What else was covered by the beard and clothing?  He was thinner, dressed in a blue linen shirt and dark gray work pants.  And he was beautiful.  His eyes instantly honing in on Dean’s and flashing in recognition before a frown overtook his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Movement just behind him drew Dean’s attention.  Hanging onto the utility loop of Cas’s pants was a small child, blonde with almost iridescent blue eyes, thumb stuck firmly in his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas ushered the boy behind him, out of sight, before closing the door and turning to Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Dean.  What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh hey, Cas...tiel.  Um, your phone stopped working and I needed to talk to you about my thesis for school.  Our advisor, Sam, said, um, he suggested I should drive down and check on you, try to get back in touch.” Dean shrugged and fidgeted in his chair, trying his hardest not to do anything weird.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Weird</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  What even was weird anymore.  Look where he fucking was!  His entire life now defied the meaning of the word weird.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Castiel no longer needed access to his phone,” Ishim said harshly. “It was taken away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I needed to get in touch with him for school, so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ishim’s eye twitched and it was clear he wasn’t used to being contradicted.  Dean’s desire to throttle the man and punch his stupid face until it was concave and bloody only increased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded tersely, his lips pulling into a flat line. “Alright, then, why don’t we take a walk.” He leaned down and picked the boy up in his arms. Blonde hair hung down around his bright eyes, his cheeks full.  He was adorable, the kind of kid you saw in magazines.  What the fuck was he doing with Cas?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave Jack here,” Ishim said.  His tone one not to be trifled with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Papa Ishim!” the little boy cried, clinging to Cas’s neck, his blue eyes growing bigger by the moment. “I wanna go with Daddy!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy?” Dean asked, without meaning to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah shot him a silencing glare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stood stiffly, rubbing Jack’s back with one hand. “He’s no trouble,” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas opened the door and stepped out, not looking back as Dean followed and shut the door behind him.  Dean caught up and walked by his side, noting that Cas had a slight limp.  He stole glances at Cas’s hard features and Jack’s familiar ones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” Jack asked, peeking around Cas to look at Dean and tilting his head. The boy stole Dean’s breath.  His mannerisms, his jawline, everything about the little boy screamed Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m, uh, I’m Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Jack.” He held up one hand in greeting and then pat Cas on the face.  “This is my Daddy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Dean smiled, immediately enamored with the little man. “I’m friends with your Daddy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack scrunched up his face and looked at Dean through distrustful, squinted eyes. “Daddy doesn’t have friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean winced, his heartbreaking as he looked at Cas, who betrayed no emotion to that at all.  “Well, now Daddy has me.  And he has your Aunt Hannah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack considered that for a moment, until his face brightened, the sun shining directly out of his eyes. “And me.  I’m Daddy’s friend!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled a big whole heart smile that scrunched his nose up and brought out the lines around his eyes.  It threatened to send Dean to his knees with how much he’d missed seeing that. “Yes, Jack, you are my friend.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas finally looked at Dean for the first time.  His eyes narrow and nervous.  He set Jack down with a kiss in his hair and pointed to a tire swing up ahead. “Go play for a while.  We can read a story together when I’m done talking to Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” the boy sang sweetly and toddled off with a small skip to try to climb onto the swing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can speak freely out here.  No one is outside in this area at this time of day, but we can be seen through the windows.” Cas’s voice was inflectionless and he avoided eye contact as much as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yeah, alright, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Daddy</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sighed and gave him a long-suffering look. “Why are you here, Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice to see you too Cas, sure has been a long time.” When Castiel said nothing, Dean rolled his eyes. “Sam sent me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s chin popped up and for a moment, a flash of the old Cas, the one who’d held him and had a life with him, returned.  He lifted his eyebrows in question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wanted me to give you this,” Dean fished the letter from his jacket pocket and held it out but Cas didn’t reach for it. “He said to tell you he did it.  That he got it all figured out.  And he told me to bring you home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t return with you,” Cas looked over Dean’s shoulder at Jack and his voice softened.  “I have an obligation here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did Sam know about Jack?” Dean asked, trying not to feel betrayed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean hissed at the sting.  He knew his brother had to have known, only something this huge would warrant Sam’s secrecy, but still, knowing Cas had trusted Sam and not him hurt.  “He wouldn’t have sent me if you both weren’t supposed to come. If anyone understands how important it is to keep family together, it’s us. He said he had a court date and you had to physically be there.  He said he fixed everything.  Open the letter. Maybe it explains things better than I can since he couldn’t tell me… everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t tell you?  But you still came?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, looking away from Cas’s intense gaze. “I’d have gone to fucking Kurdistan if it meant I could bring you back home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas just nodded again and ripped open the letter.  He pulled it out and read it quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a summons.  Oh.  It’s a summons to Family Court to establish paternity.  It’s a custody hearing.”  Cas looked up at Dean with softness returning to his features and all Dean wanted in the world was to reach out and pull him into a hug, but he knew that wouldn’t be safe here. “But, I’m not a resident of South Dakota, how could I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you are,” Dean smiled and laughed out loud, fuck, his brother was smart. “Sam had me change the electric bill into your name.  And he had me hunt for copies of your pay stubs in your stuff.  Cas, that’s all it takes to establish residency.  You could get a new driver’s license today with just those two things, no problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if I have legal custody in another state, Jack can’t be taken from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  Who would take him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked at him and all the hurt and suffering he must have endured for the last months here showed on his face, “Jack has no birth certificate.  No social security number.  He was born here and his mother is dead.  There’s no proof he’s mine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Except that he looks like your damn clone,” Dean snarked and the whisper of a smile shone on Cas’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he does resemble me strongly.  Dean, do you remember what I told you about how punishing those you love is an effective tool to keep people in line?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean winced. “They wouldn’t hurt a child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shrugged. “They hurt me when I wasn’t much older than he is. Where do you think Jack got the idea I have no friends?  Control is insidious. It takes many forms.  That’s why I had to come back. I couldn’t just leave him to this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean fisted his hands.  He wasn’t sure if it was to stop himself from reaching out to Cas or to keep him from storming back in the house and beating the shit out of Ishim.  He shuffled his feet, wishing he had a warmer jacket for standing outside in the Massachusetts winter, and wondered how Cas wasn’t cold in just a thin shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then what’s the plan now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You take this letter back.  They can’t find it on me.” Cas handed the envelope back to Dean who crushed it deep into his jeans pocket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not leaving without you,” Dean paused and looked behind him, “both.  I’m taking you both home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas scrunched up his face and the tip of his nose turned red as he tried not to cry. “Okay, yes. I’ve been trying… Dean, I’ve been working for years to find a way to get Jack out of here.  Please believe me. I wouldn’t have left you if it wasn’t something so important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean turned away, not equipped to deal with more than one heartbreak at a time.  “We’ll talk about it later, Cas.  Let’s get you out of this fucking place first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, the Impala is loud and the guards are out here 24 hours a day in rotation, but they’re mainly looking to keep people out, not to keep us in. I should be able to get us out tonight with Hannah’s help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should she come with us?  Is she safe?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head and looked at the ground. “She’s already made her choices.  She won’t leave and she had kids here.  Thank you for thinking of her, though.  You are a good man, Dean.  I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, shut up. We don’t have time to get into all that and if you don’t want me to kiss you or punch you out here, then just let it go for now. We’ll deal with that, with us, later.” Dean frowned and looked at the ground.  “Tonight, though, what time should I meet you?  At the wooden bridge. Can you get that far with Jack?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded.  “I’ll get there, even if I have to carry him the whole way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d give anything to hold you right now,” Dean whispered, schooling his features so anyone watching couldn’t imagine the words he’d said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas frowned sadly and looked down.  “Tonight.  2 AM.  At the wooden bridge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s stomach wrapped itself in knots as he drove away from the big white house, leaving Cas and Jack behind.  Cas and his kid.  Cas, who was gay and had never had sex, and a fucking kid who looked exactly like him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shook his head.  There was way too much to think about right now and it never did him any good to jump to conclusions.  No matter how wild the speculations in his mind spun, he focused on what he needed to do.  Keep Cas and Jack safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fell back into survival mode.  It had been a long time but this was exactly how he lived when he and Sammy were still with their Dad. So Dean pulled into the small grocery store in the barely-a-town he found.  It had four isles and everything he needed.  He loaded up on water and soda, the makings for PB&amp;Js, cookies for the kid, and a bag of apples.  They even had a coloring book that came with a little pack of crayons that he grabbed.  It was going to be a long car ride.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he’d stocked his little cooler and set up a bag of goodies so they wouldn’t have to stop for too many snacks, he checked in at a little roadside inn.  The rooms were run down and one of the light switches inside did nothing but start a strange churning noise he couldn’t find the source of, but it was good enough.  He hauled his duffel bag inside, sorted his dirty clothes, and repacked it for the trip home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was convinced he would be ready when it was time to pick up Cas and Jack, he took off his clothes and climbed into the too-soft bed, forcing the questions and fears in his mind to be silent so he could sleep as much as possible.  The more rested he was tonight, the farther he could drive before stopping or having Cas take over, and more than anything, he wanted to be back in Sioux Falls where they would be safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like when he was a teenager, he laid flat on his back and forced his mind blank, playing over lyrics of songs in his head until all other thoughts disappeared and he fell to sleep.  It had been his superpower.  He could sleep anywhere.  Concrete floor and one twin bed?  No problem, give it to Sammy.  No food and just a sleeping bag in the back of a truck?  No problem, Dean would find a way to scrounge up enough change to buy one hotdog and water for Sam at the gas station and he’d sleep in the cab, his 6’1” frame cramped and knotting from the uncomfortable position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he did it to keep Sam safe and fed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he could do it again now for Cas.  Cas and Jack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His alarm woke him up at 1 AM.  He rushed to brush his teeth and throw some water on his face.  Taking a moment to stare himself in the mirror.  This was nuts.  He was about to abduct two people from a fucking armed cult in the middle of the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If anyone doubted how he felt about Cas, he was about to fucking prove it.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. There’s This Ominous Silence Just Waiting To Be Broken</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean meets Ishim, Hannah and finally sees Cas again.<br/>Nothing on the compound is what he'd expected but Dean is determined to get Cas out.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos and notes.  I know we're really in the thick of it now so this was supposed to be 2 chapters but I decided to put them together since it flows well as one and damnit you guys deserve it.  Thanks again and enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean dressed and zipped up his bag quickly.  After throwing the duffel in the trunk, he slid in behind the wheel on the Impala, ready to take on the whole damn world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drive out to the wooden bridge was easier the second time.  He turned off his lights about half a mile from where they were set to meet but kept the car running.  He had a full tank of gas, blankets, food, and a give ‘em hell attitude.  All he needed now were the two people he waited for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was there and ready at 2AM as they agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 2:30 AM he turned off the engine, not wanting to waste gas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 3 AM he got out of the car and looked into the distance.  Would Cas be coming along the road or would he be in the woods?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 4 AM he was starting to consider walking up to the house from here and dragging them out by hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 4:30 AM he heard a rustle in the bushes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned just in time to see Cas’s eyes wide, his chest heaving with his breath, and the child clinging to his neck.  He ran over and grabbed Jack, pulling him off Cas despite the surprising strength of the almost 4-year-old clinging to his father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay buddy, I’m gonna help you and your Dad.  It’s me, Dean, remember?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack stared at him in the moonlight, unsure as Dean carried him quickly to the car, leaving Cas to follow behind.  When he opened the back door, he dropped Jack on the seat. “Grab a blanket and cover-up.  You can go back to sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy?” The boy whispered, fear tinging his words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get him, you stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean turned back and saw Cas limping, barely out of the treeline, blood running down one of his legs. All he had with him was his computer bag strapped across his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?” he whisper/yelled rushing back to wrap an arm around Cas’s waist and help him stumble to the car.  His heart pounded in his chest, the sound of his worry screaming in his ears.  How hurt was he? What did they do to him?  What would they do if they were caught? Images of Cas beaten and on fire flashed in his mind and he squeezed the man closer, practically trying to carry him to the car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We got stuck, the guards were out patrolling on high alert.  Ishim probably expected this.  We had to climb out of the shed through the window to get over the fence. I was injured from the glass…” Cas winced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, should we go to a hospital?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m fine.  It’s not deep.  I can clean it when we stop.  We need to get as far away from here as fast as we can.  They’ll be awake in an hour and both of us missing will be noticed quickly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean started to pull the passenger door open but Cas stepped back and climbed into the back seat with Jack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll sit back here, it’ll make you less suspicious if someone sees your car.  No passengers.”  Cas pulled the door shut before Dean could say anything.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Dean was back in the driver’s seat and the car on the road, Cas had settled into the back, a little boy lying on his chest almost back to sleep with his thumb in his mouth, one blanket propping up Cas’s head and the other covering them both.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You aren’t gonna bleed out or something if you fall asleep, are you?” Dean asked only kind of kidding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s really not that bad.” Cas yawned and rubbed Jack’s back through the blanket. “Dean, thank you.  I know I owe you a lot of explanations.  I understand that this changes things, but thank you.  You saved our lives.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, looking at Cas in the rearview mirror.  Knowing about Jack did change some things, yeah, but in a lot more ways it changed nothing at all.  He kept his eyes on the road so he could leave the headlights off for as long as possible and when he felt it was safe, he looked back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas had drifted to sleep, arms protective around his son.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grabbed his phone and took an out of focus, too dark picture of them and texted it to Sam. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Got ‘em</span>
  </em>
  <span> was all it said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean drove as the sun came up.  He drove as the backroads wound back to each other and over-familiar scenery.  He got them lost in the landscape of New England, away from the highways and any searching eyes.  He found it hard to believe Cas’s people would come this far looking for him, but he honestly had no idea what lengths they may go to.  And if they reported the boy kidnapped there could be police after them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he kept driving.  He didn’t dare turn on the music.  The longer they slept, the faster he could get them woven into the backstreets of Americana.  It was late morning when he heard mumbling and a little voice murmuring a complaint.  Dean stretched his ears to hear as Cas and Jack whispered together.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean couldn’t help but wonder how long it had been just them.  Cas said he had an obligation.  He’d never imagined it was an entire fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>person</span>
  </em>
  <span> and now that he knew, Dean couldn’t figure out how he felt.  Where was Jack’s mother?  Had Cas loved her?  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A surge of unreasonable jealousy rose in his chest.  It wasn’t fair of him to be upset at the idea of Cas being with someone else.  He had been married.  He even showed Cas pictures of him and Lisa.  Didn’t Cas have the right to a past?  But it still made his heart clench and his insides twist.  Because it all felt so very wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas said softly from the backseat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him in the rearview mirror, taking in the deep hollows under his eyes and the fading bruise, but seeing right behind those things, barely hidden, the beautiful man he cared about.  “What’s up, Cas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack needs to use the restroom.  Can you pull over?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, ah I think we’re about 25 minutes from a town.  We can find someplace there.” Dean replied, barely able to look away from Cas’s blue eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel chuckled, the first light sound he’d heard come from the man since he arrived and Dean felt something desperate, something like hope, flair in his chest. “No Dean, just pull over, he won’t last 25 minutes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unless you want urine on your leather seats.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got the picture, Cas, you can stop talking now,” Dean laughed and glanced back just in time to see the flutter of a smile in return.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Jack peed against a tree by the side of the road, Cas settled them into the front seat.  The impala didn’t have a seatbelt in the middle but he didn’t have a carseat in the back either.  Cas strapped them into the passenger seat together, pulling Jack onto his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drove for another hour or so mostly in silence.  Jack dozed against Cas’s chest and Dean’s insides went all gooey every time he glanced over at them.  Not that anyone needed to know that.  Not that he’d admit it.  Unless you asked because there’s no way he’d be able to keep from telling you about how freaking adorable they were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a small town somewhere in the general direction of home, Dean pulled into a parking lot for lunch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn’t we do drive-thru or something?” Cas asked, eyes darting around looking for anyone familiar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t Cas.  I drove straight to you, barely stopping to sleep.  I gotta stretch my legs some and sit somewhere that isn’t imprinted with my ass, and caffeinate.  Cas, I need caffeine.  Like, injectable, liquid, dark caffeine.” He turned and looked right at Cas, catching his eyes and holding them for the first time.  He reached out and took his hand gently. “It’s really good to see you, man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas blushed, the pink of his cheeks rising up from behind the beard. “Yeah,” he said before squeezing his fingers and letting go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t much, but Dean would take it.  Cas had seemed half dead back at the compound, that monotone voice and dull eyes had killed Dean. And now the car ride had been so quiet, they’d never had that kind of silence between them and Dean couldn’t stop his mind from spinning with worry.  He’d thought he’d seen Cas at his worst with the sheet tents and the freakouts, but he’d trade this deafening silence for that in a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas woke Jack up gently and opened the car door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, carry me,” Jack whined earning himself a glare from Cas that made Dean want to apologize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re too old to whine like that, you know it doesn’t work on me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mister Dean?” Jack asked, with the head tilt and big blue eyes and Dean predictably buckled like a belt.  He walked over and scooped the little guy up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, you aren’t helping.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack and I disagree,” he said happily and carried the boy into the diner.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the waitress sat them down and gave Jack a kids menu with crayons. Dean stole the blue one and drew his world famous dinosaur for him. “Wow, it looks just like my books, Mr. Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean frowned at hearing that again. “I don’t think I like ‘Mr. Dean’.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked at him with raised eyebrows. “It’s polite.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but it’s too formal.  Jack, yesterday you just called me ‘Dean’, can we go back to that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack looked up at Cas, waiting for his father’s proclamation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” Cas said with a shake of his head.  “It's not like I can stop you anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean reached out and Jack had to lean forward and almost stand on his seat to give him a high-five.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So Jack, do you go to school yet?” Dean asked as they waited for the waitress to come, unable to stand the silence and knowing there was probably nothing he could even begin to discuss with Cas in front of the boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet, but I goes to Sunday School, and Aunt Hanna teaches me from her books and Daddy reads to me at night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah? That sounds awesome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, when Daddy’s at his school I only get bible stories, but Daddy brings home books about animals and monsters and,” Jack leans forward to whisper, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>dinosaurs</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But we can’t tell Papa Ishim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas ruffles the boy's hair with a fond grin, it’s the first thing he’s really done since they sat down, up until then he’d mostly been looking out the window with a furrowed brow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled and held out his pinkie, “Pinkie promise, I won’t tell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack and Cas both tilted their heads at him at the exact same time with matching looks of confusion and it was all Dean could do not to laugh at them.  Man, even if Cas hadn’t told him, he’d know this was his kid immediately.  They even looked a little annoyed with him the same way with that crease in between their eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A pinkie promise is a promise you absolutely can’t break.  So when I hold out my pinkie like this, you hold out yours and we kind of wrap them around each other.  Once you’ve done that, you have a sacred duty to uphold your pinkie promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean held out his pinkie and Jack studied him for a minute, eyes narrowing as if he were trying to use x-ray vision on his fingers.  Then Jack exhaled and nodded as if he’d made a life-altering decision and reached out his pinkie, wrapping it around Deans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the waitress came, Dean and Cas both ordered burgers and Jack got a hotdog with fruit pieces and a glass of milk.  If Dean wasn’t already enamored with the kid, his heart expands to take over the space in his chest he’d previously used for breathing when their food came and Jack asked Dean to cut his hotdog up for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, Buddy, no problem.  You know, I used to do this for my little brother all the time.  He wasn’t as cute as you though, just don’t tell him that.”  He winked and sliced the hotdogs down the middle and then into pieces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Dean.” Jack’s smile beamed at him as Cas squirted ketchup on his plate in a smiley face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They dug into their food, eating silently.  Dean glanced at Cas, hoping to catch a smile or exchange one of those meaningful looks Cas was so good at, but his attention was either on his food, his son, or the window.  It's like Dean wasn’t even there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was eating him up and he was trying really hard not to make this about him or play the martyr but he drove all the fuck out there, walked into a cult, found out his boyfriend has a fucking kid, and now </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> the one being ignored.  He’d spent months trying to understand what happened, why Cas would take off like that after a newspaper article his family probably didn’t even see.  What in the fucking world could be so important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now he gets it.  The ketchup smeared face sitting right in front of him explained everything and even though he’s still hurt Cas didn’t tell him and he’s got a fuck ton of questions, he gets it.  So why was he the one who felt like he did something wrong?  As his mind spiraled out of control, he could feel his face morph into a snear and even though he tried to school it, to hold it back, it got away from him.  He ate his burger quickly, wanting to get back on the road, wanting to </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was about to excuse himself to use the bathroom when he felt a tap on his foot.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes darted directly to Cas, who looked tired and worn, but he met Dean’s gaze and held it steady.  Eventually, he even managed a little smile.  When he taped on his foot again and mouthed </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> all of Dean’s anger slipped away.  Because in the end, he’d do anything Cas needed, no matter what the cost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drove for a few more hours, snacking on what Dean had packed, and sung hymns that Dean was surprised to find he knew most of the words to.  Eventually, Jack leaned against Cas to whisper, but he was still really loud, and asked, “Can we sing our secret song?  Is it okay with Dean here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas chuckled and squeezed the boy before smiling softly. “It’s okay, Dean is a safe person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s chest might have puffed up a little at that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like Aunt Hannah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.  Now, do you remember the start?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack started humming something that tickled the back of Dean’s mind, but when Cas started singing, lower than his voice wanted to go, but so sweetly, he had to bite his cheek to keep from bursting out into laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Look at what's happened to me</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I can't believe it myself</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack joined in and they sang louder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Suddenly I'm up on top of the world</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>It should have been somebody else</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the chorus, Dean couldn’t help joining in. His voice loud and sure.  He even managed to break into harmony at one point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I never thought I could feel so free</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Who could it be?</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em></em>
  <span>Believe it or not, it's just me</span>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it?” Jack gave Dean the biggest happiest smile he thought he’d seen in his entire life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s a classic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sang the rest of the song, and some folk songs that Dean kind of knew. When they got bored, he slipped in a Kansas tape, figuring it was something the kid might like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jack just couldn’t take sitting still anymore and he needed to wiggle around, be a kid, watch some damn cartoons; Dean pulled into a no-name motel on a no-name street in a no-name town and got them a room.  Jack ran around them in circles as they unpacked the car with what they needed for a night, spinning until he’s dizzy and singing gibberish songs.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room was ugly and old, but cleaner than Dean had expected.  There’s a mini-fridge with a freezer he put their food and ice packs in and a nice big bathroom.  Two Queen Beds lined one wall while a small table with two chairs sat against the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing Cas did when they were done unpacking was close the curtains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, we gotta clean that leg, man.” Dean pulled the first aid kit he kept in the car out of his bag and grabbed a towel from the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can handle it, Dean.” Cas said, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room while Jack riffled through the old fashioined phone book that was in one of the bedside tables.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, take off your pants.” Dean rolled his eyes before wetting a washcloth with warm water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he came back, Cas sat on the end of the bed in his dirty shirt and a pair of ill-fitting boxers.  It took everything Dean had not to drink in the sight of Cas’s skin so he focused on the bloody thigh.  He knelt down in front of Cas and ran the warm washcloth over his thigh, carefully and slowly removing the dried blood and cleaning the wound.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see any glass in there and it doesn’t look that deep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I told you, it’s not that bad.” Cas grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah yeah, you’re a real tough guy.  Let me just put some antibiotic ointment on it and a bandage.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to shower.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll use a waterproof one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas signed and the tension in his body dissipated into the ether. “Thank you, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime, buddy.  I just wish you wouldn’t fight me every step of the way.”  Dean spread the ointment evenly over the wound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m unaccustomed to such kindnesses.  I forget what it’s like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s heart broke a little, the flutter of a bird with a broken wing struggled in his chest and he didn’t know what to do or say to make any of this better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you guys get cleaned up and I’ll order us pizza for dinner,” Dean offered, resting a hand on Cas’s shoulder tentatively.  They’ve barely spoken and he didn’t know what was going on in the other man’s head but he ached to offer some kind of comfort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s body slumped and he tilted his head, leaning his cheek against the back of Dean’s hand.  He sniffed and looked up at Dean with glassy eyes and just mouthed another silent </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thank You.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean didn’t know how to react so he just nodded and left his hand on Cas’s shoulder until he stood up.  What was he supposed to do?  He didn’t feel like he could say anything in front of Jack without knowing what Cas wanted the boy to hear and he couldn’t touch him like he wanted to.  So he just waited.  Offering what he could.  Trying to ignore the thrum in his chest from the feeling of Cas’s beard against his skin or the look of his lips when he whispered to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I brought some of your clothes, if you want to change.” Dean ran a hand to the back of his neck at the wide-eyed surprised look Cas gave him “You didn’t take any of your stuff when you left so I figured you’d want like your yoga pants at least.  I don’t have anything for Jack, but he can sleep in one of my shirts tonight and we can pick up clothes somewhere tomorrow.  There’s got to be a little thrift store or something we can hit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was very thoughtful of you, Dean.  I’ll give Jack a bath while we wait for the pizza.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two Novak boys shuffled into the bathroom and Dean sat on the end of one of the beds.  He listed to the sound of running water, of little kid giggles, of Cas’s low voice speaking calmly and soothingly.  He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but the ringing of Cas’s laugh filled the hotel room and cracked Dean’s serenity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped his head into his hands and scrubbed at his face.  He was so in over his head.  He’d just absconded with his boyfriend and kidnapped his kid, and his biggest worry was whether or not Cas still liked him.  What the fuck was wrong with him.  Priority wise, he was making some kick-ass decisions.  While they were distracted, he took the time to check his phone and call Sam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Dean!  I’ve been waiting for you to call.  Are you alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t you get my text?” Dean asked, dropping back to lay on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, I just didn’t know if you’d have trouble, or if anyone would be on your tail.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been sticking to back roads, staying off the highways, and taking some not so direct routes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, that’s smart.” Sam sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think they’d come after us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know man, there’s some fucked up shit going on there and the more I find out about it the happier I am we got Cas out.  How is he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s… I don’t know.  He doesn’t talk much and I don’t know if that’s him or if it's ‘cause Jack’s listening to everything we say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, listen, about Jack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I get it, you couldn’t tell me.  I’m sorry if I was a dick the last few months.  I hadn’t even imagined that something like this was at stake.  I was all worried Cas’ family was like cooking meth or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If only,” Sam chuckled. “We could get him out of that easy.”  There was a pause, and Dean knew Sam wanted to say something else, but he just waited, letting the easy silence of really knowing another person fan between them. “So what’s Jack like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You won’t believe it when you meet him,” Dean smiled and realized he really liked the kid. “He looks exactly like Cas, I mean like clone-level exactly.  His hair is blonde but that’s the only difference.  He even does Cas’s head tilt thing and scrunches his nose up when he’s confused about something.  It’s freaking adorable.  And he’s funny.  He’s a good kid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not surprised.  Cas is a good man,” Sam says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, keep me updated.  Our court date isn’t until next week so take your time if you need to.  It’s a long drive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Sammy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,  Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, for helping them.  I know I didn’t make it easy, but fuck, knowing you’ve been in their corner this whole time, I just… Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, no problem, Dean, I mean that. Cas is family. Text or call me a lot so I don’t worry too much, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Nana Singer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Sammy,” Dean hung up the phone just as Cas opened the door to the rest of the room and called out for Dean to throw him something for Jack to wear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they came out, Jack is squeaky clean and wearing Dean’s Led Zeppelin shirt, but Cas is now soaking wet.  Apparently, bath time is an immersive experience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Dean.  Can you and Jack hang out?  I need to shower quickly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem.  Jack and I are buddies now, right little man?” Dean held up his hand and Jack ran over and jumped up to smack it with his own.  “Hold on, let me get your clothes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Cas showered, the pizza arrived and Dean paid with cash while Jack helpfully grabbed and repeatedly dropped the soda bottle he’d ordered.  Dean set them up to eat at the small table, opting for water and juice from the fridge instead of exploding soda, and tucked napkins into Jack’s shirt to try and keep him a little clean.  Selfishly he also didn’t want his t-shirt ruined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them sat in relative silence as they eat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jack’s done, he hopped down, let Cas clean his hands, and then spun around while telling them a story about his pet snake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack, did Hanna really let you have a pet snake?” Cas asked, with a gentle smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Felix was secret until he ran away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, you had a secret pet snake that ran away in the house?” Dean interrupted, speaking with his mouth full.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was my friend, and he was cold so I brought him inside and I told him to stay in my room and be good and I kept my door closed.  When Daddy’s not there I have my own room, but then we shared it when Daddy came home, but Felix was already gone by then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By “gone” do you mean still missing in the house?” Cas’s spine shot straight as a board and his eyebrows flew up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmhmmm, Grandmother said he was probably dead.” Jack looked at the floor and stopped his constant motion for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was a lost snake in the house and no one told me,” Cas laughed with a shiver.  “Figures.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they’d all finished eating they played imaginary games and Cas and Jack taught Dean a patty cake hand game they knew.  The room even had a deck of cards in it so they played go fish until it was time for Jack to go to bed.  The little boy climbed up into one of the queen-sized beds and Cas snuggled on top of the covers next to him, leaving Dean on the floor to clean up the cards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, tell me a story,” Jack yawned and stuck his thumb in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Once upon a time, there were three little girls…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack laughed, “Not that one.  Tell me a story about Mama.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s hands stilled.  He felt like he was intruding on a private moment, that this was something he wasn’t supposed to know about, but he couldn’t resist.  He needed to know more. He slowly continued his chores, back to Cas, ears straining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas made a noise Dean had never heard before and then there was the rustling of sheets. “Okay, one story and then sleep, deal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deal,” Jack’s voice was already slurring from sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When your mama and I were little, she, Hannah, and I did everything together.  One day, she wanted fancy braids in her hair like she’s seen Grandmother do for Aunt Hester’s wedding.  Hannah and I spent all day, wetting and combing Mama’s beautiful brown hair.  It was really long then, all the way down her back.  She had to sweep it out of the way before sitting down or she’d sit on it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack laughed and Dean heard another rustling sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We braided it all and then braided the braids, and then twisted them all together so the braids fit like a crown around her head.  She looked like a true princess when we were done.  We went out in the garden and picked lavender to weave into the braids so she looked like a fairy princess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty,” Jack mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was very pretty.  The prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” Cas took a deep breath and Dean could feel the heaviness of his exhale. “When Grandmother saw what we had done, she was so impressed she let Hannah help with Rachael’s hair during her confirmation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boys aren’t allowed to do hair,” Cas explained, his tone neutral.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you did it, right Daddy, you did it anyway?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.  I still did it, and your mama was so happy, she left those braids in for two whole weeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean dropped his head, there was so much sorrow in Cas’s voice, he didn’t even know how to process it.  He wanted to hold Cas.  He wanted to make it better.  But loss like that, he understood. Loss like that never gets better, it just gets quieter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Jack.” Cas leaned down and kissed his son on the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night, Daddy. G’dnight, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled and turned around to the softest, tenderest scene he’d ever witnessed.  Cas curled up behind his son, spooning him and running fingers through his hair, looking at Dean like the whole world had shifted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Jack.  Sleep Well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you be here tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the tomorrow after that,” Dean nodded as the boy closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas climbed out of the bed and turned off the lights in the room except for the bathroom light and the small lamp by the table.  He walked past Dean, running his fingers through his hair, and sat at the table, watching from across the room as Jack fell asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s touch immobilized Dean.  Taking away his breath and all rational thought.  That simple touch was the most he’d gotten since he first arrived at Cas’s family’s house, and his scalp tingled, desperate for more. Seeing Cas again had started a burning ache in him, one that grew with every minute they were together.  Having Jack around was like having someone else in charge of his self-control.  The boy came first, he’d believe that no matter what. Kids man, people take them for granted but he knew how important it was to let them stay kids for as long as possible.  His Dad hadn’t cared about that, he hadn’t cared what he and Sam heard or saw, so it was always up to him to make sure his little brother learned right from wrong.  But with Jack asleep, Cas’s touch was like fire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean took deep breaths, steadying himself, not sure what to do with the way his skin felt every movement of the air.  He wanted to scream at Cas, drag the whole story out of him.  He wanted to kiss him until they couldn’t think or feel anything but each other.  He wanted to storm out of the door and get shit faced until he could stand to come back and deal with this whole situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He puttered around a little, changing into his pajamas and brushing his teeth, before sitting with Cas at the table by the window.  Cas just sat there, not moving, not looking at anything, just sitting.  And it killed something in Dean to see him like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas?  You ah, you okay?  I bet you’re tired.” He tried to catch Cas’s eye, but they were glassed over and whatever he was looking at wasn’t in this room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her name was Kelly.  Kelly Kline.  And she was my best friend.” Cas began quietly.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Let's Just Say That Things Look Different Now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean saved the day and whisked Cas and Jack away for a road trip toward home.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Her name was Kelly.  Kelly Kline.  And she was my best friend.” Cas began quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean held his breath, his eyes darted over to where Jack slept, covered by a mound of blankets.  His heartbeat sped up as he strained to hear every word Cas said, but at the same time, dreading whatever he had to tell him. The man looked wrecked, absent, and lost.  And Dean couldn’t help but notice Cas had said “was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hannah, Kelly, and I were inseparable.  We were the only ones around our age.  The next set of kids was older and all boys.  My brother Uriel was like a little gang leader and I did everything I could to avoid them.  As I got older, their taunting and beatings only got worse, they knew they’d never get in trouble for it even if they got caught.  So when I needed a place to hide, I’d go to Kelly’s house.  Her parents didn’t approve of our friendship but they knew I wasn’t a threat to her, so I was allowed to stay the night on her floor when things got really bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head, his eyes glassy and distant, he had a small smile on his face, like the echo of a memory that had once been happiness.  He still didn’t look Dean in the eye, lost in his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was the one who nursed me through the fevers as I healed from the burns, making sure they didn’t get infected and keeping the skin clean.  It was an ugly job, gruesome.  I was black and charred and screamed as she peeled the dead flesh away from my wounds.  Without her, I would have died from it.  I think a part of them wanted me to die from it, but Kelly wouldn’t let that happen.  She never gave up on me. Even when we were little she was the one who always stitched me up so I didn’t have to tell my mother when I had been punished.  Never my mother, never my family.  Always Kelly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You loved her,” Dean said, awed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In a manner, yes. Before coming to Sioux Falls she was the only real friend I ever had.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Hannah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas rolled his eyes through his tears, “She’s my sister.  It’s different.  You know that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean let out a hum and crossed his legs.  He leaned against the small formica table and waited for Cas to continue.  Pushing him now would be cruel, Cas needed to get the story out on his own terms and even though Dean bubbled with questions, he also fell into the vision of the girl Cas knew.  Young and brave, she must have loved Cas fiercely and despite the edge of jealousy he couldn’t help, Dean was grateful for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kelly was matched to marry right when I finished college.  No one bothered trying to match me.  No one would have wanted their daughter tied to me and I’d made my peace with that.  I was content to live alone and let life flow by until I didn’t have to endure it anymore.  But Kelly was set to marry a widower.  A man named Zachariah.  He was old and mean and there were rumors about him and his daughter that would turn anyone’s stomach.  So when Kelly came to me and begged me to marry her, to save her from him, I said yes.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sniffed and looked up as if answers to the universe resided in the popcorn ceiling in a dingy motel room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I went to her father, he agreed, thinking it at least with me she’d be loved and cared for.  He knew I would never hurt her even if it wasn’t a real marriage.  I didn’t have much to offer and my disinterest in girls wasn’t a secret, but if Kelly was willing to live a life with me without that kind of love, I was more than willing to give it to her.  Ishim thought the whole thing was hysterical, but almost like he was trying to prove a point, he agreed to the marriage.  His condition was we had one year for Kelly to get pregnant or it would be annulled and she’d have to marry Zachariah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit,” Dean interrupted, caught up in the story.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas chuckled and sniffed. “No, I assure you it was quite serious.  If our marriage was annulled it would be evidence against me, that my sins hadn’t been absolved.  I’d been so careful for so long.  I couldn’t imagine what Ishim might do to me next.  So when Kelly got pregnant almost immediately, no one believed it was mine. But they had no proof.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he is, it’s clear as day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, as soon as he was born it was obvious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you had sex with her?” Dean blurted out.  “I’m sorry, it… it doesn’t matter, you don’t have to tell me.” He slammed his lips shut, pulling his hands into fists on his knees, not wanting to hear the answer but still needing to know.  He didn’t know why it mattered.  Cas had a past, everyone had a past.  But it felt important like Cas had secrets on top of secrets and he needed to hear them all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas winced and a blush came over his features. “Of a sort.  It was all very... perfunctory... and over very fast.” Cas looked down at the table, studying the pattern of dots before him, his face unreadable.  After a pause, he continued.  “I’d get… close, and then just... finish with her.  Neither of us was happy about it, but Kelly was kind and never made me feel more awkward about it than I already did. I felt terrible I couldn’t offer her the kind of love she deserved so I tried to do everything I could to make the whole thing palatable.  But in the end the prospect of having a baby made her very happy, and I can’t say it didn’t make me excited too, even if that wasn’t how I’d prefer to go about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So Ishim forced you to have sex.” Dean sighed, scratching at his stubble.  Every time he thought he’d heard the worst about Cas’s past, something new came down the line and shocked him all over again.  Isham was the lowest, most vile person he could imagine.  His abuse went so far as to be a rapist by proxy, forcing misery on everyone around him.  If Dean had a free pass and could kill one person without consequences, he’d always thought it would be Hitler, but he changed his mind.  He wanted to kill Isham more than he had imagined possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel didn’t answer, looking down and picking at the cuticles of his fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack is the reason I was allowed to go to seminary.  The minister and elders decided I must have truly reformed if I was building a life with a wife and child.  So they let me go, provided I came home for every break.  Which I would have done anyway to see Jack and Kelly.  He was born in May before my first year of school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s tears started to flow freely, his nose and eyes red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kelly, um, she was so strong, but she got an infection and I wasn’t permitted to take her to the hospital.  She died when Jack was four days old.  So my reasons for going to seminary changed.  I’d thought I would go and come back home and try to change things.  I thought I could be happy enough with Kelly and our child.  But when she died, I swore Jack wasn’t going to be raised there.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I left him.  Hannah’s mostly raised him so far.  I went home for every visit possible and tried to manage my schedule so I would have longer breaks.  This summer was the longest I’ve been away from him, but Hannah would show him my picture every night and tell him stories about me.  I’ll never be able to repay her.  He’ll be four this May, and we’ve never had much time together.  But I knew he’d be okay without me if he had Hannah, but as he got older that place was going to start to influence him.  I’ve missed him so much, and Kelly…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head before wiping away his tears.  His half smile every time he said Kelly’s name dug under Dean’s skin, burrowing its way right to his heart so it could shred it to pieces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In the real world, outside of that place, I got all my ids and documents and I got perfect scores in every class and on every paper, I focused on nothing else.  I didn’t make friends or join activities.  I laid the foundation to build something but I didn’t even really know what that something was.  I got a job and a bank account for the first time and a passport.  I did everything a real person would do, so when I left with Jack, we could run and I might have a chance to build a life where we’d be happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I haven’t done everything yet.  I don’t have any papers for him.  I don’t have proof of paternity or even maternity because Kelly is gone and there’s no birth certificate. Hell, there isn’t even a legal marriage certificate on file.  That’s what I asked Sam for help with.  If he could help get me custody, legal rights to Jack.  The sooner I had that, the sooner I could try to leave with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up at Dean and met his eyes for the first time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” Cas gasped as the tears came in earnest and Dean couldn’t just sit anymore. He stood and pulled Cas against his body, running his hands through the strangely short hair and stroked his back.  “I couldn’t risk it, I couldn’t tell anyone.  If I went to the police Jack would be taken by the State. I’d probably never see him again.  And if Ishim found out I had told people about the compound who knows what he would do to me or Hannah or Jack, or God, you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All Dean’s anger and resentment melted out of him when Cas wrapped his arms around his waist and through choked tears he stuttered, “I missed you so much.”  They stayed like that, not speaking, well into the night, until Cas fell into bed with Jack and Dean laid in his bed staring at the ceiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning, they took the long way home</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack couldn’t stand being in the car for too long at a time and he had to pee all the time anyway, so they plodded through the back roads, and Cas mined the internet on Dean’s phone to find the best roadside attractions he could find.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their first stop was the </span>
  <a href="https://www.rockhall.com/">
    <span>Rock and Roll Hall of Fame</span>
  </a>
  <span> just outside of Cleveland OH. Dean was in Heaven, talking them through every display until even Cas couldn’t pretend to be interested anymore.  Jack did enjoy the Pink Floyd The Wall display and giggled his way through the whole thing.  After an hour, he was climbing all over Cas, sitting on his shoulders, and asking to be swung.  He climbed up and down the stairs between floors backward until Dean was finally convinced to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pouted.  He wasn’t too proud to admit it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drove and sang and avoided topics of any significance.  Mostly Jack told Dean stories about playing with the other kids, or lessons Hannah had taught him, or books he read.  Dean told him outrageous tales about fairies and leprechauns and princesses.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stopped at a Mystery Spot with a </span>
  <a href="https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/3299">
    <span>Gravity Hill</span>
  </a>
  <span> in Mooresville, Indiana and then dipped up into Michigan to see the Mighty Fist of Joe Louis.  The drive was like a life outside of their life.  They were everywhere and nowhere and time had no meaning beyond the sound of the ticking seconds.  Dean spent as much time as he could just looking at Cas.  Sometimes, he would catch a familiar smile on his face, the kind of smile that made him think there might still be hope for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean insisted they stop to see the </span>
  <a href="https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/18817">
    <span>Kaskaskia Dragon</span>
  </a>
  <span> in Vandalia, Illinois.  Jack fed it coins at the tail and then ran to the front to watch the Dragon breathe out fire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This can’t possibly be safe,” Cas complained, more than once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it wasn’t safe they wouldn’t let people play with it,” Dean insisted, handing Jack another few quarters. “Besides, not only are he and I both tickled pink about a real fire breathing dragon, but the kid’s gonna konk out for a few hours as soon as we get in the car.  We might actually manage to lay some miles down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind taking the slow path,” Cas sighed. “I’m not sure I’m ready for so many people again after being home for so long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you didn’t get to go to a whole lot of upscale dinner parties.” Dean looked out the side of his eye to watch for Cas’s reaction.  He didn’t want to upset him, but he didn’t know where the line was yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Cas chuckled. “I am not exactly popular at home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’ve been missed in Sioux Falls.  Lots of people will be excited to see you back. Even Duma deigns to speak to me in order to ask about you.” Dean cracked a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who knows we’re coming?” Cas asked, panic straining in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey, don’t worry.” Dean turned and reached out, putting his hand on Cas’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel winced at the touch and looked around to see who was around them. Dean pulled back as if he’d burned him. “Oh, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I’m fine.  I’m sorry. It shouldn’t matter, I’ll, I’ll get used to it again.” Cas said, his shoulders rolled forward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, I’m hungry!” Jack skipped up to them, grabbing Cas’s hand and dancing around him. “Can we go?  Daddy?” Jack tugged on Cas’s arm but Cas ignored him, staring at Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just Sam,” Dean said lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sighed in relief, closing his eyes and shaking his head quietly. “Good.” He said quietly before taking a deep breath and pulling his face into a grim parody of a smile. “Jack, calm down, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’m hungry.  Daddy!” Jack jumped and grabbed at Cas’s jacket, jerking his shoulder down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack,” Cas snapped, his tone sharp. “You have to be more careful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy hung his head and nodded, the same sad slouch of the shoulders as his father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand you’re hungry, but patience is an important part of getting along with other people,” Cas explained, crouching down to look his son in the eye.  “But yes if you’re hungry, we can get something to eat, if you’re done feeding the dragon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, can I get pie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laughed, his head thrown back with the power of his exhale.  His knees bent and his chest let out a booming laugh before he crumpled forward in a fit of cathartic giggles.  “Fuck,” he breathed.  That kid was awesome.  He wanted to just pick him up and spin him in the air.  How could something so sticky be so damn cute?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy!” Jack said, his eyes wide, pointing at Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know Jack, Dean is little more than a hairless ape sometimes.  Maybe you can help teach him some manners… over pie.” Cas smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The places Cas, Dean, and Jack are all real places approximately on the way from Massachusetts to South Dakota.  I make no promises on the timelines or actual route they took.  I've provided links where I could so you can see where they went.</p><p>So what do you think of Kelly?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Any More Pent Up Emotion I Think I'm Gonna Explode</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Cas told Dean about Kelly<br/>Roadtrip Extraordinaire</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They kept driving, next to the World's Largest Rhubarb in Aledo, Illinois where they ate strawberry rhubarb pie until they felt sick. Then they visited a “True Mysteries” attraction about </span>
  <a href="https://www.roadsideamerica.com/creatures/troll.html">
    <span>Trolls</span>
  </a>
  <span> in Washington, Wisconsin. Finally, they stopped for the night.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack laid on the floor, coloring in the book Dean bought him and half watching Paw Patrol.  His blonde hair hung over his eyes and the clothes Dean had gotten him were a little too big but he was the cutest thing Dean had ever seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go pick up some dinner for us, I saw a Chinese Food place back in town.” Dean’s heart ached at the sweetness of the little family standing before him and wished, not for the first time, that it was really his.  He walked out of the motel room, but before the door could close behind him, Cas grabbed his arm and stepped out with him, letting the door shut quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up, Cas?  You need something else while I’m out?  I was thinking about stopping at the big box store in the same area and getting Jack some more clothes, maybe a toy or something to keep him occupied in the car.  I don’t think I have any more stories in me, man.  Unless he wants to hear the ones about those twins I met back in the day.  That was a hell of a night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s mouth ran.  He didn’t know what to say to Cas out here under the neon motel lights when there wasn’t a little boy listening or about to wake up.  It felt like they had shared so much, like he understood Cas so well now, but still like they hadn’t had a single moment together since he arrived in Massachusetts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean.” Cas interrupted his ramblings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Yeah, what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Cas pulled him tight against his chest burying his face into his neck.  The flutter of his breath against Dean’s skin drew out goosebumps, making him shiver.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean released a deep breath, one that he’d been holding in for days. His exhale was shaky as he wrapped his arms around Cas and dropped his face into the other man’s hair. He smelled like motel soap and cheap laundry detergent, but underneath it all, it was the smell of Cas.  Sweet and light, a scent that lingered just outside of his awareness.  “Jesus, Cas. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to or...” He squeezed tighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas dropped a kiss onto Dean’s neck, pressing his cheek against Dean’s jaw.  His lips were soft, gentle with no intention other than to be close, to sooth their souls through touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” Dean cooed, repeating it like a mantra, indulging in the smell and feel of Cas. He ran his hands up and down the other man’s back, offering warmth and support and devotion like a prayer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas leaned against Dean, letting him take the weight he bore for a moment, relieving him of having to hold all the responsibility alone.  He let out a sigh that almost felt like a sob breaking from his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood like that for a long time, just breathing each other in, Dean finally having the chance to hold Cas and soothe him the way he’s wanted to this whole time.  Eventually, it was long enough Dean started to worry about Jack being inside alone, but he couldn’t stand to let go.  He couldn’t bear to pull away from Cas now that he finally had him back.  The idea of Cas leaving again made his heart stutter and all his fears swirl in his head until he was clinging to Cas as much as he was to him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who was saving who?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas leaned back, arms still around Dean, and locked blue eyes with green before pressing his lips against Dean’s for the first time since they were reunited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was slow and sweet. One beautiful kiss made up of thousands of delate brushes of lip against lips and skin tingling from touch. Cas hummed and mewled against him and Dean became dizzy with it, with the gentle press of soft lips and breathy gasps. He wrapped an arm up around Cas’s back, curling his body around the smaller man’s. He ached to touch, to feel, but he revelled in what he got. Dean pushed the fingers of his other hand into Cas’s hair, feeling the soft, short hair shift under the pads of his fingers. Cas leaned into his touch, soft breath exhaling against Dean’s lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean moved his hand to cradle Cas’s face, brushing his thumb against the thick beard. He wanted to memorize Cas’s every feature with his fingers and lips.  To memorialize him in his memory and keep his close forever.  Cas’s lips melted into liquid warmth against his, warm and perfect against his own.  He took and took whatever Cas would give him, too afraid to ask for more, too afraid that if Cas was willing to give it he wouldn’t be able to stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas’s voice was breathy and deep, digging under all of Dean’s self-control. “I have to go back inside.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pulled away, steadying himself by leaning his forehead to Cas’s and setting his hands on the other man’s too pronounced hips. “Okay, yeah. I understand.  I’ll, um, I’ll be back soon, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded and pressed his lips to Dean’s again before slipping back inside the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus,” Dean kicked the curb as he pulled out his keys.  That man was going to be the death of him.  Fuck if he didn’t lo…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean froze.  The thought was not a surprising one but one that still shocked him to his core.  Of course he did.  He knew it.  He’d driven all the fuck out here and spirited him and his kid away from a goddamn cult in the middle of the night for fuck’s sake.  No one in their right mind would do that if they weren’t… Fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean turned off his brain for a while, climbing into Baby and switching into auto-pilot.  He had shit to get done and he couldn’t spend time in the middle of a parking lot having some emotional revelation.  No one had that kind of time unless they were in a chick-flick, and he was pretty sure chick-flicks didn’t have crazy ass cults in them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dean returned to their motel room with a bag of treasures in one hand and delicious smelling Chinese in the other, Cas had Jack suspended in the air on his hands and feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean! I’m an airplane!” The boy cried out, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>wheee</span>
  </em>
  <span> almost audible.  Cas flew him around for a minute while Dean laughed and set down his bags.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do it!” Jack yelled. “Dean, you do airplane!”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a crooked smile, Dean let Cas put his feet on his hips and took his hands before jumping into the air.  And for a moment, he was flying.  For a few seconds, everything lightened and gravity shifted and all that existed were the sounds of Jack and Cas laughing.  This was freedom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, he lost his balance and fell onto Cas, catching himself with his hands at the last second. “You did that on purpose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled and this time, it was his full toothy grin that ignited Dean’s heart. “Maybe.”  He leaned up and kissed Dean on the nose before flipping him over and getting up to eat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The beard looks good on you,” Dean breathed against Cas’s ear before getting up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chinese food was a hit.  Jack ate more of Dean’s moo shu pork than his own chicken and snowpeas and got more of it on himself then he did in his mouth.  Dean cleaned up while Cas gave him a bath, another night of surprising family ease.  They fell into these roles of domesticity so natural it felt like they’d been doing it all along. When his bath was over, Jack took up jumping on the bed while Castiel grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter?” Dean asked over his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack’s pajamas are dirty.  Covered in food and juice.  You should know, I blame you entirely, especially since you let him eat breakfast without a napkin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, I’m the problem.  I’m not the one who let him drink juice in bed.” Dean laughs before grabbing his purchases. “Hey Jack, wanna see what I found?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pulled out a set of pajamas with fire trucks on them.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“These are for me? Thank you, Dean!” He leapt off the bed and grabbed them, pulling them on mostly by himself with glee, but his real joy came when Dean pulled out the matching pajama pants he’d gotten for himself and Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not putting those on.” Cas frowned giving Dean a look of abject horror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy!” Jack whined, only to be joined by Dean (now wearing his pair) in chanting “Daddy!  Please!” ad infinitum until Cas gave in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two should not be allowed to combine your powers.” Cas frowned, grabbed the pants, took off his jeans, and pulled them on right there. “Happy now?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack clapped and danced and jumped at Cas until he picked him up and threw him on the bed in a fit of giggles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy, if Dean is a safe people, does that mean he’s family?” Jack asked as Cas tucked the blanket up around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jesus these nighttime talks were intense.  Were all kids like that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean is like family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, like Aunt Hannah?  Is Dean my uncle?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Cas smiled and chuckled lightly, running his fingers through the boy's hair. “Dean is more like Uncle Tobbias, Aunt Hannah’s husband.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you and Dean married?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but he is my boyfriend.” Cas through a look at Dean and sent a soft smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.  Papa wouldn’t like that.” Jack’s face scrunched up as he thought about that and Dean could feel the silence in the air as Cas stopped breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, he wouldn’t.  What do you think about that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack rolled toward Cas and the two studied eachother’s faces like some kind of mime in a mirror act.  “I like Dean,” the boy shrugged. “Buuuut… does that mean you give him smoochies?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean tucked his head and turned away to keep from laughing.  The boy was just too sweet for words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Jack, I do give Dean smoochies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s gross.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Cas asked gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Smoochies go on the lips. Yuck.” Jack snuggled down into his blankets, “I don’t want smoochies ever.”  He wished them both a good night and was asleep in minutes.  Cas barely had time to climb out of the bed and meet Dean at the little table where they had eaten dinner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Smoochies huh?” Dean whispered with a raised eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas rolled his eyes. “Hannah’s doing.  I would just have said kissing.  She’s so repressed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean chuckled and then settled back down into a comfortably uncomfortable silence.  It’s the way it always was between them now when they were alone, until one of them broke the silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, Cas… the thing is--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“--Dean, I hope you know…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sighed at the same time and Dean raked a hand over his face.  He set his elbows on the table and lowered his head into his hands, taking a few deep breaths, waiting.  Always waiting.  The quiet should have been stifling, it should have been rife with tension and anger.  But no matter what else was going on, he was here with Cas.  And Cas, fuck, he made everything better.  He was happier out here on the road doing nothing with Cas and Jack than he’d been in months.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so fucking mad at you,” Dean finally ground out, his eyes still trained downward. “Do you know that?  Do you understand how completely furious I am at you?  The last six months have been hell.” He peeked up through his lashes to look at the dark haired man sitting across from him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sat with his arms wrapped around himself, shoulders slumped forward.  His shirt hung a little too big and his bones were too prominent in his face and shoulders. Dean didn’t want to have this talk.  He wanted to feed Cas with his fingers and kiss him in every sharp corner and deep crevice until they were healed, but that wasn’t going to actually solve anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I know.” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I get it.  I do.  I look at Jack and I can’t say I wouldn’t have done exactly what you did.  Really.  But why couldn’t you tell me?  That’s what I don’t understand.  Didn’t you trust me?”  The last words come out with a choking sound and Dean’s voice breaks.  His skin feels too tight, like he’s trapped inside his own body, inside his own fear.  The way burn victims must feel as their skin tightens and hardens into scar tissue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean…” Cas looked down at his hands and folded in on himself a little more.  The kind of protective move a beaten animal would make.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you think I wouldn’t help you?  Or that Jack would change how I feel about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please,” Cas whispered, a tear dripping from his face and free falling to the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gotta talk to me, man.  I’m here.  I’m in this thing.  With you.  WIth Jack.  I’m in it.  I’m not going anywhere, no matter how mad I am right now.”  Dean’s voice was raw as he tried to push his heart out through his words.  He needed Cas to feel it, to know that he meant what he was saying. But as usual, he didn’t have any idea what Cas was thinking.  “I don’t want to be mad at you anymore, but you hurt me. You scared the shit out of me.  I don’t know what to feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, I was born into a dangerous world.  One where violence and cruelty were the consequences of any assumed wrong.  A world where compassion and understanding had no place.  You knowing about Jack... It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you.  Of course, it affects you and I had no right to keep something so big from you when we were… building something together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No shit,” Dean grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded and picked at his cuticles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop that, you’re gonna bleed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry.” Cas stopped and laid his hands in his lap. “No matter what I may have done, I’m sorry I hurt you, that was never my intent.  And yes, I know you deserved better, I… I don’t know how else to say it but I didn’t have any choice.  If Ishim found out I had told people anything about home, he would have hurt Hannah.  He would have hurt Jack.  And what would have happened if I’d told you?  You would have told Sam and Charlie, and then Jody would have wanted to see pictures and Eileen would ask about his mother and when he could come visit and there was no end to it.  And Jack would be vulnerable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you didn’t tell me because you didn’t think I could keep a secret?  That’s bullshit.” Dean’s brows came together, the line wrinkled in his forehead.  He was so hurt by the suggestion he forgot to be mad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I know you would have, but it wouldn’t have been fair to ask that of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So now you’re just making excuses, finding ways to try to make this my fault instead of the fact that  you didn’t trust me?  That’s a dick move, Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I meant.  I was scared and I couldn’t risk that you could end up hurt because of me.  I couldn’t have anyone else hurt because of me.” Cas finally looked up, his liquid eyes bluer than the sea.  “Don’t you understand?  Kelly died because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Cas.  Kelly died because of the fucking assholes in charge of that cult.  And no one is going to hurt me without some serious consequences, except you.  You’re the only one who has hurt me here. You were wrong not to tell me.  And when you left like that, you were wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that, now.  I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but everything I did, I did because I thought I was doing the right thing.  I thought I was protecting you all.” Cas splayed his hands open between them as if his sincerity alone could fix what he’d broken.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the problem though, ain’t it?  You always think you’re doing the right thing but you’re doing the selfish thing.  Not telling me about Jack was easier for </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Not telling me before you left?  That was easier for </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  You got to leave and not have to look back and I had to get left without knowing where the fuck you went or if you were okay.  I mean I guessed you went home, but to just take off like that without even a note?  It was fucked up, Cas.  And honestly, it fucked me up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stood, his frustration and anger needing an outlet.  He’d held it in for so long, wallowed in misery just to keep him from tearing his hair out and ripping the room apart with his hands.  He’d been so focused on getting Cas and Jack safe, he hadn’t let himself feel completely yet, but that kiss outside in the parking lot had broken him, it let the chink in the damn crack and spread until it tried to drown him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned forward, voice quiet to avoid waking Jack. “I could have loved you, Cas.  I could have loved you </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jack.  I could have been there for you.  But you’d rather be alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand.” Cas dropped his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand, Dean.  Jack and I will find somewhere to stay until the court date and then we will leave.  I can never pay you back for what you did, coming to get us, but anything I can do, I will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Dean shook his head, like he could unclog his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you keep saying that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s eyes widened, incredulous.  “Because you make no fucking sense!” His voice rose and he ran both hands through his hair. “I just told you that you broke my heart by leaving and your answer now--again--is to leave me?  What the fuck?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that what you want?  For me to stop hurting you?” Cas’s eyes were filled with water, making his blue eyes waver before Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, No.  Dammit, Cas.  Stop hurting me by </span>
  <em>
    <span>staying</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Dean grabbed Cas’s shoulders and pulled him up out of his chair and against his chest. “Stop hurting me by being with me.  Really being with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Cas said and Dean tightened his grip on his shoulders, staring into his eyes, willing him to understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, oh.” Dean drank in the sight of him, he carried so much guilt and and fear and sorrow in every movement, every word.  How had Dean not seen it before?  How had he not realized the cloud of sadness and regret that hung, draped around him.  It softened Dean, but it didn’t make things okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s eyes flitted down to the floor between them before bringing a hand to Dean’s cheek and running his thumb over his strong jaw. “That is what I want.  To be with you.  If you’ll have me.”  Cas turned and looked at the sleeping child in the bed on the far side of the room. “I don’t come without complications though, responsibilities.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obligations,” Dean smiled leaning into Cas’s touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like kids, Cas.  I like Jack.  I want to get to know him.  I like watching you with him and I want to be a part of that if you’ll let me.  Stop deciding what I want and what is fair without even talking to me.  Let me be in this with you.  Haven’t I proven that I want to be with you yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas made a strangled sound and Dean ducked down to catch his lowered eyes.  “What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a lot to unlearn. I’m so used to being alone, I don’t know how else to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I get that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never had anyone to talk to.  Even Hannah and Kelly.  They were good friends, my only friends, but there were parts of me I had to keep from them.  Even though they cared for me, who I am was never something they could fully accept.  And then in Seminary I just didn’t talk about anything personal.  And then I met you…  And I know I hid a lot, but I feel more myself with you than I ever have before.  And I felt free.  Free to exist as a person, not the shadow of someone others disapproved of, on the best days.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked up and pressed a hand to Dean’s chest. “I’ve missed you so much.  I’ve missed the church and having real friends and movie night and Garth.  But more than anything else I’ve missed you.”  Cas came closer.  He rubbed his hands up and down Dean’s arms. “I’ve missed seeing you in the morning and touching you and talking to you.  I’ve missed dinners together and taking care of you.  And I’m so sorry.”  He took a deep breath and stopped rubbing Dean’s arms, just held on like if he didn’t he might be ripped away.  “When you said you could have loved me…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blushed and Cas looked down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I ruin it?  You came for me, you rescued us like our own knight in shining armor, without even knowing what you were walking into and you just rolled with Jack being a part of the deal, you are a good man, and I don’t deserve it after I’ve hurt you.  But I can try to be good to you.  I want to be.  Do you think you still could?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Cas, I already do.  You know that.” Dean pulled Cas in for a slow, gentle kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning, they headed to the </span>
  <a href="https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2128">
    <span>Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota</span>
  </a>
  <span> in Darwin, Minnesota, and then to the </span>
  <a href="https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/63109">
    <span>Quietest Place on Earth</span>
  </a>
  <span> which thrilled Cas almost as much as it bored Dean and Jack who decided to play on the playground and be as loud as possible instead.  Just an hour outside of Sioux Falls they spent one more night in a motel before going to see a large statue of Buffalo Bill Cody that looked out toward the interstate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, finally, they headed home.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Yeah, I Loved you, So What</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean talks about his feelings and they finally head home</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Snow had fallen since the last time Castiel had been at the cabin.  The passage of time seemed impossible in retrospect but at the same time, he felt like he’d been at home for an entire lifetime.  He felt old and tired.  Drained of life, but here he remembered what it felt like to live.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack struggled to undo his car seat in the back of the Impala, too excited to take the time to do it properly. “Snow, Daddy!  Can we make snow angels?  Please!” Jack bounced and wiggled until Cas helped him out of the seat and picked him up.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get inside first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Party Pooper!” Dean called, flopping on his back into the fluffy snow and waving his arms and legs to make a ridiculous parody of an angel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean!” Jack squealed and wormed his way out of Castiel’s hold, diving face-first into a snowbank from the last time the drive had been plowed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel ran over and pulled the boy up from his feet, eliciting a squeal of delight.  Dean grabbed Jack’s hands and the two men swung and threw him into the snow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Jack,” Dean called when he climbed out of the snow and shook the white fluff from his hair. “Did your Dad tell you about Garth?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack tilted his head, cocked at an angle that flooded Dean’s heart with affection. “I don’t think so.  Daddy?” He looked up at Cas with raised eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Dean’s dog.  Would you like to meet him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack frowned. “Is he like Uncle Enoch’s dogs?  They’re mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas knelt down in the snow and took the boy’s chin. “Not at all.  Enoch trained his dogs to be mean and he treats them unkindly so they don’t know any different.  Dean teats Garth with love, so even though he’s big and might be a little scary at first, all he wants to do is love us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack scowls, his little face scrunched up so tight as he thinks, Dean almost laughs. “Okay.  Will you stay with me, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Cas smiles and then nods at Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean trudges through the ice and snow and unlocks the door.  He can hear the grunts and prancing behind the door and when he opens it is greeted by a happy Garth.  His tail whips back and forth as he hops on all four feet toward Dean and then lifts the front half of his body to place his paws on Dean’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too, Buddy,” Dean says, wrapping his arms around the furry goof. “I have someone for you to meet but you have to be gentle.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean motions for Garth to jump down and then holds on to his collar. “Jack, why don’t you come here and say hi to Garth?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garth’s tail whacks against the porch floor as the canine visibly vibrates with excitement at the sight of the miniature human.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack comes close and Garth tries to rush forward, but Dean simply says “gentle,” again and Garth sits, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack presses his hands into the fur on Garth’s shoulder and smiles up at Dean, only to be rewarded with a giant tongue swiping across his face. “Ewww!” The boy squealed and Garth bounced in place before leaning his head into the small boy and letting him pet him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s exactly what he did the first time I met him,” Cas chuckled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Garth knows a good looking man when he sees one,” Dean cracks a smile and Cas blushes to his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let’s go inside.” Cas ushers Garth and Jack inside while Dean gets their stuff.  They all change into dryer clothes and Dean starts a fire.  When Jack skips off to use the bathroom Cas stands in the hallway, a misty look in his eyes.  He feels untethered, like the air here is thinner, like he might evaporate if he doesn’t hold on to something solid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ok?” Dean asked, tempted to reach over and put his arm about him and pull Cas tight against his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As soon as he’s out of my sight, it’s like I can’t breathe.  I never thought we’d get this far and now, it’s so fragile, I feel like if I look away for even a second I’ll lose everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm.  I can see that.  You’ve been through a lot.  It’s going to take some time to adjust.  But you did okay over the summer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas lets out a harsh breath Dean desperately doesn’t want to think of as a scoff. “That wasn’t real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat.  Dean could feel the bruise around his heart deepening into an ugly purple black. “Oh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, I didn’t mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> weren’t…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s cool Cas,” Dean plastered on his fake breezy voice. “We didn’t make any kind of commitment and you don’t owe me anything.  I just want you and Jack to be happy.” Dean frowned, running his hand over his mouth as if it could remove the bitter taste in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Dean, please let me--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, Cas, it’s fine.  Forget it even came up.  I have to call Charlie, tell her I’m home so she doesn’t have to drive out here to take care of Garth.  Is it okay to let her know you’re here? I never told her where I was going or why, but she’ll understand if I say I was getting you.” Dean stumbled over the last words, hating how much it revealed about what a fucking whipped dog he was, that his best friend would accept him disappearing for a week with no warning just to go get Cas.  Especially when everything he’d pinned his heart on hadn’t even been real.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yeah, you can tell here I’m here, but let’s leave Jack out of it.  For a little while longer?”  Cas broke his intense eye contact when he heard the bathroom door open and Jack come flying into the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stepped outside.  It was cold and he hadn’t bothered with a jacket, but he was glad for it.  It gave him something to focus on.  Something other than the crawling swarm of snakes wriggling in his gut, latching onto everything Cas said and assigning it with the worst possible meaning.  He needed to calm down.  The last thing Cas needed from him right now was pressure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hit the speed dial for his best little not-sister and smiled happily when she answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey bitch, what’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not much, chicken nugget.” Dean laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, still not right, keep trying.  So what’s the story, morning glory? You still out on your magical mystery tour?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m home.  Thanks for watching Garth and the house and stuff while I was gone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you tell me where the fuck you ran off to like your ass was lit on fire?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Massachusetts.”  He paused and took a deep breath. “I went to get Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause while Charlie reoriented herself to this new information.  Dean gripped the phone, dreading the squeal and litany of questions he was almost certainly going to get.  He wasn’t going to have answers to any of them.  He fucking hated being put in this position.  He wasn’t going to lie to Charlie, not even for Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he got himself more and more worked up, Charlie broke through with a quiet, “And how are you doing with that?  Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the last thing he expected to hear, but that was because of his own shit.  Of course, that would be her reaction.  Charlie was the only person he really trusted other than his brother.  She was good and even and constant.  There had never been a time when he’d needed her and she hadn’t been there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.  I’m so fucking mad at him, but I’m so glad he’s here, and I understand what happened better now, but I’m just so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heartbroken?” Charlie offered softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah Char, I am.  I keep trying to talk myself out of it and just focus on what’s in front of me but I don’t know, what if he bolts again tomorrow or next week.  Disappears without even a fucking note.  No matter how good his reasons might be.  He didn’t trust me enough to tell me before, and I don’t think I’d believe what he is telling me now if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”  Dean shook his head, thankful for the roof on the porch as the snow drifted down in heavy thick flakes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what’s up and I’m not gonna ask, but secrets don’t make friends.  And usually, they end up biting you in the ass.  It’s gonna take time to come back from that.  You both probably need a little time to figure all this out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded into the forest. “Ok, well I’m cold, I’m gonna go back inside.  I’ll talk to you later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, babe.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take care of yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean tapped out a quick text to his brother as he walked inside, sighing as the warmth hit him.  When he looked around, Cas was puttering in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for something to eat, feet bare, and Jack was sitting on the floor next to an extremely patient Garth who was allowing the boy to play with his jowls so he made funny faces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Garth,” Dean called, getting the dog’s attention. “Give Jack a boop.” He touched his nose to show the command.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garth leaned over and pushed his nose into the boy’s to receive a cascade of tinkling laughter that filled the cabin and warmed Dean even more.  When he looked at Cas, the man was smiling at him, blue eyes vivid and full of profound meaning that Dean couldn’t trust but God, he wanted to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup while Dean stoked the fire and refilled the indoor wood bin.  Jack laid down on Garth, using the giant dog as a pillow, mattress, and jungle gym.  All of which Garth adored.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s phone binged with a text. “Hey, Sam wants to come over tomorrow morning, but he’s wondering if it’s okay with you for him to bring Eileen.  She’s been worried sick but he hasn’t told her anything.  Plus she’s like 76 months pregnant, you aren’t gonna believe it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas frowns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t want her here, Sam will understand.” Dean backpedals.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I do.  I’ve missed her a great deal” He looked at Jack. “Do you think… Do you think she’ll be okay with all this?” Cas looked up at Dean, insecurities laid bare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, you love your son.  That’s all anyone needs to know.  The rest is up to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas gives Dean his cautious half-smile that pulls up the left side of his face cutely and nods. “Yeah, it would be nice to see them both and introduce them to Jack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Dean tried to contain his enthusiasm.  He had no right to push Cas.  They’d only just gotten here today.  But he needed proof.  He needed to see that Cas wasn’t going to just disappear, drifting off on a jetstream again, like he was never here in the first place.  Dean needed to know if he was going to stay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As afternoon turned into evening Cas gave Jack his evening bath and then stood awkwardly in the hall between the bedrooms. “I thought I’d put Jack in my room?” Cas said, the unspoken question shining bright. In the motel’s Jack always slept with Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that makes sense.  I never stripped the bed or anything so it’s all set.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded and then slipped away to tuck the boy in while Dean took a deep breath.  This was too much like a fantasy of a life with Cas, raising a son together.  He needed to keep himself in check, remember who he was, who they were.  He needed to find his footing in this new reality so he didn’t float away and get lost in the dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean?” Jack called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah buddy,” he stuck his head inside the smaller room with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you sing me a song tonight?  We sang all Daddy’s songs in the car.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blinked and looked at Cas curled up on the bed next to Jack with a fond smile on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, no problem.” He sat down on the end of the bed and put his hand on Jack’s little foot from over the covers. “Uh, my mom used to sing this to me when I was your age:”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey Jude, don't make it bad.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Take a sad song and make it better.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Remember to let her into your heart,</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Then you can start to make it better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey Jude, don't be afraid.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>You were made to go out and get her.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>The minute you let her under your skin,</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em></em>
  <span>Then you begin to make it better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack sucked on his thumb and his eyes drifted closed listening to Dean’s low serenade while Cas ran fingers through his hair.  When he finished singing, Cas and Dean snuck out, closing the door behind them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whiskey?” Dean said, running a hand through his hair, not sure what to do with his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds perfect.  I haven’t had a drink since August.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No alcohol at ye olde compound?” Dean grabbed the bottle from the top of the fridge and pulled down two glasses, bringing all of it over to the couch.  It seemed like the kind of night that might need a refill or two.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not outright forbidden, just generally frowned upon, besides, I was safer sober.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sat on the couch and poured them both three fingers before handing one of the glasses to Cas.  He sat next to Dean, but not the way he used to.  Not pressed up so Dean’s arm could wrap around him and their legs would touch from hip to knee.  Despite the fire, Dean felt cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re probably exhausted, but can I ask you something?” Dean twisted to look at Cas pulling his knee up onto the couch between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded, drinking half his glass in one go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything else?  I mean, I’m sure there are details and things that may or may not be any of my business at some point, but you kept a really big fucking secret from me for months and I had no idea.  I have to know if there’s more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Dean.  Jack is honestly my whole life.  Him and school, until I met you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Dean’s turn to look away and down his whole glass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean poured them both more whiskey and leaned back against the couch. “So tomorrow we can go get you a new suit and something cute for Jack to wear to the hearing. Oh, and you need a new phone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t afford all of that.  The suit I have will have to do and I can just get a burner.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, that’s ridiculous.  You have one shot at this.  You need a nice suit.  The one you had didn’t really fit before and you’ve lost weight since then.  And you need a phone you can actually text on.  Come on.  I’ve got this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, my suit is good enough and I already owe you so much for the motels and food…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you kidding?” Dean shook his head like he could shake loose the meaning of Cas’s words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t owe me… Shit Cas, were you like tallying everything up in  your head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded, confused as to why that was a problem. “I don’t need you to take care of us.  I can support my own family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to pretend what you’re implying with that wasn’t totally insulting and move on,” Dean sighed. “You don’t have a job and almost no savings.  I can afford it.  After you have custody of Jack, we can talk through what’s mine, yours, and ours to pay for okay?  I respect you for wanting to do it yourself, but now isn’t the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked down at his hands and nodded. “Yes, I understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you really?  You said you have a lot to unlearn, maybe this is one of those things.  Letting me take care of you doesn’t make you weak.  You know, my caring about you doesn’t have a price on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked up, eyes bleary and nose red. “I don’t want to cry anymore, I’m so tired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.  But like I said, we’ll sort it out after the trial, ok?  For now we focus on what we need to do for Jack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head and let out a hard breath. “I never meant to hurt you.” Cas twitched like he was going to reach out or stand up or do something, but he just folded his hands in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe you,” Dean said and Cas whipped hopeful eyes to meet his. “But you did.  And we have to take this slow.  I have to know what you want, not some fantasy or game…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...it was never a game!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I, okay, but you get what I’m saying right?” Dean refilled his glass and took a swig.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, then you understand that I’m going to sleep out here on the couch tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t take your bed.” Cas’s shoulder’s curled in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes you can because I’m giving it to you.  If Jack wakes up in the night and needs you, I’d rather you just have the bed for both of you to sleep in.  I’m fine out here with Garth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I think he may have abandoned you,” Cas pointed over to where Garth lay curled up outside Jack’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, that’s cute,” Dea smiled and then shook his head and frowned. “But that’s what I mean.  There’s Jack to think about now, not just you and me, and it’s not fair for him to think of this as home and me as family if you’re going to leave again. And Cas, I don’t want temporary with you, I don’t want just the summer and you not thinking it’s real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up Cas.  Just shut up.” Dean downed the rest of his drink and set it down, knowing if he let himself have any more and he’d end up saying things he regretted.  His eyes were already filled with tears. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, looking at the floor on the other side of the room.  “So, let’s just table it.  You and me.  The future.  You can’t think about anything long term until after the hearing anyway and I understand.  That’s the focus.  Jack is what matters.  So we’ll just give each other some time and talk again after that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you avoiding me?” Cas turns back, but Dean won’t look up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grimaces, “I’m not avoiding you.  I’m right here.  I’m just trying to… You need to focus on Jack.  I need to… I need to believe that whatever you say it’s because you mean it, not because you’re scared or grateful or desperate.  I want us to make good decisions, Cas.  Because I can’t take losing you again.  I can’t survive thinking I have you back and then you leave.  It’ll kill me, man.  And you don’t need that kind of pressure on you right now either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears drip down Cas’s nose as he nods. “I think I understand, but I have to admit, I don’t like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean chuckles and shakes his head. “It’s not a picnic for me either.”  They sit for a moment and Dean’s hands itch to take Cas’s in his and pull him tight, placing soft kisses on his neck, but he doesn’t.  After a moment of sitting, Dean slaps his thighs and stands. “I’m going to take a shower and change, tomorrow we'll get you a suit that doesn’t look like you borrowed it from your older brother who works as an accountant.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought my suit looked good,” Cas pouts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It did.  Cas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel glanced up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You always look good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas looks up and holds Dean’s gaze. “I don’t want time, or space.  I’ve had months of it.” Cas stood and laid a hand on Dean’s cheek and a tear finally broke through.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t either, but that’s how it’s gotta be.  That’s how I need it to be.” He sniffed and stepped away before heading to his room to grab pajamas.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. This Is Where I Come From And Where I'm Going And I'm Lost In Between</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Dean, Cas, and Jack enjoy the snow at home<br/>Dean and Cas have an important talk</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The morning of the trial came with a cold nose pressed against his eye.  And then a tongue in his ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Garth!” Dean whined, trying to roll over on the small couch, but the big oaf just pressed his cold nose against Dean’s naked back. “Fine, fine, I’m up!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hopped up and let Garth out and then took in the room.  He could smell the morning roast caffeine already started and down the hall, quiet voices and giggles beckoned him forward.  It tugged on his heart, filling his head with dreams of a future where his little cabin was a home.  He pulled on a shirt and grabbed a mug of steaming hot coffee already brewed for him by Cas before walking down to the bathroom.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There, he found Jack, standing on the toilet with shaving cream over his entire lower face and a plastic knife.  Dean leaned against the doorway, not calling attention to himself, and blew on his drink.  Cas was shirtless with a towel over his shoulders and wet spikey hair.  He had shaving cream on his face as well and held the razer he’d left here, which Dean had never been able to bring himself to throw out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas pulled the razor down his cheek, removing the months of growth and Jack mimicked him, doing the same thing with the back of the plastic utensil.  Jack beamed up at his father before they rinsed their “razors” in the sink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looking good, boys,” Dean’s sleep rough voice stayed steady despite the bursting in his heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It felt like time,” Cas said with a smile.  His bruises were almost completely healed and the split in his lips was barely a pink link, hardly noticeable at all.  He looked more and more like his Cas every day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for the coffee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know how you are first thing in the morning. Best to get you caffeinated right away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blushed and took a sip. “So Jack, how’d you sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good!” Jack said, smearing shaving cream across his nose.  “I like my room.  Dean, is it </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> room now?  I’ve never had my own room before.  Can I paint it?  Papa Ishim wouldn’t let me paint my room in his house, but I really want a purple room.  Purple is my favorite color and I think it would be pretty in there.  Daddy said you made the pretty desk.  How did you make it?  Did you use a saw?  I’m not allowed to touch the saw.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stepped back at the onslaught of questions and information.  Man, kids are something else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Settle down Jack, I told you, there’s plenty of time to talk about everything you want to. Let Dean wake up, though.  He’s kind of like a bear in the morning. You have to let him get his first cup of coffee in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not.” Dean protested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can be an angry sleeper.” Cas teases and throws him a wink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later at the courthouse, the three of them sat outside the small family court on uncomfortable benches waiting for their case to be called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop fidgeting,” Dean placed a hand on Cas’s bouncing knee. “You’re going to wrinkle your suit.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s uncomfortable,” Cas pouted.  The slim-cut, professional black suit with a white pinstripe shirt and blue tie wrapped around Cas’s body like it was made for him.  Which it practically was considering what Dean paid for custom alterations despite Castiel’s protests.  “And I look ridiculous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, if anything, you look too good.  Distractingly so.  Like devastatingly handsome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel blushed enough, his ears reddened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean had on a dark brown suit with faint orange pinstripes that looked ridiculously good against his sun-reddened skin and green eyes.  He was a wood nymph if ever there was such a thing.  And Jack…  Castiel couldn’t stop smiling every time he looked at the little boy in suit pants, a button-up short-sleeve shirt, matching vest, and bow tie.  He’d thought it was overkill until Dean held it up to Jack’s throat in the store, and then he melted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack played with a collection of action figures Eileen had given him.  He even had a special bag to carry them in so he could be responsible for them.  He had a GI Joe, a few of the X-Men, a Barbie, and a Lala Loopsey.  The Lala Loopsey was his favorite because it came with a stroller, but Cas had vetoed bringing that to court.  An almost four-year-old with dolls was one thing; the stroller might be a bit of a distraction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel Novak?” A striking woman with black hair and sunglasses on called out.  Sam stood next to her, his lawyer face firmly in place, but he smiled and waved at them before whispering something to the woman he was with.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas asked Dean to keep an eye on Jack while he spoke with them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Castiel,” she held out her free hand, the other holding a white cane. “My name is Pamela Barnes and I’ll be representing you today.  I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to meet in person before this, but Sam has been keeping me filled in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s lovely to meet you. Thank you again for your help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy to do so,” she smiled bright and kind.  She emanated a kind, firm strength that instantly made Cas feel safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your case is up next.  We’ve submitted all the letters, but the judge may still want to speak with some of the witnesses, so don’t be surprised if they are called in from the waiting area.  This isn’t something to worry about.  I know the Judge and she’s a stickler for rules.  She likes things to be in order, which works for us because we’ve done everything she could possibly ask for.  But you should know a summons was sent to your family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They won’t come.” Cas deadpanned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, just in case they do, we’re ready with the pictures you sent from your abuse and your written statement.  I’ve already submitted them, so the judge should be up to date on everything.  I just don’t want you to be surprised if that comes up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d rather it not in front of Jack. He’s still so young, but if that’s what we have to do.” Cas sighed and shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel Novak!” An officer of the court called out behind him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas took a deep breath and scooped up Jack in his arms as Dean cleaned up his toys.  “Here we go, baby,” Cas said into the little boy's hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then I can live with you for always?” Jack wrapped his arms around his father’s neck and Castiel felt his soul shine a little brighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s the plan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean took Cas’s other hand and they walked in together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pamela, Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack sat at the large table across from the judge’s desk.  It wasn’t a courtroom like Castiel had seen on television. It was more of a large conference room.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean squeezed his hand and sat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bailiff had them all stand and announced the arrival of Judge Billie de Morte.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You may sit,” she said, sitting down without looking at them and opening the case file on her desk. “So, you would be Castiel Novak? Jack wiggled on his lap but stayed quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ma’am,” Cas stood holding his son and responded.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then this is your son, Jack, and you would be Dean Winchester.  Do I have this right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ma’am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve reviewed your file and all the testimonials you sent in, and this looks pretty straightforward to me.  I just have a few questions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your honor, if I may, I have one last item to submit into evidence.” Pamela stood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why am I only getting it now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The results only just arrived this morning, we’ve been working on a retracted timeframe, but I assure you it’s relevant.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie raised an eyebrow in curiosity.  “Hand it to the bailiff.” She ordered and the man who had announced her arrival.  “Okay, so what I have here is a DNA paternity test showing positive markers that Castiel Novak is Jack Novak’s biological father.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel squeezed Jack a little tighter and placed a kiss on his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now for my questions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas passed Jack to Dean, who wrapped both arms around Dean’s neck.  He takes a deep breath, his body quivering with fear and worry.  With a sharp tug, he pulls his suit jacket into place and nods at the judge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At this moment in time, are you employed?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel frowns. He knows this is the weakest point in his case. “No, Ma’am, I’m not.  I am a full-time student.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie stares at him, unblinking, no emotion showing on her face. “And what will you do to support yourself and your son if you are given custody.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a small amount of savings and once this is resolved, I will look for a job.  Ideally, in my field, however, I’ll take whatever work I can find to support us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pamela stood up. “Your honor, Castiel has a proven work ethic and..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--Ms. Barnes, this will go a lot quicker if you don’t interject at every question I ask.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand, your honor, but--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--Sit down, Ms. Barnes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam reached out a hand and supported Pamela as she returned to her seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie turned her sharp gaze back to Castiel, “And what will you be doing about child care while you are working?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Cas stammered, looking to Pamela for help, but she obviously couldn’t see him. “I do not currently have a plan,” he admitted with his chin held high, “But I will be certain he is well taken care of.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm.  And in your current living situation, where will Jack sleep?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He will have his own room,” Cas answered, happy to finally have what felt like the right answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you?  Where will you sleep?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, in the other room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“WIth your boyfriend, Dean Winchester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And bringing Jack into this living arrangement, is it stable?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So he won’t have another upheaval in a month if this relationship doesn’t work out.  The boy appears to already be quite attached to Mr. Winchester, is this situation long term?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, ma’am, it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, your honor?” Dean stood up, hefting Jack up in his arms as the boy clung to his neck and sucked his thumb. “I’m Dean, the boyfriend in question. I think I can clear up some of these questions for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie glanced at him and then back to Castiel and spoke as if dismissing him, “Yes, Dean, I’ve read your statement.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean, if you’re worried about stability or support, we can go down the hall to the county clerk’s office right now and get a marriage license and stop by city hall on our way back.  It’s not the way I’d like to do things, but if it makes you feel better, I’m down to go tie the knot right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, you don’t have to do this,” Castiel looked over at him, eyes squinted. “I don’t expect you to…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not doing anything I don’t want to, Cas.  I told you I was all in, and if the judge needs that on paper, I got no problem getting that for her. It’s not unusual for one person in a relationship to support the other while they’re in school or staying home with kids. Why should it be any different for us just because we’re men, and if getting married will show the judge that we’re serious about this, then let’s do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Castiel’s hands ached to reach out, to grip Dean’s arm and look in his eyes to try and understand what he was saying.  He felt like everything was spinning and he needed to keep a handle on himself and his emotions. He couldn’t let the tear that had already slipped from his eye be joined by anymore.  The idea that Dean would do this for him, for Jack, made Castiel lightheaded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you two done?” Billie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am your honor. Just tell me what you need and I’ll get it.” Dean flashed his brightest, most charming, beautiful smile and sat back down with Jack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, that was a lovely little display.  Mr. Novak, you can sit back down too.  Before I read my ruling, I’d like to discuss the statements submitted on your behalf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sat and reached out to hold Dean’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have signed affidavits speaking to your fitness as a parent from a number of people.  I’m not going to read them all out loud. Still, I want to make sure it’s in the record that I received statements from Eileen Winchester, Dean Winchester, Duma Capelli, Charlie Bradberry, Missouri </span>
  <span>Mosely, </span>
  <span>Sheriff Jodi Mills, Ellen Hargrave, Claire Thompson, Bobby Singer, Linda Tran, Rufus Turner, and I received a general statement of support from the members and board of directors of the </span>
  <span>Church of Divine Light</span>
  <span>.  It’s an impressive collection of support, Mr. Novak.  You have made some very good friends here.  I’d like to read you a particular line from one of the statements submitted on your behalf.  I’m telling you this because there were a few that weighed heavily in my decision, but this one specifically.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel swallowed, trying desperately not to pick at his nails or look at Dean.  He hadn’t been allowed to read the letters; they had to be sealed and submitted directly to the court.  He hoped he knew what would be included, but in the end, he had no idea and the fear that all of the things he’d been told by the people who were supposed to love him growing up would be echoed in the letters submitted to the court.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m aware of the situation you helped the teenage girls from your church through.  One of them, Claire Thompson, wrote something that made my initial decision before you even presented the DNA results.  She writes, ‘Reverend Cas isn’t always easy to like, but when it comes down to it, he’s always someone you can rely on.  If I had to have a second Dad or something, I’d hope it would be someone like Castiel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s a wordsmith,” Dean whispered in his low voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel, on the other hand, heard what Billie wanted him to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Teens have a way of cutting to the quick of things which I enjoy.  This tells me you are kind, but also not easily manipulated despite your past, and that you are someone the people in your life can depend on.  So with that,” Billie said, closing her file, “I’m prepared to make a ruling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone came into the room through the door behind her desk and slipped her a piece of paper.  Castiel watched her read in, her as of yet unflappable appearance now frowning. “It seems we have some last-minute witnesses petitioning to be heard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The main doors opened at the back of the room, and four people dressed all in grey walked into the room: Ishim, his mother Naomi, older brother Uriel, and Hannah.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel exhaled, all the air fleeing his lungs.  When he tried to take a breath, he couldn’t find any oxygen in the room.  Spots flit across his eyes and when he looked up and saw Ishim smile at him, his equilibrium was upset, flipping him on his side and bringing back the black oily stain he thought he’d finally left behind back.  It smothered him, filling his nose and flowing down his throat, but then he felt the warm hand holding his squeeze gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was there, looking right at him, grounding him with his goodness.  He held Jack easily and sweetly like he’d been there since the boy was born.  And his son nestled into Dean’s shoulder, tired and overwhelmed but finding comfort in the man holding him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel took a deep breath and leaned over to Pamela. “Can we stop them from speaking?” he whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately, no.  These hearings are open to anyone who wants to speak.  I’ll do my best with the judge and protest anything inappropriate they say, but as you’ve seen, Billie doesn’t have much interest in what I have to say. However, she doesn’t have much interest in anyone, she’s all about order, and we have that on our side.  Fortunately, justice is blind.” She pulled her black sunglasses down her nose and winked one white eye at him with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it will be fine Castiel, she was about to rule in your favor.” Sam adds, “Unless there’s something they can say that you didn’t tell me, they have nothing they can submit that will change her mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I told you everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then, try to relax and remember to breathe.  And don’t interrupt.  Don’t let them goad you. Judge de Morte or Pamela will handle everything.” Sam clapped him on the shoulder in support with a thin smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel sat back and Sam poured him a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re honor,” Ishim began but Billie silenced him with the most blood-curdling look Castiel had ever seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As I am the judge, I will be the one speaking,” she began, a new aura of authority settling over her that both scared and delighted Castiel to see; not many people could intimidate Ishim. It made Castiel a little giddy. “I understand there are a number of you petitioning to speak against Castiel Novak’s petition for custody.  However, as he has demonstrated an ability to care for the child and has been proven through DNA to be the boy’s father, there’s not much of a case to be made short of proving Mr. Novak is somehow causing his son harm, which at this point, I do not believe to be the case.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ishim Shuley, I’m not interested in the comments of proven abusers.  How long before the boy carries the same scars and bruises as his father if he stays with you?  As you are Jack’s great-uncle, there is no legal precedence for you to make a custody petition when there is a capable parent available.  You, sir, are lucky I don’t have the evidence gathered against you sent to criminal court so they can arrest you while you’re already here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am also throwing out Naomi Novak and Uriel Novak’s requests to testify as they have no first-hand claim to the boy.  However, I will hear from Hannah Angeleno, the sister of the defendant, as she has been the primary caregiver of the boy for the last three years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aunt Hannah!” Jack cried out, eyes wide as he twisted in Dean’s embrace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah’s blue eyes were dim when she turned toward Jack.  Her lips curled in a pinched smile and her eyes had purplish circles beneath them.  Her hair wasn’t in its usual smooth waves but looked tangled and her clothing rumpled.  It was such a stark contrast from her usual composed demeanor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stiffened when he looked over at her.  Isham had a hand on her shoulder, giving Cas palpitations.  He knew that vacant look and the slope of her shoulders.  He’d been the one in her position more than once.  Being held up before an audience, forced to recite words he did not mean in his heart, forced to commit the sin of deception before God and man out of fear. She did not meet his gaze or acknowledge Jack beyond the one small smile.  What had they made her agree to say?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ishim grumbled before grabbing Hannah roughly by the arm and whispering into her hair.  He pushed her forward before he, Naomi, and Uriel sat in one of the empty rows behind Cas as Hannah stepped forward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Angeleno, do you have a prepared statement?” Billie asked, her gaze neutral.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Ma’am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your honor,” Ishim stood, “Hannah does have something specific she would like to say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Shurley, if you open your mouth again, I will have you thrown in a holding cell.  Let’s be clear, I don’t like you and I don’t want to hear your voice unless I specifically ask for it.  Nod that you understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ishim nodded.  A look like brimstone burning in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Angeleno, are you here of your own free will?” Billie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ma’am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And have you been coerced into making a statement?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ma’am, but I would not do that to my brother or disrespect you that way.  What I have to say is mine alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, interest curling her lips into what might even be a smile. “Go ahead then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your honor,” Hannah took a deep breath and Cas could see her hands tremble before she clasped them together in front of her. “By brother, Castiel is my best friend.  He is smart, compassionate, and selfless.  I have never known of a time when he didn’t do his best to do the right thing and help people, even when it was against his own best interest.  My greatest shame is that I wasn’t a better sister to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--Hannah, no!” Cas stood up, imploring his sister to look at him but instead, the tears she’d been holding in fell down her cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He has suffered immeasurable pain and loss, and now he has been given the greatest gift anyone could hope for—the love of a good man and a child who adores him.  I did not raise Jack.  I cared for Jack with my whole heart and miss him every day, but I was only ever a placeholder for the love only a parent can give him.  Castiel is a devout man, a loving father, and my greatest joy.  I wish nothing more than for him and his family to be happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you are not putting forth a petition against Castiel receiving full physical custody,”  Billie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, your honor, I am testifying on my brother’s behalf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whore!” Isham stood, his voice a grating assault on the courtroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Balif, please escort this man to a holding cell.” Billie barely even blinked as Ishim was hauled out of the court, leaving behind a stunned Naomi and Uriel in his wake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ms. Angeleno, your testimony is now recorded for Mr. Novak’s file and I’m certain he appreciates your support.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah turned and directed a subdued smile at Castiel before turning away to sit by their glaring mother.  Perhaps no one but him understood the risk Hannah just took.  The repercussions could be devastating, from the loss of her marriage and children to even physical judgment.  He fell back into his chair at the idea of someone else being hurt because of him, but Dean’s steadying hand on his shoulder recentered him.  Hannah did what she felt was right and was willing to face the consequences. This had been her gift to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, if I have everyone’s permission, I’d like to make my ruling,” Billie’s face flashed with irritation looking over at Naomi and Uriel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bailiff called for everyone to stand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Full legal and physical custody is hereby granted to Castiel Novak.  I will forward the results of this case to the clerk's office and an official birth certificate listing you as the father and Kelly Kline as the mother will be issued along with a social security card.  There are no further steps you need to take at this time.  Please allow me to be the first to congratulate Father and Son.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Billie smiled finally, an earth-shatteringly beautiful sight, and swept out of the room.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sat in shock, but Dean shifted Jack in his arms to sit between the two men. “You hear that, Jack?  You get to stay, you and your Daddy get to stay together and no one can take you away again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pulled Dean into a hug, squashing Jack between them as the stress tears he’d been holding in broke through in loud sobs.  “Jack!” He said, clutching the boy and kissing his head. “Dean!” he leaned into the first kiss Dean had granted him since they returned to Sioux Falls and his world splintered, everything he thought was holding him back, all the horrors that haunted him became irrelevant in the soft warmth of Dean’s lips and the sweet boy still holding on between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel?” Hannah’s soft voice finally reached him.  He turned to find her standing just behind him, a few soft tears in the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more sooner.  Please, be happy.  You of everyone deserves to be happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hannah,” Naomi scolded behind her and when Castiel looked up, neither his mother nor brother would meet his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Hannah.” He stood and reached for her, pulling her into a soft hug as if afraid too much pressure might cause her to crumble and fall apart. “If there’s ever anything I can do for you?  You know you could stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah shook her head. “No, I have to return to my children.  I will miss you, Castiel.  Perhaps someday we’ll see each other again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know where I’ll be, and you are always welcome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah looked at Dean with a fond smile before leaning in to kiss Jack’s cheek.  “Goodbye, my little soldier.  You be good for your Daddy and Dean, and remember how much I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aunt Hannah!” Jack reached out and clung to her but she didn’t take him from Dean’s arms, just kissed the boy on the head again, sniffing as her tears fell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll miss you both so very much.” Her smile wavered as her eyes filled with water and her breath became ragged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, little sister.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” she nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah wandered away and Dean whispered, “Did your religious fanatic sister just Han Solo you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel started laughing between his tears, emotions swirling too fast to determine which he felt before the next befell him.  He kissed Dean again and pulled Jack up into his arms.  He kept laughing as he hugged Sam and Pamela and didn’t stop as they joined everyone waiting in the courthouse to announce the official ruling.  He laughed and kissed pretty much anyone he came into contact with. His joy was infections, like all the hopes and dreams and happiness he’d denied himself for his whole life came pouring out all at once.  Dean invited everyone over to celebrate on Saturday, knowing Castiel and Jack were too tired to deal with so many people today.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cried and laughed the entire ride home.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a quiet dinner during which Jack managed to get Dean to promise to help him paint his room purple, Castiel put Jack to bed and found himself alone with Dean.  Most nights, it had been easy to fall back into being together, a few gentle touches and domestic routine, but tonight he wanted nothing more than to kiss the beautiful man who had offered to marry him in front of a judge for the sake of his son.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat on the couch, drinking tumblers of whiskey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, about what you said today…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said a lot of things, Cas.  Meant every one of them too.” Dean’s cheeks pinkened a touch. “But we don’t have to do anything. You have custody now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I did think about it. I’ve thought about it before, actually, and I think it’s a good idea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Dean’s head jerked up and his eyes went wide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think…” He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling for a minute to steady his nerves.  “I think you deserve to know that I’m in this too.  I hurt you and there’s no way to undo that, but if you’ll have me, I’d like to show you how I feel about us, about our family.  To commit before God that you are my soul. You own my heart, no matter what, and I’m here.  I’m ‘in it’ as you say, and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I never want to hurt you again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stared at him a moment too long like he wasn’t sure at what moment the joke was going to become funny.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel put his drink down and scooted closer to Dean, who looked like he might kiss him or throw up.  He put his hands on Dean’s arms and looked at him earnestly. “Dean Winchester, when you’re ready, will you marry me?  Will you help me raise Jack and be his father and spend your life being slightly irritated with me?  Will you allow me to love you and take care of you for the rest of our lives?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy fuck, Cas.  I mean, I meant it, of course, but I don’t want to pressure you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean?” Cas looked up at him through black lashes.  “I love you.  I’ve never loved anyone but you and I never will.  If it’s not what you want, that won’t stop me from loving you, but if that piece of paper you offered the judge would mean as much to you as it would to me, let's do this.  And it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. We can wait, we can take our time with everything, as long as you know I love you and that someday, I’d be honored to be yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, placing his hands on Cas’s cheeks, and pulled him close before folding him into his arms. “I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled back and dropped his lips down to Castiel’s, nibbling on the lower one until Cas reached out to taste him.  The kiss was intoxicating, filled with endorphins and love and dreams of a life yet led.  “Okay, yes… yes…” Dean whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come to bed with me tonight?” Cas asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he nodded before diving in to kiss Castiel senseless.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Your Love Is So Colorful It Flashes Like A Neon Sign</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G:<br/>Castiel goes to court to get custody of Jack<br/>Dean proposes<br/>Hannah comes through for her brother, again</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel took Dean’s hand and pulled him back to their room.  His grip was loose, letting Dean have any opportunity to turn away if he wanted to, to drop his hold without resistance.  But his heart pounded a constant thudding in his chest, driving his anxiety higher.  Even getting to kiss Dean again was a revelation.  One kiss in a motel parking lot was all the contact they’d had since August, a few moments of hands touching or supportive claps on the shoulder, but that was it.  And all Castiel wanted in the whole world was to bury himself in Dean, to lose his mind in his smell, his skin, his touch.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trial was finally over. He had custody of his son. Dean had proposed to him in front of a judge and meant it completely.  What more could Castiel possibly want?  But he was greedy, and he wanted Dean, as much of him as he could get.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t talk or try to break the silence.  Just the sound of their breath filled the air.  Usually, Dean would crack a joke or say something inappropriately flirty, and Cas would stumble around sincere words while mixing in a teasing insult or two.  But tonight, they had more to say than any of their words could communicate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the end of the bed, Cas turned and reached for Dean, his hands laying on his shoulders and pulling him tight.  Dean came close, winding his strong arms around Cas’s back and pressing their bodies together from knee to cheek.  Cas laid soft light kisses on Dean’s jaw, flutters of affection and love.  His hands worked up into Dean’s hair. Standing there, soaking in the warmth of the other’s body, they rocked ever so slightly in each other’s embrace, a sweet entrancing dance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel relaxed, sighing into Dean’s neck, pulling in the scent of the man he’d missed for so long. Too long.  Being away from this, from him, had been agony.  Worse than the beatings he took for forgetting his place, worse than the punishments for stepping in over how his brothers and uncle spoke to Jack.  He bore every bruise and cut with stoic acceptance, but it was Dean’s touch that ripped through his soul and brought him asunder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the time he’d been back, Dean had stayed on the couch, keeping his distance, even resisting the casual touches and affections he would normally freely give.  Castiel understood. Dean deserved all the time he needed or wanted.  But still, his heart ached.  It had been killing him to respect those boundaries, but he knew what kind of man he wanted to be, the kind of man he wanted to raise Jack to be, and that meant taking things at Dean’s pace.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now, he offered his love and Dean reached back out to take it.  He slipped a hand into Dean’s hair, pulling gently on the short locks before massaging his scalp the pads of his fingers.  Dean sighed, relaxing into the touch while pressing his thumbs into the divots next to Castiel’s hip bones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel continued to place slow, open mouthed kisses along Dean’s jaw, down his neck, even across the fabric covering his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean slid his hands up the back of Cas’s shirt, warm hands against his strong back.  Castiel leaned further into the embrace, letting Dean hold some of his weight.  The warm hands ran up and down his back slowly before pushing it up, making him raise his arms so that Dean could pull the shirt off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel knew how he looked.  Some of the more profound injuries still left his chest bruised and the yellow reminders of the beatings he’d endured remained.  His ribs showed clearly, his bones sharp, and his stomach sunken in.  He was not beautiful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when Dean ran his hands over Castiel’s sides, he didn’t say a thing or even show that he’d noticed the changes to Cas’s body.  Cas knew he had. He’d mentioned it in passing since they’d reunited, never with cruelty, only the kind concern that was so intrinsically Dean.  But now, at this moment, Dean just kissed him.  His lips were tender.  They kissed, insistent, desperate presses of their lips until Cas broke.  He tried to wait, to let Dean lead the charge, but his knees wanted to buckle, his body melted against Dean’s sweet touches.  So he opened his mouth and licked Dean’s lower lip with a moan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas…” Dean groaned before diving in, possessing Castiel’s mouth like a demon overtaking his soul.  The kiss didn’t match the touches.  These kisses were desperate, passionate, needy.  Castiel gripped Dean hard and the other man’s fingers dug into Castiel’s back.  He moved one leg forward, pressing his thigh between Dean’s legs, giving him something to rut against.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Dean did. He grunted against Castiel’s mouth before licking his way back in and grinding hard against his thigh. “Fuck…” he moaned, hands and mouth wild against Castiel.  Dean grabbed his ass, pulling them tighter together, rolling his hips like a fucking animal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s mind swam with his need, desire, and passion, and love, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> swam in Castiel’s veins, bringing his passion higher, heating the room.  He reached out and pulled Dean’s shirt off, barely breaking their kiss, and then just as quickly, he ran his hands over Dean’s strong shoulders, clutching at his chest, dragging his nails down his sides.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, ok, shit…” Dean pulled away from his touch and laid his hands flat on Castiel’s front. “We, um, we should shut the door.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, right, Jack…” Castiel moved away, feeling cold immediately from the lack of touch.  He closed the door gently and when he turned back, Dean was standing on his side of the bed, the side he’d once sat reading in, the side where he’d lay and joke with Castiel in the mornings, the side he’d sleep in the nights from here forward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stood opposite Dean as they both undid their pants and pushed them down, eyes raking over each other’s bodies.  He ached with it, the want burned inside him, threatening to dry him out, remove anything that wasn’t this constant desperate need. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, Dean jumped on the bed, cock bouncing, grabbed his pillow, and smacked Castiel in the face with it. “Pillow Fight!” He whisper/screamed with a giggle at the aghast and offended look on Castiel’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean…” Castiel scolded behind his stoic face that slowly broke into pieces revealing the smile below.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Dean knee-walked to where Castiel stood next to the bed in only his boxer briefs and wrapped his arms around him. “It felt a little too serious and intense for a second there.” Dean placed a kiss against Castiel’s fully smiling lips. “I didn’t want to forget it’s just us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean kissed Castiel again, playful little nips at his lower lip, tongue seeking the flavor of him.  When he pulled away, Castiel followed, joining Dean on the bed, until they tumbled side by side, facing each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, man…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you. I’m so fucking glad you’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” Castiel rolled toward Dean, draping himself over Dean’s body, so their legs slid together and kissed him into the mattress.  He hunted Dean’s breath, stealing the air from his lungs with each lick and nip and suck.  His hands pushed Dean down, holding him in place, as if afraid he would lose him if he let up for even a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean clung to Castiel’s back, blunt nails and strong fingers gripping and pulling Cas closer. He rocked his hips up, wrapping a leg around Castiel’s waist to bring them closer together.  Whimpers break free as he grinds against Cas’s thighs, letting go of his lips to throw his head back, lost in the pleasure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel kissed his way down Dean’s exposed throat, scraping his teeth along his flesh.  When Dean grabbed his ass and pushed his thigh up into Cas, he dropped his head, sucking on the tender muscle.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dean...</span>
  </em>
  <span>  He moaned and purred against his flesh before working his lips lower.  Castiel chewed on Dean’s muscled chest, his hands stroking across his stomach and sides.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean fisted Castiel’s short hair, pulling when Cas sucked Dean’s nipple into his mouth, pulling and licking on the sensitive nub.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gahh,” Dean cried out when Cas tweaked the other nipple with his fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel moved over, lapping at it with his tongue until Dean was muttering and whispering nonsense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moved down, licking over Dean’s strong stomach, licking and biting at the thick muscle of his abs.  His hands clamped down on Dean’s hips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, God… yes…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel kissed below his belly button before placing a soft kiss on the dripping head of Dean’s cock.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He mouthed down Dean’s length, breathing hot against the twitching cock.  Castiel took Dean into his mouth in deep wet pulls.  He tasted earthy and tangy. He explored his cock with his lips and tongue, up and down the length of it, wrapping his tongue around the cut edge of the tip, dipping in to taste the salty-sweet precum that rewarded him for a job well done.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, watching the chiseled features of the man below him mewling in ecstasy over nothing more than giving a blowjob.  The most thorough and intoxicating blowjob Dean had ever had.  All he had to do was shift his weight and Cas would know he wanted it harder or faster, somehow reading his body like braille.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hafta stop,” Dean pulled his hips away as he scooted further up the bed.  His cock fell from Cas’s mouth with a pop.  His breath came hard and steady as he worked to maintain his composure. He reached down, urging Castiel up next to him, pushing his underwear off, so he could feel all of Cas against himself as he delivered a soft, slow kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I do it wrong?” Cas asked sweetly, his hands stroking Dean’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, fuck, no, not at all.  It just...  I don’t want to cum yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Cas smiled. “So I did it right then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you did it right. You always do it right,” Dean laughed and pulled him tighter against his chest so he could feel every inhale and exhale Castiel made.  Dean ran his hand down the length of Cas’s right side, letting himself feel the burnt skin and the smooth softness of the rest of his body.  His thigh had a nasty scar on the side, but the muscle was strong and his thighs thick.  After a while, Dean didn’t even notice, only felt the changing topography of Castiel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon their lips were together again, unable to stay away, as their hands roamed.  Dean tried to roll over Cas, but he was an immovable object. Always so much stronger than he looked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what you want,” Castiel whispered huskily, changing the momentum so he hovered over Dean who hummed his approval.  His cock laid thick and long against Dean’s stomach while the rest of him looked down at the gift he’s received.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He began kissing his way down Dean again, flitting his tongue across his sensitive nipples.  When he got to Dean’s cock, he rocked upward, seeking contact.  A moan broke from his lips with a desperate cry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh…” Castiel blew against his erection, giving it a firm lick, before working his way down to mouth at Dean’s balls, kissing and sucking them one at a time into his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s hands fisted in the sheets.  He wanted to bring them to his face, but then he wouldn’t be able to see the glorious sight of Cas settling between his legs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pulled and licked on Dean’s balls while his warm finger moved lower, exploring further into the forbidden.  He pushed Dean’s thighs up and slipped his shoulders beneath, receiving a happy, surprised gasp.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How, how do you know what to do?” Dean’s voice came out hoarse and needy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve seen porn, Dean.” Castiel looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.  “Plus, I know what I want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean chuckled, nervous for the first time about sex in years, but this was Cas and he wanted to give him everything, every good thing possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel breathed hot and needy against Dean’s pucker before pressing his tongue against it, lapping and them flicking his tongue sharply.  He rolled a lazy tongue around his opening and perineum, basking in the taste of Dean. He licked firm and sure, making slow circles and then pressing his flat tongue against Dean’s opening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean rocked his hips, pressing himself down against Cas’s face, a stream of curse words even he didn’t realize he knew spewing from his mouth, but Cas held firm, riding out the storm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Cas groaned as he moved to kiss the inside of Dean’s thighs, sucking and biting on the bowed legs, marking his claim.  He licked back to Dean’s hole, pressing his tongue inside, nipping the sensitive skin, then sucking hard until Dean was a mess of please and shivers and need.  He adds a finger to his tongue’s probing, wetting it with his mouth.  He presses into the tight heat, pausing for Dean to adjust before pushing forward until his whole finger was sheathed inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I.  Oh, God.” Dean squirms and presses the heels of his hands to his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, I need you to do something,” Castiel places a sweet kiss on Dean’s hip as he slowly fucks him with one finger, the second pressing up against Dean’s needy opening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… what?” Dean croaked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you reach the lube,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>kiss,</span>
  </em>
  <span> “or do I have to stop what I’m doing?” Castiel wiggled his finger and applied more pressure with his second, just beginning to stretch Dean’s rim.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t… Don’t stop.  It’s right…” He leaned over and opened his bedside drawer to grab the lube and pass it down to Dean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel left wet sloppy kisses all over Dean’s hip, chewing on the strong muscles of his lower abs and licking his bone.  When he had the lube, he poured it on his fingers, warming it as much as he could without having to pull out of Dean.  Still slowly stroking him with one finger, Castiel eased the second in, watching as a look of bliss came over Dean’s face and his whole body relaxed into Castiel’s touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, that’s, that’s good, Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel stroked Dean’s cock with one hand, kissing his hip and thigh, as he pushed his fingers in deeper, twisting and curling them to pull new sounds with each thrust.  When Dean bore down, pressing himself against Castiel’s hand, he added a third finger quickly, not easing Dean in but allowing the stretch to burn and be soothed by the lube.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, Cas, please…” Dean squirmed, pushing down with every thrust of Castiel’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please what, Dean,” Castiel smiled up at him and laughed when Dean glowered down at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make love to me, please, tell me you’re gonna, that this isn’t.  I mean… this is good, this is enough, we don’t have to.” Dean’s voice broke on the last word as Cas spread his fingers inside him, thrusting deep and pushing hard against his prostate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pulled his fingers out slowly, looking at Dean’s debauched ass and bobbing cock.  It was the sexiest fucking thing he’d ever seen.  And it was his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slid up Dean’s body, running kisses and licks along the way even as he hurried to reach his goal. “Yes, Dean,” he whispered against Dean’s lips, kissing them lightly and settling his body between his legs. “I want to feel you.  I want to make love to you and spend my life finding new ways to make you feel good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Dean’s eyes fluttered closed and he leaned up to kiss Castiel deeper, wrapping his arms around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas pressed the head of his cock at Dean’s entrance and paused, “Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded and then stilled beneath him. “Wait, should we… I have condoms.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Cas said, having honestly not considered it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I’m fine.  I’m clean, I haven’t been with anyone in… over a year now and I’ve been tested.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kelly and I were both virgins, and that’s the total sum of my experience,” Castiel said, placing kisses along Dean’s neck.  “I haven’t been tested, though.  If you’d rather wait… or use a condom.  Whatever you want.” His kisses were sweet and sincere as his hips rolled, just touching the heat of Dean’s opening gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Dean put both hands on Castiel’s shoulders before looking at him in the eye. “I want to feel you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel quivered. His whole body shook at the impact of Dean’s words.  He didn’t realize until then how much he wanted the same thing.  He kissed Dean hard and reached between them, slicking his cock up with the lube still on his hand, before pressing against the stretched opening of Dean’s ass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushed in, his head resting inside Dean, and his breath caught.  Dean clung to his shoulders, short nails running down Cas’s back until they reached his ass and pulled him in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More,” Dean breathed, lifting his hips and pulling Cas closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slid into Dean, where it was tight and hot and perfect.  Slowly he let himself give in until he was deep inside, his cock surrounded by Dean’s pulsing as.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Dean hissed, lifting his hips and wrapping his legs around Castiel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a moan too sinful to actually be the prayer Castiel felt in his heart, he rocked his hips, pulling out most of the way and diving back in with a strong deep thrust. “Dean, Fuck…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.  I love it when you fucking swear,” Dean grabbed Castiel’s face and kissed him while rocking his hips up, fucking himself on Cas’s hard cock. “Don’t stop,” he whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel pulled out and thrust back in, repeating the long delicious strokes until they were both shaking with restraint.  He continued to kiss Dean until he couldn’t focus on more than the other man clenching around him with lava-like heat.  As he felt himself get closer, Dean mewled, writhing below him, reaching out and grabbing any part of Castiel he could find.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spread his legs and lifted up on his knees, his hands under Dean’s ass, pulling him along.  In this position, Castiel could get even deeper, reaching further inside Dean to where he was nearly insane with pleasure, rubbing directly against Dean’s prostate with every hard thrust.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas picked up his pace, his jaw tight as he strained to last longer.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, fuck, please… yes… Fuck, that’s… oh… so fucking good!”  Dean cried out, his voice hoarse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel slammed forward, lifting up and using his body weight to push Dean further into the mattress, so he sank ever deeper.  He rocked into Dean, hitting just the right spot, causing the man to come untouched all over himself.  Dean tightened around Castiel’s cock, his insides throbbing and gripping Cas with little spasms that pulled him ever closer to oblivion.  The sight of Dean, blissed out and covered in his own cum was so delectable and profane, Castiel shuddered with his own release, spilling deep inside Dean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed like that for a moment, stunned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean said when he regained his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached up and touched Castiel’s face, whose vision was returning from the flashes of white that had blinded him with the intensity of his orgasm. “I love you so fucking much, Dean.”  He fell onto the other man's body pulling his still hard erection free so he could wrap his arms around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, you’re smearing us both with cum.” Dean scolded with a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll just have to take a shower then,” Castiel twisted his neck so he could take Dean’s lips in a soft, lingering kiss.  It was lazy and sloppy and absolutely perfect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was really fucking good,” Dean whispered against Castiel’s lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Cas leaned back and looked down at the man who had completely stolen his heart. “I thought so, but I don’t have much to compare it to…” A blush rose over Castiel’s cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re getting shy now?  Don’t start with that shit.  I don’t think I’ve ever come just from someone’s cock before.  That was… it was amazing.  And it was with you.  That makes it perfect,” Dean kissed his nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I guess we’re living in sin now.” Castiel sighed and rolled off Dean slightly so he could support some of his weight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep, sex before marriage.  You know it’s forbidden.” Castiel smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing I proposed then,” Dean smirked, his green eyes sparkling in the dim light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’ll have to go through with it, now that you’ve ruined me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess so,” Dean kissed his cheek. “Such a travesty it was the premarital sex that did you in and not being a complete flaming homo.” Dean laughed and kissed Castiel again, wrapping his arms around him and pulling their sweat and cum soaked chests together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  I thought this was a no-homo thing,” Castiel chuckled into Dean’s lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think that’s how this works, buddy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmmm, good.  Because if I wasn’t into men before you, I certainly would be now.” Castiel deepened their kiss, tasting the other man’s lips and tongue reverently.  “Yeah, I think we have final confirmation.  Definitely gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to know.” Dean smiled and kissed Castiel again before pulling him up and walking them down the hall to the shower.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. I Think That I'm Happy I Think That I'm Blessed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Previously on Prayer in G: <br/>Sexy times for Cas and Dean</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologize for taking so long with this.  It's so hard to say goodbye :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>*6 Months Later*</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean woke up to a sweaty, sticky toddler attached to his head like a lemur.  All four limbs were somehow wrapped around his upper body and head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack,” Dean murmured as he tried to unentangle himself from the clingopotomous in dinosaur pajamas. As soon as he had one arm removed and attempted to remove a leg, Jack rolled closer and snuggled into Dean’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He sleeps like you,” Castiel said from the doorway, looking fondly at the two most important men in his life. “You’re more of a full-body orangutang, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s really hot for this,” Dean whispered, still trying to get away without waking Jack. He had his feet on the floor and was slithering out of the boy’s embrace to the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel held out a cup of coffee and kissed Dean sweetly, glad he was up and they had a few moments of quiet together. It was something they didn’t have much anymore between Jack and watching Sam and Eileen’s daughter most days and some evenings so Eileen could work.  Castiel loved it, though.  All the time he’d missed with Jack, he was soaking up with baby Roberta, reveling in every new amazing thing she could do.  And Jack had proven himself to be a careful and nurturing helper, which made Cas’s heart soar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stepped into the living room and Castiel stopped, looking at the wall above the couch where two framed certificates hung.  One was their marriage certificate and the other was Dean’s official adoption of Jack. Cas always found himself stopping to gaze at them when he came into the living room.  This was the evidence of their family.  He couldn’t imagine a day when just the sight of them wouldn’t take his breath away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their wedding had been a small affair, just them, Bobby and Ellen, Sam and Eileen, and of course Charlie.  Simple and perfect with a small party in Bobby’s yard for whoever wanted to show up and brought some food to share.  It ended up being a massive gathering, loud and boisterous, the kind of thing Castiel usually avoided. But that night, Castiel loved every moment of it. Kissing his husband while dancing under the moonlight surrounded by their friends and family was a reality he’d never let himself hope for, and to have his son there…  Castiel couldn’t think about it too much or he’d start to cry again, just standing in the living room on a random Saturday morning.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was home, where he was loved and accepted.  Castiel’s only regret was that Hannah couldn’t be there, but he sent her a letter telling her all about it.  If anyone else read it, well, that was fine. He was never going back to that place anyway.  He sent her letters regularly, trying for once a week.  Part of him assumed she never saw them, that they were either burned or read by Ishim, but he kept writing to her, hoping someday he’d see her again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, dreamer, I’m talkin’ to you,” Dean teased, poking Castiel in the ribs.  “What were you thinking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hannah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her so much.  I wish there was something I could do to help her get out of there.  Her kids too.” Cas frowned, regret washing over his features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, baby,” Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel’s waist, who slid into position easily, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder.  “Maybe someday. She knows we’re here whenever she’s ready.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel nodded.  It was a common conversation topic but it always helped him to say it out loud and hear Dean be the voice of reason and hope. Every time they discussed it, he worried Dean would be annoyed with him for needing to talk it through again like a mantra, but he never was.  Dean always understood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stepped outside and Dean closed the door behind them as they headed out to sit on the porch swing with their coffee and enjoy the morning breeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what time are we supposed to get there?” Castiel asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you asking me?  This is your thing.” Dean teased, drinking his coffee and tangling his ankle with Cas’s</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were supposed to handle my social calendar like a good wife.” Castiel teased, looking up at Dean in hopes of a kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha!” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kiss rebuffed.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “If anyone here is the wife, it’s you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’s that now?” Cas teases, leaning further into the warmth and comfort of Dean.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I work full time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I work and go to school. That takes a lot of time.” Cas glared playfully at his husband.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I earn all the money, you make what, a buck fifty an hour?” Dean kisses Castiel on the head to make sure he knows it’s a joke, not a dig.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe, but you do all the cooking,” Cas counters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you are home most days with Jack or taking care of Roberta. That’s definitely wife work.” Dean laughed, leaning in to place a kiss against Cas’s smiling lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you bring our niece into this.  Watching Roberta is uncle work, not wife work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Dean’s eyes twinkle, “Ok, husband, when’s the last time you changed the oil in any of the cars or fixed something like, let’s say, the shower spigot in the outside shower you broke.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas glares again. “I fix shit,” he growled before cracking a mischievous smile. “You have some good points, but I still win,” He lowered his voice so it was barely a growl, leaned in, and said against Dean’s lips, “because you take my cock so prettily…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blushed and shut Cas up by completing the kiss. “You’re a cheater,” he said when he pulled away without a bit of anger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel shrugged and took another sip of his coffee, a smug gleam to his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your stupid event is at 11 and you know it,” Dean laughed, kissing Castiel on the shoulder before dropping his head to rest there, enjoying the stillness of the summer heat.  These moments of quiet togetherness might be rare these days but are only more precious for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean and Cas held hands all the way to the Church while Jack sat in the back seat singing along to ACDC as if it were a Kidz Bop album.  They parked in Cas’s spot with the sign “Interim Minister” on display.  Everyone knew Dean’s car now, no chance of them getting towed this time.  Especially now that Duma worked in the office full time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hopped out of the car and made their way to the grassy area next to the rectory.  Jack sat happily on Dean’s shoulders, still singing quietly to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ohh, you kept me waiting, boy!” Missouri said when she saw them and rushed over, taking Cas by the hand and pulling him away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go be godly and shit!” Dean called out after them, earning a warning scowl from Cas.  Dean could behave when he wanted to, but he didn’t have to yet and it was too much fun to watch that look come across Cas’s face to give up pushing his buttons.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At a quarter to 11, the yard was full.  Most of the locals had shown up, even those not a part of the church.  What Cas had done here, what he had put into motion, affected them all.  For Dean’s part, he was happily watching Jack make peekaboo faces at Roberta in her baby carrier attached to Sam’s chest and basking in the fact that this was his life now.  Everyone from Bobby and Ellen, to Charlie and their movie night friends, to Claire and the other gaybees, to Duma were there.  The guys from Bobby’s shop had come out, and Charlie passed out flyers in the comic book store all week like it was a fire sale.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But instead, it was the official opening of Mary’s House.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The small rectory now had two entrances, one for the boys’ dorms and one for the girls’.  The sleeping and small sitting area for each were separate and then the shared kitchen and common space was in the middle.  Trans and non-binary folks were allowed to self-identify which dorm they would prefer; something Cas had fought hard for and won.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took Dean and Rufus a lot of sweat and blood, and Rufus might have shed some tears, although he’d never admit it, to finish.  Sam and Charlie pitched in when they had the time and a few other people from the church did the painting and searched for furniture donations so it would be ready for today.  Now, the Rectory’s exterior was painted white and between the two doors was a large sign with Red Script that read: </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mary’s House</b>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Matthew 25:35</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas had done this.  He’d done it for people like him, who didn’t have a home when he so desperately needed one.  He’d done it for kids like Max, who didn’t have the safety every child should know.  He’d done it for everyone, to bring them together, to show that caring about each other was so much more powerful than ripping people apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Dean loved him so fucking much for it.  This place represented more than just housing to him. It represented all the goodness that defined Cas.  All the love and selflessness that he saw when he looked into those earnest blue eyes was made manifest here before a crowd too big for the space but vibrating with joy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Dean started to get misty-eyed, Bobby and Ellen approached and Jack squealed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Papa!” He said, jumping into Bobby’s arms, who lifted him up above his head and set the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s that boy?  Did anyone see where Jack went?” Bobby asked, turning around every which way while Jack squealed with delight, giggling and calling out for his Papa over and over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean had never been sure if he’d get this and seeing Bobby taking in Jack as family, the same way he’d taken in him and Sam, with nothing but love and complete devotion, would make a weaker man tear up.  And the evidence may suggest that Dean wasn’t as strong as he thought, but he’d never admit that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the sound of Missouri’s voice, booming over the speakers he and Rufus had set up last night, everyone settled down.  He settled in next to Sam and wrapped an arm around Charlie, who smiled up at him with bright shining eyes.  This was no small victory for her too.  Having the LGTBQ restriction removed from the Charter of Mary’s House had been personal for her, and Cas had won.  He’d moved the mountain and said, Mohammad, get your ass up here where we can see the big picture.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to thank ya’ll for comin’ out here today.  I’m Missouri Mosley, the Board President of Divine Light Church and I know it’s plenty hot and you’re all ready for some of that food on the table. Especially for some of Ellen Hargraves Deviled Eggs. But it’s important sometimes to take a moment and recognize when a great thing has come into being.  I’ll let our handsome Reverend Castiel talk about the mission and our hopes as a faith community for Mary’s House. Oh, but I would like to take a quick minute if ya’ll don’t mind -- Kevin Tran, I can see you, boy, stop rolling your eyes at me -- a quick minute to announce that our current interim minister has completed his ministerial program and will be promoted to Full Minister at the beginning of September!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A cheer rose up and Dean’s jaw dropped.  Cas hadn’t told him he’d finished his thesis, let alone that he’d defended it.  It made sense now how crabby and tense he’d been the last month but Dean had assumed it was growing pains of any relationship and tried to ride it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He finished?” Sam whispered as Cas took the mic and started talking about Mary’s House as an inclusive transitional housing option for teens and early 20s in need of community support so they could start their adult lives without already being a step behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I guess so.” Dean shrugged and took Roberta’s little hand in his own.  She wrapped it around his pointer finger and brought it directly to her wet little mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did he end up writing on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean kept an eye on Cas as he stood so confidently in his black slacks, black button-up shirt, and white cleric collar. “Biblical evidence against Conversion Therapy for LGTBQ youth and the unchristian outcome of such programs.”  Dean had the phrasing memorized.  He had been beyond proud when Cas finally settled on a topic.  The thesis had practically written itself between Cas’s life experience and his near memorization of the Bible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heavy,” Sam nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t read it.  He talks about it all the time, though, sounds intense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?  Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas didn’t want me to. I think he’s shy about it.  Some day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel finished speaking and worked his way through the crowd, his height and dark hair making it easy for Dean to spot where he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good?” He asked Bobby, who was sitting on the ground with Jack in his lap while Eileen played pattycake games with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a pig in mud, son.  A pig in mud.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean chuckled and clapped Bobby on the shoulder as he walked by.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood back for a moment, watching as congregants and friends alike swarmed Cas, congratulating him on Mary’s House and on the job.  He stood straight, his back relaxed but strong, his shoulders back and confident.  He’d filled out since coming home, more muscular, and some needed weight packed on and he was a vision.  Strong and commanding with those blue eyes.  Dean could understand how he commanded the attention of a whole congregation. He was mesmerizing.  This was the Cas he always knew was under the layers of guilt and shame, the one he’d fallen in love with, the one he always knew the man could be, and fuck did it feel good to see him out in his element, happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He approached from behind but instead of wrapping his arms around Cas’s waist and spinning him like he wanted to, Dean remembered to be a grownup for at least a few hours and slipped his hand into his husband’s with a wide smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas’s face lit up and he leaned up to kiss Dean on the cheek. “Meet Duma’s friend Gadreel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled at the tall, square-faced man and reached out to shake his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so you two are…” Gadreel asked with a shy smile, looking at their hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gay as Christmas,” Dean pumped the man’s hand with a wide toothy smile as Castiel rolled his eyes and answered, “Married.  Adults say married at this point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean could hear the smile in Cas’s voice, though. “Nice to meet you, Gadreel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You as well, as I understand it, I have you to thank for taking Castiel off the market.  Otherwise, I’m not sure I would have stood a chance with Duma.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gadreel!” she scolded, blushing but looking at him fondly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime, man, happy I could help a brother out,” Dean laughed, earning himself another eye roll from Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wandered away and Dean leaned down to kiss Cas gently on the lips.  “Congratulations on the thesis, man.  Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’s cheeks flushed. “I don’t know, really, somehow, it was too big.  Like the last puzzle piece slipping into place and I didn’t want to jinx it until the board approved the job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it,” Dean smiled.  “I’m so fucking proud of you.  Really.  I can’t wait for Jack to start kindergarten and you to start this new job.  Sometimes, I feel like this can’t all be real, like it’s gotta be some greater entity's idea of a joke.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God doesn’t play tricks, and you know Dean, good things do happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They gazed at each other a little longer than appropriate in public, unable to turn away from the quiet, intimate moment they shared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Too soon, a piercing voice with a Scottish accent interrupted them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reverend Castiel?” A petite red-headed woman said a tab too loudly but with a friendly smile.  She had an arm wrapped around a surly teenager dressed in too much black clothes that didn’t quite fit.  His round face had some peach fuzz on his upper lip and jaw and his cheeks were pink as if simply standing next to his mother might set him on fire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, hello.” Cas turned and Dean stepped back just a bit, letting Cas own the moment but not wanting to leave his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was wondering, Reverent, do you do counseling for those in your congregation?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It depends on the issue, but yes, I’m always happy to offer comfort or counsel.  At the very least, I can help find someone who can if I can’t.  Is there something you need to discuss?  I don’t take confession, you know, this isn’t a catholic church.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, nothing like that,” the red-head shook her head and her long curls moved like medusa’s snakes.  There was something about her that put Dean on edge, but then she smiled and her green eyes lit up and she melted all his concerns.  “You see, Reverend, my son, Fergus, he’s a homosexual.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mother…” The boy groaned, staring at his boots as his blush deepened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I should be upfront. We aren’t the kind of community that counsels against homosexuality.  In fact, I’m gay.  This is my husband, Dean.” Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand, pulling him up next to his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no, I don’t mean anything like… I’m so sorry, dearie.  I didn’t mean that his homosexuality was a problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Crowly groaned and rolled his eyes when his mother said homosexual again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You see, the boy just can’t seem to make any friends and he’s surly.  I worry he’s being bullied or having relationships I don’t know about and he just won’t tell me anything.  I thought, with you being a homosexual as well, and one so close to God, that maybe you could offer him a little guidance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled, “Well, it sounds like Fergus is a normal teenage boy, but I’d be happy to chat if that’s what you want, Fergus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy frowned. “Crowley.  Call me Crowley.  And if you can convince my mother to stop telling every single person, car, and horse that I’m gay and removed the word homosexual from her vocabulary, I’m pretty much willing to sell my soul.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas laughed and dropped Dean’s hand to clap the boy on the shoulder. “I don’t think we need to resort to such drastic measures at this point, Crowley.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned to the redhead. “Call the office on Monday and Duma will set something up.  I’m glad to meet you…” he held out his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rowena, Rowena MacLeod.” She flashed a brilliant white smile surrounded by bright red lipstick that somehow didn’t clash with her hair. “And thank you, Reverend Castiel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can just call me Castiel or some of the kids have started calling me Reverend Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, thank you,” she said, ushering her son away whispering, “Well now, if the new reverend isn’t a cutie patootie, don’t you think, Fergus?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mother…” Crowley groaned, making Cas and Dean chuckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So this is our life now,” Dean said, like a fact he was testing out how it tasted in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is our life now, yes.” Cas beamed at him, his gaze only broken by the squealing of Jack as he ran toward them, followed by the gaggle of misfits who were now his family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>THE END</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you've enjoyed this story, please consider posting about it wherever you mingle with other Destiel readers.  I'm a failure at promoting fics, I'd rather spend my time writing the next chapter/story.  Your help is SO appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. A Love Letter to My Dear Darling Readers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dear Darling Readers, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have followed along with this story.  I have been thinking about this for a long time and it’s profoundly cathartic to finally have written it.  I hope it has been so for you to read it as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After reading </span>
  <em>
    <span>Boy Erased</span>
  </em>
  <span> I started thinking about the long-term damage of conversion therapy.  Most media is about the event itself, such as </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m A Cheerleader</span>
  </em>
  <span> (an amazing movie which you must watch immediately).  But rarely is there a discussion about how people move on from these horrible experiences.  In fact,</span>
  <em>
    <span> I Am Michael</span>
  </em>
  <span> might be the only one I know of and it’s not exactly a happy movie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then I started rewatching supernatural and the nagging in the back of my mind that’s always bothered me about the throwaway line about how Naomi has rebooted Cas multiple times and there are events in his own existence he doesn’t even remember finally clicked.  That’s what this is.  It’s institutionalized abuse of those who veer off course.  Those who do not fit the mold are reformatted, reconfigure, and forced to conform.  What is that if not conversion therapy?</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><b>Castiel:</b> <em><span>I learned my lesson while I was away Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you.</span></em></p>
</blockquote><p>
  <span>So Cas, sweet, beloved Castiel, is our queer angel who fights for what is right, who learns to love and give unconditionally, who questions authority in the name of his own personal moral compass, who fucks up almost as much as he does good but he always tries so damn hard, and that makes him so fucking human it’s painful.  He’s the best of us and the worst.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And what does he get?  Erased.  His identity, that which makes him beautiful, is taken away -- and not just once.  We see it after the first time he’s taken to heaven because he’s gotten too close.  He turns Anna in.  That’s not who Cas is.  But he’s been tortured, manipulated, abused.  He’s forced to act out the behaviors and identity of someone else’s construct.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <b>Castiel: </b>
    <em>
      <span>We aren’t machines for them to program and reprogram. That wasn’t what this was meant to be.</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <span>We see it with Naomi making him kill Dean, we see it when he realizes he’s met Metatron before but the memory has been taken from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the show never discusses it.  Never dives in or makes it more than a plot device to move the show forward, but it’s horrifying.  It might in fact be one of the worst things anyone does in the entire series.  This abuse Castiel suffers, it’s inconceivable.  His family, the people he trusts most in the world, the institution he has dedicated his entire existence to fight for and risk his life for takes away the things that make him an individual without even a second thought.  Again, what is this but conversion therapy?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Cas suffers in </span>
  <em>
    <span>Prayer in G </span>
  </em>
  <span>is tame in the world of Homosexual Exorcisms.  I’ve done the research for you.  I caution you not to do it yourself.  People die.  Those who survive are never the same.  And it’s all done in the name of family and Heaven.  Just like what the show did to Castiel.  So even though the Cas in this story is alive and happy, please don’t forget to keep fighting against abuse, calling out injustice, and save any lives you can.  Sometimes all it takes is sharing a smile with a queer teen on the street to remind someone they are important or stepping out to join a BLM protest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thank you, readers, for caring about the Cas and Dean in this story, for sharing the ride with me, and for all the comments and Kudos.  Please feel free to leave me a note or message me, no matter how much time has passed if you want to talk about this story or need help.  You are precious and important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>- Valandra</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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